It's worth trying, and she may even agree with you on this, deep inside of her. However, if you're not getting a good response from her, it might benefit you to place your efforts in another direction, at least for awhile.
She may surprise you, and come around on this at a later time, but it doesn't seem like that's going to happen right now.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Quoting tehach: Avoidance of conflict is so much easier than grasping the issue squarely. Generally though it seems to me that it can build resentment and make the issues larger than they started.
Yes, it sure seems to be easier at times to just avoid the conflict, doesn't it? But yes, you're right that doing this CAN make the resentments and anger grow.
Maybe it's not always so much IF we have conflicts, but HOW we have conflicts. What kinds of boundaries we have for "attack" and "defense". Just what our "fight rules" are, so that the other person can feel safe, and still be able to voice there opinions.
What kind of rules do any of us have set up that seem to work? What have you seen from any couples you know that can successfully deal with conflict? How does your style differ, and what can you learn from them?
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
"You're more likely to divorce if there are differences in your backgrounds, your likes and dislikes, and interests".
Thoughts on this illusion?
What are some of the differences between the two of you that you thought were "cute" when you first got together, but you now think are rather "annoying"?! What do you think that their answer to this question might be?
In what ways are you different from your partner? What things might you be able to add to their lives?
In what ways is your partner different from you? What things might they be able to add to YOUR life?
What are your strengths and your weaknesses?
What are their strengths and weaknesses?
How might the two of you be able to combine your strengths, and come together to make a great relationship, to be a great "team"?
What actions could you take if you were to look back at what you were doing in the past, and learn how to appreciate those differences again? How would they know if you were thinking that your differences could help to draw you closer together, instead of driving you apart?
Again, feel free to take your time with comments and questions!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Quoting tehach: Avoidance of conflict is so much easier than grasping the issue squarely. Generally though it seems to me that it can build resentment and make the issues larger than they started.
Yes, it sure seems to be easier at times to just avoid the conflict, doesn't it? But yes, you're right that doing this CAN make the resentments and anger grow.
Maybe it's not always so much IF we have conflicts, but HOW we have conflicts. What kinds of boundaries we have for "attack" and "defense". Just what our "fight rules" are, so that the other person can feel safe, and still be able to voice there opinions.
What kind of rules do any of us have set up that seem to work? What have you seen from any couples you know that can successfully deal with conflict? How does your style differ, and what can you learn from them?
I think this is the important thing.
Conflict is inevitable.
Intensity level, styles of arguing, and styles of making up all vary.
My partner and I never fight over anything major. But we'll argue over our styles of dealing with conflict more than anything else.
I think it has to do with how we handle our anxiety, tension levels, how things happened in our families.....but have become our 'habits'. I don't think they are unchangeable things and un-understandable things. I don't think we have to exorcise our past for most of us. Just practice a modified style.........or for some of us....a 180....just to shock our partner.
I agree with you that avoiding the conflict can sometimes make matters worse. Little resentments that build up kill love.
For us a rule that doesn't work....is to deal with everything right away.....to never go to bed angry. Trying to force that rule makes my partner angry.
So a rule for us is to let each other have our space (even if I don't want it and talk about it when he's ready.....he feels physically better about it...he feels better about us and me when we do it this way.......I'm not happy about the space it takes, but I appreciate the gentleness with which he handles the situation when he's ready....if he's not ready, it doesn't go well.
Another rule......to breathe....it lowers the intensity, the tight physical feelings.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Quoting talitsa: Hopeful_One: Oh boy, big "ditto" on that with my H. We have now both seen a strong corrolation between H's relationship with his mother and the way he has behaved while in MLC. When he was 14-15, his mom told him to move out if he couldn't live by the rules. He chose to move out. Later, in H's early 20's, he had a falling out with his mom and "took a stand" to shut her out of his life. He had no contact with her and then felt terribly guilty when she died without them having reconciled.
All of the stuff that he had unresolved with his parents during his teen/early adult years came out full-force during MLC. I even noticed a strange pattern where he would do very inappropriate things, then almost dare me to put limits on his behavior. If I did put limits on his behavior or even asked him to do anything, he'd react like he was a rebellious teenager who would rather move out than "live by the rules".
I was baffled and confused by the way he was acting like more of a rebellious teenager than our actual teen-aged boys! Nearly everything I said and did was interpreted as being a "controlling mommy". I'm very glad that I didn't do a knee-jerk reaction by playing the part of the controlling mommy, but kept trying to relate to him as a grown man having an MLC.
Talista! Are we married to the same man?
