My BFF pointed out that it may be because I was so cool and reasonable in my email, he would have no idea how upset I am or how I need to have a conversation with him. Its beginning to drive me mad that he hasnt picked up the phone to me, just at the very moment when I needed it the most.
AND, if you had really let loose on how much the lies, hiding, etc hurt you and he didn't contact you, you would be talking about how you wish you hadn't 'scared him'.
This is ALL about him and where he is at. You were neutral and suggested a chat and he didn't bite. Based on how he seems to be, I don't think that letting him know how much it really hurt you would have gotten him to pick up the phone.
You may feel that this is the moment that you needed him most- but it's not. It's the moment that you need YOU the most. So that you won't be so tortured by someone elses whims in the future. Focus needs to shift to Ali.
Quote:
How could he just not speak to me about something so huge and critical that has altered the course of both our lives.
He didn't speak to you about it when he left; he didn't speak to you about ALL year; WHY would he all of a sudden gain so much maturity that he would reach out so that you could have some closure? I guess I am still irritated that you NEVER saw where he lived, that so often he would have these excuses of 'feeling rubbish' but would go out with others . DAMN IT! You deserve better!! He said you didn't deserve such treatment in his last email to you; that might be all the closure you get. That might be all he has to offer. His timeline is not your timeline and vice versa. ((ali))
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
Don't apologize for feeling the way you do Ali. I understand it but you're going to have to let it go. Stop expecting him to respond. It seems like he said that in his email to assuage his own guilt for the piss-poor way he handled the situation and his lack of courage.
He's gone. He's done. He doesn't owe you anything (in his book) and truthfully he doesn't. Other than business transactions regarding shared property there is no need to communicate with you. I don't want you to take that the wrong way. It's not how I feel about it, it's how I assume he is thinking. Yes.....ASSuming......
I'm here sweetie, I'll listen. You have been such an enormous help to me and I want to be here for you too. Lay it on girlfriend! I can take it!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I'm sorry this is a struggle for you, but as you said on my thread, it does take a while for the heart to catch up w/ the head. I know you are tired of hearing it, but it will get better in time.
I ended up hitting an epiphany after talking w/ Jody that I was enabling my XW to behave the way she was. Once I saw that my actions were helping her to act out her anger, I've been able to pull away.
Now I know my sitch is quite a bit different from yours, but I think there may be some enabling actions you've done in the past that he's banking on happening in the future.
I guess I'm trying to say that my take is you are doing what he wants and expects you to do. It isn't conscious or intentional on his part, but he expects you to keep the relationship alive b/c you always have. That has taken all pressure and responsibility off of him in your relationship (at least since the breakup).
So, this is where I see you needing to "drop the rope" and do a 180 for yourself and not for the sake of a relationship w/ BF. He wins and is being rewarded for his behavior and lack of accountability if you continue to be tied up in knots over him.
I hope I'm not too far off base here. You are special princess and he just isn't the one to realize it and thus, he isn't your Prince Charming. You will find yours, but it will take time and healing on your part first.
I used to be ashamed about being divorced, but I've realized that I did all I could for my marriage and there was never going to be anything that I did that could have turned it around. As long as my XW was in denial and blaming me for her issues, there would be no change. Thus, she isn't who I was meant to grow old with.
The 12 years we were together could be viewed as wasted, but I'm choosing to look at them as productive in terms of how much I've grown, learned, and changed. I think you should look at your sitch this way too. You haven't wasted your time, but you've spent valuable time learning and growing better.
Ok, I'm going to sign off now. I hope I didn't come across as preachy or like I'm giving you a lecture. I'm completely in your corner and I'm looking forward to the day (which will come soon) when you write to us about the wonderful new man in your life who seems like a gift from the Gods.
Keep smiling and stay positive. When you have trouble, just remember to keep going one step at a time.
Thanks Trixi, yep, beggars belief he never let me go to his flat, after all the love and support I gave him this year, AFTER we broke up, just astounding really hey.
Mishka, Michelle, thanks for being there, I hear the words but they are not sinking in or making sense.
Rob - you struck on something I was thinking today... that he expects me to be like this, to keep quiet, to take it, he has had all the power. Everyone talks of letting go, leaving it, but why not do what you said, do a 180.. do the opposite? Theres been no honest communication between us all year at any point, so why not speak up instead now? Say what I want? Tell him I need to talk? Be honest? Stop doing the DBing basically? Do all this BEFORE I say, ok, I give up hoping to get a conversation out of him and I move on regardless. It still matters to me, I havent died, I do exist, I want to be able to stand in front of him and have a conversation (havent thought ahead as far as what that would entail though).
So this is my idea, that I send him an anti-dbing email, an honest, lay it on the line, from the heart email. I guess I saw this before on others threads (although for me, the sitch is way past that, he is with someone else now)... is that what they call a Dobsons letter? But also, to acknowledge how hard it must be for him to get in touch. This isnt it, just some ideas:
I feel apprehensive about emailing you, but I wanted to reach out to you and be honest. I have been waiting for you to be able to phone me, but I understand that its probably been daunting for you to do that. I'm sorry if you dont feel comfortable calling me, but I would really appreciate talking to you so please can you call? I was worried too as I dont think there has been much honest communication this year and I know I wasnt honest with you about my feelings, as I was concerned about you being depressed and was worried about putting pressure on you. I appreciate you may be finding it hard to, but it would really help me if we could talk to one another.
