How do you feel about love being a choice, a decision, and not a feeling?
In what ways have you, and your partner, might have let your love dwindle, and not made your love for each other a priority?
How do you feel about Michele's staement of "If your spouse reports falling out of love, just say nothing and remind yourself that nothing is permanent. If s/he fell out of love, s/he can fall into love again"?
What do you think about NOT talking to him/her about your "feelings" of love for each other? About not putting any pressure on them to talk about it?
What do you think are some of the differences between "being in love" with a person, and "loving" a person?
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Quoting Jamesjohn: The Realtionship IQ Quiz: #5 - "People Just Fall Out of Love". How do you feel about love being a choice, a decision, and not a feeling?
OK I'll bite...Of course its a choice, but it seems like such a normal natural one to me that I don't think much about it...Unfortunately for my W it seems like its an ordeal for her just to acknowledge her feelings for me, she seems so bent on proving that she's right and has "fallen" out of love. Her eyes give her away but it looks like she's made and communicated so many decisions with her friends and family that its easier to put out the lights on us than acknowledge that she ain't so sure about those words anymore (DB'ing has made this possible I must point out). I think that the "feeling" might just be the catalyst that provokes the "decision" but when the layers of psyche are corroded with negatives it just short-circuits that connection and the decision is not made. The decision for her is just to keep the status quo which happens to be "Godonlyknowswhatshappening" between us. So I'll deal with that reality, but for me it's much more of a rational decision that today I make at many little tiny junctures.
Quoting Jamesjohn:In what ways have you, and your partner, might have let your love dwindle, and not made your love for each other a priority?
She forgot my phone number, does that count? Sadly, I thought about priorities a while back and I fall around number seven or so with W. I guess in our former life I wasn't all that attentive to her and her needs and thats why she got the impression that I didn't care. I was too busy with work and projects and stuff... Today, she's got so much distance forced between us that only through my efforts does any contact exist between us...Dwindling by distance I guess...I tried showing through my actions and words that she's a huge priority for me but that was a cheeseless tunnel, so now I just go with what works and that happens to be infrequent, "unplanned" encounters that I usually initiate (going dark was not working well so I abandoned that).
How do you feel about love being a choice, a decision, and not a feeling?
In what ways have you, and your partner, might have let your love dwindle, and not made your love for each other a priority?
How do you feel about Michele's staement of "If your spouse reports falling out of love, just say nothing and remind yourself that nothing is permanent. If s/he fell out of love, s/he can fall into love again"?
What do you think about NOT talking to him/her about your "feelings" of love for each other? About not putting any pressure on them to talk about it?
What do you think are some of the differences between "being in love" with a person, and "loving" a person?
I have to agree with this. The funny thing is that my husband has always been a Vulcan. Never let his emotions rule him. Always went with logic. I on the other hand had always been the emotional one in our relationship.
So, it's strange to me to try to explain to him that he needs to go with his mind on this one, not his heart.
Talk about role reversal.
When we first seperated and then began talking again, I made sure to not tell him I love you, at the end of our conversation, as was my habit.
When he finally said that he loved me, after several months of me DBing, I gasped and whispered, "Say it again." and he did.
Now, I notice that the times when he doesn't say it, he's having doubts that he's trying to deal with.
If he doesn't say it and I do, then he'll respond, but it's so much nicer when he says it first and means it.
I think loving a person is what we all are striving to do on this bb...unconditional love. Being in love, in my mind, is the euphoric feeling we get when things are going wonderfully!
How do you feel about love being a choice, a decision, and not a feeling? ______________________________
My H is the textbook version of "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I still think that love is a feeling. When I look at him I am sure that he does NOT love me. If it were a choice, why do I hurt so much? I've only been working with DR for about three weeks, am I still too new?
In what ways have you, and your partner, might have let your love dwindle, and not made your love for each other a priority? ______________________
As I said in a previous reply, after reading the DR book, I realized that I made a lot of mistakes. Our work and kids seem to have become the only things we do together anymore. I'm working on the 180 and starting to get some positive response. The 'as if' seems to work pretty good but I'm still a rookie and boy is this hard.
How do you feel about Michele's staement of "If your spouse reports falling out of love, just say nothing and remind yourself that nothing is permanent. If s/he fell out of love, s/he can fall into love again"? _____________________________
I'm 'choosing' to believe Michelle is right on this. I want to make him fall in love with me again. I haven't said I love you to him in over a month and I have not asked for a kiss or hug in almost three weeks. We still live together, but he is out with the boys most nights and I feel more like a roomate than a W right now. This was a good week though, he has been pleasant and not said hurtful things ... yet
What do you think about NOT talking to him/her about your "feelings" of love for each other? About not putting any pressure on them to talk about it? ___________________
I'm working on this and I think it is working. Keeping my fingers crossed.
What do you think are some of the differences between "being in love" with a person, and "loving" a person? ______________________
This is tough. He loves me like a sister or cousin, not a W or lover. There are no casual touches on the shoulder or sweet, affectionate looks, there is no genuine intrest in my life and he seems a little self-centered (i.e. worried about his promotion, his appearance, his sports ability, his social calendar)
Quoting PhoenixNTraining: Hey, she was DBing in the end of the movie...doing more of what works and less of what doesn't!
