TXmom - This is still so fresh for you - barely 2months since the bomb and 1 mo since H moved out. My DB coach described these A as "addictions" and the OW are the "suppliers". We have to keep in mind that OW is most likely not the person they are presenting themselves as toward our H. H have cried on their shoulders, so they know EXACTLY how NOT to behave around them. They have the upper hand right now. Of course your H doesnt feel comfortable there right now. All they see is every positive attribute of OW and every negative attribute of us and it is all WAY overexaggerated. My H wont hardly step foot in the house anymore, even when he stops to visit kids. And for right now that is fine with me b/c although I miss him dearly, I have learned to be comfortable in my own space and when he is there it almost feels like a violation, b/c he is not the man I once knew anyway. I posted a question on T2L's thread. Is it better to distract H so there is "less time with the OW"? or is it better to let them go and hope the MORE time they spend together, the quicker they'll get sick of each other and get it "out of their system". If we do the first option then there is more opportunity for them to realize the changes we've made in ourselves. If we go the second option then does more time spent with OW draw H closer to her? I have a tendency to lean toward letting them go and detatching b/c it is the only way they will see the error of the choices they've made. b/c like I said, the OW probably wont be able to keep "the act " up for too long - then H will see their true colors. I pointed out to my H that I couldnt respect his OW for allowing herself to pursue a MM, especially the H of her friend. What does that say of her character? He was speechless and I think it made him think a bit, but this is an internal struggle for them. Its like the devil on one shoulder (OW of course) and the angel on the other (us of course). That must have been devestating for you to know that H and OW were going to church together - the church where you were married. That is like sacred ground - almost as bad if he had her in your bed. My 16yr anniversary was Friday evening and H spent it with OW and all the kids. OW was also there Saturday b/c I heard them in the background. Makes me sick - even after I express my displeasure about OW being around the kids he still does it. I know there's been days she wasnt around when kids were with him, but I have a feeling he just cant keep her completely away even if he wanted to b/c she is "forcing" herself into the picture. BTW, is there anyone else, family or friends that could help watch your kids for you? I know they need their daddy but I think being around other loving family and friends is a positive for them also. I dont know what Id do without my grandmother and mother to help with my kids when I am at work.
Hope3343 and twinhope - My H said just after he asked for D that we could still be "friends". Funny, his words and actions have been far off from friendly. I am torn between being nice, neutral, or standing up for myself ( in the most respectfully assertive way of course). I guess we just have to go with the flow - decide which behavior is most appropriate for the particular circumstance at hand. But no matter what behavior I exhibit, H is generally pretty cold and distant these days. He can hardly even look me in the eye. And Hope, I feel your pain having to see OW. I was so glad baseball season was over, only to find out H will be coaching S11 basketball and OW's son will be on that team too! Her kid has never even played basketball in the last 4 years Ive known them, eventhough ironicly, I had suggested for the last couple of years a bunch of these boys should play basketball together during the "off" season.
I ordered "surviving an affair" from Borders . I will read and decide about the plan A/B thing. Twinhope, if you feel in your heart it is time for plan B then go for it and keep us posted. I would be kinda leary about giving a hug and kiss though. If you're ready to turn yourself off to him emotionally ( which I think is what plan B is?) the whole hug/kiss thing might negate that message. Also , if you dont mind me asking, you say H is giving you child support. Is this decided through atty/court or did you make agreement between yourselves? My H started withholding his paychecks from our checking about 2 1/2 months after moving out and pays only $600/mo for 3 kids based on form 14 for child support which is completely preliminary based on our incomes and time kids spend with each of us. My grocery and school lunch budget per month alone is almost that. What about their other necessities- clothes, medical copays, medicine, their use of shelter and utilities, and misc expenses (school related expenses and entertainment). So unfair.
