Thanks for your reply, Native. The economic climate of our state and country does not help my H's situation (and many other people).
I went to D attorney last week. I am not happy with what attorney had to say. Even more of the financial burden will fall on me if I go through with D. I am wrapping my head around the facts and not letting emotions get the best of me. Thinking clearly is half the battle!
H has been very distant and comes home late, usually after kids and I are sleeping. Although, he did call the other night to say he was on his way home. I thanked H for the call. One glimmer of light - something normal - a H calling his W.
Help me to understand your perspective, you and What2DoNow seem to be in the same place my wife is. I think I understand your point of view but not what would change your feelings of betrayal and mistrust. My story is a little different (I will post the details later -just new here) and from my point of view I have always been a hard worker and good provider and doing what I thought was in my family's best interests. I was laid off ('02)and tried trading stocks for a living using my retirement account. I had been trading very successfully for years and my career was in the investment field so I had no doubt I could do this. My wife trusted me to do this and anytime I tried to discuss how things were going she was not interested. I was not as good or consistent as I had expected, things are really different brain-wise when trading for a living as opposed to trading for 'fun' with money we did not need for years.
Anyway to keep this short, between spending and trading the retirement account was gone after several years. Wife claimed to have no idea what had been happening even though she knew I was paying all the bills each month and the only money we had was in the retirement account. I thought she knew exactly what was going on and where we were. Bad idea to assume. She found out the $ were gone and lost control. After that we made some changes to how we handle finances so things would be more transparent to her (and more in control by her)and I thought everything was good. In fact before this recent incident I thought our r was the best it had been in years.
Apparently not, as in May our washing maching died, we couldn't afford a big new fancy one like she wanted and something snapped. She completely cut me off physically and emotionally with no explanation. Later to find out she wanted me to leave and had no feelings for me (ILYBNILWY). I am still in our home but she has a deadline for me to get a better job or leave. I will tell more of the story later (look for me in newcomer)but for now I need some ideas on how to rebuild the trust and what it would take from my wife's (or your) viewpoint. She knows that none of this was malicious and says she has forgiven me, but it is obvious there is still anger and resentment. I guess I need little things, baby steps that thru my actions I can gain her trust.
I haven't posted or read anything here in quite awhile. I'm here again because I cannot seem to break the circle. But I want to try. In fact, I asked H to leave a week ago. He threw a tantrum. One second, I could "have everything" and in the next breath "everything is half his." That's exactly my point. Half of everything IS his INCLUDING the bills. So, buck up or get out and STOP living off of your W. I want this nightmare to end. Oldtimer posted to me that I AM responsible for my life. I think I'm ready to face reality. I am STUPID for believing the lies and that things will get better. Naieve, gullible, whatever , , , it came to me as I was sitting in church that I shouldn't be living such a miserable life and that it is up to ME to change things. I've been holding myself back, for the "sake of the kids" I've stayed in this marriage because I don't want to go through the painful process of perhaps getting getting to a better place. The kicker with H was when he asked if my "boyfriend" put me up to this. Boyfriend? Well, where is he then - give me his name and number, H. You jerk.
I think your H is depressed. I would make another appointment for him and go with him.
Your post about thinking of all the happy times and realizing that you would have to shuttle the kids back and forth and it really sounds like you truly don't want a divorce.
It's been a long time since I've logged in or read anyone else's posts. I've prayed long and hard about our situation and have asked God for help in getting to some sort of truthful resolution. I feel like I've been pushed - inch by inch - to the edge of the cliff. Some things have already happened in the New Year that have caused the rock beneath me to crumble and I am losing my footing. I surrender to the fact that I am falling. This is the biggest test of my faith because I need God to catch me. But if that is what it's going to take to get to a new place, and hopefully a better place, then so be it.
Since last April H's financial situation continues to decline. Income is down and the debts grow. Collectors call. I work days, H works afternoon and weekends. H steps back - I step forward. H has tax debt which is also my debt because we file jointly. I am trying to get that cleared. I don't see a way out. D doesn't even seem like an option because I could be handed half of his debt. I went to see a D attorney and was told it could be argued that H's debt is outside of the M; however, the judge could simply split assets and debts 50/50. H has no assets as he liquidated his retirement. So, unless I want to give up half of my retirement and take on half of H's debt, well, that's why I'm stuck.
I am a mom-man meaning I nurture the kids and have all of my motherly responsibilities and I have also become the man of the family. I am the breadwinner - like it or not - and I have all of the responsibitilities of the traditional male role. I provide financially for these kids. I work all day, get kids to evening activities, cook dinner, help with homework. H isn't there to help so it's like being a single parent. I don't feel like a woman anymore - not being married to this man. I resent this situation, this H, this marriage.
Last time you posted here your H was unemployed. He is working now. Do you see it as a step in the right direction?
Have you seen any "Till Debt Do Us Apart" episodes with Gail Vaz-Oxlade (sp?)? It's a tv show about married couples with debt and what they can do to improve their financial situations and relationships.
