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#1657496 - 11/24/08 12:20 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: Distressed67]
ernest88 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/18/08
Posts: 5045
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Weekend update,

W calls me Friday afternoon to see if I will be working late. I told her that I would be and that I was going to go straight to the swimming pool and that she would have to drop the kids off there on her way to the make-up party. She asks if I will have time to get something to eat, I said probably not. She askes if I want her to bring me something to eat to the pool. I told her I had a big lunch and should be fine but thanks for offering.

I got done early so I went home, got changed quickly and then took the kids to the pool. Told W to have a good time and not to drink too much and to drive safely because the road are slick. She said she was not going too because of the weather.

Did not get home till after 9:30 from the pool and W got home shortly after. We watch a little tv then I went to bed. In the morning my W informed me that she had to pick up my D from the movies tonight and take her friends home so we would not be going out. Was irritated and said that to her. Told her we need time to go out and just be together and that it can't always be about the kids. Did not really get much of a responce from her and she got up to get ready.

I got up then and made myself breakfast and then I went and got dressed. Talked a little more to my W about other things. I had shelved my disappointment and moved on. The kids and I then went with the Boy Scouts to help stuff baskets for Thanksgiving. When we got home I took my D over to a friends house about 3:00 because she was going to see the Twilight movie. When I got home my W was there and suggested we go out and do some shopping and stuff. We could not because my S made plans with one of his friends and they were going to pick him up at our house sometime around 6 and that would be too late for us to go out because the movie was over at 6:45. And we would not have enoght time to go out and get back before 6.

My W decised to go alone while I stayed home and did stuff around the house. After my S left I started to make dinenr for us when my W called to inform me that my SIL and Neice were also coming over. Oh if the night could not get any better. I figured at this point though what did it matter and just put on my best PMA and had dinner with the 4 of them.

My SIL and Neice left right after dinner, bummer, and my W and I watched a movie together and then went to bed together. We talked for a while and then she snuggled up to me. In the morning I returned the favor and snuggled up to her.

Sunday was hectic. It was my FIL 80th birthday and we were having a surprise party for him at a local resturant. We went early in the morning to set up and then back at 12:30 to get the food out and prepare for the guests. We had about 45 people show up and it was really nice.

We had a Texas Holdem tournament for who ever wanted to play and Bingo for the rest and the kids. We had a first prize of $50.00 which I won so technically I won my own money but its better than losing it. Helped clean up and everone said they had a great time.

Got home watch a little football, saw that my Dolphins got crushed and then the W and I watch a little tv and I went to bed.

So all in all it was a nice weekend. Not exacly as I had planned but it never is.


just a suggestion Tim and don't take this the wrong way..Please??

It will not hurt the kids to miss out on things one weekend so you and your W can get out as a couple..it sounds like W was really receptive and "kids" outings got in the way..

the date may be an important thing for you both..make it happen..if you can..

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#1657531 - 11/24/08 12:55 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: ernest88]
Distressed67 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/08
Posts: 1174
I'm not taking it the wrong way. I agree 100%. I said this to her after I found out that we could not go out because of her picking up our D. We were talking about our S homework that needs done, his science fair project, his merit badges and the stuffing of baskets that needed done on Saturday. Thats when I told her I need time to do stuff for myself. And she said you did last Sunday, this was said in jest. Thats when I said I am tired of everything being for the kids and about the kids what about us. I said I wanted to go out tonight.

She may have taken it the wrong way at first and that is why she got out of bed and went into the bathroom to get changed. I did not mean it to sound like I don't want to do stuff for or with my kids or that they are a burden to me but holy cow if we don't spend time together and learn how to enjoy each other again how are we ever going to get the intimacy back that is needed to revitalize this M. I sometimes feel like a dog chasing its tail.

After she came downstairs we were able to continue our converstation and then when she got back from shopping for stuff for the birthday party on Sunday and we were cutting up veggies and cheese that she suggested going out shopping together. I also think it is why she came to bed early. Either to appease me or she is seeing the relavence of my argument. Who knows which it is my mind reading tool is on the fritz, got one to spare?

I just want to find a happy balance between the kids, the house, my time and our time together. Right now the frist two take it all and there is almost none for the last. I have been pondering for about two weeks now on how I should broach this subject and have us work on a solution because one needs to be found.

Anyway, How was your weekend Mike. Must have beed great with having your D and all.

