Partner left after 9 years, out of NC again

[kelaaron]

Naej-wonderful advice. And yes She will work it out if she needs to. I am really good at breaking the rules if it is what I feel is right. I think I may becoming to a breaking point myself really soon.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey everyone and thanks. Well, I dont think I will text today. Maybe tommorow!? I worry about pursueing him, now that he has gone. But.. I still need to speak to him!

Hi Abbey! You're back... I wish I was as brave as you. I've done NOTHING. I havent made a squeak, not said a word, hassled, pursued, nothing. I was polite on the phone the only time he called me. I have asked nothng of him apart from once (on the phone) saying "It would be good to see you". I'm not sure what you mean, but I assume he was in a depressed/stressed state when he got together with her, but he might be feeling totally fine now! His BMF gf said she thinks he's in crisis and doesnt know what he's doing with her.

I worked out he's been with her 9 weeks, heading for 10. I think it will be time to stop counting soon as they head for 3 months. Its so hard. How long was your H with his OW Abbey?

I'm having trouble listening to myself right now. I've not known how to handle things since I found out about her. And then all that news of her. I dont know what to think ! She cant be that bad, else he wouldnt have left me for her. Then him telling me he had football Wednesday and his mate coming Friday-Sunday and I knew he was out with BMF Thursday...and saying he was away Monday for 5 weeks on and off...it paints a picture in my mind of a man who isnt making room for his gf, but what good does that do me?

Its been a wierd day hasnt it? I'm really feeling this Uranus-Saturn thing, but then its right on my Sun.

[istherehope]

Ali,

Have you read about DawnofHope's H's OW? It's so easy when you are reading someone else's thread to pick things out, although always hard when it's your own...My point about her OW is that she weighs about 300 pounds, and in general does not sound like true "competition". Ali, isn't it just possible that the OW in your case is like this in a way, i.e. that she is not anyone of real substance in terms of the R, but just someone that it is easy for him to be with? You've mentioned your ex being in crisis a number of times, an OW is one way to deal with this, and he would not have left you for another "real" R; that I'm sure of. My guess is this one is easy, not intimate, and just an escape method. Even if she isn't "that bad", this has NOTHING to do with you. I know you know that though...

ITH

[AliSuddenly]

Hey ITH! Yes, I have read Dawns sitch and its obvious theres something amiss there!

I wanted to say somethng about M.. my intuition says that if we were M, he still wouldnt have mentioned D by now, like he has never mentioned selling our houses (not the same I know, the market IS depressed)

Anyway, having said that, we arent M and he left me last year, and yes he met her at work and had an EA before he left me, so now...she is not so much ow as just his new gf? Or are lots of people on these boards in the same boat...once your S and your H is with an ow, I suppose it IS their new gf?

Plus, we're barely in contact. I'm confused why he emailed Friday telling me about his life and said "will call again, sorry to be so frenetic! hope you're OK al" and then texted me Monday to say "Will email later."

...but then did neither! Is he just being nice? Dies he just want a friendship? Is it easy for him to just say these things, but he doesnt really mean them? Or is he too busy and stressed at work??

or, is he just happy and loved up with ow (ok, lets call her that, fair enough).

[istherehope]

Hi Ali,

You know as well as I do that it can be really impossible to read into their motives for doing things. Take a look at my most recent post and you'll see I have been quite obsessive about things said myself :).

My guess, again just a guess, is that he's contacting you because he's happy to be back in touch again, and doesn't want to lose that connection. I think that is completely separate from the OW in this case, who probably doesn't mean much to him apart from being a distraction. Ali, if he would leave someone like you for that, you must know that he is capable of trying to regain the connection with you even while with her.

And you know that he must feel guilty. Yes he's been a coward and acted like he has no remorse. Nevertheless, you see that guilt plays a huge part in most of the WAS's actions here. Of course he feels bad for hurting you, he's human even if part alien. He always says "hope you're ok." He probably worries about the real answer to that question...

FWIW I do believe that he will reach out to you soon...

ITH

[istherehope]

Also really sorry to hijack your thread, but thought you might find this of interest...My H is a Virgo, and I just read his horoscope for tomorrow. It is actually SO fitting, and the aftermath might be me not being in the house when he returns from his trip...

