Navy Wife--The Toughest Job In The Fleet

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Here is the letter:

H—

Another deployment. I was thinking about how lucky we have been thus far. We have been married almost 14 years and this is will only be our third full cruise. Not too many Navy couples can say that! I should count my blessings, and I honestly do, but I still always miss you so much when you are away.

We have seven months ahead of us. It s seems like so much time. I will be spending it thinking, reflecting, maturing. Now that I am attending church again and have given my life over to God, I see so many areas where I have made mistakes in my life, areas that ultimately affected us and our relationship. The biggest one was having my priorities straight from the beginning. God first, then you, then the kids and then the rest of life. It is the way it is supposed to be and I failed to do so. Now that I have let god in, he is helping me get it right.

I owe so many apologies I do not even know where to begin. First, I apologize for not allowing you to be the head of our family. I usurped your position, taking on responsibilities--like the bills and disciplining the kids—that should have belonged to you. I always used the excuse that it was easier for me to take charge of things because of your career and deployments, when the reality was that I had an overwhelming need to be in control. I was wrong and I hope you can forgive me.

I also apologize for failing to give you me. You deserved more quality time with me, for us, in our marriage. In the beginning, it was oh so easy. But, as our little family grew, I allowed the kids’ needs to take priority over yours. I failed to see that you needed time from me, too, and I ended up neglecting the most important person in my life because of my short-sightedness. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to spend time with you, I just always figured things would balance out once the kids got older and you would always be there.

Where do we go from here? I don’t know. I still believe in us, in the love we built a 13 ½ year marriage on. I made a promise on the rainy January day that I still keep. The promise was for better or for worse. I pray daily that this is the for worse and the better is still in our future. Our old marriage is gone, buried under mistakes too numerous to mention. You were right, I do deserve better. But, honey, so do you, and my dream is that we can build a better marriage together, using the foundation from the old one.

Our family has asked can I ever forgive you. Sweetheart, I already have forgiven you. I will continue to ask God to help me maintain that forgiveness until the day I no longer remember why I needed to forgive you in the first place. I only hope that one day you will be able to forgive me, too.

H, I love you. I have loved you almost from the moment we met, and I will always love you. Whether you are gone 7 months, a year, forever, I will still be here, honoring the promise I made and the love we shared, raising our children, and maintaining our home.

My heart is so full and I could write so much more, but I have said enough for now. The children and I, you family, will be waiting on the pier when you return at the end of cruise, ready to welcome you home with open arms and hearts.

All my love forever and always,
SMW

Alright, go ahead and tear it up. Nik, ST, sg, and the guys--do your worst. I can handle it.

SMW

[Amy M]

Actually, I think it's good. I read back through NikB's responses to my letter...and I don't see that you made any of the same mistakes I made. The only thing I might reword is about the "family wondering if I can forgive you." My H is very sensitive to the family thoughts, etc. If your H is too, he might see this as you saying that the family doesn't think you should forgive him or that they don't think they will. I'd just leave that reference to family out.

Other than that, it looks good. I'm so hoping things go well tonight and tomorrow. I need to hear a good story right about now. I'll be praying for ya'll!!!!

Amy

[smartcookie]

SMW, I think this is a great letter. It explains how you feel, & what you'd like to happen. I'm just going to throw out some ideas, not necessarily corrections, just different wording or phrasing....

Another deployment. I was thinking about how lucky we have been thus far.

**it bugs me when H talks about "we". I want him to talk about himself, & let me decide for me.

We have been married almost 14 years and this is will only be our third full cruise. Not too many Navy couples can say that! I count my blessings every day, but I miss you so much when you are away.

We have seven months ahead of us. It seems like so much time. I will be spending it thinking, reflecting, maturing. Now that I am attending church again and have given my life over to God, I see so many areas where I have made mistakes in my life, areas that ultimately affected us and our relationship. The biggest one was having my priorities straight from the beginning. God first, then you, then the kids and then the rest of life. It is the way it is supposed to be and I failed to do so. Now that I have let god in, he is helping me get it right.

** does he believe this is the order or priorities ? How does he feel about your relationship with God ? **

I owe so many apologies I do not even know where to begin.

** What about just saying "I sincerely want to apologize about some things"

First, I apologize for not allowing you to be the head of our family. I usurped your position, taking on responsibilities--like the bills and disciplining the kids—that should have belonged to you. I always used the excuse that it was easier for me to take charge of things because of your career and deployments, when the reality was that I had an overwhelming need to be in control. I was wrong and I hope you can forgive me.

** He may not want the responsibility of the disciplining, & bills, maybe you could apologize for the control part, but offer to be a full partner & support him as being head of household type thing.


