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#1628640 - 10/23/08 07:21 PM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: Chazz]
RMG77739 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/06
Posts: 832
Originally Posted By: Chazz
I lost my wife to a friend. I thought I was getting through it. yet the longer I live and the further it is behind me, the more vividly I can see how big a deal it was.


Chaz,

My friend, I understand where you are coming from..... However, I would have to quote Anthony Robbins... "Events ONLY have the meaning we assign them."

To me, my D from Kim meant the following:

God needed to be #1 in my life.
I NEEDED to be with an optimistic woman.
I NEEDED to loosen up and enjoy life.
I needed to spend more time with my son.
I needed to enjoy the money I make more.

My exW had issues she chose NOT to deal with.
My exW did not understand what M is really about.
My exW did not understand what unconditional love is.
My exW was immature at 36 years old.
My exW lacks character.
My exW is VERY selfish.

IT DID NOT MEAN the following:

I was a bad guy.....
I was not.....

I was a bad H....
I was VERY imperfect but NOT bad....

I was not "good enough"...
The ladies waiting in line for me proved otherwise...

There was something "wrong" with me......
Whatever may have been "wrong"... I was willing to work on in IC/MC... My exW was not.....

Both lists could go on and on..... But, you get my drift.... Right?

Take Care,

RMG


Edited by RMG (10/23/08 07:29 PM)
_________________________
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"


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#1628695 - 10/23/08 08:07 PM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: RMG77739]
RMG77739 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/06
Posts: 832
Oh sh!t.... My exW chooses to send me an e-mail right after I write those things about her above...... FUNNY!!!!

Oddly, my e-mail sig has the following quote:
Quote:
"Character is the sum and total of a person's choices." -- P. B. Fitzwater


RMG


Edited by RMG (10/23/08 08:07 PM)
_________________________
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"


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#1629453 - 10/24/08 04:20 PM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: RMG77739]
Chazz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/27/05
Posts: 501
Yo RMG.... thanks for the insights. I agree with you. These are important realizations that I do work on continually. I think we are generally on same page.

I have been working toward letting go things of the past.... the past events that I assign value to. I am sure you would agree that it is not as simple as flipping a switch.

Also, we cannot simply stuff or deny our past and the impact it had on us. If we have assigned value to something, the process of doing so is something we did with a depth of habit and conditioning. Detatching from those things takes time and development of new thinking and habits.

BTW... you were aware that Anthony Robbins ditched his wife in what he called a "Mid-Life Celebration" and hooked up with someone younger?

Not that this negates the soundness of his training, insights, and advice. I just dont get it and his credibility is a little tainted in my viewpoint. Leaves me wondering why he didnt use all of his principles to keep his marriage together. Bewildering.

The list of needs and meanings you provided are very relevant to me. I am definitely moving in those directions. Thanks for communicating these principles in this concise way.

A relevant quote from the Bible.... Jeremiah 17...
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it ?

Frankly, we do not know what kind of a tangled weave are hearts are made up of. We have had influences and conditionings throughout our lives that bring us to where we are today. We solidify what is in our hearts with habits of thought and behaviour.

The un-training of what has developed in our hearts and the re-training to a new way of thinking is probably the hardest work we can do.

Slowly and consistently, I am working on re-training my heart. Weaving in truer understandings of how life works and what is healthy for me and those around me.

It is a never-ending journey and as the quote goes on to say, we need God's help. We cannot do it on our own. So I further agree with your point about putting God 1st. Otherwise we end up playing God to ourselves. And our best efforts at playing God got us to where we are today.

So bro.... ya.... I am with ya on this stuff.

Ciao.

Chaz
_________________________
Me:40's / XW:30's / 3 Kids / EA with OM 1998-2001 / PA:? / S:2001 / D:2005 / XW M's OM:2006 / Chaz M's new W:2007
"Its not that I was really bad as a kid, its just that most of the pranks I played happened to be felonies".

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#1629467 - 10/24/08 04:34 PM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: Chazz]
RMG77739 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/06
Posts: 832
Chaz,

I am sadly aware of Anthony Robbins leaving his W, Becky.... Remember him talking glowingly about her and dedicating his books to her? Whether or not his "teachings" are valid, I do not respect him personally as a man....

