I said it earlier. I hate for the very reason that it's so easy to use to flirt and set up dates with OP. That is why I limited my wife's texting ability to only family and a couple of close girlfriends. I'm still paying for the phone; but I have control of the TM. Now phone calls; I could go for greater control; but I don't want to shut her down too hard. I'll just monitor for excessive phone # calling.
Well..saw a little more of the "old wife" creeping back in again last night.
This may not make sense to those that follow my sitch, with the stories from the last 6 months, and all that we do together...the seemingly "normalness" of it all, but there were some things missing that just recently I see coming back.
Over the last several months since the bomb, my wife has almost completely avoided "normal routines" when it comes to shopping, laundry, housework, etc. Not that those things are not getting done. First, I have stepped up tremendously helping out around the house...actually to the point of doing more than my share...180's for me to start...also figured I owed her some, plus it has become a routine for me that I don't mind.
But, to some extent, she let me take it and run with it..to the point where even though she still did things around the house, there was no more "shopping days", "laundry days", "cleaning days", like she had before.
Now maybe it was just the simple fact that some of the stress of keeping up with all this had been lifted from her, I don't know. What I felt sometimes, was that she did not want to have that normalcy in her life...cook for some one else, do there laundry, clean for them. It was her way of making me remember where we were at, and that there was not going to be that normalcy in the future, because we would not be together.
So, as I have already mentioned this week...chicken wings and her specialty, mac and cheese...meatloaf...night before last was roasted potatoes, green beans, rice and broccoli(made enough for leftovers, she said).
That night she talked about making a pasta dish that she used to make when we were first married...one of the first things she learned to make well(and so often, I got sick of it but never told her).
How weird is this??? I was thinking about that very pasta dish over the last couple of weeks, and was going to ask her if she still had the recipe...it has literally been 15 years since she made it.
So she made a shopping list that night, went through the cabinets and fridge, asked me if there was anything I needed, and told me we would be having her old specialty for dinner last night.
When I got home yesterday she was not there, so I picked up, fed the dog, put the dishes away, etc. She pulled in a few minutes later with a trunk full of groceries and informed me it was too late to cook, but she would make the pasta dish on Friday for us. She got some ready to go chicken for dinner and told me she had snack and crackers for later if I wanted anything.
We put things away together, cleaned out the fridge and straightened out the cabinets, had some chicken, poured ourselves a glass of wine and went in to watch some TV.
I mentioned going to the basement to do some laundry before the debate came on and before I had a chance she was down and back, folding clothes.
We watched the debate, talked politics. D came home towards the end and we talked to her for a while. I was tired and told W I was going to bed...gave her a warm kiss on the lips, which she returned.
She slept on the couch last night, but the night before she had fallen asleep there and I woke her to ask her if she was coming to bed. She got up and followed me in and slept in our bed that night. Still don't understand the couch thing with all the closeness and ML, but it doesn't bother me like it used to, and she does come to bed more often than she used to.
This past week I have noticed when I go to kiss her good night, or good bye in the morning, her cheek does not turn away as much. This morning I kissed her on the lips and she seemed to turn her head towards me.
Since I have not been able to say ILY when I leave her, it has been "have a nice day", with her usually saying "you too". The last few days she has beat me to the "have a nice day" as I was leaving.
Also, not that we are not polite to each other, but she seems to be using more "thank yous" and "your welcomes" in her text and normal conversation.
OK..that's my journal for today. Thanks for listening...comments welcome, and I know...keep working..don't get comfortable or cocky and don't read too much into a week when I have years to think about.
I'd say that is showing some slow steady progress, which IMO might be better than a flash revelation that would have you questioning her sincerity. Keep it up!
Last edited by Little Engine; 10/03/0803:09 PM.
M42 S12/D9 T17/M12 Bomb 1 3/22/06 Bomb 2 7/11/08 Bomb 3 7/31/08 W Filed 8/1/08 D granted 12/17/08 D Finalized 1/29/09
A man who compromises his principles never had them in the first place.
When you said "the old wife creeping back in," thought you meant the push you away version.
Things continue to progress.
Stay cool.
