I will see if my caffeine starved brain can conjure up some answers for you. I reserve the right to come back later and add.
1. What did you do to survive?
Initially I joined a gym. I felt too sick to eat and knew I needed to keep my strength up. 2 months later I found this board and I posted obsessively and tried to stay focussed on marital repair and survival. I even clung to false hope (knowing it was likely so) but it was better than nothing.
2. What mistakes did you make?
Believing that H was going to wake up one day and "get it". Trying to make him see the error of his ways. Later, after the M was definitely over - believing that every guy who showed interest was "the one" for me.
3. What was your best victory?
Initially it was keeping the dream house. Later that became less important. Overall - it was in saving myself and my integrity. Learning that I was WHOLE as a single person and I could do it all by myself.
4. What was your worst loss?
Family life. No matter what I do - my children will always be part of a broken family. We have lost our cohesion. It is sometimes a struggle to pull them together. The thoughts of their special times - grads, weddings, birth of my grandchidren - somehow has lost its luster knowing he will be there, possibly with maggot.
5. Are you happier now and why?
I am happy not to have to live with him. Even back then I knew I lived with an unhappy person. He was a person who often brought me down. There was not always harmony in our home. Every little thing I did had to run past someone else. I can now make my own decisions and feel great about that.
Hi AO and Barb First I like to state a fact in Prehospital Medicine caffeen is one of the 5 major food groups along with Sugar Salt Fat and Preservitives
A bowl of Chocolate ice cream fits all of the above and Pizza has 4 of the five
My ans 1. What did you do to survive? At first my world dramaticaly shrank. Pretty much kept to myself realizing that what got me into that fine mess needed to be undone. I pointed the spotlight at me since I am the only thing that I can fix outside of my bike and truck. I had to come to the point where I could be content without a significant other. Later I just realized I actually like being alone without asking any permission. That has extended to other areas of my life.
It was similar to staying at a storm shelter until the winds of change slowed and one could assess damage. That takes a long while and is unsettling when the tornado is overhead and storm door just got ripped off. You realize you are not in Kansas anymore.
2. What mistakes did you make? At first I did not pursue aggressively an ortho injury aggreviated by my Military service so I wasted time nursing a bumb sholder for over a year. Cost me training for a FF job that would have been well suited for my demeanor. However I probably would not have lifeguarded. It took a long time to break the habits of 'She done me wrong, and victim'. While reading the subject is one thing practice is another.
3. What was your best victory? a. The return of my relationship with my StepSon who joined the Marines and shows a pic of me and a Marine just after a grappling match. The culture celebrates crazyness. b. The fact I maintained relationships with my D14. I maintain any contact with my X because of her but she is very strict and I am not thus a good mix. c. I have lowered my level for risk management after loosing almost all physical assets though I do not have reaped massive rewards the education and excitement is priceless. I still calculate the risk/gain but the ratio has changed dramatically favoring the risk side of the formula.
4. What was your worst loss? Watching a parent slip due to alzeimers and the related loss. I would say a former life but that life sucked. I was a 24X7 punching bag from several angles (former job, family, others ) and I have no desire to return there.
5. Are you happier now and why? Very much so. Though one is responsible for their own aditude it is easier to do so while not fighting constant headwinds created by people with an agenda. I know what I am and I do not worry about the opinions of others. I do not ask for their praise and I do absolutely nothing to generate such praise. Being a former praise junkie that is a 180. In short 'Don't hang around for the attaboys'.
Addendum: I basicly found out the purpose, vision, of who I was in order to set the Goals, then work in that direction. When others (good intentioned or not) chime in one can tell if that advice or influence is benificial or not. I know what makes me happy and do not even attempt to go other directions no matter how profitable or recommended.
At times my threads degenerate to a blog but at first exist for to explain to the new Survivors there is light at the end of the tunnel and focus on the DB tools that will enable one to sidestep the oncoming trains. The tunnel often takes years to emerge and like anything else in life some emerge faster than others.
Good: It is not a race it is a journey and do what it takes to enjoy the journey so if the goal is not as promised you have something. Bad: Like a tunnel there are no shortcuts just false endoftunnel lights one needs to avoid otherwise one will return to the start of such tunnel.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
1. What did I do to survive? First, I read the DB books, drove into the country "a lot" and just screamed my head off!! Focussed on getting my D all settled in college.
2. What mistakes did I make? Plenty. Did the crying, begging, threatening thing to no avail. Wallowed in self pity and anger for way too long.
3. What was my best victory. Getting a life!!! Once I accepted that I was really OK with a D, I started looking for "my" dream house. I loved my freedom!!!
