Post Finale

[GFI]

Jeff - Unfortunately I have nothing of much to offer you apart from my very best wishes and thoughts with hope of a better, brighter time as soon as you start coming up from that bottom.

Best wishes - GFI

[frank_D]

A lot of pressure. I am just so tired and I am not motivated to do anything.

So I sit around, read some, and dream of a better time. Drinking a lot more than I should but it helps make time pass faster.

Yeah, but we both know that it also keeps us depressed. We have to stay away from it or it'll make too much time pass too quickly.

[Bworl]

Jeff,

I think you're one of the good guys in the world. So forgive me if this post comes off as self-righteous or cliche - neither are intended.

You've got a wound Jeff. And when you've got a wound, you have to clean the wound, dress it, care for it, protect against infection, have it checked from time to time.

But you've got to do something about it.

I've done my share of drinking Jeff. I'm certainly not anti-alcohol. But I know this about it - it's not a healing agent. It's nothing more than anesthetic. Numbs the pain, makes it not feel so bad for awhile. It doesn't do a blessed thing to heal the wound.

I'm not in any way telling you it's time to be done with the pain. It's YOUR pain, and it will fade in YOUR time. We all have our own unique tolerances for pain.

I'm just saying it's time to start doing some healing Jeff.

Yeah, it sucks, all of it.

So maybe it's time to find something in your life that doesn't suck. Something that doesn't suck AND allows some healing to take place would be perfect.

There is too much good in you to allow it to sit in the easy chair each night in an anesthetized state.

We don't need to be on the bottom to begin working our way back up. Start where you are. Work your way up from there.

Sorry if this is coming across too much like "pull yourself up by the bootstraps." Again, not my intention.

I care about you. And I hate seeing you still down and out.



Blessings,

Bill

[Jeff223]

Time for an update me thinks.

First off, thanks all for reading. Means a lot.

And yes frank - time is priceless.

Lissie - I hope all is well. I am guilty of not keeping up with you, but you are so popular ....

GFI - how are you?

No Bill, you will never come off as "self-righteous or cliche".

I post about drinking to remind myself that it is a problem that can consume me if I let it. No excuses - right now it fills a need but everything has a price and the price booze asks of me is not what I am willing to pay in the long haul. And I value those who have 'been there, done that, bad mojo...'

I am still stuck in a bit of depression but I am feeling better.

I just got back from vacationing with the kids - fall school break. We had a great time. Went to usual places and some new ones and we had a blast. D7 had her first pony ride - priceless.

But we also ran into several families the kids knew from school. We only went two hours from where we live, so with the price of gas others planned like we did. It was tough for me to do the introductions when I met them - they were whole families and we were not. I cannot help but think what they were thinking - where was 'mommy'?

It sucks. I would give up anything to be on vacation as a whole family. Table after table at the hotel dining spot had the 'whole familes' interacting and planning their day.

Not me.

No. I don't miss HER. I miss the concept of family, not her.

Maybe not so much. But in some ways I do miss her.

I know this is not true b/c of the people I know and respect here - but I cannot shake the thought that the 'L' in LBS means *Loser*.

But I am trying to be upbeat. Did a few things on my house so I am celebrating some progress. But overall I am still stuck.

This too shall pass.

I am trying to be better at work. Had a few low points but I need the job. Since the beginning of the year my retirement savings were cut by 50% due to my divorce and now they are down another 20% due to the stock market. Not much left.

But I need not worry - the newspaper had an interview with some 20-something who makes seven-figures explain to me that in "15 to 20 years" I will be okay. That SOB who makes his salary if he makes me money or loses it ....

I don't have 20-years.

But I will survive.

All for now. I see light at the end of the tunnel and it is not a train.

But so much work. But without work, and effort, and crafting a new future, what would we be?

Strength and Honor.

[SDFoundGirl]

I came to check in with you before I leave since you were kind enough to post on my thread...and because, well, we have history.

Sweetie, post-divorce is no different from post-bomb. It still takes DBing. DBing, in the end, is not really about marriage, it's about you.

What we focus on is what we see. Therefore, focusing on all the crap in the world and your sitch will bring you down. But what if you focused on the good? What if you spent 10-minutes every day either writing or actively thinking about what was good that day? Your D's first ride, making it out of bed, some laughs you had with your kids...it seems too simple, but appreciation and gratitude are incredibly powerful tools.

You are a great man, but your life will not change until you decide it's time for it to change. In the end, it is really as simple as a choice, and you are the only person who is able to make that particular choice.


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.

I hope you will be well...this is the life you have, not a dress rehearsal. What kind of life will you choose? What brings you closer to what you want, and what takes you from that path?

SD

[Jeff223]

Thanks SD. Wise words as usual. I will miss your input but I realize that everyone must move forward at their own pace.

You are one of three that I communicated with over the past two-plus years that made it. I thought of all the others and I stopped count at 50 or so folks I corresponded with regularly. There were more. So, the odds are about 5% once you land here.

The others did not do as well. Most are divorced; many left the site. Some are still in the D process with little hope of turning things around. Some are about to enter that process. The rest are in limbo or such and for those I pray the hardest since life is too short to be stuck.

