Hey Tx! Again, our sitch's mirror eachother. I'm glad you were able to set some boundaries pertaining to the kids being with OW. That was really important to me, too.
Remember, we are still in "don't believe anything you hear" mode with H. He doesn't have to be yelling to still be speaking total bunk, or what sounds to you like being "done". Don't mistake the calmness you heard in his voice with contentment, he probably had a huge cry in his car, just like LE said. No human being could resist that emotion coming from their child. Hugs to you
Me:33, H:34 T10, M8 S4,S3,S9m ILYBINILWY 11/07 Separation 1 2/08-8/08 Back Home 8/08-10/08 Separation 2 10/08- Too many bombs to count:(
Tx...I read on another thread that you had a good night and that hub is having a tough time in his little apartment with the kids..GOOD for you..what did you do?
{{{TxMom}}} How ya doing? Playing tennis at all this weekend? I also have the tennis bug so I know exactly how you feel about the game.
Just checking in. Here for you :-)
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Hello everyone.. I can't sleep rough day and night yesterday ... long post..
THANKS for all of your encouraging words I will need more after this post... LE... so insightful...
Unforunately I think I've married someone who in the time of crisis has the ability to literally "shut down"... to date the worse pain ever....
He was very grumpy Friday night having the girls at his small 2x4 apartment and told me that evening that "we'll talk Monday but I'm not going to like it"... which he is eluding to wanting to put house up for sell b/c he thinks it will free him up financially so he can afford a bigger place.. this is my guess.
Well we got into some convo last night - I asked him how he feels when our daughter, Ellie, is crying the last three times he leaves and is pulling at him.. he seems so emotionalist.... he said it bothers him but he knows she'll be ok.. that he didn't abandoned her or leave them.. I said she doens't know the difference.
He feels that he sees the girls just as much as I do and eluded that the time with them is plenty..
So I said " if you left here everyday and went to your place and you were not involve with someone else I feel that you'd be so sad and crying a river missing these kids and the times with them" ...
he pauses and says " no I don't think it would change anything"
Me: so you don't miss tucking them in at night, or playing under the covers in the mornings... the couple of days you get are just fine for you? H: I'm not you and I don't need the same you need...
Who is this guy.... did I have him all wrong.. how could your daughter crying not kill you... so LE I really don't think he gets in is car and crys at all... not kidding.... he seems so numb.
It gets worse... he makes a statement " it's not like I cheated on you 15 times or something " I said your kidding that you think one time or 15 makes the pain any less" ... "you moved out of our house right into her house and you don't see that as pain?"
I did bad DBing I tell you.... I asked him what he was doing... where he thought this was going with OW... did he want more kids?... he said he wouldn't answer this.. I said so you have you guys talked Marriage... " he said it has come up but not like every day" .... he had a work function Saturday night and he took her... he told me that some people know now and his boss is one of them b/c he was at this function. .. I said the other day you told me know one knows... so now other co-workers were at this function and she was with him... so he is bringing her around.. so cat is out of the bag.... I couldn't believe it... I thought his boss would be the one that would talk "since" into him.
I went down stairs.. started crying so hard.. Ellie is upstairs with him crying telling him not to leave.. they come down finally I went in kitchen and said I have one question " when did the A really start?" he said August.. " I said... so you left me for someone you had been with 30 days and moved in with her... so you've been with her 3 months and you are already talking marriage and kids?" I couldn't believe my ears... told him he was not telling me the truth... he said he was... I do believe him..
My H fell for me too very quick.. he is a romantic person and falls quick so it doesn't surprise me to some degree but it does that he has moved in with her... yes he got his own apartment only b/c I told him he needed to start watching the girls there he couldn't keep coming to house...
I feel done... I cried so much last night, couldn't believe that I'm up against that he might marry this women today at least. I know the future could change but I'm kidding myself if I'm waiting for some " bubble to pop" and my H wakes up... I think my heart can't take much more... My pain for my future my fears, how will I provide for my girls, I will have to change jobs so I don't travel sometime next year - I told him that maybe we need to move out of the state for awhile, that I need to detach.... said would he even care if he didn't see his kids for a month or more... of course he says yes he would.. We went in to much more... I told him about he'll need to provide and that I don't care what the courts tell him is required that it will be much more than that....
My friends who know him and us still think something is going on... for him to "shut it off" and not feel and not empathize with me or the kids and how this is hard. He has just snapped and is so done... I know you guys say don't listen to that but I feel now I might need to be done... can I ever honestly trust him if he came back not to just one day again be able to turn "us" off and turn on to someone else again?.... either way he isn't coming back or out of whatever he is going through anytime soon...
I'm hurting and don't know what to do... I'm definitely going to need space this week but I really feel I need to leave town, I want to escape with my girls and just leave for awhile... but I can't do that and I hate it...
God can not let these two people marry,,, I know many of you are in similar sitches... LE you are one.. I haven't gotten there until now and boy it is painful.. How do I protect my girls from future pain??? this hurts so bad..
I'm going to try to go back to sleep.... sorry for long post and thanks for any encouraging words because I will need it and need all of you.....
hurting in Texas!!!!!
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
I know it's hurting like crazy right now. I know it, felt it, I know it's killing you inside. You hurt for yourself, you hurt for your kids. You hurt for the marriage you once thought you had. You hurt for the future that wasn't meant to be. I know, sweetie. I wish I can take it all away for you. I wish you could take a break. Is there a way for you to get away for awhile, perhaps visit family? Would any friends or family take you in for a week or two so that you could recover a little bit? I was able to stay with my parents and that made the biggest difference.
