BH, you sound very strong and great PMA! I'm so happy for you. I think that's right about the hugging-whatever you want to do that will make you feel good. If it bugs you don't; if you want to, do. I wouldn't worry about your H or any of that. Let go and drop that rope. It doesn't mean you can't pick it up later if you want, but it feels kind of good to drop the rope. ((((BH)))) Karen p.s. Haven't been dropping my pants lately although always keeping my options open. I am wearing a little bit tight/short clothes just for fun though!!! (Hey, it's hot in FL) You know anyone reading this right now prob. thinks something funny about me!!!
p.s. Haven't been dropping my pants lately although always keeping my options open. I am wearing a little bit tight/short clothes just for fun though!!! (Hey, it's hot in FL) You know anyone reading this right now prob. thinks something funny about me!!!
Karen,
We can claim to be poor Motherless women who just don't know any better.
Hi BH,
WOW, you did a great job with both making your husband feel needed and yet not crowding or pursuing him. Now take this from where it comes, but to me it sounds as if he likes feeling needed. Maybe you need to not take so much on yourself. When you need a hand I think you should call him and keep letting him know that he's aprreciated.
lwb - thank you for letting me know that you feel the same as me at times. It helps to see that I am not alone in this.
SC - I appreciate you stopping by. Sorry to see that you are still having such a hard time in your M. From what I have read, it does seem your H is very committed. You are doing great by working on YOU right now. Stay strong.
Karen - well, your H doesnt deserve to see you pantless anymore.;) Good for you for wearing tight pants. I have found that by changing my wardrobe I have been able to change my attitude. It has done wonders with having PMA days. Also helps when H makes comments on how great I look - yes I do and you dont get to have me right now (if I could stick my tongue out right here I would, hehe). I pop over to your party every so often. I can tell your X is still pulling shinangans with you, but you have always been a person of grace and are handling wonderfuly. Thanks for stopping by.
Ready - you know I always enjoy hugs. Especially when they come from someone who is such a loving father. I am going out to pick up the Hendrix book today and see what else I can learn.
KM - I feel so blessed in my life that so many strangers would stop what they are doing just to check in on me. This is such a loving community and I am honored that I have been able to be a part of it. Thank you for your support as well.
Beth - Thanks for your advice. I have been going back and forth on that one for awhile. I am very affraid to lean on him. I am affraid that if I do, then I am going to start to need him. If I need him then I cant let go. But what if me needing him helps fill his love bank? He keeps saying how strong I am, that he always knew that I could handle things because I am strong. Maybe it was my strength that helped drive him away. But yet, he left when I was at my most broken. When I was needy and desperate, all my strength was drained. This is just one I cant figure out on my own.
So, instead of trying to analyze it, I try to stay strong for me and ask him for help in areas where I know I will not become dependant on him. I hope this strikes a healthy balance, one where I still continue to detach but can let him in at times to help him feel appreciated. Maybe that is the key: when I was so strong he was not being admired by me. When I became so broken, he still was not admired by me. Strong, I did not need him. Weak, and I only complained about what he was not doing. Hmm....things to think about for my future R with whomever I end up with.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
I have to admit that my STBXH can make it very hard for me to detach. Last night was VERY difficult to not read anything into, especially the big hug. It is what it is, I know, but my heart strings still get pulled. Even today he sent me two emails wanting to check up on me. The first one I responded back, but I am not going to respond back to the second. I will be seeing him again tonight because it is his night with our S. I am feeling pretty good though so think I will take myself out on a date. I think I will go to diner and a movie. I'll try not to be too easy in the end, just so that I can respect myself in the morning.
But here is where the not being detached enough comes in. H has already said that I can stay around the house if I want to. Do I take him up on that so that there is more time spent together and it might help him connect or do I go out, continue with my GAL and let him wonder who I am with and what I am doing. See...I need to just not care what he thinks and just do things for me. Just wanted to let it out before he came over. I feel better now.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Beth - Thanks for your advice. I have been going back and forth on that one for awhile. I am very affraid to lean on him. I am affraid that if I do, then I am going to start to need him. If I need him then I cant let go. But what if me needing him helps fill his love bank? He keeps saying how strong I am, that he always knew that I could handle things because I am strong. Maybe it was my strength that helped drive him away. But yet, he left when I was at my most broken. When I was needy and desperate, all my strength was drained. This is just one I cant figure out on my own.
Sweetie,
It almost sounds as if that he's giving you a clue to his love language. Sometimes we are so strong and self sufficient that they don't feel needed, and believe me there are lots of guys that have to feel needed to feel worth it!
Look, only you know how it was said and his inflection as he said it. Think about it. Do you think he only said that because he was making small talk or was he trying to really tell you how important this was to him? Think about it and then decide. I don't think it ever hurts to let someone do something for you that makes them feel good about themselves.
So, tonight was STBXH night with son. I took myself out on a date and had a really good time. Saw the movie "Burn after reading". Hmm....I was not prepared for all of the infidelity in it so had a bit of a hard time watching it, but it was dark and twisted - 2 things I generally like in movies. When I got home S was still up and my STBXH's brother was here as well.
My BIL and I talked for a few minutes while STBXH was putting son to bed. He told me that he really missed me and that I will always be part of the family. He was very open with me and very kind. I could tell that the fact my STBXH wanted to leave me was tearing him up - he wants to be loyal to his brother but still loves me as well. I told him if it was too ackward then I understood, but wanted him to know that I would always love him like my family.
When STBXH came down from S room we all sat around joking and talking for about an hour then I finally told them I had to get to bed. They both gave me a big hug and left. I got up to walk away from the kitchen table when I was struck by a big pain. STBXH had forgot something and walked in with me on the floor. He rushed over and wanted to take care of me. He told me that he really cared about me and truly wanted to be there for me. He stayed to talked for a little longer. He started to open up about his IC appointment today and asked if he could go to my next DR appointment. I told him he could. He hugged me again and then left.
I tell you, sometimes I just want to smack some sense back into him. I feels like he still loves me but is too broken to admit it. At one point he was talking about how great I look to his brother and then it segwayed into how he was kinda smelly because he had not showered in 3 days. Said he had no one to clean up for (WTF??? BIL knows about OW). Thought that was really strange. I just have to keep my distance and know that he is just trying to be my friend and nothing else. Sometimes that is harder than others, but I think that I am ok. I'm not reading ANYTHING into his actions today. Still staying as strong as possible.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
I'm glad he came back in and was supportive of you, but I don't want you to overlook that pain. It knocked you off your feet? Should you really be living alone with your son? I hope that next Dr's appointment is tomorrow. What is going on? Does this happen often?
Sara, along with my cancer I have an overian tumor that also cause sever abdominal pain. We are treating it as well to see if it will shrink (so far so good) but at times eating causes me to suffer accessive amounts of pain - hence the new size 4. I ate a little more than I normally do on my date with me and payed the price. I generally know what I can take and cant take, but let the yummy food do the talking tonight. Most of the time I am perfectly capable of taking care of my S. Heck, he does not even know what is going on. I dont want to burden him further, as you know he already had enough on his plate. I go back to the Dr some time next week. They should be calling soon to schedule my meeting to go over the results. Thanks for checking in with me, I really appreciate it. Overall, I truly am doing good. Its funny, dealing with my STBXH and the emotions that it provokes is SOOOOO much harder than dealing with the cancer. Am I sick or what!
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
You know anyone reading this right now prob. thinks something funny about me!!!