Blessings,
Bill
Hey Bill You know, I know it is still a possibility and would hate to see the "push away version" show up again, but the way I feel lately, I think I could get past it, let her have the time and space and deal with it.
Still may not be completely past wanting to hear the words, but I see the actions now more clearly, and something I have always had with her, and she knows it, is the feelings.
She could never hide it from me when she was feeling down or had something on her mind. Of course I did not always know what it was(or we wouldn't be here), but I could always tell there was "something"....and lately that vibe is missing.
I'd say that is showing some slow steady progress, which IMO might be better than a flash revelation that would have you questioning her sincerity. Keep it up!
That has been my problem all along...wanting the flash revelation..guess after 6 months there will be no more flashes??
Never know about the 'flashes' nds. Sometimes the flash in the pans burn out quick. The slow steady changes stick around.
I completely understand where you're coming from about those small details you are noticing. I've noticed the small details in my own situation also. Small steps.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Yes..it's funny how they built up over the last few weeks. What's really strange is that it was since the camping trip that it started to really change. Then that night I went out and she didn't know where I was, and came home quite drunk.
I know that I need to be ready for her to pull back, or a reminder, but my hope is that she is looking at the sitch, and me, from a slightly different perspective now. We are exactly 6 months into this and I have been very consistent in my behavior towards her.
The few R talks that came up over the months always had the same theme...her thinking that everything I was doing was just to please her and that she could not trust me again.
What I do now, how I act and my attitude has become a part of me, and I think she is starting to accept that, even if she is not ready to commit to working on the marriage.
She has mentioned to SIL how I was in the beginning of our relationship and after we got married....."awesome" were her words. IMO, I think I have been a better friend, husband and person in general than I was even back then, and have no intention of ever letting her down, regardless of where this goes.
You know, there were so many times over the years when things were just not good between us that I wondered if we wouldn't both be better off apart. Then the bomb came and although I wanted to fight for the marriage, I thought eventually those thoughts would win out...I would let her go, allow her to be happy and we would go our separate ways.
Instead, as the months have gone by, I realized just how much I truly love her and want her in my life.....the thoughts of giving in and giving up were fleeting.
Man, do I feel like a jerk. All my talk this week about how things feel good, my wife acting like things are progressing, me getting the good vibes from her that I have not felt in a while.....and bam.
What do I get last night?
"You know H, you have told me when the subject has come up, that you don't need reminders...but you seem to be acting like everything is OK, and I just want you to know that nothing has changed".
This came at the very end of the night, after a nice dinner that she made. We decided to stay home and have some drinks, and the 2 of us ended up getting pretty buzzed, hanging out, chatting and watching some TV....things progressed to kissing and holding and that was when she said "we have to talk"....this was on the way to the bedroom.
I get the speech in the middle of it while we are in bed....I don't give much of a response other than to tell her again, I don't need reminders, she talked again about my changes not being real.
This is all while we are in bed, kissing and getting ready to ML...both of us a little drunk, and that was about it..don't really remember how the conversation ended. Guess I didn't say anything too off the wall, because we were talking as we are kissing and proceed to have a hot steamy ML session.
Does that make any sense at all??
Didn't think much about it after that as we went off to sleep, but I woke up this morning pretty pissed about the whole deal...angry actually. More anger this morning than I think I have felt through all of this.
I am the one that is acting like everything is OK? She's not? She is acting like this and letting things go because I have told her that I don't need reminders about the sitch?
After all this the past 6 months, that's the story...she is just plugging away, having a good time and letting us enjoy ourselves together and all along, doesn't bring it up because I have asked her not to remind me about the sitch???
She has taken me at my word from the beginning...that I understand what she wants...I don't want it, but won't fight her, and when the time comes...I will leave??....and that's where we still stand after 6 months of this??
We have been here before over the months, and I said myself it was bound to happen again, but I didn't see it coming this time. She has just been so close and relaxed this past month that I really thought there was a change.
That just makes me truly wonder if things are ever really going to progress past this point. It has just been basically the same deal for 6 months now....her acting like things are, or could be OK and us being this happy fun loving couple...and all along her position has not changed. That's pretty disheartening. Especially after what was going on the last couple of weeks.
