Another one bites the dust

[No Longer BH]

Lissie, I know it seems new but my STBXH first started this rollercoaster ride about 2.5 years ago. Started to question the relationship back then and we then went to MC (which he did not participate in at all). He started his A with OW in Nov of 2007 and moved out for a couple of weeks at christmas. There was a false R and now all of this. Add to it my illness and emtions tend to move forward at a faster pace. I truly was done and ready to move on, that is until I found out that the cancer may have spread. Again, I truly believe that most of the emotions I am feeling are out of fear that I will die alone. I know in my heart that I wont because I truly have wonderful friends and family, still you dont think you are going to face something like this without your partner, your best friend, your soul mate. I obviously still have alot of learning to do in my time and the universe is making sure it smacks me hard so that I can wake up and learn it.

Thank you for your encouraging words as well. I see that it is ok to have just a sliver (and I mean the smallest of slivers) of hope yet I need to turn away from that right now and focus solely on me and my son. Nothing I do will control my STBXH, so stop worrying if my actions are going to pull him or push him. Worry about me.

[Lissie]

Aww Sugar, well it is settled

You stay here with the lushes.

I mean they give good advice when they are sober, and not spinning on poles, and doing porn name games (I am not even gonna touch that one)

So in honor of your wonderful self worth, and being a great mom.

Drinks are in order (oh Btw, I am not one of the "lushes" I hate to keep pointing that out around here, but ,I have not met you before and you know. Rumors.

Anywhoo.

I will have a Hemingway Please.

Yu are going to be ok, these dips on the roller coaster make you face your fears a little more each day.

[fig]

hey can i get that hemingway recipe again please

and

i got my serendipity cookbook today

frozen hot chocolate for sure!!!!

its the small things

[No Longer BH]

Well, Lissie, I feel that I am in wonderful company and have been know to be a lush myself from time to time.

Yes, these dips suck but they are part of this terrific ride that we just cant seem to get off when we want to. I know that one day it will end and I will be better for having gone through it.

Everyone’s wonderful advise has helped me to get my head on a little straighter. Not quite where I want it to be, but getting closer.

Just want an opinion here. STBXH started hugging me a few weeks ago. When I found out he was still sleeping with OW I put a stop to it for a couple of reasons. First, and this is not a nice thing to admit but it is the truth, I wanted to punish him some and not let him have that connection to me. I felt that if he got to feel good by giving me hugs then he would not feel bad for his actions with OW. Second, I stopped them because at that time I so wanted them to mean something more. I knew that they were keeping me sucked in.

Every time my STBXH is around I can tell he wants to hug me. He keeps coming in like he is getting ready to then stops. There are 2 different theories here on the board about WAS. The first, keep any connection you can with them (without losing yourself or focusing too much on it) so that you can keep trying to build that connection. This is what my DB coach said to me as well.

The other theory is the cake eating theory. As long as you give them that connection they are getting some needs met by Ow and others needs by the LBS. Nothing will change and the rollercoaster ride will continue. I keep flipping between these 2 thoughts. When I stay connected, he makes moves to do more things for me and is around more. When I stop the cake eating he pulls away and we almost go to NC. Things get cold. My question to you all is:

If I can get to a place where I dont read anything into hugs, should I give them to him?

I just want to apologize here. I KNOW I am sounding like a newbie. God, I have been doing this stuff for too long and should know better. If I was responding to a newbie, I know exactly what my answer would be....be loving towards him, just do not love him. Give him only what you can while still being able to detach. Drop the rope, move on with your life. As long as there is OW, the is no chance to R. This is the time to focus only on you, stop looking at him.....see, I know the answers yet I search anyway. Just part of my stubborn nature I guess. It is always easier to see someone else's sitch instead of our own.

