Sara and Yoyo, thank you both for being there and your encouraging words. It has been so helpful. My S is doing much better today, Sunday nights tend to be the worst.
Gypsy, I LOVE your suggestions on the name change. Someone else had suggested that to me not to long ago I think I will do it. Not today, but give me until after my doc appointment. I might be a bumbling mess for a few days after that. We will see.
ImLin, You are such a positive influence here on this board. You are a shining light when all seems dark and lost. Please, never give up your positive outlook. So many people here need hope just to get through the pain and get to a stronger place. Thank you for being you.
Last night I did some soul searching after STBX left. I have been floppy between anger and dispair for the last week. Last night I had had enough of it. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. So, I made the decision not to be. Yep, that's right, decided I am not going to be angry or sad anymore. What does it get me? Nothing but pain. I dont want that, I want to live. So, here is what I did.
First, I played a really happy song. Something I KNEW would make me bob my head and put a smile in my heart. It took awhile, trust me, but I finally got to that happier place. Then, I went and got a piece of paper. On it I wrote down in great detail everything that I am thankful for. Trust me, once I got on a roll I just kept adding and adding more. Even added things that I wished I had more of, because I am still grateful for what I do have. My god, my life could be so much worse than it is. Yeah, we are all going through a dark time, but it is only so that we can appreciate the light we do have in our lives. This transition is about US, not our WAS. I have let go of STBXH, I had to. I have put out to the universe what I want in my life so have to trust that one day it will come. Now it is my time to work on me so that I am in a healthy place to accept it when it comes. Even if STBXH walked in the door tomorrow declaring his love, I honestly would not be in a place to accept it, I am still not quite strong enough. These last couple of weeks have shown me that. This is MY journey and I refuse to look at his anymore. I know in my heart that this is where I am suppose to be in my life and I will not let this opportunity be wasted.
I took a long hard look at my life. I have a beautiful child who adores me and who is physically healthy. He has friends, is involved in our community and still can have a smile on his faces. I have many friends who care deeply for me. My best friend has been a pillar of support for me and will continue to do so. I am learning to care very deeply for myself as well as feel lucky with my life. I have a roof over my head, food on my table, a car to drive and clothes on my back. Do you know how many people in this world do NOT have a quarter of that? I am richer than 90% of the world, and I am not talking financially. How can I not feel blessed?
Our WAS left us. Ok, yeah it hurts, but there is nothing we can do to change that sitch. We can only work on our own lives and make the best of it. I personally no longer want to feel sad and horrible. I deserve happiness so have decided to give it to myself. Its funny, after I made my gratitude list, I actually started to cry because I could not believe how lucky I am. Yes, there are obsticles in my path but that should not keep me from walking it. When we learn to let go of the negative emotions, it does not let our WAS off the hook, it lets US off the hook. We no longer have to carry around all that ugliness inside us. They are going to feel the way they are going to feel, regaurdless of if we are angry/sad/happy/content. This journey is about me, and only me.
I also want you all to know that I could not have come this far if it wasnt for you picking me back up time and time again. It has been the process of knowing that I CAN get through each fall that has taught me how to have strength. I truly love you all and feel blessed for the love you have given to me, a complete stranger who is hurting at times. What does that say about the state of the world? I think a whole lot....that it is a pretty wonderful place!
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
I have told this story before but in light of what you are talking about it bears repeating...
I was training to be a bus driver when H left me...it through me for a loop...in class one day they were saying how they needed special needs bus drivers the most...I sat there and thought to myself "there is no way, I can't do that, it would make me sad, I couldn't handle it, etc."
Well, things did get worse before they got better...I was taking my behind the wheel bus driving test (which is given by the CHP) and was nervous...knowing I needed this job desperately...well it was a rainy day...I had never driven a bus in the rain...and the worst thing that could possibly happen did...during the test he took me down a strange road...then he had me stop and back up around a corner...a 45 foot bus is not easy back up and turn object...well I couldn't see very well out of my mirrors due to the rain...everyone told me once we started the test that I could not get out of my seat...I didn't look real good when we came in to see what was down the street he had me backing into but everything was one color and I thought I knew where I was in the road...then BAM!!!...I didn't know what I had hit...but I hit something...automatic failure...I drove back to the bus yard...and then broke down in tears...I had wrecked the bus by backing into a block pillar that was the same color as the ground!...The bus was my boss's bus to boot...how embarassing...then the CHP officer told me he had never had anyone get in a wreck during testing...GREAT! Well I was sunk...just knew I was not getting the job...that was confirmed a few days later...but there was still the option of being a bus aid...but that meant special needs for sure...I sucked it up and a few weeks later called and asked if I could at least have that job...the boss said yes...at least I had a job...I could always keep looking but I now I could take care of my kids and myself... I soon began to look at special kids differently...realizing how blessed I was but noticing that their parents came out day after a day with a smile on their face...happy for the day...their children would also be happy...sometimes it wasn't obvious but after you got to know each child you could tell...it made me realize how blessed I was...how much I had in my life to be thankful for...if these families can be happy so can I Eventually I asked for another chance to be a bus driver...suprisingly I got it...and I passed my test...you know what I chose?...Yep, I chose special needs routes...I love it... I enjoy the kids...and get to know them...and always keep in mind that I am so fortunate to know these special people in way that many outside of the family never will...
