Q&A with the WAS

[No Longer BH]

Hope and Christar, thank you both sooooo much for opening up about your true feelings. It gives more insight into the thought process of a WAS to us LBS.

May I ask some more? Was it a slow process for you to want to R or did it just hit you one day? If it was slow, did you try reaching out with little gestures before actually proclaiming that you want R to work? If fast, did you just wake up and say I want R backand then profess to LBS your feelings? DO you think that the WAS spouce wants to R awhile before they tell LBS but wait to say anything because they are affraid that things will go back to being so awful, like when they left?

Ok, that's it for now. I'm sure I will come up with plenty more. Thanks again for helping us out.

[christarn]

BH~ No prob, ask away!! Glad to share all that I can.

"Was it a slow process for you to want to R or did it just hit you one day?"

It was a slow process for me. After leaving, we tried MC, then OW was in picture...I got flustered, as we were supposably working on our M, so I filed for D. He continued to call for about 1-2 months give or take. After that, I slowly started to think...Wow, what in the hell have I done. I really just started to miss him. It was simple things that really started to hit me...fixing our favorite meals and eating it alone; not having him there when I needed someone to talk to; not hearing his voice when I came home...it slowly got to me. 19 mos later, I still can not imagine living my daily life without him being there. Even though were are separated, there is not a day that passes that I am not hopeful our R/M will be restored and be even better. How I explained to him that I wanted to try to work on things is rather crazy. We started texting...at first he was really angry towards me...then slowly he started to warm up. One day he said we should talk, so I held him to it. I said that sounds great, so we met at a bar...he wanted to talk about me buying a house...and I told him how I felt...I will never forget the look on his face. He did not know whether to slap me or cry...i will never ever forget the expression on his face when i uttered the words, i think we can work this out...

"DO you think that the WAS wants to R awhile before they tell LBS but wait to say anything because they are afraid that things will go back to being so awful, like when they left?"

I waited, first off, just because we had a hard time finding a day that we could meet. Second, I was terrified of his response, was he going to say hell no, was he going to agree and say yes. I honestly believed he would be all go, and say yes...but here I am, 19 mos. later, still trying to show him that we can work this out, that I am not who I was then, and never want to be that person again. I have strived so hard to make positive changes within myself, and I would just like to be afforded the chance to show him the changes. We did put our D on hold, and talk on and off. I just don't think he honestly knows what it is that he wants. I truly understand the hurt I put him through, but we are the only ones that can help eachother...nobody else can help him make the hurt I caused go away...except me.

hope this helps
(((brokenhearted)))
christarn

[HOPEFULinCALI]

Q: Was it a slow process for you to want to R or did it just hit you one day?

It hit me one day. See my answer to the next question.

Q: If fast, did you just wake up and say I want R back and then profess to LBS your feelings?

My H picked a ridiculous fight just so he could tell me he was done. At that moment I snapped out of it and started begging, pleading, crying.

Q: DO you think that the WAS spouce wants to R awhile before they tell LBS but wait to say anything because they are afraid that things will go back to being so awful, like when they left?

There were many occasions when I thought that I should go back but when I would come home or spend time with him nothing had changed. It would remind me of the frustration I experienced, the rejection I felt, and the nights I cried myself to sleep because I felt unwanted and unloved. Who would want to go back to that? So yes, I wanted my relationship back but I was afraid things would never change.

[nothavingfun]

Hopeful,

Have you dated anyone else since?

[HOPEFULinCALI]

I haven't. I do not feel comfortable dating until my divorce is final.

[christarn]

If you guys don't mind, I would like to reverse this for just a moment! I would like to ask the LBS a few questions, if you don't mind answering. Then we can get back to subject at hand!

My H wavers back and forth, sometimes he talks to me, sometimes he doesn't...any suggestions as to what I can do to help this sitch?

Anything I could do better to ease his anger? Last time we actually had a phone conversation, he said he would never be able to forgive me for what I did, and just still had that "angry" voice...any advice/suggestions?

I've been texting just random, generic stuff...he responded at first, and now has stopped; feedback here would be great

any suggestions, ideas, comments...I would love! I've been at this for 19 months now...so am up for any ideas!

thanks so much
(((hugs 2 all of you)))
christa

[No Longer BH]

Chris, if my H was to come home, at first I would be very happy, but then the resentment and anger that I have been keeping on the back burner would come flooding out.

I would hope that my H would do some of the following:

Have an open and honest conversation where he would answer any and every question I had with COMPLETE honest. He would also have to be COMPLETELY transparent in his life until I felt safe again. This means all passwords to email accounts, can check cell phone whenever I wanted, key logger installed on his computer and he would tell me where he was and what he was doing for all of his day. Not saying it would be easy to live like like, but after a the trust established there would no longer need to be these checks and balances.

I would also hope that we could have a discussion where he took complete responsibily for his actions and tried to see from my side the pain he caused..if you want a good place to see it go to survivinginfidelity.com. THere is sooooo much hurt on the BB that I could not stay there for long. Might give you insight on what to say to show understand with H.

Finally, I would want him to be professing his undying love for me and trying to "win" me back. He would have to work really hard because of the vile way he tried to destroy our M.

Hope I have not been too harsh....I really would not be that harsh with H either, but he would not know that. I now have a much better understanding as to why people have A. I know his had nothing to do with me.....she is not attractive AT ALL and is a size 18/20 while I am 5'8", size 4/6 with a very curvy figure. Glad I finally saw her because it really drove the point home that its about building his ego, not me.

Good Luck.

[christarn]

Thanks BH! I have tried a lot of the above...last summer we were dating frequently; then after christmas...he just cut me off...i'm not sure why.

i would be so willing to do any of the above...great suggestions, but as of now...he won't even answer a text msg! got to figure something out

thanks for the feedback...you are not harsh! it's what one would have to do to feel safe!

thanks
(((BH))))
christa

[nothavingfun]

Crista,

You are in a tough spot.

He has some anger I am sure. For one of the rare times in my sitch, I have found myself very angry this weekend too. I have been asking myself what would I say if I got a call from her next week? the answer seemed to be,-throw it back in her face.

Anything I could do better to ease his anger? Last time we actually had a phone conversation, he said he would never be able to forgive me for what I did, and just still had that "angry" voice...any advice/suggestions?[/

How long have you gone without contact?

In my opinion, don't smother him. Ask him to have a sit down with you and you will answer any questions he has. (I think BH stated the same) After, I would give him time.

I know this as a guy. Nothing draws our attention more than when we feel the other is LEAVING US BEHIND. You know a little of how that feels and what he went threw. Maybe it is time to remind him by LRTing a bit.

(I am hoping lrting works for me but this weekend was a heart wrenching killer for me)

Good Luck

[christarn]

Thanks NHF!! He hasn't text msg back in over a week....i have sent 5 since. The one thing i am trying to do is be consistant. When I did try LRT, he said i was ignoring him, and after 4 weeks he did text...but he started a fight. I'm extremely sensitive as to why he is angry, i know what i did, and how selfish it was...and would never do it again. i just would like him to see the changes i have made and then decide whether or not we should get a D...we really never even tried.

thanks for your suggestions!! It means a lot to me

hugs
Christa