1. Conflict and anger are signs that your relationship is failing.
True, or false? How do you think your partner would answer?
How have you and your partner dealt with conflict and anger in the past? What is the "typical" thing for both of you to do? What do both of you do to either avoid conflict, or to instigate it? When are the times that you've been able to deal with anger and conflict successfully? When has it worked for them, and when has it worked for you? What were you both doing at the time?
P.S. I don't want to hold anyone back, or rush them forward, so feel free to make you comments or ask questions on your own time frame. The "fitness center" here will be open for awhile!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
1. Conflict and anger are signs that your relationship is failing.
True, or false? How do you think your partner would answer?
How have you and your partner dealt with conflict and anger in the past? What is the "typical" thing for both of you to do? What do both of you do to either avoid conflict, or to instigate it? When are the times that you've been able to deal with anger and conflict successfully? When has it worked for them, and when has it worked for you? What were you both doing at the time?
I've always thought "false" in regards to conflict and anger meaning the R is failing. Conflict and anger are a normal part of a relationship, and to me it seems more important how you deal with the emotions that come up and how you treat each other.
Typical patterns for my H and me:
I tend to be the one who brings things up that are bothering me.
He only brings things up if I have already put something out there on the table. Definite cheeseless tunnel for the both of us.
In the last year, things would escalate more and more until it was a shouting match, and, um we weren't exactly displaying our best behaviors.
I would bring things up at really bad times. I don't think I was doing that purposefully (to rile him or something), but really, out of stupidity and lack of self-control. Also scheduling. Late night talks, when he is a definite morning person, were not wise. Yet it was the only time he was home and our dd was asleep.
My H is a BIG conflict avoider. He will do just about anything to avoid dealing with something. I think it is a very difficult thing for him, and probably rather frightening.
I know one thing he said before he left is that he feels he always gives in to me, and backs down, and it still doesn't fix things. I don't want for him to do that, honestly. I have asked him over the years to please be honest with me about his feelings, to bring things up if they are bothering him. I did, however, feel very upset when he would counter things I wanted to talk about with some very different thing that was bugging him. Now I'm thinking after reading thus far in DR, that this is simply his style, and there must be another way for me to think about it.
(I think his leaving me is a big "stand" for him, and he probably feels very determined not to "back down" on this one.)
Something else I definitely did wrong was to mention things that were bothering me as they happened, peppered throughout the day. I'm still confused as to how to deal with things that are a problem for me, in a way that wouldn't be upsetting to H. So much to learn. Beginner's mind!
This is the really unfortunate thing. I don't think we had very many successful times of dealing with conflict. I can't think of any right now. We did have some productive talks about dealing with the lack of intimacy in our relationship, and together worked out a plan of mutual responsibility. Then he never followed through with the part he agreed to do. So, we talked about it again, both calmly agreed we needed to give it another shot, and then he didn't follow through again. I so desperately want to learn how to have productive ways of dealing with conflict with him. I hope it isn't too late.
Quote: P.S. I don't want to hold anyone back, or rush them forward, so feel free to make you comments or ask questions on your own time frame. The "fitness center" here will be open for awhile!!
Thanks for letting us know that it's ok to take more time on these questions & that we don't have to feel pressured to answer them right away & move on to the next one...
maybe next time something like this is "planned"
a new thread can be made up for each question & then only the one question will be the subject with a link to the next in line so that way only the one item is being worked on at a time & the "pressure" isn't there for those of us who are moving more slowly
It is a bit confusing trying to go back to answer all of the questions in the 1st post when there are so many questions, & then more is being added
What is working for me right now along these lines is having NO expectations...negative ones OR positive ones!
In the past, when things have seemed to be getting better with me and my H, I have fallen into the "trap" of expecting things to progress along certain lines, based on the way things have been going. Wrong! So many steps backward, so many twists and turns later, I can see that having expectations of ANY kind can really derail your PMA, and in turn your efforts toward improving your relationship.
Quoting djembequeen: maybe next time something like this is "planned" a new thread can be made up for each question & then only the one question will be the subject with a link to the next in line so that way only the one item is being worked on at a time & the "pressure" isn't there for those of us who are moving more slowly
It is a bit confusing trying to go back to answer all of the questions in the 1st post when there are so many questions, & then more is being added
your friend DjembeQueen
Thanks for the feedback, my lovely queen! (Yes, I saw your picture in your profile!!) This is a very good point!!
If anyone wants to get REALLY in depth about anything that we're discussing here, and wants to take more time and thought on any specific subject, there are also some threads available to discuss things here.....
There are already some good discussions going on in most of these places, and there's always room for more!! We'll keep those threads open, and this one also, 24/7, until the end of time!
There's NO pressure here, (I'm sure that every here has enough of that in their lives!), only options!!!
P.S. Let us know if we're missing anything on the other link that you'd like to see talked about more.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Hi workinghard!! I'm SOO glad to see you here!!!! I've missed you!!!
In the past, when things have seemed to be getting better with me and my H, I have fallen into the "trap" of expecting things to progress along certain lines, based on the way things have been going.
Wow, can I ever relate to that!!
I come from an engineering type of background, where "A + B = C, which leads to D", on and on. I had everything pretty well "mapped out" on what should happen first, then happen next. A "logical" pattern, all emerging from my expectations of the way things should be. All to my "expectations".
Unfortunately, things didn't quite follow the course exactly as I had planned!