Something along those lines???
Last ditch attempt to get an audeince with him, he's denied me a voice for over a year. Also, the account is nearly �900 short again and the money needs to go in by Monday at the latest and I dont want to have to contact him just about that. He will not have checked, I know. Its not fair that I have to do that, he's got someone new, someone supporting him, I havent, why cant he be the strong one and take some pressure of me at least over that aspect???
I now have some time to read and think what to post. I realise that you need to do this on your own pace and way. You feel a talk with him is what you need, you feel you need that, to finally understand if it is over or if there is still a hidden spark somewhere. I understand. I cant advise you to not or do send the email. And I sure cant advise you on the "words" to use. That email, no matter how you phrase it, all it says is "be cruel and honest, help me understand if it is over, I dont get it". Personally, I think no matter what you two talk about, you will be left with the same questions...
I've been there but it was months ago. I let go then of the need to get explanations. I admitted to myself that the only sufficient/good talk I wanted to have with him would be one that ended with a "I am sorry I want back" and given the circumstances I figured I wouldnt get that. So, I quit hoping and let go.
Our situations are alike and different. What worked for me, will not necessarily work for you and vice versa. I have only one suggestion to make: try and figure out what would be the "dealbreaker" for you. Would it be him telling you it is over, directly in your face? Would it be hearing he is living with someone else? Would it be falling suddenly for another man? What would it be? Figure that out, be honest to yourself and once you have that, go on until that happens or he returns to you. BUT make it a concious choice. Not because of the stars suggesting something else (you are good by the way), or because your BF made a comment that you had not thought of before, or because you remembered something that happened years ago. You dont need excuses to go on wanting him back. This is why you are here.
Some of us quit. We dont expect you to quit because we did. For me, I would have quit a bit sooner if I was in your shoes. And to be honest I think you should start thinking of the possibility of the time passing by with him only taking benefit of that while you should both making the best out of it. But I understand. You need time. You have it. Make sure you live your life until "that" happens, whatever "that" is, good or bad. Love xxx K
Hey Kalni, thankyou thankyou.. I know everyone keeps asking why I want this, I guess I cant explain it logically? Yes, maybe its because I am slow and I cant quite 'believe' it until he looks me in the eye and tells me, but mainly I think, its a matter of justice. Its unjust the way he has acted. Its unjust to let me find out in a pub from his friends and then not call to apologise. I havent died, I exist and I feel like I am just owed one conversation. You're right, I dont know what good it would do, but we were so close all year, it just doesnt feel right that he drifted away. I want to face him and face up to it.
Also, I would like to have a friendship of sorts with him, so in order to have that, this is a necessary step. And yes, honesly, I do still love him and it hurts tremendously that all his actions this year seem to have been about winning her, not caring about me. My BFF said, I was his safety net and as soon as he won her, he cut the chord.. although, I still wonder if a little part of him couldnt quite finally burn that bridge. Not for wanting me back, but perhaps to see how it went with her (if she has given him the run around all year) he might not have felt confident in holding onto her, so perhaps that is why he still cant face up to it with me? In a funny way, I think us having a talk would only serve to set HIM free.
Thanks for saying I am good! Mercury moves forward tommorow, so I got my hopes up that we would have contact mid-end of week? Everyone else seems to be getting that ! And sadly, yes I do need more time to work through this.. you and your H have had some convos, some honest confrontations about D... I've had nothing! A slightly oblique email, thats all. I think there is a tiny sliver of hope left in my heart and so its also a necessary step to face him and have him dissolve it. I guess I just need that clarity. He hasnt admitted it yet, not that doesnt mean that it is true!
So the question is, and you seem to advocate waiting, do I email him to tell him I need to talk, or not!? Hmm.
I think Kalni summed it up better than I could. This is up to you and what you feel comfortable with, but you need to have some set ideas as to what would be the dealbreaker for you. Going in to a conversation w/out this would most likely result in more of the same for you which is simply maddening for you, my dear and it keeps you from being and living for you.
If I did have a comment on the test e-mail you posted, I would take out anything that sounds like you are desperate or begging him to contact you. Instead, I'd try to be more straight w/ him and ask to meet him and tell him why. If he choses to not meet you after that, then you shouldn't be pursuing him to talk.
I think he'd like it if you put down "can we talk, please?" That would show him he still has power and control over how you feel. So, take a few days to think about it and rework a few drafts until anything that sounds remotely desperate or clingy is completely removed from the e-mail.
Again, that's just my thoughts on what you should send him if you decided to do it.
Ok, thanks ROb! My friend helped me draft another, more focusing on things from my own perspective and voicing why he may not be calling. But considering what you said, I am not sure this sounds any better...
Hi, I was a little worried about emailing you again, because you hadnt been in contact with me yet. I just wanted you to know that like you, I miss talking to you, but I wasnt sure it was ok for me to call you. I dont know how you are feeling about calling me but I was wondering if you felt awkward about it. I wouldnt want you to feel awkward, we've known each other a long time and I hoped we could still talk to one another and its been hard not to talk to you lately. I just wanted to reassure you that its ok to contact me, if you still wanted to.
...and that took ages to write! Its a minefield. I can see that this is important to me and not so to him, despite him saying in his email that he missed talking to me and wanted to. That was coming up 2 weeks ago though. Its just very frustrating.
