I have read through your thread...very interesting...very touching...it made me cry...I know how you are feeling as I dealt with some medical issues alone and was so confused how H could be so cold to someone he had professed to love for over 25 yrs...
This is what I see...you have not been at this for a very long time...relatively speaking...I know to you it seems like an eternity...I think you do need to detach...take care of you first...then son...and let H do what he is going to do...I do think where son is involved you should seek H's help when you need it...be good parents together...
As for hugs...I know that delema well...I wanted them so badly but knew H gave them only for me...not for himself...they actually made him cringe but he did it anyway...my IC and my sister told me that if I just kept hugging him eventually he would start to feel okay withit...and in time he seemed to relax...so if you YOU want it...and he is at least willing...then take the hugs...
I always say there is always hope as long as no one remarries...even if a divorce occurs...in one sense my H wanted the D because it represented the end to what he saw as an ugly marriage...he wanted a new one although he didn't come out tell me this till much later...
For you...I think you really need to put the focus on your health...positive thoughts for you...being happy (although I think I would be very very careful with the alcohol as it can have some pretty negative effects both mentally and physically) maybe stick to red wine coolers...or take your time sipping a nice glass of red...it has the health benefits and in moderation is good for you...I know it feels good to get the buzz but your health and emotional state really need your focus...
I don't see that all is lost...but I am not going to give you false hope...I think as long as you stay safely detached...and uninvolved with anyone else you are in the best position for both your self and H...I know it feels good to flirt...but when you mix that with alcohol you really really need to be careful...you have a lot of healing whether H returns or not...you don't need to add another pain to yourself...
So keep doing what works for you...what makes you feel good...and find your own happiness with yourself...this might be the very key to H loving you again...I know for me it was...I never thought I would be on my own as long as I was...I almost took the bait with someone else when I became emotionally involved with them...I realized, thank God, that I was not truly over H and backed off...but it still hurt him and me...it wasn't too long after that that H started his return...it was the hardest time...the roller coaster got really wild then...and that is why I tell everyone while they are their own to work on themself...become who they want and who they are happy with...be settled with your life...because if the spouse comes home you will need even more of the patience, guts, mental stamina, and all the other lessons learned then ever before...
As for your little white lie...it is done...I would not recommend that one again although you got to see that there was something there...when my male friend called me late at night when H was there, H could have cared less...he didn't even indicate it would take him time to get used to me being with someone else...he really gave me the indication he did not care at all...so I see more for you then I had for myself...
Just remember...you first...son second...from there you do what you can...stop and smell the flowers, watch the ants on the sidewalk, feel the sunshine, listen to the wind and the birds singing...look up at the moon and the stars...this will feed your soul...and when that is good everything else will fall into place...
You are doing good...take care of you...and please let me know how things are going...I too have a tumor on my ovary but have not gone to see Dr. about it yet...it showed up during an MRI to check my spine after a vehicle accident...more to deal with but things are good so this won't get me down...my life is full of hope, love, and happiness...and that is the best medicine...
when my male friend called me late at night when H was there, H could have cared less...he didn't even indicate it would take him time to get used to me being with someone else...he really gave me the indication he did not care at all...so I see more for you then I had for myself...
My H would be thrilled if I started dating.
Gross. So not ready.
brokenhearted, neither are you, my friend.
Sigh. The unreturned, limp-noodle-arm hugs. Those were worse than no hugs at all. If he is returning them, and you want them, then do it.
Why is the karma bus smacking me so hard? So, my S9 had another horrible breakdown with me....dont want to live, life is too hard, I'm so sad ect,ect. I know this sounds terrible, but I was just too tired to deal with it anymore. I kept trying to help him for almost 2 hours and then finally gave up and called STBXH. He talked with S for about a good 20 min then wanted to talk to me. As we are talking a female coughs in the background. I immediately ask who was that? He said it was the wife of the guy he is living with. Of course that is bs, it was OW. Personally I think she did it so that I would know she was right there. ARRGG!! Anyway, I just let it go and kept telling him how S progressed into the meltdown. After I went back into S's room, he refused to go to sleep for me. Was being completely combative. Again, I gave up, just too tired. I called STBXH back and said "No judgement, just want to know, are you really at your house?" He said no. I said, "Good, then you are close by. Do you think you can come over and put S to bed because he wont do it for me?" He said he would be right there.
When he got here, I acted like it did not bother me that he was with OW. He saw how sick I was feeling and apologised for lying (gee, its only because he got caught that he feels bad). Said that he is going by my old model of anger and is afraid that mentioning her will just make me angry (wonder why it would do that!!!!). In the most compassionate, sincere voice I could manage (and it was very believable) I said, "STBXH, you chose your path and have to walk it. I now have mine. It is what it is. I have moved on from that." He told me that he wanted me to know that S would ALWAYS come first in his life and he would drop anything and everything for him (yeah, um right, then why arent you doing what is best for him and trying to work on the marriage. Dont you mean YOU come first and then S???) Then he said that he cared deeply for me and would always come over to help with me as well. I said that I would not ask much of him because I was not going to come between him and his relationships. Get this, he said that who ever he is with is just going to have to understand that he cares for me and that I am the mother of his son and there are going to be times he needs to do stuff for me. If they are not secure enough with him and his honesty (which we all know he has a steller record) then he is going to have to question that relationship.