Tx, you may not want to hear this right now but I am going to be the bad guy and tell you that this pain will eventually subside. I know it's hard to contemplate but it will, sweetie. Gradually, you will feel better and DB will help you do it. I have been exactly where you are now, some days I am still there. But most days now I feel OK and is surviving.
Honey, the more you question him, the more he will dig in his heels. That's why DB suggest we don't talk about R. He may or may not believe his words when he tells you that 'I don't think it would change anything'. What happened this weekend is that he got a full dose of reality living in a one bedroom apartment with the girls and he didn't like the look of it. He had a fantasy in his head that everything would somehow work out but reality in a one bedroom is rough. That's why he is trying to rearrange everything again and hope that maybe another change would THEN make him happier.
You and I know that it won't. It needs to happen within himself. I believe he TRULY misses his girls but the A and his own issues are clouding his judgment. He does feel guilty but guilt is not going to change him. I think our men are frailing about because they are not happy and don't know why. That's why they keep changing everything hoping something would finally click and they can find peace and happiness again. All we can do is wait, honey and take care of yourself.
Don't ask him anymore R questions even though I know it's tough and you want to protect your kids. He will just make it rough on you. His fantasy life being brought into reality by your little girls and eventhough he loves them he doesn't know how to make it all work out.
You hang in there, OK? You can do this. He is facing reality and he is panicking. Don't you panic as well. Hold your head high, you've done nothing wrong. Believe that you will be OK no matter what. I believe in you.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
PM is right. Don't believe any of what you hear!! My H told me the very same words, that he wanted to marry OW, and they don't even live together and see eachother maybe once a week! He said when he sees himself in 10yrs it's with her. I said, 10 years? She'll be in assisted living by then! (ok, not nice but she's 10 yrs older and I had to get a dig into his little fantasy world)
They are in a fog, and you know what he says is total bunk. PM is right, he's thinking another move will make him happier. My H was obsessed with moving for the same reason, so much easier than having to deal with his own issues.
I am so sorry this happened to you this weekend. You are a great person and you don't deserve all this pain. This is not b/c of you. This is HIM!!!
Me:33, H:34 T10, M8 S4,S3,S9m ILYBINILWY 11/07 Separation 1 2/08-8/08 Back Home 8/08-10/08 Separation 2 10/08- Too many bombs to count:(
TxMom!!! I'm so sorry you are hurting...it does get easier.
I have a couple of suggestions for you...
1) Have you seen an attorney yet? If not, do so right away for a consultation. I'm not suggesting that you file for D, I'm just saying that being educated on the process, your rights, his responsibilities, etc. will help a lot. I found out that my H would owe more support than I thought. It meant that I might be able to stay in the house afterall. He was not thrilled, but, hey, he made his bed.
Also, remember that he can't marry her until he divorces you. So, he's not marrying her today...I'm sure of that! So, try not to worry about that particular thing right now...a lot can change over the course of the next few months!
2) I've done this and it helped...I actually looked at smaller houses in the area. It helps to see what you can get if you have to sell your house. I know...it sounds horrible, but think of it like an adventure sort of. What cute place could you live in if you didn't have to worry about H? Could you get a great place with a smaller yard that wouldn't require much care? If you can think of it as an adventure for you and the girls, that will help a little.
I'm not suggesting that you push for divorce. I'm just saying that once you know the reality, it may not be as bleak. I found I was imagining the absolute worst about my sitch! Once I found out what was real, I was able to settle down and figure out what I would have to do to make things work. That's a much better place to be...figuring out what you really might have to do rather than worrying about a bunch of things that might or might not have to happen.
Other than that, pray, pray, pray. Unfortunately, everything else is out of your control. Your H is lost. He's confused. I know he sounds sure of himself, but I can't believe he is. They don't go from normal loving parents overnight (or over the course of a few months) to completely non-caring, non-feeling men. That just doesn't happen.
But, if he admits that what he's doing is harming the kids, then he's essentially admitting that he'd have to stop what he's doing to be a good dad. Continuing on this path by definition makes him a bad dad (cause it's hurting the kids). And, bad dad isn't something he wants to be known as right now.
So, try hard not to worry about what he's saying. 99% of it is not true, and you'll never know which 1% might be true anyway! Sorry everyone knows...but, remember that his actions are not a reflection on you but on him. My standard answer to questions from nosy people I don't want to talk to is "H is in a bad place right now, and I'm praying for him. I'd appreciate you praying for him and my family also." That confuses people...they expect you to be ugly. Don't. That will only complicate matters later!
I wish I could tell you how not to hurt. I can't. But, I can say that as a mom, you have to set your feelings aside and focus on those beautiful girls. You will get through this. If you could read the beginnings of everyone's sitch, you'd see we were all crying continuously for a while.
I'm in a better place finally. I'd love to have you join me here. Keep your chin up. Reach inside for that strength you didn't even know you had!!! Try to turn it all over to God and rest in Him!
We'll be here rooting for you and praying for you!
Love to you! Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
TxMom--I responded over in Infidelity. Just really feeling for you today. Sad you are having such a bad day when you seem to be doing so well overall. It is OK though and completely normal.
Originally Posted By: PM
this pain will eventually subside.
Hard to believe it right now, but it is true. Also, it is easy to doubt what you are doing when you are surrounded by this mess. Something I gathered from the other thread and didn't think about but it was touched on by someone, are the 180's you can show your H? You have a life, and H can see that. What 180's can you show him that will help you and leave him wondering? These are the out of character things that maybe you have always wanted to try, but haven't? Can you use this time as an opportunity to spread your wings a bit?
M42 S12/D9 T17/M12 Bomb 1 3/22/06 Bomb 2 7/11/08 Bomb 3 7/31/08 W Filed 8/1/08 D granted 12/17/08 D Finalized 1/29/09
A man who compromises his principles never had them in the first place.
