Another one bites the dust

[Lissie]

Here is my delima and I know it is coming from a very weak place right now. Do I take him up on his offer to become his friend in hopes of winning his love back or to I just cut him off completely so that I can move on with my life and hopefully heal from the pain I am in? I am sorry that I am not being very strong right now, things have just been extremely tough lately. I think most of it is coming from fear of what next weeks results will be, but still I just wish I had someone to help hold me up at times.

First of all big HUGS.

I am so sorry you are huring. That pain, that is just unexplainable sometimes, is just horrible. I am sorry for that.

I will add you also to my prayers, I hope that by this time you have gotten at least some rest, and feel a bit better.

I think that you are in charge here sweetie. If you can be his "friend" with zero expectations as of now, then go for it.

If you are not ready to be his friend right now b/c you need to heal some more, then by all means heal some.

You will still be cordial with him and considerate of course. It just means that you do not have to engage in conversations with him like you mentioned above. Those are so draining, and you have have other things to focus on. Like YOU.

I know it is easier said than done, believe me I know.

I also know that with the help of your God, your friends, and positive people in your life, you can make the decision to let Go, and Let God.

One day at a time, shoot, I used to do half hour at a time.

The pain of being abandoned, lied to and cheated on, is a heavy heavy load. It takes time Sugar, and you have an added spin with the becoming ill during it. It hits like a truck.

Be kind to yourself, pamper youself. You are worthy and in the words of my buddy Jules, you matter.

Hope you have a wonderful day.

You are being prayed for.

[fig]

prayers headed your way

and

i thihnk lissie is right

if you can be friends with 0 expectations...that means you are ok with just being friends, youa re ok listening to his life story as just freinds, you are ok with nothing more

then

be his friend

if you are being his friend with the hopes of being something more later...then don't do it

there are too many stressees in life to try to add that one to it

ther are so many other things to focus on

and you don't want him back, truly, if he is back because he feels guilty

[Sara]

BH,

I'm so glad you said what you did to him. He isn't man enough to act on it. But you said your peace. You know you told him what marriage and life mean to you, and if he still turns his back on you, then he deserves however you choose to treat him. The only question to me is, "What is best for BH?" And for your son. In life there are some people who are givers and some who are takers. In a healthy relationship, when the giver needs help the taker changes roles for a little while. But it doesn't look like your husband either can or will do that. So you need to find your support elsewhere. Be as friendly with him as you choose to be, for you. But don't allow it to weaken you. This is your time to draw strength from other people. Reach out and find those you can count on.

[BethM]

Hi Brokenhearted,

Lissie was right on as usual with her advice. Only you know your heart, so giving someone a road map just doesn't work. What would be the best thing for you? You have so much going on right now with your health and I think that you need to consider that. If being his friend is going to give you the peace that's necessary then go for it. It's your call. Separation is hard enough, but your health has got to take priority!

Just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and that I have asked for you to be put on a prayer chain at church.

Love,
Bethie

[No Longer BH]

First, thank you one and all for such a wonderful show of support. You can not even know how much it means to me, so thank you!

Ready - Can you show Empathy for H? Do not fight with him anymore. Validate him. Be his best friend. You need to STRETCH and give him what HE needs the most right now. Do not expect him to give you what you need. No intentions and no expectations. TRUE GIVING is real love. TRUE GIVING does not expect anything in return.

Yes, I can show him empathy and kindness. I have continued to do this and do not plan on changing those actions. My problem is that I still have expectations. I still want him to come home. I reach out to him because I still do love him, and I dont expect anything in return- mostly. I think I keep doing it in the hopes that one day he will wake up and see that I am an incredible person and he cant believe he left me. That by being his friend I will get to add to his love bank and he will fall back in love with me. I recongize this and see that it is not healthy for me because I keep getting drawn in to him with just little actions from him. Even though I do not want to look for signs and am trying very hard not to, I still tend to look anyway.

sgctxok - Nurture your friendship with your STBX. Do your best to DB in that situation, but it's better not to be so alone and isolated.

Is it healthy for me to be doing this if I am doing it out of the hopes of getting my M back? It goes back to the conversation that I had with my brother. I keep looking at STBXH as in a MLC. I truly believe he is, but that keeps me thinking that he will make it through this crisis and want to come back to me. It keeps me attached and on a holding pattern. If being his friend does give me a chance to save my M, then I want to do it. I guess I am just scared at the moment. I am afraid that by staying attached (but not desperate or needy) that I will get my heart crushed once again. I can not take that. If I walk away and completely detach (which is what I was doing last week) I will lose him for sure because he tends to just let go of me at times like that. I get that I am doing this to myself. I just want to do what is right and am clouded by fear at the moment.

