Sounds like your H could certainly have been facing the eternal mid life questions ... when is it my turn, what about me? His long hours are probably not returning him the life he expected and his career may seem more limited today than yesterday. While that may just be life for some folks, it is a catastrophic realization for MLCers. They will not accept. They demand options. Some must destroy the old to make room for the new.
Some need to re-live a period of freedom and youth, now considered "lost". Watch as he celebrates his 17th birthday, over and over and over. There are no clear definitions for MLC. Many actions and behaviors are observed so consistently that they become considered accepted standard symptoms, just as some are also proven inaccurate in individual situations. No guarantees.
Pursuit of this lost youth "often" finally includes an OP, even if they were initially just a friend or confidant during his early time of doubts. The OP is rarely the source of MLC, sometimes viewed as a trigger, but often an eventual symptom. MLCers are not honest with themselve, and often can't be. The life they now pursue is a full 180 turn around, or mirror opposite of who they were their full adult life ... they step through Alice's mirror into Wonderland. Our drama is being unable to follow or pull them back; and the MLCer trying to keep one foot on either side of reality. The pull is strong and they are weak.
I once thought at least with MLC, there was a sort of disease to be embraced and worked through. Time will heal. I absorbed every article explaining their eventual return. Many MLCers do not actually want to return or work through "it", whatever it is. They want to be someone new and different. They may cling to that need for dear life. They may change forever. They are incredibly hard to let go of, but sometimes that is all that is left for the LBS to do.
I will not encourage that on such a supportive forum dedicated to standing, which I personally and fundamentaly believe in. I will say it is a familiar outcome among those eventually ending up in the threads of Survivors.
Many stand. Standing provides the greatest opportunity to withstand the MLC storm and recover the M. It provides the LBS needed time to understand the drama and learn ways to handle it. Sometimes, standing gives the LBS time needed to prepare for and embrace their own best life; in whatever form that comes.
Use this place to make friends and share support. It can change your life, as it has many before you. Despite the way this time in your life may make you question the history of your M, MLC is not about you although you can not separate yourself from his life that led up to it. If he tries to make you embrace blame, know that this is his illness. Sure you were around when he silently began to become increasingly unhappy with his life. Sure, you could have done some things different. Folks say the same thing at their 50th Anniv. But they also say they never fell out of love at the same time, and managed to stay together.
What you have to focus on now is not the past, but an improved future that is not defined by the drama in your H's world, but by your own efforts to live the better life ... your best life.
Take care of yourself. Eat, exercise, and rest. Laugh often. Soak in a tub and sip wine.
I hope you have a wonderful weekend and take care of yourself. I appreciate you giving me kind thoughts and I want you to know they are right back at you.
Married 10/12/2002 Me 35 Ring On Her 29 Ring Off D 4 S 2 Don't know if I am in love with you 10/7/08 Kinda Separated 10/7/08 EA/OM 6/6/08
my current thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1623276&page=1&fpart=4
You are in the right place for support. This site is very helpful and full of resources and wonderful people who are experiencing the same ups and downs that you are.
Read as much as you can. Come here to vent. If I hadn't found this place last year, I don't know where I would be emotionally right now...but the people here have helped me tremendously. I am stronger and more prepared for whatever comes my way than I would have been.
This rollercoaster ride is not fun and it will take time, patience, endurance. You will have to be stronger than you have ever imagined! Be good to yourself. Try to focus on you.
Hugs!
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
B Welcome sorry you find yourself here Was 2 sad explained it perfectly..thank you We didnt cause it and cant cure it the MLC It is them and they usually do not find the happiness they iniallyset out to find they compain about us,,what we did or didnt do in the M, but they are unwilling to see any changes we make to accomodate their needs they seem to like the friendship with us, but many of them still do not want to come home for a long time if ever our standing does give us time to heal, change and get thru this nightmare It appears that all of the LBS seem to thrive in their new lives after a grieving period while many of th eMLC seeem to remain unhappy depressed and confused for years to come I wish for you the best peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Could someone please help me with some advice? I posted this in the newcomers section also, but I really need help!!!!