Sometimes it takes tragedy to make us realize we have it good...when I returned to become a driver I proudly walked into my boss's office and announced "I am back for the crash course!...Just kidding" He got the biggest laugh and said that more people needed my sense of humor and that he admired me for sticking in there instead of running away and never coming back!
Just my humble story of how I learned to appreciate my life...no matter how bad things seemed...they were still better then a lot of others!
Lin, sorry to hijack, but what a wonderful wonderful story. My D4 wants to arrive at school early everyday so she can hold the door for the kids in wheelchairs, and everyday the aide thanks her. Its heartwarming.
Soooo glad you found such a wonderful niche, you aren't the lucky one, the kids you touch are the lucky ones.
Lin, as always you have shown your true beauty and determination with your story. Thank you for sharing such a caring piece of your soul with me. I agree with lwb, the children are the real winners for having you in their lives (and us LBS here as well).
lwb, thank you for sharing such a touching video. It was very sweet and brought tears to my eyes.
These last 2 days have been wonderful for me. First I had a dear friend come over yesterday and we spent the day laughing and truly just enjoying each other's company. Then I picked up my S from school and he had had a great day and was beaming all the way home. My next door neighbor's H was at a baseball game so we went over and had ourselves a little last minute party. The kids were running wild, we were drinking a glass of red red and then it hit me - I felt completely at peace and joy. I was smiling all night. She even made dinner for everyone. How wonderful is that!
This morning my son walked to school without a single anxiety attack. He actually laughed and smiled on our journey there. I was able to enjoy a nice walk through Forrest Park (a huge park in St. Louis) and even came across a turtle. It made me smile really big. Any time thoughts of my STBXH enter my head I stop them and replace them with positive thoughts about myself and my life. This seems to be helping. He called 3 times yesterday while I was at my neighbors but did not leave a message and once again today. I know I am not strong enough yet to talk to him so will not be calling him back. I did email him a follow up on how our S was doing but left it at that. He has emailed me 2x's now wanting to know how I am feeling. Again, I am not withholding this information to hurt him or out of spite. I am cutting off all contact when it concerns me and my health so that I dont start to try and lean on him for support. I have to be there for me and this is the best way I know how. When I get back from the doc's tomorrow I will email him the results of the last test but I will not discuss anything else with him. This is my journey and I need to do a better job of just focusing on my own path.
I am also trying to stop talking about my STBXH. I feel that it keeps me stuck when I keep rehashing my hurt over and over. It is what it is and I can not change him in anyway. I can just change my focus. It has been really hard to not talk about him and I have backslid a couple of times, but I know in time that too will get easier. It is part of my detox program - no contact except about S, no talking about him and stopping thoughts about him when they come up. I will let you know how that works out for me. Hopefully my withdrawl isnt so bad. I feel I have been preparing for this moment all summer long, and now is the true test. I will fall and that is ok, because I will also get right back up. Thank you all for checking on me.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
We were just at the Balloon Glow at Forest Park on Friday night!
Quote:
I felt completely at peace and joy. I was smiling all night.
And that's exactly how I felt there, with friends, neighbors, and my sweet babies.
Miss Brokenhearted, I believe you and I share the same mindset at the moment. Finally detached, finally feeling better about ourselves, sometimes knocked down by reality, but pop back much easier these days, loving our husbands, but accepting reality for what it is. Sound familiar?
lwb, yes, I believe you and I have finaly reach acceptance with our sitch and are just trying to come to peace with it now. My D will not be until next year. H and I are suppose to be going to mediation but he canceled our meeting until he could find out if I was terminaly or not. Although I suspect other reasons as well....he has brought up the lack of funds issue a few times. We will be putting our house back on the market in the spring and then taking our docs from mediation and filing them with the judge after the house sells. So, I am thinking things will be final by May/June of next year. I am to a point, though, whereit is now just a piece of paper. There no longer is a M, he made sure to utterly tear that appart. Moving on.......
Thanks for your thoughts Ready. I will post the results tomorrow. Believe it or not I really dont like to talk about my health stuff too much. Makes me feel uncomfortable, but I really appreciate all of the support everyone here has given to me so feel the need to share. For some reason I am feeling very positive and fell like it is going to be good news. Might just be the power of positive thinking at work, we will see.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
...I really dont like to talk about my health stuff too much. Makes me feel uncomfortable, but I really appreciate all of the support everyone here has given to me so feel the need to share...
I can see why it would make you uncomfortable. Some things are hard to talk about. Share what you feel comfortable with. We are here to support you.
*Hugs and prayers*
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