What she did was also definitely a 180 for her, too!!
Wow, maybe we can start a new DB'ing film study group, and look for the DB principles that are used on-screen!!
And those leathers definately worked!
They sure worked for me!! Myself, I was a teenager when I first saw this, smack dab in the middle of raging puberty hormones! Ever since then, I have fondly refered to her as "Olivia Neutron-Bomb"! She just blew me away!!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Quote: How do you feel about love being a choice, a decision, and not a feeling?
I too, have heard ILYBINILWYA....I tell myself it is a choice and that my H still cares for me and what happens to me, but doesn't have that "high" of being in love. Is it okay that I told him I'm not in love with him right now either??
Quote: In what ways have you, and your partner, might have let your love dwindle, and not made your love for each other a priority?
We definitely took each other for granted before our separation. I regret that so much now!!! Things are so clear to me now (hindsight is 20/20!!) and i wish I knew then what I know now. If so, I would have treated my H differently and we probably would still be together or at least working together at saving the M!
Quote: What do you think about NOT talking to him/her about your "feelings" of love for each other? About not putting any pressure on them to talk about it?
We've been S for 9 months today and I stopped saying ILY about when I started DBing (May). I feel like it puts less pressure on him to say it when he doesn't feel it (or at least think he feels it). It is so hard!!!
Quote: What do you think are some of the differences between "being in love" with a person, and "loving" a person?
I think "being in love" is a "high" feeling when you find seomone new or when your S does soemthing that gives you a rush of emotion. Loving someone is so much more--caring, respect, mutual goals, teamwork, etc!! I think when you LOVE the person, you are in it for the long haul--no matter what!!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
False. Conflict and anger are natural when human beings live together. We all have our own views and opinions and there is no way they will always be the same. The problems arise from how you deal (or not) with the conflict. From my H's point of view - sure you will sometimes disagree but one of you should just button your lip and agree with the other to keep the peice, and then bitch about it to someone else behind your S's back. Avoid confrontation at all costs - even if that means not speaking to someone for an extended period.
Quote: Quoting JJ: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How have you and your partner dealt with conflict and anger in the past? What is the "typical" thing for both of you to do? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
quoting PnT:
Typically, we'd take turns not listening to each other, but forming our arguements while pretending to listen to the other speak. This typically became a shouting match in which I'd storm off to my room crying, with my Monkey following me. We'd yell some more, I'd cry and hide from him, in my journal or a book, he'd hide from me in his computer games. At one point, one or the other of us would approach the other and apologize.
Are you sure I am not you and your monkey is not MY monkey this is the same pattern that we followed. This would typically happen with us except to begin with I would try to discuss the issue. H would start digging up dirt from the past to divert the issue, I would run to my room crying.............it would end with me apologising and making a peice gesture like a cup of coffee or something.
Quote: Quoting JJ: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do both of you do to either avoid conflict, or to instigate it? When are the times that you've been able to deal with anger and conflict successfully? When has it worked for them, and when has it worked for you? What were you both doing at the time? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
quoting PnT:
We both tend to hide from the other in doing various activities to avoid conflict. With us being separated, it's even easier to avoid conflict. We just don't call each other.
One thing I've done in the past and that he just recently did was to email the other person about the conflict. That allows the person writing the email to find a way to phrase the issue...and it allows the person reading the email to truly hear what the issue is. Feelings still get hurt, but there's no yelling involved.
Again..did I write this? I find it extremely hard now that we are separated, we tend to not explain fully what we mean or not actually finish the conversation. Recently we have been discussing difficult topics or mis-understandings by e-mail. My H especially finds this better as he is the World Champ at putting his foot in his mouth. This way he can really think about what he wants to say BEFORE he hits send. Also I can "DB edit" my reply.
Also, in the past I would tend to get very upset about something for an extended period before bringing it up. And I would generally bring it up at bedtime, which H hated. I didn't do this intentionally, just that I would hold it in for so long that it would usually spill out at the end of the day. H was tired and had to get up early so it was very bad timing. I can't do this now as we are sep. The e-mail thing helps as it doesn't matter when I send e-mail, H can take his own time to read and reply
Quoting Mfl: </font><blockquote><font class="small"> The e-mail thing helps as it doesn't matter when I send e-mail, H can take his own time to read and reply
How do you think you can translate the skills you are learning right now to the time when you are together, in person?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Sadly, I thought about priorities a while back and I fall around number seven or so with W. I guess in our former life I wasn't all that attentive to her and her needs and thats why she got the impression that I didn't care. I was too busy with work and projects and stuff... Today, she's got so much distance forced between us that only through my efforts does any contact exist between us...Dwindling by distance I guess...I tried showing through my actions and words that she's a huge priority for me but that was a cheeseless tunnel, so now I just go with what works and that happens to be infrequent, "unplanned" encounters that I usually initiate (going dark was not working well so I abandoned that).
and I stopped saying ILY about when I started DBing (May). I feel like it puts less pressure on him to say it when he doesn't feel it (or at least think he feels it). It is so hard!!!