I wasted SOOO much time on looking at the way things were "supposed" to go, according to my "logical" plan, that I overlooked the fact that things were really moving forward. But just not the way that I had "planned".
I'm almost ashamed to admit that I was bordering so much on the "My way, or the highway" mentality, afraid to see that there might be different ways to really look at the situations I was facing, that I lost focus on really solving the problems, and finding solutions.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
How SURE are you about things that are going to happen?
I'm not really sure about anything in the future. I have already been through a lot of chapters in my life that I never expected.
How much do you rely on the past, and the present, to predict the future? Especially about the "negative" things?
Way too much, but I'm working on it! One thing that has been helpful is that when H and I talk about past problems, we keep reminding each other that we don't want to hold on to old resentment, we want to look at what went wrong and do things differently from here on out.
How would you see the situation you're in from an outsider's point of view? What if you were a third-party looking at the events that are going on in your life? How might you see things differently?
Unfortunatly, a lot of third-partys would tell me to give H the big boot. Some of those who would tell me that are some of my family members.
However, I think an objective third-party who had compassion for both H and I would say that, sad as it is, we seemed to have needed a bomb to break out a negative cycle that neither one of us knew how to stop. As terrible as the experience was, any third-party could see that we have made a lot of progress on making our R better and that we love each other very much.
If you were to read your story on the board like it was someone else's thread, what would you post to yourself? What advice would you give to you? How well would you take that advice?!
Oh, geez. I would say that it's ok to vent and get frustrated sometimes, but that it's important to bounce back into working on my PMA and become solution oriented. I would also remind myself to think before I speak to H when I'm feeling angry and frustrated.
If there was no past history to taint your views of the possibilities of things that could happen in the future, what might things look like?
As it looks right now, I would say that H and I are getting to know each other on a deeper level and that the work we are doing will make for a more stable relationship.
If you were to put aside the "fact" that everything your partner is doing is meant to hurt you, what other possible explanations for some of their individual behaviors might you be able to come up with?
This is an area I need to concentrate on a great deal. I am finding that my H has been in a lot of pain in the last few years of our R. He was feeling stressed, fearful, angry, and like all the best things of his youth were gone and was upset about getting older. He is also very insecure and has fairly low self-esteem in general. These things were not my problems to fix or feel responsible for, and his behavior during this meltdown was not intended to be hurtful to me.
What areas of your relationship might it be helpful to "take off your blinders", and see things from a different perspective?
I need to be more aware of my own tendencies to be stubborn, selfish, controlling and critical. I need to do a better job of explicitly communicating my thoughts, emotions, and needs and learn to do this in a way that doesn't make H feel defensive. I need to express appreciation, admiration, and assurances to H in a big way!
What does that dot that the teacher drew on the blackboard represent to you?!
The dot is the circle that hold all things and connects all living things. The circle is sacred and represents the cycles of things and the infinite at the same time.
What would your answer be to the "miracle question"? Your answer to how things COULD be, instead of the way that they are?
In my fantasy of a miricle happening in my R is that H and I would have a more relaxed, less stressed life with less financial worries. In my fantasy, we would always be growing and learning together and each would feel secure about the other's love and commitment.
If you were to start things over from scratch, with a clean slate, what would your relationship be like? What would YOU be doing to help lead it into the right direction?
There are many patterns that we got into early on that snowballed into large problems later on. I think I would have been more assertive about things that were extremely important to me instead of worrying about upsetting H or driving him away. I would have encouraged better communication both ways and would have probably wanted to see a MC proactively, instead of waiting until we had experienced a major bomb. I would show H more appreciation and not take him for granted. These are the things I would do now if we were starting from scratch.
Quote: My H is a BIG conflict avoider. He will do just about anything to avoid dealing with something. I think it is a very difficult thing for him, and probably rather frightening
This is my H exactly! Once he made up a story about a busines trip so he wouldn't have to go to couseling and deal with his feelings!
We recently agreed to meet about once a week to talk about the R (his idea...I think he really wants to talk me into a D...). He has cancelled twice so far. He admits that he is avoiding conflict but can't change it. I wish he would go to couseling but I know better than to bring that up right now! It is so hard to psuh them into dealing with things without nagging!
Quote: he always gives in to me, and backs down, and it still doesn't fix things.
My H said that too. Looking back, I feel that we "took turns" getting our way (pretty immature). I was the one that usually brought up the problem, but now, looking back, I became more of a conflict avoider just like him! UGH!!!
Quote: I think his leaving me is a big "stand" for him, and he probably feels very determined not to "back down" on this one.)
I feel this way too....how do we work around their stubbornness (spelling??) and their pride? I am trying so hard to show all teh positive changes I'm making and everyone says he will notice, but it is hard when you hardly ever see each other!!
Quote: I so desperately want to learn how to have productive ways of dealing with conflict with him. I hope it isn't too late.
My sentiments excatly!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
I have always been a big conflict avoider - been one to "go along with the crowd", "not make waves", "be the calm center in the middle of the storm." And as I have looked back at W over the years, she has also avoided her share of conflicts.
As to the anger part - W has always been more willing to display it than I have. Again, it's just the way I have always been - not allowing myself to get extremely worked about things but to be patient and allow problems to resolve themselves.
I would say that things have not gotten that much better over the past 18 months. W still avoids discussion of R outside of counseling and even then it's been kind of sparse. In the meantime I have been working on myself a good amount although the idea of Bob "having a life" still upsets W somewhat.
Some of those who would tell me that are some of my family members. 