[Ready2Change]

...I know exactly what my answer would be....be loving towards him, just do not love him. Give him only what you can while still being able to detach. Drop the rope, move on with your life. As long as there is OW, the is no chance to R. This is the time to focus only on you, stop looking at him.....see, I know the answers yet I search anyway. Just part of my stubborn nature I guess. It is always easier to see someone else's sitch instead of our own...

Good morning (or afternoon)....

YOU KNOW the answer. Do more of what works. Stop doing what doesn't work.

Just remember you are here. Enjoy what you have in your life right now. FOCUS on today. If your H initiates a hug, you have the choice to accept it and enjoy it if that is what YOU want.

*HUGS and prayers and a great big smile!*

[Ready2Change]

Thank you Ready, I just needed to not feel so alone.

Glad to help. We need to get to a point where being alone is OK....

*HUGS*

[Reincarnated]

fig, I am printing your post for me, too - it is what I need to hear when I get to those low points (and I do so hope that they get farther apart and in between!)

((((BH)))) I have SO been there, and although we married the same year, the rest of my time line is a full year ahead of yours. Do not be too hard on yourself; you are dealing with oh-so-much.

I will try to write more later....

[No Longer BH]

I need to thank all of you for helping me through my really down period. I was having trouble coping with the weight of everything and had a temporary insanity moment. You all helped me get through it and I am doing really good now.

I decided that I cant be super mom all of the time, especially when I am having a really sick day. I knew that I was not capable of being the parent that I wanted to be so made the decision to ask STBXH to come over and take care of S. He jumped at the chance and even thanked me for asking. When he got here he wanted to take care of me but I told him I was ok. He talked with me then took S out to eat and to fencing lessons. After they got back he put S to bed then came and talked with me some more. Because of all of the advise and strength you all gave me I was able to just take his help at face value.

Its funny when I dont push the conversation how quickly he starts to open up to me about how is life just is still very empty right now. The only thing that seems to be going ok for him is his job, but he could get fired from that as well. Said he just wishes he could get his life more in order and he still has so much growing to do. Told me he still was not happy. Guess that goes to show you that we imagine them off partying and having a grand old time when in reality their life is prob empty and shallow. Of course he could just be saying that to spare me my feelings so that I dont know that he is having a grand old time, but I chose not to have negative thoughts.

Anyway, I opened up to him about some of the fears I have been having, but did not look to him to support me or be there for me. He kept saying that he wanted to be there for me whenever he could. He kept thanking me over and over again for giving him this opportunity to help out. I was open, kind and compassionate but not looking to him to be my partner. Do you know how hard that is to do, especially when he was acting like he did when he was my partner? Still, I have to think of this as him using this opportunity to build his own ego and it has nothing really to do with wanting to be with me. As confusing as this is, I am still just trying to let him go. I hate it, I really do but my heart is too fragile to be broken again.

He said that he wanted to give me a hug and made it a deep long one. Thank god I got to a stronger place because I would have been thinking all of this meant something. I can not allow myself to fall down that path right now. Instead I just took it as very nice that he could help out when I needed it. So, I was able to pick myself up and just appreciate the moment. Started off an emotional wreck and with all of your help ended on a PMA.

[LL44]

I opened up to him about some of the fears I have been having, but did not look to him to support me or be there for me. He kept saying that he wanted to be there for me whenever he could

Hear that from H.

Still, I have to think of this as him using this opportunity to build his own ego and it has nothing really to do with wanting to be with me.

Bottom line (and I think with my H too), they care. In whatever way they are able to. He doesn't want you suffering and wants to keep you close. Now, if its just to feed their ego a bit too, so be it. Its still easier to remain at peace with them if they help.

Instead I just took it as very nice that he could help out when I needed it. So, I was able to pick myself up and just appreciate the moment

This has been easier for me too lately.

Feel better and keep that PMA, young lady!

[smartcookie]

Hi, Ready sent me your way. Seems we have a few things in common. I had a cancer scare last November. I haven't read your whole sitch, but wanted to tell you that I think you handled today just great. Good PMA.

take care