The exW and I had an exchange which frankly kind of freaked me out.... She is showing anger.... If she is really "over it," she would not be venting... We had the following exchange:

Quote:
ExW: No kidding it was a disaster. You never helped me with any of it.


Quote:
RMG: You are correct. I helped you very little. That was simply wrong. There is no excuse for that at all. I take full responsibly. A husband should show his wife how much he loves her by doing more than his "fair share" of the work on and around the house. If I had known how important it was to my former wife, I would have dropped everything to do it. I simply did not see it.


Thoughts?

RMG


Edited by RMG (10/24/08 04:36 PM)
_________________________
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"


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#1629712 - 10/24/08 09:26 PM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: RMG77739]
Chazz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/27/05
Posts: 501
So RMG... help me with some perspective...

Who left who?

The sense I get from you XW's comments is that she is angry at you no doubt. I find generalizations often a sign of anger and frankly self-pity. By that I mean when someone says to me that I "never" did this or "always" do that or whatever.... more often than not, it is an overstatement that reflects some sort of pain or anger.

In my experience, rarely is it that one spouse NEVER helps another. (Or ALWAYS does this negative thing or that negative thing or whatever). Generalization, in my experience, often are also a statement of self-pity. By that I mean that by your XW stating that you NEVER helpped with anything kinda puts her in a place to be pitied or disadvantaged in the relationship. This is dangerous ground. I try to avoid it in my own life as much as I can because it does not reflect truth. Self pity keeps a person stuck in untruth and blame.

I may be wrong about all of this... I have no idea what your ex is referring to that she feels you never helped with.

Your reply to her certainly admits fault. If she is anything like my X, apologies tend to be no-win situations. If you apologize, she resents that you have done what you just admited to and apologized for. If you don't apologize, she resents that you dont. Either way, in my sitch, my X's inability to MATURELY accept an apology is a sign of an unhealthy person (or immature at the very least).

So.... good on you for rigorously admitting your faults. What she does with it will have to be her business. Frankly, I seldom apologize to my X anymore for reasons I stated above.

It is a tough balance to take responsibility for one's own faults versus getting into the unhealth dance with an immature resentful person.

These tricky balances are the real challenging part of decisons and relationships. For me, I just keep doing my best and try to improve my decision making process each time.

Ciao.

Chaz
_________________________
Me:40's / XW:30's / 3 Kids / EA with OM 1998-2001 / PA:? / S:2001 / D:2005 / XW M's OM:2006 / Chaz M's new W:2007
"Its not that I was really bad as a kid, its just that most of the pranks I played happened to be felonies".

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#1629834 - 10/25/08 01:19 AM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: Chazz]
RMG77739 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/06
Posts: 832
Chaz,

exW left me.... AFTER 2 cr@ppy MC sessions.....

I do think it is self pity.... I am sure she runs around telling people how "bad" I was........ All she "endured".... My FAVORITE is the "at least two affairs" I had..... I wish someone would have told me about them.... Maybe, I enjoyed them! She was so clueless to realize all I wanted was to be with her.... I NEVER would have cheated on her.....

Anyway, I think she has to keep a pile of things I did "wrong" so she will not have to face her true feelings for me... That is the path she chose....

Take Care,

RMG
_________________________
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"


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#1629894 - 10/25/08 02:37 AM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: Chazz]
RMG77739 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/06
Posts: 832
Originally Posted By: Chazz
I may be wrong about all of this... I have no idea what your ex is referring to that she feels you never helped with.


Chaz,

The house.

RMG
_________________________
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"


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#1630194 - 10/25/08 04:05 PM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: RMG77739]
Chazz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/27/05
Posts: 501
Holy Shnit RMG! Did your xw go to the same training course as mine?

We did only 2 sessions too! And they were all about unloading on me and what a jerk I was etc.!

I too get maligned by my XW. Painfully often to my kids. Here is one for ya.... a friend came to me other day saying he and his packed it in too.... his now XW sought guidance from my XW and now reports that I did terrible things to my X that I had no clue about. Man, I wish I was half as bad as my reputation! I would be as wealthy as Tony Montana in Scarface.

I believe there is a level of denial and self-deception that can get ahold of people so badly, that they begin to imagine or distort things to support their otherwise awful decision and/or behaviour.

Back on topic.... how realistic is it that you "NEVER" helpped with the house? By your own admission in your email to her, sounds like you feel you could have done better. Good on you for your honesty on this matter. But was it really "never".

If not, then is your XW not painting herself the victim by exaggerating "seldom" into "never". To me, this become an important distinction. The pathway to self-pitiying sarcasm or exaggeration is a dangerous one. It is more an indicator of our viewpoint toward life.

Anyway... do you honestly believe you were as bad in this respect as your X says.... particularly since there are untruths or exaggerations in her other comments about you like your two affairs?

Ciao.

Chaz
_________________________
Me:40's / XW:30's / 3 Kids / EA with OM 1998-2001 / PA:? / S:2001 / D:2005 / XW M's OM:2006 / Chaz M's new W:2007
"Its not that I was really bad as a kid, its just that most of the pranks I played happened to be felonies".

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#1630436 - 10/26/08 01:53 AM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: Chazz]
RMG77739 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/06
Posts: 832
Originally Posted By: Chazz
Anyway... do you honestly believe you were as bad in this respect as your X says.... particularly since there are untruths or exaggerations in her other comments about you like your two affairs?


Chaz,

Yes, our exW's attended the same dumba$$ training....

In actuality, I did the “manly tasks”... She did the tasks inside... Did she spend more time and work harder? He!!, yes! Should I have helped more? YES! Did I attempt to make this right? YES! She just wanted to walk out...... She had no desire to even give our M a chance.... Her loss.....

The REAL question we MUST ask ourselves is this Biblical grounds for D? Is this a reason a rational person would use for D? I think it fits neither................

Anyways, I think it really comes down to them “looking” for reasons to leave.....

I honestly think my exW allowing OM into the middle of our M was TOTALLY wrong....
She should have asked me to go to MC....
She should have continually asked me to go to MC....
If I refused, she should have asked a family member to sit down and impress upon how important going to MC is....
If I continued to refuse, she should have then mentioned she saw S as the answer until we go to MC....

INSTEAD.... She chose to do the following:

Shut herself off from me.....
Share with OM just how "bad" I was......
I am 100% certain OM got her to dredge up every single thing I had done wrong....
I am 100% certain OM "convinced" her I had multiple affairs....

She allowed all of this to happen......
She opened the door to the demise of the M....
She simply could have been a woman of integrity and brought the issues to me....

She just wanted to be sure she completely trashed me in her memory... She did not want to remember the REAL me...... A guy who was VERY imperfect..... A faithful guy who people think is very smart and witty.. and caring.... and who some women find attractive....Who loved her with EVERY SINGLE cell of his body.... That made it easy for her to walk out the door....

Well, she has the life she wanted in her little Brady Bunch house with OM........ He can have her...... I do not see what any guy would want with a woman like that beyond a roll in the hay.... Harsh, but true..... A woman lacking character does NOT even make a good girlfriend let alone anything more....

Oh, yeah. I understand all about the fabrications...... My exW SURELY told her sisters I had affairs and emotionally abused her.... The problem is if her sisters had 1/100000 of a brain...... They would have said, "If this REALLY happened, you SHOULD have gone to counseling WHEN IT HAPPENED." This is basically calling them on the carpet...... ALSO.... I would have said, "If this REALLY happened, you NEED to go to IC for a long while BEFORE EVEN consider getting into another R." Them jumping into another R right away says they are a lying sack of sh!t and simply making excuses..... I would say, "So, your marriage was so TRAUMATIC you had to leave and immediately jump into bed with someone else? Do I LOOK stupid!?! You are flat out lying!"

Take Care,

RMG


Edited by RMG (10/26/08 02:02 AM)
_________________________
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"


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#1631000 - 10/27/08 01:51 AM Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! [Re: RMG77739]
mastateflower Offline
Member

Registered: 03/18/03
Posts: 2742
Loc: California by way of Massachus...
RMG,

It has been siad on these pages that there must be a book written on how to be a "walk away". They all seem to do and say the same things regardless of the situation.

There must also be a book on how to be the OW/OM. These people just seem to know what to say and how to say it that solidifies their own positions and ends all hope of saving the marriage.

You know things like - He/she never understood you like I do. You're a wonderful person who has been taken for granted. You never did anything wrong. You deserve happiness...can't you hear it?

Gigi
_________________________
"It's not what happens to you, it's what you make of it." Zig Ziglar

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