Ok, I just got back from the doc's. It was a short visit...so you know that means good news. The biospy results came back negative so the cancer has not spread. Plus, the original site has shrunk considerale so I am reacting very well to the treatment. He thinks that I should be done with treatment in Nov/Dec. Then every six months I will go in for a scan to make sure it does not reappear. I should be jumping for joy, but I am just numb. Dont know why. I emailed STBXH as well and he called me to say he was so happy to hear that. I thanked him told him I appreciate it. He said he was sorry for pestering me these last couple of days (all of the calling and emailing that I have not responded to) but he has been worried because I have been so sick. He wants me to know that he is there for me if I need him....I'm not even going to comment on that. I just said thanks, I'm doing good, have just been busy and now I am getting ready to leave again so bye.
Feeling sad today. Maybe because part of me feels like I should have my partner here to feel the relief with, but I dont so it makes me feel even lonelier. Make sense? I am going to just try and acknoledge the pain and then try and let it go. I dont want to carry it around with me. Need to listen to some happy music and find something to laugh at.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Glad for the good news, BH!!! Sorry you don't have an H to share that with; but things are only going to get better! I really believe all the people here in time will be much, much happier. ((((BH)))) I like to listen to music too to cheer me up, but I listen to AOL radio online and my fav station is the "Love Stinks" channel-songs of heartbreak and disgust--I like to listen to the songs of disgust variety, and it cheers me up for some twisted reason! Prob. wouldn't recommend that for everyone though or listen for too long!!! Karen
He wants me to know that he is there for me if I need him....I'm not even going to comment on that. I just said thanks, I'm doing good, have just been busy and now I am getting ready to leave again so bye.
Feeling sad today. Maybe because part of me feels like I should have my partner here to feel the relief with, but I dont so it makes me feel even lonelier. Make sense? I am going to just try and acknoledge the pain and then try and let it go. I dont want to carry it around with me. Need to listen to some happy music and find something to laugh at.
I found detachment to be an emotional state that takes time to make peace with. Often, our minds can come to a conclusion, and our hearts then take several cycles (days, weeks, months or years depending on the emotional investment) to catch up. I think this is one of the reasons WAS pull back after getting close to us - a bit of their head knowing it is the right thing, but their hearts needing a bit more time to catch up.
No question that you are more at peace with your life, but it is also natural that there will be sadness, especially around significant dates, and significant events, like confirmation that you will be disease free. I like your approach of acknowledging the sadness, and letting it move on by.
So, STBXH walks in and I walk out. I get home and say hi and continue to walk to the other room. He walks over and wants to tell me something...something small that I dont even remember. I am poltie and short. He then says "Are you mad at me? You are like a rollercoaster with your moods."
I say "No, just trying to let you go and get you out of my life. I am just trying to detach from you so I can move on. When you act like my friend you keep me attached and that hurts. You are not my friend."
He said, "I have not been acting like your friend...." Um, yes you have. Anyway I just ended it by saying that I was letting go and moving on. The last thing he said was "Interesting theory. Well, bye then." and then walked out the door on his own. This is the email I sent to him. Part of me did not want to send it because it means closing the door, but that part of me is the broken co-dependant part. I have to close the door for me. I have to move on for me. I have to get used to the idea that I am going to be a divorce single woman and it is ok because it is not my fault. He did it to me, and he will do it to others.
So, what do you think about what I sent to him?
MY EMAIL:
No, I am not mad and harbor no anger towards you anymore....I am working on changing my focus from a life with you to a life without you. Sitting ALONE in the Dr's office wondering if I was to recieve a death sentence or not woke me up to the reality of so many things. First, I still care about you. This is not healthy for me. You chose to move on and I am trying to move on as well. I can not do that with you constantly in my life. So, I am letting you go, changing my focus and working at cultivating other relationships. I can not have you any where near me anymore. You have made a new life and so have I. There is no longer anything for us to talk about except our son. I am not trying to be mean or punish you. This really has nothing to do with you. I am trying to establish appropriate boundaries so that I can live in the most peacful way. If I thought that there was even the slightest chance that we might work things out then I would hold on, but you have made it very clear that this is not the path you ever want to try again. Therefore I am letting go. Me letting go means that I have to get to a point where I am indifferent towards you. I am not there yet, almost, but not quite. Until I am indeffernt I do not want you in my life anymore. Again, STBXH, this has NOTHING to do with hurt or anger, just me trying to find peace in my life. This is about me being able to give to those who want me instead of focusing on those who dont. You dont need to reply to this email because I believe I already know what you would say. There is nothing left to say. You have your path, I have mine. Like I have always said, I do wish you happiness. Maybe one day we can be friends, but I am not detached enough from "us" yet for it to happen right now.
Good luck with everything you do in your future.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Oh HB! That is fantastic news. Now, hurry up end of December, so you can be completely done!!!!!
About the email. I think it was good for you to explain yourself to H, and good for him to have time to process and read. My H has no clue what I am going through, and absolutely NO interest in learning. So I don't talk with him. He rolls his eyes if I say something like you did about moving on.
Your H definately seems more receptive, so I hope he hears your needs.
BH This is such great news!! Please be happy we are!
Your email, I agree w/ lwb,its good to get it out , its cleansing, your H does seem much more willing to listen/read and take in what you are saying. Not all our ex are, thats for sure.
Whatever makes YOU feel good , I say do it!
and again, so happy for you!
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
Karen