Well, I'm new here; I got the bomb on May 23. I got the "I'm not in love with you and I'm questioning my life speech." I try to live every day with a smile and I look for happiness anywhere I can find it. He's moving out this weekend and I'm really scared. He says he's been feeling this way for over a year now (didn't tell me) and he's not attracted to me anymore and feeling ambivalent about the marriage. I'm headed to my counselor this evening and he saw his today. I know this is going to be such a long journey back. I never expected or wanted this in my life and NEVER expected it from him. He had a terrible childhood and was 'programmed' to have this implosion. I sure wish I had known!
M 47 yrs old H 42 yrs old Married 20 years No kids
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
I am really sorry to hear about your situation. I am sure you are feeling really anxious and sad right now.
Sounds like it could be MLC, or MLC-related. Nothing is ever simple! I too, am in a very similar sitch. Have been trying LRT, but I have caused some set backs. My H keeps vasilating between moving out or not. Now, looks like he will indeed move out soon. We are in C,(only a couple of times, due to scheduling)but he says he thinks it would take too many C sessions - or years of counseling, and he doesn't seem to want to do that, or make that comittment. I think perhaps he wants a different lifstyle..not sure what but just not what it is now.
It sounds like you have a counselor, which is is good. Get and read MWD books, or other books on this subject. And if you have friends, family, trusted co-workers, pastor, etc you can rely on, seek them out so you have someone to talk to. Try to excercise, get out of the house..walk, drive, go see a movie. It is a scary time, esp. when this happens and you least expect it. I am still dealing with extreme anxiety, grief and shock. But it does seem to get better with time.
Try to focus on your self right now and take care of yourself as best you can. Keep posting! marsh
M-45 H-46 no kids, 2 cats, 2 dogs M-19yr bomb-May 9, 2009 H has paperwork, but has not yet filed in C, IC and MC MLC?
I read your situation, and I have to say, yes, he's definitely in MLC and running hard.
Understand that you are NOT to blame for him leaving you or for anything he tries to blame you with that in his mind will justify his behavior.
The no contact on his end is actually normal it has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with him..and as hard as it is..it is now time to focus on YOU, and though you might watch from a distance the goings on and such; emotionally he's separated from you. The connection between you two is still there, but buried within himself and hidden from himself. Again, not your fault; this is an emotional change that comes for us all...and the person that's within is the only one who can sort it all out, so things will resolve and bring peace within.
You've been feeling him out to see where he stands, and as long as you don't react in an upset to what he says, that will help him talk out his frustration. And you have to be willing to just LISTEN, not argue, judge or convince him that his altered perceptions are not true. It is a losing battle; he is looking for a friend, not a mother. Anything you try to say to convince him he is wrong, etc, will be construed as an effort to control him..and he will run harder away from you.
Understand these are his feelings as of now, right or wrong, he is entitled to them. Doesn't matter what you do, this is HIS journey..and you can't do anything to fix it for him.
It may take some time for him to work through all he's facing, and I see you're not willing to give up on the relationship...and that's good. There is hope as long as you still love him, and are willing to wait for awhile to see what happens as this goes along.
You have nothing but time to halfway keep an eye on him...I say halfway, because you will need, once again, to work on yourself and sort out all that went wrong within your relationship on your end; and begin the growing process that will change you for the rest of your life if you allow it to.
Do not allow whatever his drama becomes to suck you into it..it's a whirlpool of emotion, and you will drown within.
You cannot make or pressure him to "come back" to what he once was..and so you have to let him go to whirl in the wind.
At least for now.
Read the resources you have and the ones on this site, they contain valuable information that you will certainly learn from.
Remember each person is different, and each journey is different...and you can't do anything to make this hurry up and finish; that is up to him.
Most of all, take care of YOU...you are the most important person now.
Take care.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Veronica: Hearts Blesssing as usual has posted some wise advice. Detach and focus on you. Not easy, but necessary. I learned to detach three years ago, and it helped immensely. I am a much better person today for doing so.
Some Buddhist philosophy really helped me. Look up Tara Brach on I-Tunes and the web. She has a gentle, loving heart and teaches some powerful lessons about staying with our pain rather than running from it.
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This is the toughest part, all we can do as the LBS is hope, pray and do our best to take care of ourselves and our children.
I haven't read all of your thread.
Read others, you will learn a lot and before you know it, you'll become an expert on this thing MLC, but then you have to reach a point to care for yourself.
It is my opinion, not necessarily agreed-upon by my spouse (or even considered) that our issues have a heavy MLC leaning. We have been actively fighting about our relationship for about 1 1/2yrs now - since the last time that he seriously stated that he wanted a divorce. The first time was shortly after our first daughter was born. His father died a couple of years ago - and he turned 40 at the same time. Comments like - "I don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life like this" and others - lead to partial MLC "diagnosis". Problem is, a lot of what he's complaining about he is correct and I can validate his anger and upset about interfering family (mine) most likely enmeshed situation - I am just (we are just) starting to research and discover this. I have made many changes that he insisted needed to be made - happily as I agreed with most of them. He invalidates changes and continues to list yet more changes that he cannot live without - starting to be issues that I cannot change and have no control over. Guess he sees that issues I can control I have and will. We have two wonderful children (8/10) and I did not sign on for this to be a single mom. They deserve better and so do both my H and I.
This thread isn't going to get a whole lot of responses to it, but please feel free to create your own thread and put your story out there.
For a little while you'll be moderated meaning your posts won't appear until a moderator (me) asks the big moderator (someone else) to allow you access to post. : )
You'll find a lot of helpful people here, who understand what you are going through.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Hi. I'm just wonderinG how did your situation end. I'm going through a similar process now. My husband of 16 yrs has told me about 6 months ago that he loves me but is not in love with me. That he is not getting any younger and he wants to live his life before he dies. That he wants to be able to go out with his friends and not worry about what time he has to be home because maybe he doesn't want to come at all. He swears there is no other woman. He just wants to live. Around me he is so miserable it hurts me. I don't k ow how to fix this. I'm desperate!!