I'm glad you have some outside friendships. But don't play your hand when you're DBing EVEN IF he puts the pressure on.


Could you tell me further what you mean by this?

I am getting that everyone else here believes that I need to just let him go so that I no longer focus on that slim possibility of might be. I am wasting energy on it. Again, because of this fear right now, I truly feel that if I do that then it will definately be over. But, even if I "won" him back, would it be right for me? At what cost to myself would I have had to go through just to prove myself worthy? I think the answer is to work on letting him go in my heart, but still be friendly towards him. Do not tell him anything about my life yet listen when he wants to tell me about his. Do not read anything into his actions because unless he comes and tells me he wants to work on us, they dont mean anything. And always be kind. Easier said than done!!!

[fig]

it sounds to me like you can't simply be his freind right now...which is OK by the way

hoping to show him how great youa re
or proving how much better he is with you
or praying that he will be more than friends with you again

is NOT no expectations

no expectations means just that


if you can not be this
then do not try right now

revisit the option later when you have let go more

it is not vital for you to be friends with him

sometimes they are people we would not ever want as friends

pray for him
that he finds his way to happiness
wherever that is
true happiness

and
be a friend to yourself

don't push yourself to be someone you are not
you do not need to martyr yourself in order to be his friend

perhaps the most loving thing is to not be his friend, to not enable his choices, to prove to yourself that you are more important than how he is treating you, to impart this lesson on to your child

perhaps the most loving thing to do, since you can not be his friend with no expectations is to not be his friend...not that I am saying be cruel to him
i am saying pray for him
and
keep your distance for you and for him and for your son

keep your emotional distance so he doesn't feel the pressure of always letting you down by not giving you want you want
so that you don't always feel let down and hurt that he can't see how amazing you are
so your son sees what an emotionally strong person looks like

[stella_k]

The only question to me is, "What is best for BH?"

I agree wholeheartedly!

Dearest BH, whatever you choose to say or do now is FINE! Take care of yourself and let him deal with it.

And don't worry about the "date" thing.

Eventually he will be hit with realization how much you've being hurting and what courage it took to cover your pain and your fear and spare him the embarrassment over his heartless and cowardly conduct.

I don't know whether he is an MLCer but he definitely sounds like one.

I wish I could give you a real, warm (((hug))) now, not a virtual one.

[No Longer BH]

Very sage advice fig.....I know it is true. That was the place I was at last week. If you read any of my earlier post you can see that I was there. Things have just gotten a little bit mixed up in my world and I slipped. And that's ok. Now I need to just pick me back up and redirect my focus. It is hard for any of us to do this but it is what must be done.

I have not cried in a very long time and it seems that that is all I have been doing since Friday. I also understand that the reality of it is that it really does not have anything to do with my STBXH. All of this confusion is coming from the fear of my cancer. Just like I understand that his OW has nothing to do with me.

I do not see anything that you have said as being cruel, just wise. You have been through this as well and know better than I how to protect your heart. I, once again, am going to find the strength to step back and let him go. Thank you for what you said.

[Lissie]

I am getting that everyone else here believes that I need to just let him go so that I no longer focus on that slim possibility of might be. I am wasting energy on it. Again, because of this fear right now, I truly feel that if I do that then it will definately be over.

Ok I think it is a bit clearer to me now. Sigh, it take some time for me

I read the above, and then saw this.

Married - 1992
ILYNILWY - August 2007
Moved Out - March 2008
OW Revieled - May 28, 2008
Filed for D - July 2, 2008

This is all pretty darn new. I understand why it is so difficult hearing the Letting go and Letting God stuff.

You are not ready for it. I always think that by the time people get to Surviving they have been on the MLC board for 2 years and are done standing.

You are standing for your marriage still, and that is ok. I think all of us here stood for a long time, and when it was the RIGHT time for us to stop standing for our marriages, we came here.

You are not there yet, I think, and that is ok.
Standing is very personal, I know someone that is standing for over 7 years. Is it wrong, or unhealthy? It is not my place to say, I feel. Eveyone knows how much they can "stand"

I stood for my marriage at the same time as a few peeps. BND, Yellow Rose, Jack Three beans. They are all back with their spouses, and working on their M's. They all have one thing in common.

They did not lose themselves on the journey of standing. They stood (still stand) for themselves first and for most.

It is a long hard journey filedl with so many unexpected gifts.

This is all very new for you. You maybe want to look around the forums and see which forum fits best for you, just in case.

This one fits best for me NOW. I needed the MLC forum for the other phases of my journey.

You will know which is best for you.

HUGS

[fig]

and this is why i love lissie

she says what i try to say only with more grace and hugs

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh