{{{Tx}}} I know, it just breaks your heart when your kids are hurting.And we just can't seem to understand why these WAS could walk away just like that. They think explaining things to the kids makes it all right to do it and squares things with them but don't REALLY understand the hurt, loneliness and pain they inflict on others. We LBS think if they only truly understand this pain then they would stop. Because we think that underneath all this unacceptable behavior, they MUST BE decent people underneath. We have known them for years and they have not hurt us in the past so they MUST BE good, right?
But I have found that we need to release these expectations. Yes, they do feel guilty but they can't help themselves for whatever reason. They are all in a selfish place right now. Thinking of their own hurt, pain, guilt and not in a place to take care of their loved ones. We, the LBS, not only get the shock of our lives but then have to step up and nurse everyone else's pain. Then on top of that have to be ultra understanding to the WAS and then cross our fingers, get a life and hope one day they will change their minds. It's totally unfair and it's a heck of a lot to ask.
{{Tx}} it's time to get the women of your life together. These women will support you no matter what. These are your mother, sisters, girl friends, aunts, cousins, best school friends, in-laws (if applicable) etc. Men can come and go but it's the women in your life who will stick with you. Put all your loving energy in your kids and developing these women relationships. Good luck for this weekend!
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Wow {{{PM}}} I Have to say, I never thought about it that way..it is totally unfair and a heck of a lot to ask. Looking at it in that light, I think we are all doing amazingly well eh?
{{{{{{{{{{Tx}}}}}}}}}} Hugs to you my friend..how are you?
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
(((Thinking of their own hurt, pain, guilt and not in a place to take care of their loved ones.)))
This is something that my H shared with me after he did return...he really was lost in his own pain and loss of self-worth...he told me he couldn't love me because he didn't love himself...the OW...well we all know that is the "feel good drug" of choice...they are reaching out to feel "something" anything really...and the high from that carries them for a while...but like I told my H...one day he would be sober and have to face himself in the mirror...and I hoped he could stand to look at who he was...you can't stay drunk forever and "things" don't bring you happiness no matter how many things you aquire...
It is sad and heartbreaking, yes...but you do what you have to in order to hold it all together for the kids...you GAL and yes, call on your best friends...eventually you get through it...and hopefully with the ending you want...either way...you will be stronger and better!
you have such good wisdom because you've been here where I am and you pushed through and your H came home... I do agree that my H might not feel worthy of our love or loving himself right now....
I'm journaling.....
Boy this week is a hard one... I'm am just so sad.. sad for failing my marriage, sad for my future without H. Sad for all the memories he is creating with OW and soooo sad for my girls and for me to have to give them over to my H and I'm not with him/them to enjoy.
My H doesn't seem sad, doesn't seem hurt, he has been 70% accountable to the girls, but does slip once or so a week... but is it just a guy thing, or his thing... maybe the H I had and the great Dad he is/was wasn't really him. Men don't have those maternal instincts, and don't miss there kids like Moms do ... it is just different. I'm scared that my H isn't having a MLC, or isn't in a "fog" that he is ok and just happy in this new relationship.
I also feel like I want to share with him my feelings, why do I need to play the games? Why is it so wrong if I called him when I was crying and just say I'm sad this has gotten so bad? I feel at some point I need him to just talk to me, I'm doing all the suffering and he is just as happy as can be, honestly I don't see any guilt or sadness anymore like I did the first 3 weeks he moved out.. I think he is getting comfortable with his new life style. I don't think he cares what he is doing to the family, kids. I have to believe at some point he'll have a moment when the dust settles and he is out of the newness of this relationship with OW that he'll look back and say " gosh what have I done" or " gosh I wish I would have tried harder for my marriage" ....
I feel I won't be able to fully move on and have closure if I don't get answers someday, do counseling with him, get some closure from him... I know now isn't the time but I hope someday he will be able to talk to me about all this and what really drove him to leave me.
I'm tired of loosing minutes, hours, days to sadness or anger... I want to truely feel happy again... don't get me wrong I am happier and have come a long way in little over 2 months since bomb.. but I still have too many moments where I just have pain and feel like a failure... I know it will take time.... and I hate it... hate that this journey will be so long and so painful... the emotional cycles I'm going through are driving me crazy...