Tim
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#1657598 - 11/24/08 01:36 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: Distressed67]
Kakatal Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/08
Posts: 211
Loc: Southern CA
Good morning Tim. As always thanks for your advice on my sitch. Hope I can return the favor.

Originally Posted By: Distressed67
That's when I said I am tired of everything being for the kids and about the kids what about us. I said I wanted to go out tonight.

I have been pondering for about two weeks now on how I should broach this subject and have us work on a solution because one needs to be found.


Reading the above 2 sentences it appears to me that you have already broached the subject with you w. And in your earlier post, you said the following:

Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Told her we need time to go out and just be together and that it can't always be about the kids. Did not really get much of a response from her and she got up to get ready.

When I got home my W was there and suggested we go out and do some shopping and stuff.


It appears that your w did hear your concern although initially she did not respond to you, she later did try on her part to do something with you.

I'd just tell her you would like to talk & bring up how you want to plan "date night" or something along the lines of wanting to dedicate a night once a month, every two weeks, whatever feels comfortable to her for the 2 of you to go out & enjoy life. It isn't a subject that is coming out of left field - you already brought it up this past weekend.

You are dead on with not restoring feelings of intimacy if you do not start enjoying each other's company alone.
_________________________
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6
S 4, D 2
Bomb 7/17/08
OM confirmed 7/23/08
D Filed 7/25/08
D served 9/17/08

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#1657609 - 11/24/08 01:53 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: Distressed67]
ernest88 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/18/08
Posts: 5045
Quote:
She may have taken it the wrong way at first and that is why she got out of bed and went into the bathroom to get changed. I did not mean it to sound like I don't want to do stuff for or with my kids or that they are a burden to me but holy cow if we don't spend time together and learn how to enjoy each other again how are we ever going to get the intimacy back that is needed to revitalize this M. I sometimes feel like a dog chasing its tail.

After she came downstairs we were able to continue our converstation and then when she got back from shopping for stuff for the birthday party on Sunday and we were cutting up veggies and cheese that she suggested going out shopping together. I also think it is why she came to bed early. Either to appease me or she is seeing the relavence of my argument. Who knows which it is my mind reading tool is on the fritz, got one to spare?


I think she heard you, ignored it, then tried to make it up to you with the shopping trip..

you are a dog chasing it's tail now..but if you catch the damn thing then >>ohhhh what fun that could be!!

I had a crystal ball one time..Ian broke the damn thing with a 2x4 so I no longer have one.. \:D

Quote:
I just want to find a happy balance between the kids, the house, my time and our time together. Right now the frist two take it all and there is almost none for the last. I have been pondering for about two weeks now on how I should broach this subject and have us work on a solution because one needs to be found.


so find a way.. a solution is there. Look for it..ask her for a date night..get a sitter..tell the kids..something comes up with a friend then you just miss out..this night is all about mom and dad time..

Quote:
Anyway, How was your weekend Mike.


it's a party all the time Tim..Jocularity, Jocularity


Edited by M from Tennessee (11/24/08 01:54 PM)

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#1657632 - 11/24/08 02:18 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: Kakatal]
Distressed67 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/08
Posts: 1174
Originally Posted By: Kakatal
Good morning Tim. As always thanks for your advice on my sitch. Hope I can return the favor.

Originally Posted By: Distressed67
That's when I said I am tired of everything being for the kids and about the kids what about us. I said I wanted to go out tonight.

I have been pondering for about two weeks now on how I should broach this subject and have us work on a solution because one needs to be found.


Reading the above 2 sentences it appears to me that you have already broached the subject with you w. And in your earlier post, you said the following:

Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Told her we need time to go out and just be together and that it can't always be about the kids. Did not really get much of a response from her and she got up to get ready.

When I got home my W was there and suggested we go out and do some shopping and stuff.


It appears that your w did hear your concern although initially she did not respond to you, she later did try on her part to do something with you.

I'd just tell her you would like to talk & bring up how you want to plan "date night" or something along the lines of wanting to dedicate a night once a month, every two weeks, whatever feels comfortable to her for the 2 of you to go out & enjoy life. It isn't a subject that is coming out of left field - you already brought it up this past weekend.

You are dead on with not restoring feelings of intimacy if you do not start enjoying each other's company alone.