""Things" must have come to a head by now, eh? The Saturn/Uranus opposition which has squeezed so many people so tight - leaving them unsure of which is the right and proper path - has peaked. For many, push has come to shove. And many of those many are Virgos. Why? Because the link took place across arguably the two most sensitive parts of your chart. If you've been feeling like your want to stay home alone in a darkened room, while simultaneously wanting to get the HECK out of somewhere, that was the Saturn/Uranus thing. It's over. This is the aftermath."

-ITH

[RefuseToLose]

Hello, Princess.

I'm sorry you are feeling "resigned" today. You said:

I would have loved to have been given the chance, I was never daunted by the prospect of piecing.

Me too. All I wanted was one shot at it, but there was nothing I could do to get my XW to open her eyes to her faults, face them and try for us. NOTHING worked.

The same goes for you. You did all you could, but in the end, it is completely up to the other person to choose whether or not to pay attention and notice what you've done. It's kind of like the lady in lingere walking in front of her husband on the couch and all he says is "Honey, I can't see the game." You had your best stuff of display and all he was interested was being in his own little world. My story sounds the same.

Take heart that you tried and put yourself out there. You took a chance on him. He didn't respond, the silly bastard. You have grown and changed and in time, you'll feel better. In fact, you are reporting that you are feeling better each day, so you are on your way.

Finally, I agree you should do whatever feels right to you on talking w/ him. You should be in control and feel free to do what you think will help you move forward in the best way possible.

Keep going, sweetie, and give some thought to the Mrs. Robinson thing. No strings can be a good thing. Besides, maybe you can teach the young bloke a thing or two.

RTL

[AliSuddenly]

ITH...ahh.. that makes sense, yopur H is a Virgo and 35.. so, like my ex last year.. he is having a Saturn transit of his sign and possibly already, of his Sun. Thats tough and it causes depression. Saturn is like a grueling test, testing the things in your life to see if they will stand the test of time essentially. Also, being 35, he is likely to also be having his Pluto square Pluto transit, which is the classic MLC.

Hey Rob.. I was chatting to someone on the phone earlier and they made me realise I should rise up more and say, this isnt good enough. I got so into a DB mindset, it was hard to break out of it. But.. I have been thinking, its not fair that he wont face me, that he didnt tell me himself, that he wont talk to me or meet me. Yes we have had some sporadic contact, but thats not the same as real honest conversation.

But.. even if we had that, it doesnt change the fact that he is with her and has been for over 2 months, maybe 2 1/2, even 3, I dont know. I realised something tonight, which hadnt occured to me before, I guess because there was always that shred of hope.. but.. I dont get to speak to him anymore. I dont get to talk to him, I cant expect to talk to him and I cant pick up the phone to him. I actually miss talking to him on a daily basis, but weeks have gone by with barely any contact, so he is gone from my life.

That was quite a moment of realisation.

I need to let him go, but I still need to talk to him before I do. Every day I think, this is the day I will ask him outright, please talk to me. I guess I have to be totally ready, before I let him have it both barrels.

[naej]

Hi Ali, so no contact from the invisible one-hmmm. I am not sure why you are finding it so hard to just go for it and get your face to face or at least ask for it and get rejected.
You say you want it, need it sometimes it's all you crave then the urgency fades and so it goes.
I don't really get the being ingrained in DBing, probably thats just me.

I cant pick up the phone to him.

WHY?
Is it because he has a new g/f? you feel you can't intrude.
I guess if you can't pick up a phone and just ask then you are not ready or are more afraid of what if any true answers you will get.
You say he is gone from your life, but that is so not true because you still wonder and wait and ponder, all normal but you think he has gone from your life? yes he walked, left you high and dry and confused etc.. physically he is gone but mentally emotionally he is very much in your life.
Until that is resoved you will never have the freedom to move ahead and put the past where it belongs in the past.
You do deserve this closure -you may not get the answers but you do deserve at the very least to ask for them.
I sometimes get the feeling you don't actually believe that, maybe because of the past or just your general make up.
I maybe wrong.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Naej... I do believe I deserve that, but because he was my friend for 12 years and my partner for 9, and yet HE didnt feel I deserved it.. it confuses me! Its like, am I expecting too much here!? No, of course not.

I have asked him, you may have missed that, but when he called last Sunday I said I would like to meet up and the second time I said it, I said "what do you think?". He said he did want to too, definetly, but... nothing.

So I did ask and got nowhere. What I meant was, I could pick up the phone with the express purpose of saying, no I really really want to see you.

But then, he told me he is away on site for 5 weeks on and off, so I am not even sure where he is.

I cant quite believe he did it, but he did, he left me for someone else (and she doesnt even sound that nice)