I also apologize for failing to give you me. You deserved more quality time with me, for us, in our marriage. In the beginning, it was oh so easy. But, as our little family grew, I allowed the kids’ needs to take priority over yours. I failed to see that you needed time from me, too, and I ended up neglecting the most important person in my life because of my short-sightedness. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to spend time with you, I just always figured things would balance out once the kids got older and you would always be there.

Perfect !

Where do we go from here? I don’t know. I still believe in us, in the love we built a 13 ½ year marriage on. I made a promise on the rainy

** I'd leave out rainy, sounds dreary, lol **

January day that I still keep. The promise was for better or for worse. I pray daily that this is the for worse and the better is still in our future.

Our old marriage is gone, buried under mistakes too numerous to mention.

** i'd leave out "buried under mistakes too numerous to mention", he may think you're pointing the finger at him**

You were right, I do deserve better. But, honey, so do you, and

**I'd leave that part out, he may think you're implying you deserve better than him.

My dream is that we can build a better marriage together, using the foundation from the old one.

Our family has asked can I ever forgive you.

**I'd leave that part out.

Sweetheart, I already have forgiven you.

I will continue to ask God to help me maintain that forgiveness until the day I no longer remember why I needed to forgive you in the first place.

** I'd leave that out too, sounds like it's going to be years & years, & that could be discouraging

I only hope that one day you will be able to forgive me, too.

Perfect !

H, I love you. I have loved you almost from the moment we met, and I will always love you. Whether you are gone 7 months, a year, forever, I will still be here, honoring the promise I made and the love we shared, raising our children, and maintaining our home.

Perfect.

My heart is so full and I could write so much more, but I have said enough for now.

He's already overwhelmed. (teasing)

The children and I, you family, will be waiting on the pier when you return at the end of cruise, ready to welcome you home with open arms and hearts.

**I wouldn't speak for the family, you & the kids, yes by all means.

All my love forever and always,
SMW

Hope you don't think I butchered your letter, just trying to read it from his pov.

Hugs, good luck

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Cookie--

As the almost WA, that is why I asked you to read it. Thank you so much! I am going to take stock of everything everyone says and go from there.

SMW

[NikB]

SMW I didn't forget about ya.. have to jump off for a little bit because H is right over my shoulder but I promise I WILL be back as soon as I can. You may even have a revised version by then eh?

[Babygirl]

Hey sweetie, just getting here, oldest D had volleyball tourney today! I am glad he is there, and I will be praying for you tontie, and truly my friend, hope it goes as you want. I am there in heart if you need me, just feel that heart beat and know you arent alone!!
hugs and love!

[NikB]

Alrighty... back to post! I was going to read the other comments first, but I think I'll comment first instead so it's more off of my "first impressions." Overall I think it's good!! Just some tweaks here and there, and some thoughts to share.

I'm trying to put on my "WAS hat," though glad to see you also heard from somenone coming from that perspective!

Another deployment. I was thinking about how lucky we have been thus far. We have been married almost 14 years and this is will only be our third full cruise. Not too many Navy couples can say that! I should count my blessings, and I honestly do, but I still always miss you so much when you are away.

hmm... do you think that he'll be happy about the reference to the length of your M? I'm afraid he may take this the wrong way, like, "yeah 14 years of a terrible M!" (if he's feeling down on the M, in general). I know at least in my case H kept "extending" the time he'd been unhappy. First it was for 2 years, then 4, then 6... at one point H had been "unhappy" in his R with me longer than he had BEEN in an R with me!! (yeah that one had me scratching my head.. I pointed out I hadn't even known him at the time he was referring to.. weird). Anyway.. just a thought, not sure if it applies to you.

I was a little confused about the "lucky" part too until I read the next part. My very first thought was that "we" have not been so "lucky" if this sitch is going on! I thought you might mean "and you've never gotten hurt" or something.. just confused. Then I realized you meant it was because he hadn't had that many cruises during the time you've been married. Maybe you can reword this a little bit.. "I'm so glad you've only had 3 full cruises during our time together... I should count my blessings.." What do you think?

We have seven months ahead of us. It s seems like so much time. I will be spending it thinking, reflecting, maturing.

Maybe not emphasize the "negative" of it so much - how long it is etc. Maybe something like "I plan to spend the next seven months... "

Now that I am attending church again and have given my life over to God, I see so many areas where I have made mistakes in my life, areas that ultimately affected us and our relationship. The biggest one was having my priorities straight from the beginning. God first, then you, then the kids and then the rest of life. It is the way it is supposed to be and I failed to do so. Now that I have let god in, he is helping me get it right.

I'm sorry but I can't recall...does your H share your religious beliefs?