Your right I did bring up the subject but not in a very constructive way. I need to do it in a fashion that is conducive to working together and coming to an agreement that will benifit both of us.

I suggested many months ago about us having a date night, it was not received very well and nothing came from it and I think that is why I hesitate. I think now is a much better time to bring it back up and see where it gets me because the longer I/ we wait the less likely it is to get done. And the less likely that we will be able to reconnect.
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#1660758 - 11/28/08 06:22 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: Distressed67]
steady Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/08
Posts: 1443
Loc: New York
lol Tim. It was my bringing up my frustration at not following through on the MC's telling us to have a date night every week that started the giant snowball rolling into a 3 hour sink throwing, missile firing, grenade tossing, flame thrower, dirty nuclear bomb full assault on me by my W. lol

It was my expectations - I expect her to want to spend time with me and when she consistently chooses other things my a$$ gets in my own way. But I am learning.

Working very hard right now on GAL. I need that - it will take me out of the whirlwind that is my W. She's a freakin twister one second, then pure sunshine the next. Was an insane evening last night - I woke up this morning feeling like I woke up in a totally different universe. It was the weirdest feeling I've ever had.

Funny how we parallel.

Next time one of the moments happen - ask for the hug. But have no expectations on getting it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking - I ask my W and she is always receptive. Sometimes she even initiates it lately. (I'm not talking about the hello/goodbye hugs that we've doing for quite a while) The worst your W could say is no. If you feel it get awkward after you ask - you can even add: "It's ok if you don't want to. And I only want you to if it's something you want to do." This way you won't have the - did she do that only because I asked and she felt obligated or did she do it because she really wanted to question that will arise in your head.

I went through this with my W at one point. Told her I don't want her to say or do anything out of some 'obligation' because I don't want to have to question her motivation. This conversation came up after she said in MC that she was doing certain things so she wouldn't 'hurt my feeling'. I told her I don't need her pity and would rather her do what she wants to do. So after that I had the why did she do that question in my - that's when I sat her down and had the conversation with her.

You have to chisel out the time for you and your W. If you don't that time will fill up with something else - as I'm sure you know. Make a date (after talking with your W about it) and then make sure the coast is clear - like Mike said - baby sitter, talk to the kids, etc... Clear the path so you guys can follow through on the date.
_________________________
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Me-47
STBXW-41
D-5
S-8
ILYBNILWY-01/08
Want a D- 01/09
Physical Sep-01/10
D filed-06/10
Got 50% custody=09/11
Ride that wave!

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#1663262 - 12/02/08 11:13 AM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: steady]
Distressed67 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/08
Posts: 1174
Update on my last week,

Wednesday my W and D went to Philly with my SIL to look at Temple U and to do some shopping. My W called me several times during the day. One time to let me know that they arrived, then again to say that they liked the campus, Another time to say that her niece was not getting off at 8pm like she was suppose to so they will be late and then several more time bitching about her having to work till after 11pm getting ready for Black Friday. Her last call was at 12:30am to inform me that they were finally leaving. Told her to drive safely and if she felt tired to pull over because I was worried about her and our D. They finally got home about 2:30 in the morning.

Thursday I was up about 7:30 to start the turkey. My W got up and we worked together to get it in the oven. I then proceeded to clean up around the house while she went up to bed to rest. We then worked together to get the rest of the dinner ready and my IL arrived about 1pm for dinner. Had a nice time, we cleaned up and then played a little poker and they all left about 4:30. Good for me, watch a little bit of football and we spent the rest of the day vegging.

Friday my W went shopping and I spent a good portion of the day setting up spread sheets for her because she took over as treasure of out S Boy Scout troop and the person who has done it for the last several years did it on paper. A lot of data entry and double checking his figures to make sure all was in order. My W got home around 4pm and she finished imputing the data. We ordered pizza and watched a move together.

Saturday morning I woke up and snuggled up to my W and we would have stayed in bed longer but my D friend called and woke us up. We then took the kids and my SIL to cut down a tree for Christmas. The kids really like doing this and we all decided on a Frasier Fur this year to be different. My W asked me if I would be OK with it and that I would not disappointed. I told her that change is good, she had bought new LED lights for the tree this year so its only fitting to get a different style of tree. What the he11, I have changed everything else this year I might as well change the style of tree also.