OK, Im going to visit T2L's thread. Good night.
me- 36 H -38 M- 16yr T 21yr S14 D11 S11(twins) IDLYA 6/18 H moved out 6/19 H confessed A and asked for D 7/4 H consulted atty about 5 or 6 weeks ago Havent been "served" yet
I think you need to distance yourself a bit emotionally from your H if you can. It is unlikely that there will be a 'quick' fix. Your H is very much in the heady throws of the A with the OW and he can't see the situation at all clearly. He is revelling in the emotional high he is feeling from being desired by OW, (whilst knowing he also has a back up plan at home in case it all backfires with her). Imagine how fantastic it must feel to know you are wanted by two women - urgh
If you can, treat him as an acquaintance rather than anything more. Be polite etc. but do not get into emotional talks and the like. Keep contact to what is only necessary- I know you need him to help with childcare whilst you work, but don't extend that time....unless it is for a reason like you needing rest etc.
Let him think you are moving on...or at least DON'T give him reassurance by letting him know you will be there waiting if it all falls through - you are worth more than being his back up plan. Often people on these boards have success when the WAS realises that the BS is moving on in some way and they can see that the path home may no longer be open.
I think that you are going to have to wait a while for the fog to lift....probably a minimum of 6 months for the shine to start to diminish re OW.
Don't keep temperature testing the R all the time - I know it's hard not to but it makes the journey so much more of a rollercoaster. And bear in mind that when your H talks to you about your M being over he is having to justify his actions to both himself and you....what you hear is going to be a censored, sanitised version; I doub't he is sharing with you his worries about his actions.
Look after yourself and your children....that's what matters.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Morning, Just reading all the postings. Good ideas for me also. TxMom -- you get good support here. Wanted to let everyone know that I have one appt. left with Jody (DB coach), I am going to schedule it hopefully for this week. I am going to be brining up these same questions - detach, no contact, or true dBer. Will let you know what her suggestions are. I like what Saffie said about the temperature testing the R. I have not done that lately but was doing it almost every time I talked to H. I have gotten away from that. Well it is Monday and a new day at work. It is so stressful because there is always the chance I will see OW if she comes over to this building. I hate it. Makes it so difficult for me. But I am going to Yoga during lunch and breathe.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
TxMom, Thank you so much for starting this thread. I feel I have a lot in common with you and hope3343. Yesterday when H was at the grocery store with S4, I snooped and found a ton of emails btw him and OW. Tons of ILU in the subject line from him, then no message. Interestingly, only one ILU in return from her over about a week's time. I noticed that he sends her an email from his phone to let her know when I'm not around, when he's going to the store, etc. It makes me sick. I hate that he is in contact with her around our kids. He even sends her pictures of our boys. She is 10yrs older with no kids of her own, and doesn't respond other than "cute!".
That is the background to let you both know that I am struggling with the same issues regarding how to act. Do I really want this man back? I don't know him right now. He looks so depressed, and it makes him physically ill. He's gained a lot of weight and complains he looks old. He doesn't seem like he's having the time of his life, but whatever.
The thing that irritates me is he gives me a play by play of his evenings every morning. I don't believe a word of it. Why does he do that? "Oh I was in bed by 8 last night, I was beat!". Yeah, well living a double life will wear you out! And, every day he is asking me "are we cool, still friends?" I have gotten really good at smiling and saying yes, then quickly moving on to another subject or leaving the room. Distancing is pretty easy because I really don't like him right now. For the past several weeks I go dark during the day at work and he calls and emails multiple times a day! I did see an email from OW saying "is this weekend going to be like last weekend where I never see you?" He does spend both days with us and the kids out doing fun things, hanging at home, etc. He even hugs me goodbye when he leaves at night. And, he offers to watch the kids all the time so I can go out on my own (and I take him up on it.) Why is he so concerned with my GAL?
I hadn't minded all that until I found the emails yesterday. I thought we were moving in a positive direction, now I have no idea. Why was he so concerned about our friendship all weekend? Maybe to alay his guilt. Hope3343, I give you a lot of credit for having to see OW and handling it with grace. That takes a lot of strength. I saw my H's OW picture in her emails, and that is a hard reality check.