I know that Amy's is more like me - not particularly religious or spiritual. Coming from THAT perspective solely, I think you might soften up the credit you're giving to "God" a little bit. Yes you do give credit there, but give yourself more credit too. If you're giving credit to someone/something that your H does not believe exists, you can see where it would come across a bit different than you intended. He might also not be too happy that you prioritized someone/something else over your R with him, if he doesn't believe in that someone/something. Does that make sense?

If he DOES share your religious beliefs then I think this is perfect.

I owe so many apologies I do not even know where to begin.

A little too heavy on the negative, maybe.. I'm afraid this might get him thinking of a mental list of the things you did wrong.. and it may not even match up with "your" list.

First, I apologize for not allowing you to be the head of our family. I usurped your position, taking on responsibilities--like the bills and disciplining the kids—that should have belonged to you. I always used the excuse that it was easier for me to take charge of things because of your career and deployments, when the reality was that I had an overwhelming need to be in control. I was wrong and I hope you can forgive me.

Are you sure this is an issue for him?

Not all men WANT this responsibility. My H for example is pretty darn glad he doesn't have to deal with the bills. It bugged him that I quit paying his cell bill (because I didn't want to have to look at it and all the calls to OW!). If this is something he has complained about then leave this in, but if it's not you might take this out.

I also apologize for failing to give you me. You deserved more quality time with me, for us, in our marriage. In the beginning, it was oh so easy. But, as our little family grew, I allowed the kids’ needs to take priority over yours. I failed to see that you needed time from me, too, and I ended up neglecting the most important person in my life because of my short-sightedness. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to spend time with you, I just always figured things would balance out once the kids got older and you would always be there.

This is absolutely beautiful.

Where do we go from here? I don’t know. I still believe in us, in the love we built a 13 ½ year marriage on.

Same comment as above about mentioning the time frame. You could just say "I still believe in us and our ability to build a happy future.." something like that. Keep it more future focused.

I made a promise on the rainy January day that I still keep. The promise was for better or for worse. I pray daily that this is the for worse and the better is still in our future.

This sounds a teeny bit "blaming" I think. "I'm keeping my promise... and you're not"

I know that you actually pray for it, but I think it might be better to sound more confident about the worse/better.

"I truly believe that we can build a better future together."

Our old marriage is gone, buried under mistakes too numerous to mention.

I would take out the stuff after the comma. It emphasizes the negative WAY too much. And, if the things you chose to apologize for don't quite match up with what he feels were the top mistakes, this could sound like you're dismissing the ones that are "big" to him.

You were right, I do deserve better. But, honey, so do you, and my dream is that we can build a better marriage together, using the foundation from the old one.

hmmm.. can you just say "We both deserve better than what we had before, and my dream..." ?? The "I do deserve better" implies better than him, not necessarily the better R.

Our family has asked can I ever forgive you. Sweetheart, I already have forgiven you. I will continue to ask God to help me maintain that forgiveness until the day I no longer remember why I needed to forgive you in the first place. I only hope that one day you will be able to forgive me, too.

I wouldn't bring your family into it... just say you've already forgiven him for what happened.

If he's not religious, I'd soften the religious reference again or take it out. You could even keep this a little simpler, I've forgiven you, and I hope that one day you'll be able to forgive me too.

H, I love you. I have loved you almost from the moment we met, and I will always love you.

Awwww.. I like this.

Whether you are gone 7 months, a year, forever, I will still be here, honoring the promise I made and the love we shared, raising our children, and maintaining our home.

Ouch... this sounds pretty condescending again. "I'm keeping MY promise" [and you're NOT keeping YOURS]. I would take all of this out. I can't really think of a way to re-word it that sounds right.

My heart is so full and I could write so much more, but I have said enough for now. The children and I, you family, will be waiting on the pier when you return at the end of cruise, ready to welcome you home with open arms and hearts.

I love this with one exception, I'd take out "your family." He knows who you are... It sounds a little pushy or something.. can't quite put my finger on it but I think the paragraph/sentence is much better without it.

All in all I think it looks very good! Hope my thoughts and those of others help you tweak it some.

(((SMW)))

[Racefan]

Hey Sis...

I like the context of the letter but have to admit that SC & NikB, have pointed out some good spots to reconsider changing. The changes they suggest are going to put you in a better light and put less pressure on H. Some of the areas I feel that they have pointed could put him on the defensive and get a negative reaction.

As I said the context is very good and you have the right idea. I don't feel it over board on your feelings I feel it honest and with those changes to consider it will get a much better reaction to further your efforts.

Good on you for the way you chose to express yourelf, you're doing good girl...

Bro

[sgctxok]

Beautiful letter. This is soooo your strength.

I personally would leave the forgiveness paragraph out. Give him the chance to to take the lead with that. Pray about it. Read it again, edit as directed in prayer...you're pretty good.

[ernest88]

I like the letter. It should be from the heart and it sounds like it is. The edits looked good to me also..you've gotten some good advice.