I don't want my marriage to end.... somedays I still can't believe this is happening
how to push through?? how to have strength to make my changes and make H want me and our family again.... Gosh I pray and I know God is listening but somedays I don't hear his response... what is he trying to tell me...
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
TX I know exactly what you are talking about...had those same thoughts and wants...I wanted so many answers to so many questions... My H seemed happy too...he bought all new clothes, a BMW sports car, new hair style, facial hair, lost weight, just seemed that he had rid himself of all of his problems...namely, ME Now he tells me he wasn't really happy...but because of all that he had done he had to at least act like he had done the right thing! I know what you mean, wanting to call and talk about how you feel and the why's...the problem is this...as much as we NEED to release these things...they don't WANT to hear them...and it really does no good...especially as "new" as you are in this...It will make him feel more pressure, more guilt, and want to avoid you even more... I did this a few times and it gained me nothing...until about 2 years in...the second divorce filed...I found out where he was living and visited to have him sign the divorce papers...I layed it all out...the 2 years of pain and suffering that I had endured just bubbled out for a few hours...did he act as though he cared?...no...wouldn't even let me in his apartment to use the bathroom!...took me to Starbucks! But a few months later he moved back to town...was it something I said...I probably will never know...I don't bring up those episodes with him now...it is over and past...and looking back now does me no good...moving forward is where we are now...
You will get there...just keep the focus on you and the kids...find things that make you smile and do them...take up a hobby...go to funny movies...take walks...H needs time...MLC is obvious here...but that is no guarantee he will come out of it and come home either...so what it is really doesn't matter...it is what you do that matters...
You are doing OK, and a call to H to share your feelings would serve no purpose right now. H knows how you feel and all that would do is make him feel more guilty about how he has chosen to live his life. What seems logical to us is just boolean to them.
Quote:
I know God is listening but somedays I don't hear his response... what is he trying to tell me...
...yes, no, or not right now. At least that is what I remember from a sermon heard in church many years ago. The answers come on God's schedule not ours. So pray for patience, pray for strength and pray for courage.
Stay strong TxMom! Be proud for all that you've done so far.
M42 S12/D9 T17/M12 Bomb 1 3/22/06 Bomb 2 7/11/08 Bomb 3 7/31/08 W Filed 8/1/08 D granted 12/17/08 D Finalized 1/29/09
A man who compromises his principles never had them in the first place.
I am MUCH better now... I cried a river at the airport and on the plane reading my latest book "for women only" and then landed and went to see my C today.. she helped me get rid of the negative thinking... the statement I made " I failed my marriage" and she said I didn't fail that it takes two... I wanted to work on it and knew I wasn't perfect.. H made the choices and didn't want to work on it. that those thoughts will cause me to feel sad and pull me down. So true..
When I got home H was there and we hung out a little... I was in a very calm place which was good. I told him I wanted to talk money Sunday or Monday... we touched on a few things and when he was leaving my D for the first time started crying, like an adult would, not a tantrum just crying and telling Dad don't leave, I want you to stay, I want you home, wanting one more kiss and one more hug...
He finally came back in the house for another 15 mins to be with her... he did tear up for a minute too and so did I... My old self would have been like "see what you are doing to her and us" but I just sat there or walked off and let them have some time... and said nothing but tried to be supportive to our daughter.. she was crying so bad and so sad.. she is so confussed why Dad doesn't stay anymore. My H didn't seem as upset as I felt he should be but I am glad he got to see this so he understands how hard this is for her.
He left to go to the store getting his apartment ready for the girls tomorrow... We called him and for the first time he and I talked about R stuff without emotion and just nice simple calmness... I just suggested that we need to be careful to not always buy our D things or think a movie or a pinic is going to always make up for her pain (this is what he was saying to her to try to make her feel better)... he agreed.. that what she wants is time with him ... that we need to make it quality time.
We talked about OW (any other women) and that I know he is not a Mom but for him to try to understand that half my pain with all this is for our girls, the future relationship with him, etc.. that there is no benefit for our girls to be around any other women in the near future. He agreed that it would be a long time before that and that this isn't an issue and hasn't even ever come up with him and OW... I was thankful for this.. I told him that for obvious reason hope it is never HER ... he brought up that he has thought of the possiblity of OM in my life or stepdad down the road that it has made him think and that he is always Dad... and that we are their parents... that no other women or man should ever try to parent them that is our job... My H said that if he ever saw that another women was trying to do this he would be through with her....
