It seems like a high percentage of your posts are really focused on what your husband is or isn't doing. But the true essence of DB'ing, especially the LRT is to focus on yourself. The <only> way to get your husband back is to improve yourself and catch his eye. You can't beg him back. You can't convince him back. As someone else said: Words don't matter.
So let's see some posts on how you are improving yourself. Have you lost weight? (many LBS lose a ton of weight... I've lost 52 pounds in three months). Are you seeing an IC to improve your mental state? Are you seeking appropriate medical treatment? (I started anti-depressents and it was a huge help). Have you changed your hair style? Have you bought new clothes? Change your glasses. Don't have glasses? Go get some, just wear them for fashion.
My C once told me that wooing the spouse back was like a job interview. You need to present yourself as strong and capable. Never, ever come off as desperate. Desperate interview candidates never get the job.
Changes don't even have to be directly related to your spouse. Sometimes just being 'unpredictable' is enough. Your spouse didn't find the 'old' you to be something he wanted to stay with. So you need to convince him that you are a different person.
I stopped drinking Diet Coke. My wife and I were raging caffine addicts. My W found out I stopped drinking pop and was totally shocked. Does that make me more appealing? Probably not... but it is just 'different'. These little things are stuff you can sneak into those occasional emails. They are small enough not to seem like pursuit, but they are little things that show your husband that you are changing.
For example, if he sends you another email about the stress at work... you could reply: 'I totally understand about stress. I've actually given up Diet Coke. The caffine just raises the stress level'. So you validate and show a little change.
Last edited by techguy; 11/04/0803:09 AM.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
There are many positive changes you can make that your husband may never see. For example, I rearranged the furnature in my (formerly our) house the first week W was gone. There were just too many old memories. Even something as rearranging the furnature made the space seem 'new'. It really helped, especially the bedroom.
Get some candles. Make your living space smell different.
These changes improve your PMA. How can you feel good about yourself if you don't change? The 'old' you lost your husband. Not much to feel good about there. You need to change, so that you can feel good about the 'new' you. Change, change, change.
Last edited by techguy; 11/04/0803:06 AM.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
You are right that it is unclear from my posts, but I have been focusing on me, too. Here are some of the changes I have made in the last 3 months: I have lost 20 pounds, I have successfully stayed off of anti-depressants throughout this separation (I was on them for anxiety and OCD), I have kept running, I have increased my strength-training workouts, I have changed the color of my hair, I have started taking horesback riding lessons. Recently, I have begun to visit places H and I went together to rid them of their "these places make me really sad" taboo. I have learned how to change the filters in the AC unit at the house, I have taken over H's garden (not that I know what I am doing). I am signing up for martial arts classes to work on my fear issues and reading a lot (about self-esteem, living alone and enjoying life, saving my M).
You are right that my posts have been focused on H. I think that is because, despite all of these changes, I still feel really lost and sad. I guess I am looking for answers from people who have some longer experience with this. I am struggling to understand the balance between not focusing on H yet working to save the M.
I do understand that the old me was not one worth staying with in H's eyes. I just wonder how he is going to even see the new me if he won't initiate meetings and I am not chasing/pursuing.
Thank you for taking so much time to read my posts and give me your insight. It is really nice of you and I do appreciate it.
I'm a purple belt in Tae Kwon Do, so I love the martial arts idea. It will serve you well.
I absolutely understand your angst about not seeing your husband. I have kids, so that helps 'force' some interactions with my wife that you don't get. But that just means you have to 'earn' your interactions with your husband. Things will start slower. But there are two keys:
Make it easy for your husband to interact. Be cheery, don't bring up R, etc... A sad wife who makes their husband feel guilty by talking about R is not fun. Husband will avoid you if you do this. So you already started making it easier for husband by sending your light-hearted email.
The second key is to be mysterious. That is just another way of talking about being 'unpredictable'. These little things catch the attention of your husband and make him curious. Then he wants to ask questions and pretty soon your interactions are increasing.
The hardest thing to accept is that you simply don't control this situation. All you can do right now is make the best DB'ing choices to indirectly influence your husband. I read somewhere else on this board that the person who cares the least about the marriage is always in control. Sad, but true.
Here are a few thoughts to try and help you in the mean time (while you are waiting for the occasional husband contact). First, have you tried to 'make' yourself get angry at H? I read this in a book as a tool to combat sadness. Just think about how cruel he is being to you, etc... and get pissed. Sure, your trading anger for sadness. But most people function better when they are angry than sad. And the anger typically helps your self-esteem.
Another thought: Have you read any Eastern Philosophy books? Sounds kind of 'off the wall' at first, but I've found Buddhism to be very helpful. I'll post a link in my next post.