Got home put the tree up and started checking the light that I put outside to make sure they work. W took D and her friend over to her house and was going to stop and see if she could get more LED lights. I started to put up the lights when she got home. We put the rest of the lights up together. We then went inside and did the lights on the tree inside.

Spent the rest of the evening together until she went to pick up our D. She had a headache earlier in the day but thought she had gotten rid of it. I asked her when she came to bed how she thought we were doing because I don’t know what she is thinking. She said that we were doing Ok, and then she changed it to good. Then she said that she still had a headache and took her migraine medicine for it. I dropped the subject and we just snuggled till she fell asleep.

Sunday we meet my mom for breakfast and then I took the kids home and got my S started on his homework while I did some work that I brought home. I then had a swim meeting at 1pm and when I got home my W, D and MIL had gone out shopping leaving my FIL there to put dinner in.

We ate dinner with the IL again and then I cleaned up. Spent the rest of the evening decorating the tree and the house and then we watch a little tv together and I headed off to bed.

We really are getting along better and at one point while we were playing Hold’em my W said that I was “small” meaning small blind and I said that she should never say that to a guy. She gave me a big smile and we both had a little chuckle out of it. Its been a long time since I made a sexual reference to my W that she took with a smile. Take it as a positive. Now we just need to get some intimacy back. Plan on bringing us up again this weekend and hopefully can get more information out of her and also plan on pushing for MC.

Have a great week all.

Tim

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#1663333 - 12/02/08 12:26 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: Distressed67]
ernest88 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/18/08
Posts: 5045
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Update on my last week,

Wednesday my W and D went to Philly with my SIL to look at Temple U and to do some shopping. My W called me several times during the day. One time to let me know that they arrived, then again to say that they liked the campus, Another time to say that her niece was not getting off at 8pm like she was suppose to so they will be late and then several more time bitching about her having to work till after 11pm getting ready for Black Friday. Her last call was at 12:30am to inform me that they were finally leaving. Told her to drive safely and if she felt tired to pull over because I was worried about her and our D. They finally got home about 2:30 in the morning.

Thursday I was up about 7:30 to start the turkey. My W got up and we worked together to get it in the oven. I then proceeded to clean up around the house while she went up to bed to rest. We then worked together to get the rest of the dinner ready and my IL arrived about 1pm for dinner. Had a nice time, we cleaned up and then played a little poker and they all left about 4:30. Good for me, watch a little bit of football and we spent the rest of the day vegging.

Friday my W went shopping and I spent a good portion of the day setting up spread sheets for her because she took over as treasure of out S Boy Scout troop and the person who has done it for the last several years did it on paper. A lot of data entry and double checking his figures to make sure all was in order. My W got home around 4pm and she finished imputing the data. We ordered pizza and watched a move together.

Saturday morning I woke up and snuggled up to my W and we would have stayed in bed longer but my D friend called and woke us up. We then took the kids and my SIL to cut down a tree for Christmas. The kids really like doing this and we all decided on a Frasier Fur this year to be different. My W asked me if I would be OK with it and that I would not disappointed. I told her that change is good, she had bought new LED lights for the tree this year so its only fitting to get a different style of tree. What the he11, I have changed everything else this year I might as well change the style of tree also.

Got home put the tree up and started checking the light that I put outside to make sure they work. W took D and her friend over to her house and was going to stop and see if she could get more LED lights. I started to put up the lights when she got home. We put the rest of the lights up together. We then went inside and did the lights on the tree inside.

Spent the rest of the evening together until she went to pick up our D. She had a headache earlier in the day but thought she had gotten rid of it. I asked her when she came to bed how she thought we were doing because I don’t know what she is thinking. She said that we were doing Ok, and then she changed it to good. Then she said that she still had a headache and took her migraine medicine for it. I dropped the subject and we just snuggled till she fell asleep.

Sunday we meet my mom for breakfast and then I took the kids home and got my S started on his homework while I did some work that I brought home. I then had a swim meeting at 1pm and when I got home my W, D and MIL had gone out shopping leaving my FIL there to put dinner in.

We ate dinner with the IL again and then I cleaned up. Spent the rest of the evening decorating the tree and the house and then we watch a little tv together and I headed off to bed.