So good and bad,,,,good that for the first time we talked about future stuff, our kids, without a pit in my stomach or emotion or attitude out of me... a very calm me. But sad that the more we bring up "future" and I'm not in the convo it confirms how done my H is in his mind .. but I'm actually not sad right now like I've been all week.
He is opening up to me, he texted me 3 jokes last night, doesn't run out of the house when I'm there.. even though I have to swallow my pride and play nice to make mends it is better than the lashing out of anger or emotion... We have laughed together a few times. I still hope and pray someday I get some feelings from him but realize he couldn't give me answers right now anyhow... I just don't think he realizes the pain he has given me with his choices.. but hopefully he has guilt in his quite moments...
Side note - I asked him who all he has told or who knows.. he said no one really but his boss knows we are separated but no details... I was surprised that if this is what he wants why he hasn't told anyone but of course they would ask questions and he won't be telling anyone he left me for a 25yr old... I hate that he still lives in hiding so to speak..
thanks for support.. I feel like i'll do fine tomorrow night.. going to dinner with a girlfriend - kids will be fine - and I play tennis Saturday at noon so I'll get up and out in the morning to work out or something.. keeping busy.. more later
I need to check on everyone else..
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
TxMom--Don't read anything into what H is thinking or how "done" he may seem. He isn't, he is just processing his feelings and trying to keep everything in the air to entertain the beast that has taken over his mind and body. H may have gotten into his car after the episode with your D and broke down, you don't know. H isn't going to show you that side of it, but I don't think anyone but the cruelest of fathers can stand to see his kid in pain. Especially, Daddies with their little girls. Your H isn't one of those, he still cares for his girls and you. Keep detaching and respecting his feelings, maintain your boundaries and keep swallowing your pride. It sucks, but I think that is a key to success in any relationship is being able to put your needs aside at the times your mate needs to have their needs met first. Pride can wreck all of that pretty quickly. Just throw all your expectations out the window and keep doing the best you can. I'm praying for you and proud of you for doing so well with H and traveling so far, so fast!
Originally Posted By: TxMom
I asked him who all he has told or who knows.. he said no one really but his boss knows we are separated but no details... I was surprised that if this is what he wants why he hasn't told anyone but of course they would ask questions and he won't be telling anyone he left me for a 25yr old... I hate that he still lives in hiding so to speak...
More evidence that this A isn't going to stand the test of time, and even H may see the writing on the wall, at the least he doesn't believe he wants to give himself fully to her. My W said the sneaking around was part of the appeal of the A. Just speculating here, you were re-thinking exposing the A after he told you this? Hang in there and keep doing the things you've been doing for you. Good that you are going out with GF and playing tennis.
M42 S12/D9 T17/M12 Bomb 1 3/22/06 Bomb 2 7/11/08 Bomb 3 7/31/08 W Filed 8/1/08 D granted 12/17/08 D Finalized 1/29/09
A man who compromises his principles never had them in the first place.
TxMom!!! Sounds like you are doing okay. I hope so. I agree that H is still confused and still processing his feelings. And, I too have decided that the friendly is better than the unfriendly where the kids are concerned.
You are doing a great job!!! Keep it up. And, keep praying. I posted to your other thread yesterday on that topic!!!
Love to you! Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
LE..wow thanks for posting that to Tx, think I'll take some of that ", but I think that is a key to success in any relationship is being able to put your needs aside at the times your mate needs to have their needs met first."...that's a tough one to swallow, but I need to think of that when I feel so rejected/dejected by my hub
{{{{Tx}}}} I'm so glad you are doing better..I couldn't post for the past few days because of a prob with my account here, but as I read your posts and how you felt and what you said for the past few days, I just wanted to cry too, because that's so how I feel. I'm so glad you were able to have those talks and times with hub and not feel that pit..gives me hope that my pit will go away too
I'm SO glad you are going out and having some fun tomorrow..I hope you can enjoy it!