I decided to stop chasing H and it has been 10 days. This is very new for me. When he first left me, I made it 5 weeks without contacting him and then I broke down. He has never contacted me since leaving 12 weeks ago. The Sat. before last, he agreed to see me from time to time as friends (though he said that does not mean he wants to reconcile and is very afraid I will take any reaching out to mean he wants to reconcile - I promised him I would not do that. Just when I was despairing that I would never hear from him, he just now sent me an email and this is what it says:
"Sorry about my silence. Lots of things happening. Bad stuff at work.Parents needing constant attention. I literally do nothing out of my own volition. Life? What life?Cranky? Yes, definitely. Chatty? No, definitely not. Health? No time for that detail. Cheers. M."
I want to tell him that I miss him and I love him. I know I cannot do that. So what do I do?
I think I should reply to the email, not now but later or tomorrow (though that will take all of my strength) that I am sorry he seems so stressed out. My insticnts are all to comfort him, I do not know how to detach and not seem like a cold bi*ch.
Beth, I wouldn't want to "diagnose" anyone as MLC on as tenuous a basis as a couple of posts from their LBS, but I can tell you that it is quite common for WA's on this board to continue being very unhappy after dropping the bomb, moving out, whatever they think will make them happy. The "pursuit of happiness" gets a little frantic at times...and you get to sit back and watch him tie himself in knots pursuing pipe dreams.
I think at this point the key is to treat him more or less as you would an acquaintance...friendly and polite, but not fawning or clingy. Definitely don't be in a rush to respond...you have a busy life, after all! (And if you don't, work on GAL--I know it's difficult when all you want to do is curl up in a fetal position and cry, but it really does help.)
I'm sure some of our long-timers will have some great modifications to this, but what I would say (definitely wait at least 24 hours to respond, maybe longer) would be something along the lines of:
Sorry to hear that things are not going well. Hope they start improving for you soon.
Then add a line or two about something that you are doing or that has happened that is cheerful/positive/fun, and sign off with whatever signature you would use to an acquaintance (in other words, NOT "Love" or "Hugs" or "Kisses" or anything like that...you could use "Cheers" as he did).
That's my take on it...short, sweet, detached but friendly. Other suggestions from the peanut gallery?
Hang in there, pace yourself for the long haul...and try to find something to give you some joy today!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Thanks for your response and your advice. I am waiting to reply. NW626 suggested that I try to read whatever response I come up with from H's perspective. That helped a lot, too.
It is so crazy, I feel like I am playing games with the one man I have ever been with with whom I never had to play games. That was one of the reasons I knew he was the right guy, you know? When we were first dating, I never had to wait to call him or vice versa, we talked everyday and we called each other when we felt like it. I always could say anything to him and we had such great communication.
Now that's gone and I have never been so scared. Every step I take I question myself, will this bring me closer to my goal or will it push him further away? The other thing is that I used to know him well enough to answer these questions, now there is so much about his behavior that I do not recognize.
Bettou- My H left 20 months ago...I had a difficult time doing exactly this...
Quote:
My insticnts are all to comfort him, I do not know how to detach and not seem like a cold bi*ch.
In other words, I didn't know how to detach without completely letting go. It is difficult but it can be done...you can care from a far. You have to come to grips that you can't fix your H. He has to work through this on his own and fix himself.
This can be a long and painful process but do try to keep your hope alive. Your H is reaching out to you in some very small ways...you have to let him reach out to you. The more you chase him, the more he will run.
So you want to know what you should do? Let him go figure himself out while you work on yourself. You GAL, detach, have no expectations and figure out ways to make yourself happy. By doing this you are not only giving him the time and space he need to figure things out but it is also an insurance policy for you. When you do these things you will eventually start to feel better and then little by little you realize you will be okay no matter what happens.
I have not been the best DBer by any means but I eventually did step back and give my H time and space. When I did, he sloooowly started to come toward me. We have been in C for 6 months now and I hopes (not expectations) that he will be moving home soon.
Thanks for the helpful information. Hearing your experiences really provides a lot of insight for me. Thank you for taking the time to help me. I appreciate it.