That is why I disagree with the "standing" crowd. If you catch it soon enough as the three I refer to did, there is hope. Even Michelle's books imply things should change around sooner than later. But after a year or so - or "one month for each year of the relationship" - the 5% odds catch up with you.

Me? I am doing better than last month. Ups and downs but not moving forward as well as I would like. Like I said it sucks being stuck.

A great thing SDFound said on her thread is that she could not keep reliving 2006 over and over again. That is what I have been doing and it has to stop.

I am slowly getting back to liking me for who I am. Since my D was final I have been very hard on myself. That also has to stop. Sure, there are many things I don't like about me but they should not be the sum total of who I am.

I am a nice guy really. And I have many good qualities. They define who I am.

My relationship with my kids has never been better. While that is a big positive - D means more one-on-one time by definition - D still sucks. Just last night D7 said she was "homesick" and wanted to go to her mother. That was a kick in the gut.

Well, on to better things and rebuilding my life. I refer back to the first post on this thread and I need to make that happen. Got to get out of the rut of feeling sorry for me.

Will be posting much less - this BB was a lifesaver but now it is pulling me down. I no longer have the strength to support others b/c I have to find the strength to support me. But I will lurk around on those that are still to complete their journey here.

Strength and Honor.

[WCW]

I am slowly getting back to liking me for who I am.

This is key to your future. You have been bombed so much into thinking you aren't quality enough for your xw, it is such a blow that it does take a loonnggg time to recover from the damage the WAS causes us.

That is why it is so important to get out and GAL and find people that DO recognize your qualities. Get into groups that appreciate you. Rebuild.

We'll always butt heads on 'standing'. IMO it depends a lot on the WAS and if you have even have a chance to 'stand' or if they take that option away from you when they head full speed to file D.

A major difference for us is I had the option and am doing my work to like myself while I am still M, while you are doing your work post D. The important point is that we both get there again.

(((Jeff)))

[faithisbelieving]

Jeff...this thread slipped by me. I could kick myslef for it. You are only a year or so out of this my friend. Healing takes longer than a year for many people. There is no way to speed up the process.

You, my friend, are far better at DB'ing and staying reality based than I, but, even I can tell you that you must stop the self-blame and victimization.

DonH....took quite some time before he got back into the cockpit and took off again. It's not easy but something we must do as men. Jeff...you know the classic line...the journey of a lifetime starts with the first footstep. Take that step...put yourself out there. Remember N.U.T.S.? Men take risks.

Risk something....try something new and, most of call, just pick up the bottles if they are in the house and THROW THEM OUT. Medically, alcohol is a DEPRESSANT.

Jeff...you ARE a good man. Heal. There is no rush, but, start the wound healing. Get out there.
FIB

[Jeff223]

Latest, just to journal:

Recently my daughter D7 is getting very upset when it is my weekend and her mom calls. She either does not want to talk to mom or if she does she cries on the phone and after. She misses her mom. D7 gets upset when she has to leave me too, not crying but sad. Of course, mom has a right to call so I would not request she not, but I try to limit my calls when they are with Ex. So I thought I should let Ex know. I emailed:

Me: Just to let you know without suggesting anything, when you call on the weekends it really upsets D7, and S11 to a lesser degree. I just thought you should know.

Her response:

Ex: Jeff, about D7, she cries every Wednesday night and Thursday morning that rolls around because she knows she has to leave me. I am not trying to hurt you. I thought you should know.

I guess I should feel very guilty here. Notice the guilt trip - "I am not trying to hurt you" with the big BUT unsaid: but you are making your daughter unhappy b/c she has to leave mom. She would rather be with mom than with you. This is all your fault Jeff.

Mom wants me to understand that D7 is REALLY upset when she is torn from her mom by my doing ("she knows she has to leave me"). She loves mom so much and mom is #1 in her life. Dad is not needed; dad is causing the pain.

Maybe I am reading too much into this, but I think not. It fits the pattern I have lived with for the past 2-1/2 years.

I just had an interesting exchange on frank_D's thread where I was reminded of compassion, grace, and forgiveness.

It is very hard to feel those things when my 7-year old daughter is suffering and her mom fails to take even partial responsiblity for it - in fact she implies the opposite like I am the low life that caused all this suffering and continues to do so.

It is very hard.

This sucks. My life sucks.

Yea, I know, compassion and forgiveness.

[GFI]

Hi there Jeff - could you be seeing something more than is there? Essentially, from what you have reported, an alternative view is that you are saying the same thing to each other...how about using this - you could see it as an honest exchange between 2 people - which is good - could you 180 it by perhaps emailing to say:

"Well, it sounds as if D7 gets upset when she leaves you and when she leaves me - or an event like a switch from one of us to the other reminds her about the situation. Perhaps we could have a chat to think how we might deal with this situation so we can help her to deal with it?"

Jeff - even if your interpretation is actually correct - you could put a different spin on it to model a more productive/collaborative approach...

anyway - just an idea...

KBO - GFI