Last edited by techguy; 11/05/0812:43 AM.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
So I've been reading some Buddhism books. To be clear, I'm Catholic. I read Buddhism books as a philosophy, not a religion.
But Buddhism is an excellent philosophy for difficult times. The whole basis of Buddhism is impermanence and suffering. The short version is that 'sh!t happens' in life, the world is full of suffering. If you want to be happy, you should learn to be happy (or at least comfortable) when you are suffering.
A good book to introduce these ideas is: 'The Places that Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times' by Pema Chodron. She is a Buddhist monk.
Unfortunately you (and I) are going to be suffering for many months. Our situations will move along at the pace that our WAS decides. So learning how to deal with that suffering and maintain a semblance of happiness while we are waiting is a good thing in my book.
Thank you so much for the insight and advice. I really appreciate your support. I was just reading your thread to get caugt up on your situation. I would like to offer you some of the help you have been offering me but I do not have much advice right now. But please know that I am here to support you, too.
I am trying to take an Israeli martial art called Krav Maga. It is taught to law enforcement personnel and it is an offensive practice. I figure that if I can learn to disarm someone, and break a bone or two while I am at it, I can stop being afraid to go out at night by myself and can work a little harder at developing a social life. As you can imagine, Friday and Saturday nights are pretty lonely.
My major in undergrad was Philosophy and I studied a lot of African philosophy during that time (along with the classics). I am very interested in the book you recommended and will look for it this weekend. It's funny, when I would get really upset about something and my H would try to comfort me, he would jokingly say, "Zen, baby. Zen." I guess he was on to something.
On to your other advice. I think I can handle being upbeat and pleasant and no R talk (though I think H is going to think I am full of sh!t - given that all of our meetings have been intense, tense and R-talk intensive), I have no clue how to be mysterious. Pathetic, I know. I am fighting for my R, you'd think I could muster up some feminine mystique, but I really haven't a clue how to do it.
If we cannot have R talk, and I am to be mysterious about what I have been doing all this time, what can we talk about? I am not trying to be daft or sarcastic. I am genuinely asking how to do this.
Just be unpredictable. You just want to disrupt your husbands pre-concieved notions about you. He knows exactly how the 'old' Bettou would behave and he doesn't want the person. You need to behave differently and literally confuse him. Once he is confused then curisity will start to kick in. This will lead to more interactions and, in time, he will start to form a new mental image of this new Bettou.
These changes don't have to be profound. They don't have to make you more attractive. They don't need to have any bearing on your relationship. As I noted before, I gave up Diet Coke.
This may seem trivial. But my wife knew that I used to drink about 8-10 cans per day. When she found out I quit, it really confused her. She called me up and started asking me what had possesed me to give something up that was so ingrained. Guess what... I got to have a conversation that she initiated!
The martial arts class is good 'mystery' material. Just find some opporitunity to <vaugely> mention that you're taking a class or that your excercising more. By vague. Otherwise it isn't mysterious. You just want to dangle the hook a little bit and see if they will 'bite' by asking for more details.
In general, GAL activities are good sources of mystery. So GAL helps your mood and self-esteem, but also helps your relationship with H by supplying mystery.
Of course, right now you aren't getting many chances to dangle the hook. But your H will contact you again at some point. You should have a library of available mystery topics and be ready.
Down the road there are more personal items once you get some in-person interactions. For example, my wife was over at my place picking up some stuff. She bent over and her shirt pulled up. I could see she had a set of red, pretty sexy underware. She used to wear 'old lady white'. I can promise you I noticed and it was very mysterious. I immediately start wondering who she is buying that underware for? Why did she?
And BTW, the martial arts class is good because it sets you up to posture yourself as more aggressive. Sometime when he sends you a mail with a chit-chatty tone, you can reply backwith humor. Tell him he'd better be good or you will come over and break his arm. This will challenge his assumptions and will be a 180 of sorts. If you have been needy in the past, being more assertive and powerful is a good thing.
Last edited by techguy; 11/05/0806:09 PM.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
Thank you for taking so much time to help me. I am now looking into TaeKwon-Do because I cannot get the Krav Maga school to return a call. Anyway, how far along is a purple belt? I am looking forward to getting started.
You seem sure that H will contact me. Why is that? Right now it feels as though he has just simply moved on without me. I do have moments in which I think the longer I go without pursuing him (which is normal for me, the more he must be scartching his head wondering why. But mostly I am just afraid he is relieved to be rid of me. (I am working on the low self-esteem, I promise).
He will contact you because you are still married. It will probably be under the pretense of something stupid or mundane but it will happen. He hasn't filed yet, is happy there is a waiting period where you are so you can be sure (unless I read that wrong), and there is all of the time in the world. Eventually there he will find a reason.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