4. What was my worst loss? Feeling like I'd lost my family. My X moved out in June and D went away to college 6 wks later. I missed my family. I missed the "good" times. I missed not having someone to sleep with at night.
5. Am I happier now and why? Yessirree!!! I actually didn't realize how miserable most of my M was until it was gone. I no longer have to tiptoe around issues. I no longer feel resentment/anger/hostility on a daily basis. I'm happier than I can ever remember being in my life.
1. What did I do to survive? Read, read, read some more, DB books and others, THIS BOARD, anything I could but after that, put down the books and GAL, met new people, but also surrounded myself w/ friends and family and wasn't afraid to ask for hlep
2. What mistakes did I make? oh gosh lol how much time do i have? begging, pleading , appearing needy. uggh not going dark and just making the same mistakes over and over, till i got it.
3. What was my best victory. Starting my very own life! not as Mrs. A or the ex Mrs. A but Karen S! Going back to work, making new friends, friends that are part of my new life, just finding me again.
4. What was my worst loss? Was and still is in some ways, the loss of family for my son, we were a small family just 3 of us, so when one leaves, that's a big gap! Knowing he wont have the same life as ex and I had, and things will be different for him as he starts his own life.
5. Am I happier now and why? Oh yes! because I made sure I would be happy, ex or not- I do love things about my life now much better, I am ore independent, easy going, appreciate things I didn't before, Could I of done this w/ ex? yes, but I had to do it without him and I am happy and very lucky!
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
well...I just did what I had to do. AS the sole parent of two boys I NEEDed to get up every morning and get them dressed. I NEEDed to function. It is amazing what we can do when there are no other options
2..what mistakes did I make?
what mistakes didn't I make??? But I tried to tlearn the lesson in each of them...in others words...i tried not to repeat mistakes. I also didn't ask for everything I wanted. I tried to be nice and i shoudl have gone for gold
3...what was my best victory?
a life well lived. I refused to become bitter and I refused to continue to wallow. I realized how low my self-esteem was (painfully so) and worked hard to bring it up. I started small and let it build and build. I am living MY authentic life instead of the life someone else thought I should live
4...what was my worst loss?
The feeling of letting my children down. Their bio dad was incredibly abusive and this relationship was supposed to be better. not so much. i felt I had failed them
5...am I happier now?
there is no comparison. i did not realize happiness the way i feel it now existed. i was so beaten down that i forgot to remember to look upward. my life shines now. and i am a whole person. complete on my own. a better mother, friend and companion. my baboo is getting me at my best...a place i knew i was at before i met him and a place he continues to remind me to remain at. a true partner
I don't know about surviving really. I think that in general people just go on with their lives. We are in constant transition whether we are aware of it or not. But we can help ourselves to make things easier by reaching out.
Mistakes would be more of the timely kind rather then the actual action.
As for victory, I am not so sure. More like a discovery of what I am capable of.
Worse loss? a level of trust
I am happier with myself in certain areas of my life and am still working on the others.
At the time of bomb #3 I threw myself into Graduate School, Parenting, and Yoga. I was busy all the time and used yoga to exercise my body and mind and also provide a sane, meditative space in which to simply *be*. I also journaled extensively! Here is something I wrote when I first came to this journey:
Quote:
1. Pray 2. Tear up a picture of the two of us 3. I walked a Labyrinth and buried a tornup picture of the two of us (see #2 above) at the center, released the whole problem to God and walked out to the world renewed. 4. Minimizing contact with H 5. Started a "release" journal...Wrote stuff in it like, "I release pain, I release anger, I release despair, etc,etc, over and over until I was "written out" Then I burned the paper in the fireplace, visualizing my negative emotions transformed by the fire. 6. Re-wrote the script in my mind. Instead of "My H is a dirty no good so and so who has been cheating on me for three YEARS " I now tell myself, "My H and I have grown distant, and have decided to separate" (True) 7. Pray some more 8. Focus on my 2 WONDERFUL kids and making a new life for me 9. Keeping BUSY (see # 8 above...) 10. Yoga!
What mistakes did you make
I would say I held on to the idea of "the marriage" for way too long. I gave H way too many chances. But in a way all that time was needed for me to detach and get clear.
What was your best victory Finishing my Masters in 18 months while single parenting and getting my D into the school of her choice.
What was your worst loss Hard to say. I think everything is better now, although not EASIER. My illusions were shattered, but that isn't a loss, that is a gain.
Are you happier and whyI am happier in so many ways. I think I am fundamentally happier, although the survival/financial struggle has been difficult. Ultimately I am way better off than I was.
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