Ok, so here is the really mean part of me creeping out. I know that I am ASSuming everything here, but it makes me feel better to do so. First I think it is very funny that she feels so insecure that she has to make it known to me that he is over there. Then, imagine how she must have felt to hear him lie about her. After all, I already know they are together so why lie? Then, she has to sit there and wait while he comes to MY house. Bet she's not such a happy camper at the moment. I really hope she starts to bad mouth me to him as well. That will go over quite well. Me, the sickly kind hearted left behind wife trying to raise the depressed left behind son, her the angry insecure B she is. Cant wait for that to blow up. And trust me, she is VERY insecure. Did I mention she started to hit on her best friends boyfriend before she got her claws into my H and now her best friend will no longer talk to her. Classy.
So, I've come to the conclusion STBXH really is just too screwed up anymore. Was pretty much on that page anyway but now I think I just need to go as dim as I can. I have to get him out of my life so that I can heal. When he comes and tries to be my friend it is only hurting me and making him feel good. How is that fair? I need to just focus on me and move on. I will not be mean or unkind, just not around. No more emails from me, no responces, no compliments no offers of a glass of wine. He walks in, I walk out. I walk in and say goodnight. End of story. I have got to let my heart heal. I was in a really strong place while living with my brother. I come back here and turn into a mess once again. Need to turn that back around.
I may not have that much time to wait for him to get his head out of his @ss. I did ask him if she knew I had cancer. He said yes. Again, what kind of woman would have an A with a man who left his wife of 20 years while she has cancer. The better question, though, is what kind of man would do that? Not someone I should be fighting for anymore. I am going dim for me, not to punish him. I am going dim so that I can finally detach because I have not been able to do that since I moved back.
I know I have come really far because when I found out he was with her, it did not hurt that much...just a quick stab of pain then a o'well, that's his choice. I think that is a good sign. I just want to keep progressing to a healing place. I no longer want the hurt.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
I feel bad for everyone involved, except your husband. I want to hit him. Your poor son. But I am not convinced that this isn't just Sunday night schoolphobia talking. No child should dread Monday that much.
Sara, I know that alot of his fear is the insecurity of what Monday morning will bring. He gets so afraid that he is going to fail or be embarrassed at school. These moods always seem to be worse after he has been around his father alot. It is almost like he feels abandond all over again. Sad thing is that my STBXH does not see that it is his actions that have caused so much of the stress that S is facing. Up until this year S loved school and was a stellar student. His dad became angry and depressed, spent all of our money and then gets a GF. See, it is all worth it as long as H gets to be happy, right! The angry part of me wants to yell at him "You could have been happy here, dumb@ss, but you chose to walk away instead of work on ANYTHING!" For over 18 years we were blissful together, then BAM! I get the ILYNILWY. Was blown away. He even admits things were great between us then he just fell out of love all of a sudden. Messed up is what he is and does deserve a good beating.
He even told me at one point that he wished he was the one with cancer so that he could have something shake him up and make him appreciate life like I have learned to do. HOW SICK IS THAT??? Jelous of my sickness and even uses it to gain sympathy from his friends and family. How is that right...he is not even here to help with anything. I just have to let go and focus on me and I am learning the ONLY way I can do it is to go as NC as possible.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
(((((Brokenhearted))))))) I'm so sorry for everything you are going through. Sadly, you are right that the WAS never realizes the impact their "happiness" has on their family. As long as they find that "happiness" that they so deserve, everything will be okay.
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Your son is young and bright. If the school will not accomodate you, I would consider homeschooling him this year. He would do better spending his time with you.
How about an updated name! I can see why that name was appealing when you first came here.. but I don't see a flub-dub-blubbing-burbling-gurgling ragged torn up heart. I have a few suggestions.. mind you they're just zipping outta my head:
Size 4 (IV if you want to keep the guys confused) and more Heart
Little Body, BIG Heart
Big Heart (keeps your initials and maintains your options)
Karma is my Pal
No Harming Karma
Healthy Living
Beautiful Heart (my fav so far)
Busty and Hellacious (gotta keep the men reading... I swear, they know when a post contains the word 'boobs'!)
Blessed Heart..
Do you think a more positive name would make you feel better? Or at least the thought of it?
ImLin, thank you so much for your encouraging words. I really appreciated them. I dont remember, did your H have an OW during his MLC? What do you think was the turning point for him that made him want to come back?
Yes, he did have OW...although they never lived together...she was in another state and had 4 kids so she couldn't move...he visited her when he could but after about a year or so I think she got tired of waiting and found someone else...
I really worked on myself...for me, not him...he made the decision to move back to our town so he could be closer to our son...this created opportunities for us to go out and talk...I made sure I maintained my changes...became a good listener and a fun date...he was very stand offish...several months after he was back in town I asked him if he ever thought about "us" and he said he did...that he realized I had made changes and realized that he really needed to be with his family...but he still felt so broken...once when he was very drunk...actually the night he came home with me and pretty much began the process of coming home...he broke down and cried like I had never seen...he said he had always loved me (he didn't remember any of this the next morning)and he could never forgive himself for what he had done...and he could never expect me to forgive him...he went into a lot of painful things that night and I finally saw the root of his crisis...I encouraged him to come home...no pressure...no expectations...I also encouraged him to get help for his depression...he fought that for a time until I called 911 when he got drunk, really drunk (twice I did this)...the doctors and nurses talked to him and helped him see that he was not doing himself any good...he would always tell me he loved me if he was drunk...but never sober...in my heart I knew that drunk man still had love for me but it was buried under the severe depression...treatment for his depression was the turning point!