I have watched patterns with my H that are very similar. At one point, he was acting like a toddler, tantruming, even clenching his fists and stomping his foot when angry at me! I feel like he is now, in MLC, working through some of his more teen like issues. (Such as moving out and being free.) Last week I supervised a visit with him and our dd, at her swimming lesson and family swim time. I have noticed since he left, but this time especially, how he was gawking at the teenage swim instructors! He has always been very sexually repressed, and now it is like he is in puberty or something! It is so weird to watch a 40 yo man flirting and talking with teenagers. ::shudder::
I wish my H was talking and working on things like yours is. I hope we will get there someday.
i know it souds crazy,we are both christians. i have shown her every single passage from the bible concerning marriage and divorce. and there has been no adultery.
she honestly believes this. i tried to explain to her that the LORD is not going to tell her to do anything that will contradict the word, that if it doesnt coincide with the bible it is not GOD speaking to her. that he cannot contradict his own word.
thanks PAT
Pat, I'm pretty much in the same situation. My H believes that God spoke to him and told him to "Depart, depart, shake the dust from your shoes." He is a believer, and I was not at the time, and the Bible directly says he should have stayed with me. (1st Cor 7) In my case, there is concern that my H is mentally ill, however, I'm now hearing that many Christians have thought that that God told them to leave their spouses.
I am going to church now, meeting with pastors, praying and reading the Bible. H says distantly, "Good for you, you keep up with that." It makes no sense whatsoever from a Christian perspective.
It can hurt a lot when someone tells you GOD wants them to leave you! It made me wonder, well, what does GOD think of me then? A pastor told me to not let his idea of God taint the true image of God for me. God would never tell a spouse to leave their family, unless there is adultery/abuse involved.
Anyway, I'm sorry you are going through this. I wanted you to know you weren't the only one hearing such a message. Hang in there.
thanks for the reply, i just wanted to say that adultery is just an excuse for D it doesnt say you should D. if you get a chance read MALACHI. his wife was a prostitute and the lord told him to go and get her and love her all the days of her life. he used his sit to get isreal to turn as well. i think you will like the story.
ill check your thread first thing tomorrow. i might not be able to help much considering my terrible sunday sit uugghh
"You're more likely to divorce if there are differences in your backgrounds, your likes and dislikes, and interests".
Thoughts on this illusion?
I always thought this meant you'd be more interested in each other for a lifetime. It can be really annoying, however, when you run up against big differences over and over. I am very motivated now to feel more appreciation than annoyance over our differences.
Quote: What are some of the differences between the two of you that you thought were "cute" when you first got together, but you now think are rather "annoying"?! What do you think that their answer to this question might be?
I liked his independence (in terms of things like running his own business) and then it became really annoying once we had a family. I also liked listening to him expound on things, but eventually grew frustrated with that when it meant having a hard time working towards a point in a conversation.
I think my H liked my strong, emotional personality when we got together, and now it really bothers him. He also liked my "trailblazer" style, but eventually would have preferred a more mainstream, follower type of person. This may sound weird, but he liked how his family didn't like me, as he was rebelling against them. Eventually, this became a huge problem, which we would have likely realized if we had married at a slightly older age.
Quote: In what ways are you different from your partner? What things might you be able to add to their lives?
I am different from my H in that I'm more careful with money, more emotionally demonstrative (in anger and in love), more "difficult", less easygoing, more of a linear thinker. I could add some spice and emotion to his life, and I'm always bringing new things into the relationship (art, film, books, music, activities, etc.).
Quote: In what ways is your partner different from you? What things might they be able to add to YOUR life?
My H is much more optimistic than I am. He sees things positively (often to a fault). He is extremely talented in terms of building and creating things. He is extremely kind, warm, and positive with people. He is very conservative politically (while I'm rather liberal). He adds to my life a sunnier view, the ability to build or create just about anything one would want, positive interactions with strangers (who can easily then become friends), and a different perspective on the world. I actually miss our conversations on politics!
Quote: What are your strengths and your weaknesses?
Strengths: intelligent, loving, committed, visual/artistic/creative, great sense of humor, spiritual, interesting, serious, willing to buck the system.
Weaknesses: fearful, often pessimistic, wounded, quick to anger, lacking confidence in many ways, may buck the system a tad wee bit too often.
Quote: What are their strengths and weaknesses?
Strengths: Warm, kind, extremely talented, spiritual, intelligent, great sense of humor, hard working, strong, giving, positive.
Weaknesses: Irresponsible, trouble following through on important things (um, like taxes . . .), conflict avoider, rather shut down emotionally in his most crucial relationships, while warm and friendly with strangers/acquaintances, overly optimistic.
Quote: How might the two of you be able to combine your strengths, and come together to make a great relationship, to be a great "team"?
I don't know how, but looking at the two lists for strengths, it does sound like a pretty good team! Any ideas on how?
Quote: What actions could you take if you were to look back at what you were doing in the past, and learn how to appreciate those differences again? How would they know if you were thinking that your differences could help to draw you closer together, instead of driving you apart?
I could comment appreciatively on his kindness to people, his talent, etc. I could openly enjoy our differences politically, and express pleasure at having such passionate discussions, even though we disagree. I could within myself, and demonstratively to him, show appreciation that we are two distinct individuals. Both worthy and interesting and *different* from the other.
I guess the main way he would know is that I was showing appreciation, rather than criticism or anger.
and talk about it when he's ready.....he feels physically better about it...he feels better about us and me when we do it this way.......I'm not happy about the space it takes, but I appreciate the gentleness with which he handles the situation when he's ready....if he's not ready, it doesn't go well.
It makes no sense whatsoever from a Christian perspective.