We really are getting along better and at one point while we were playing Hold’em my W said that I was “small” meaning small blind and I said that she should never say that to a guy. She gave me a big smile and we both had a little chuckle out of it. Its been a long time since I made a sexual reference to my W that she took with a smile. Take it as a positive. Now we just need to get some intimacy back. Plan on bringing us up again this weekend and hopefully can get more information out of her and also plan on pushing for MC.

Have a great week all.

Tim



hammer down..

it's all good..

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#1666702 - 12/05/08 10:59 AM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: ernest88]
Distressed67 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/08
Posts: 1174
Couple of interesting interactions with my W this week.

On Tuesday she called me at work at lunch time to see what I was doing. Told her I had just got done eating and asked what she was doing and how her day was going. She said it has been busy and that she was just calling to tell me that they were getting ready to leave for their overnight conference. Told her to drive safely and to have a good time. We talked for a while longer and then she said that she would call tonight.

I knew she was going out of town and that they were leaving around noon but not sure why she called. It was nice that she did. She did call later on in the evening and talked to my D for a minute and then we talked for a while about the rest of her day and mine and what her plans were for tomorrow as far as when she will be home and stuff.

On Wednesday I had a meeting at a job site late in the afternoon about an 1-1/2 from home. On my way back I called my D to let her know when to turn the oven on and to start dinner so I could get them to swim practice on time. When I got home my W car was in the driveway, I was surprised because I did not think she would be home till late. As soon as I got out of my car my phone rang and it was my W. As I walked up onto my deck I could see her talking to me on the phone through the kitchen window, she saw me and laughed. We continued to talk on the phone as I came through the back door and she had gone into the dinning room to get something. She said goodbye but I kept talking and she finally said goodbye again and hung up on me. The nerve of her hanging up on me like that.

Last night I was downloading pictures for my S science project so that we could send them somewhere to get them printed. I was sitting in the chair at the computer while my W was sitting on the floor near me. We were talking about our day and stuff while I finished getting the pictures to the site. It was getting late so as the pictures were downloading to the site my W said for me to go to bed since I have to get up early and she will finish.

Here is the interesting part she said to me “help your old lady up here.” Now I have never and would never say that to any woman let alone my W and normally she would say “help me up.” Not really sure why she said that. I know in the construction industry around her a lot of the men call their W or GF that but I have always found it to be derogatory and demeaning to them. Maybe its nothing but I thought it was an interesting comment by her that’s all.

Today we are meeting at my S school for a parent/ teacher conference. Not sure what this is about but I am banking it is due to his lack of effort in school. He just got his report card and all the teachers said the same thing. Good student, does not pay attention in class and is not working to his potential. He got all A’s and B’s and a C in math for the first time which I am not happy about and that is the teacher we are seeing today at 11:45. After the conference my W and I are going out to lunch. I know she has talked to him about his lack of effort and not paying attention in class so I will leave it be until the next report card and if he has not improved he knows I will be the one stepping in at that point.

Tonight I have a High School Swim meet and then early tomorrow is my kids age group swim meet so its going to be a long couple of days on a pool deck.

I am planning on talking to my W this weekend about where we stand and about possibly going to MC to improve our communications skills that are severely lacking. Hopefully she is receptive to it and opens up to me about how she feels and how she thinks we are doing.

Take care all and have a great weekend.

Tim
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Thread #10

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#1667167 - 12/05/08 08:15 PM Re: Doing what got me this far. [Re: Distressed67]
steady Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/08
Posts: 1443
Loc: New York
Hi Tim. It sounds really good. I'm glad you asked your W how she thought you guys were doing. Sometimes you have to put your a$$ out there. It's nice also she changed it from ok to good. It means she was really thinking about what you asked, and not just spitting out an answer to get past the subject. Nice stuff there.

Yeah, new type of Christmas tree. What the hell...lol. Complete redo for you this year man. I actually got a compliment from my W, it was actually her telling me about what her mom thought of my changes, and said her mom wishes her dad could do what I did. I know I've been working my a$$ off to be a better person - and I know it's working. Not because someone else is telling me, but because I can feel the difference inside of me. These changes have become me. (Or maybe I've become the changes - or maybe I'm coming because of the changes? lol)

Like Mike said, hammer down. You're still doing really good. Have a nice weekend.
_________________________
MySitch
Me-47
STBXW-41
D-5
S-8
ILYBNILWY-01/08
Want a D- 01/09
Physical Sep-01/10
D filed-06/10
Got 50% custody=09/11
Ride that wave!

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