Me:33, H:34 T10, M8 S4,S3,S9m ILYBINILWY 11/07 Separation 1 2/08-8/08 Back Home 8/08-10/08 Separation 2 10/08- Too many bombs to count:(
Hi just a quick note to Jgrind and will respond to Twinhope later. Jgrind - $600 is a joke. Does your H co-own your house with you. Then he should be paying 1/2 mortg/taxes/insurance especially since you are raising HIS kids. That is cr@p. Does H think when you sell the house he will get 1/2???
I told my H straight out this is YOUR decision to abandon the marriage and you are responsible for 1/2 for the mortg/taxes/ins/lot mort/lot taxes -- all in all he is paying me $2100 a month including child support. I gave him a break on child support which roughly would be $800 a month so I reduced that to $450 otherwise he would have almost no money. I also told him I would not move till H turns 18 (3 more years so as far as I am concerned this is what we have to pay. Also H wanted the larger house and the lot next door.
Of course he is spending money like water since he has never done a budget in his life. I wonder if the OW knows he is in serious credit card debt? You need to ask what for what you deserve. Have you talked to Atty? Otherwise you should get the house.
That burns me that H feels that is all you need and I bet he is living high on the hog. Sorry to steal this stich but I got mad reading that.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Yes I think $600 is a joke too. As far as the house goes he says I can have the house. Well that does me no favors since I doubt it would sell right now and if it did Id probably take a loss. So I have to pay $2000/ mo in 1st and 2nd mortgage payments. I am also left with 2 credit cards with rather large balances that were incurred over past several years which he doesnt even pay half monthly payment toward. But what I will never tell him is that as measly as $600/ mo is, I could swing everything myself, with a few minor cuts, b/c I no longer have a $601 car payment - YEAH! I know what he makes and I estimated what he'd be paying per mo for bills, including the "support". He'd probably only have about $500-$600 leftover per month to pay his house rent and anything miscellaneous he'd like, so I doubt he is living high off the hog unless he got himself a credit card or took more money from his 401K. I am sure OW is contributing somewhat , though. Luckly our credit cards were never in his name and I only have one of each. Yes, did consult with atty and she believes the $600 figure was undercalculated by his atty. She also believes he should pay toward house as well. I need to make an outline of a "financial battleplan" to present to H. Afterall, when he left he said he wouldn't leave me "high and dry". How thoughtful. I think one reason why he doesnt help with anything around this house and hardly sets foot in this house is that he's afraid it will make him more obligated to the house. But I think he really just cant stand to be around me.
Good for you to insist for your H to pay 1/2 PLUS child support. I need to find my assertive self and step up, but what I am worried of is #1- pushing will drive him back to atty and #2- realisticly, it is squeezing blood from a turnip. I make more than he does anyway and the company he works for is on shaky ground right now. So I have to figure out the right approach.
I will post again later. I saw Fireproof on Saturday and really liked it. I was inspired to do something and I need opinion.
Hey JGrind, get tough with the finances. DO NOT feel sorry for H because of possible shaky job and not having enough to live on. This was THEIR choice not ours. I told my H if you want to live then this is what you owe. I am sure he agreed by guilt and I am sure ow will advice him that he is giving me too much -- but right now I am holding the "ACE Card", if H tries to screw me out of finances then I will turn him in for dating his direct report. I don't get mad I get even. This was his choice and he picked the worst economy to pull out of our marriage.
H keeps saying he wants me to be fair. Well was he fair when he cheated on us? I know we had problems but to refuse to work on your marriage after 21 years then I have to get tough.
I have been trying to save my tears for when I am alone. One day at a time.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Hope you are absolutely right, but like I said I really want to go about it the right way. Maybe DB coach will have some ideas for me.
I saw Fireproof on Saturday. I went by myself. God I wish our H's could see that movie. Anyway, the scene where H confronts OM. I know the rulebooks say not to confront them , but after I left the movie , got in my car and wrote a letter to OW on a napkin. I dont know if Ill ever send it. Id like to be able to say all of it to her in person. My grandma thinks I should give it to her b/c OW probably thinks I dont care and I need to let her know. But anyway, here's what I worked on......
OW, I want you to know as I quietly stand by, I am still fighting for my marriage, fighting to forgive, and to be forgiven. I let go of H not b/c I wanted to, but b/c it is what he wants and it is what he needs. He is confused and struggling inside with immense pain and hurt which only God can heal - not you and not even me. You had the courage and enough respect for yourself and your children to take a stand and set the boundaries in your relationship with your H. And for that I have respect. but other than that, what do you REALLY want? I wonder if you really know. You and my H cannot give to each other what you don't already have - and that is happiness. So for now I leave it in God's hands. He has all the answers and with God there is happiness.
Too nice, huh? Ill probably just add it to the collection of letters I havent already sent.
me -36 H -38 M 16yr T 21yr S14 D11 S11 ( twins) IDLYA 6/18 H moved out 6/19 H consulted atty little over 1 mo ago Still havent been "served"
Jgrind, put the letter in the box -- too nice! Get surviving an affair and read the letter that they suggest giving to H and a copy to the OW. This is if you decide to go no contact. Plan A/Plan B. T2L is on Plan A right now.
Fireproof should be mandatory for all H's. There was so many couples there and just a few single people. I cried and cried. At the end everyone clapped.
I know now without God in our marriage it had no chance to survive. Have you every been to rejoice ministries.org It is about this couple that the husband left they divorced and the wife never gave up and then they remarried and run this ministry. The husband calls himself the prodigal spouse. It is very interesting. Look it up. That was a truly hopeless case. My oldest D just called. She worries about me.
I met with C tonight also. Had a cry session. He suggested last week I go to Divorce Cares a group that is run here. I told him tonight that I decided not to go. I am not divorced and have not been served. Right now I am standing for my marriage even if I stand alone. We prayed together for God to give me comfort and that H would accept God's help, that is all I could do for today.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Hope, Thanks for your reply. Yes, I know, probably too nice but it doesnt mean it is not sincere - I just didnt show my other side as well.
Funny, I noticed mostly couples in the theatre as well. I think I was the only single. I was so emotional I was almost the last persont to finally get up and leave the theatre. Yet Id go back and see it again and again.
Im glad your oldest D is checking on you. Are either of your Ds warming up to H at all? Part of me wants my kids to be angry and cold toward H b/c I want him to see how this is effecting them. But that is selfish on my part. Maybe the more pleasant they are with him the more he'll want to be around them and us as a family. He took twins shopping to buy Halloween costumes this weekend and took D11 to volleyball practice. This was all my suggestion to him last week. He had said to me "hey , you need to take twins out to get their costumes - Ill pay half whatever it is". It made me mad inside and I politely said "well I thought you could do that this year since I am working on Halloween and they will be with you anyway." Just like he says "you need to get D11 to a doctor" (when she had horrible meltdown last week). I said "yes WE need to take her to a doctor or T". I know Ive been very co-dependent over the years. I thought I had to do everything for everybody. I was stressed, unable to relax, exhausted and as a result, depressed. I dont want to be encouraged to continue that behavior by H expecting me to do it. But I did thank H for doing those things (and remembering your suggestion) I said,"The twins are really excited" He looks at me kind of surprised and asked "they are!?" and I said "yes, and remember S11 soccer games on Thursdays after school - he will be happy to have you there" H says "I plan to be at all of them" So it has always been my intention to encourage my children's love and respect for their father, but how they feel is up to them. Sometimes you just want everyone to side with you 100% b/c you feel so wronged.
OK, Divorce Care group. The new church I am attending will be starting a group like that in Feb. I plan to attend (although things could be different then). I am not attending b/c I am giving in , but b/c this particular group ( I dont know if all groups are the same) does encourage reconcilliation if possible. I have spoken with the H/W team who will be leading the group and Ive made it clear to them just b/c I attend doesnt mean Im giving up. I want my marriage if at all possible. They understood, and said that side of the coin would be addressed. Plus I need all the support I can get, so Im going to be open -minded to it even if the name of the group implies D is the only option. Maybe you could attend just one or two meeting and see what you think? I admire you for standing for your M. I love that I am not alone in this thinking, b/c there are some family and friends who feel otherwise, and it is discouraging to my faith. One day at a time, girl.
