Two words. Anger management. You are lashing out at people who've been there, done that, bought the books, read them, wrote easily encyclopedias of good support and advice to people long before you started flaming everyone here, and still care enough to come around and try to help someone who seems to be having a tough time. Namely, you. Have you read your own words? The give the feel of a frantic, out of breath man panicking at every move. You seem to make all of your decisions in reaction to your wife. Now, if she's off her rocker, and every decision you make is based on her actions, what does that say about your decision-making process. Not only that, but you deny any need for therapy, then berate these good people with your "journal", or "vent", or whatever else you want to call this tantrum.
Is that the kind of man you want your kids to grow up knowing? I've been here just as much as about anyone you've flamed thus far, and I can tell you from experience that basing your actions on the attitudes and values of a whacked out person will never help your kids. They will never learn grace and maturity from lashing out, manipulating, or one-upping.
Chill out, dude. Try to know the people you flame before being so offensive. Try to see that your perspective isn't the only one. And try to see that you don't know everything, even about your situation. Because I can tell you right now, most people wouldn't stand by and let you speak to the fine ladies here the way you have were you to do so in the real world. Serious attitude problem in need of serious adjustment. Hopefully you find the means to adjust it yourself.
Do what works. Going dark with my wife is not the answer.
Being nice and humble.
Get treated like crap and still be involved in everyone of beckon calls. Then even if I do that. She'll find fault.
Please, thank you for the advice... I will consider it. I'm telling the story, and why I know it will not work. I know my wife like a book. I know how she acts about things. Never good enough.
Then why would you want to be with a person who treats you this way? What are the reasons to stay with her as she is now?
And no, don't say "for the kids". This relationship is destructive on the kids. You know this is true. You know it.
Phil, I know you're a good man and you love your kids, you love your wife. These are all admirable traits in a good man.
Phil, you deserve to be in a calm, loving, stress free marriage to a woman who values you. What would have to change for you to have that marriage? Don't just respond but really think about it.
As far as 'going dark', I totally understand how that won't work for you. I suggest 'gray' instead. That means that you DO answer calls when she calls and you DO reply to texts that are legitimate questions.
What you DON'T do is initiate texts, don't call her for reasons other than information about the kids, and NEVER EVER REACT to ANYTHING she says that is negative. If it's on the phone, in person or text, just say "You're right" and nothing else.
Once you AGREE what can she say next? You took the wind out of her sails. And if she does keep going say 'Yeah, you're right'. "Uh huh". "Yes".
BUT, if it turns into real abuse, tell her you're hanging up if she doesn't act civil / leaving / or don't reply to the text.
Be the strong one, when she's the tornado, you need to be the rock that can't be swayed.
You're a tough man and I have faith that you can do this 'gray' thing. That you can be the rock.
Try it, I think you will be surprised.
Oh, and people aren't telling you to be 'humble' to your wife, they are asking you to show some humility on this board. Your Wife needs to see a consistent 'rock' who isn't swayed and doesn't react to her storms.
I really hate this place. I should have never started posting here because all it does is add to the drama.
Even this morning. I texted her. Thanks you left shoe prints all on the kitchen floor into the great room. Kids call me on the drive to school.
The kids call. They are tired, but I wish them a good day and tell them I love them.
Then I get stupid, I asked to speak with Mommy.
She gets on the phone. I said Thanks for getting shoe prints everywhere.
Oh, how did I do that. I said well you came into the house with your shoes on from your ice cream store. Now it's a mess.
She said she was sorry.
I said yeah, well if I would have done that to you, you would have went to town on me. Are you going to come and mop it?
She hangs up on me.
I text: some friend you are.
I text: Treat other the way you want to be treated
I text: Why are you so mean to me?
I text: I have enough problems, and you constantly five me a hard time. You did it through the whole relationship. I'm sorry. I am really sorry. I feel sorry for you.
I text: I am sorry you lost the babies. I tried to make you happy.
I text: You gave me a hard time about every thing, and you are still doing it.
I text: Why?
I text: Would you please answer the question?
Nothing, she just wants to act like an insolent, vexatious, and quarrelsome woman.
Now nobody better say a word to me. Because I do not need the stress.
I already know some idiot is going to bash me for treat others the way you want to be treated comment, so don't even go there.
And the dynamics about the kids the advice given about the kids staying with me on nights she works. Isn't going to work. All she is going to do is cause a big scene and get the children all upset.
Yes, I know I had to go tit for tat with her about the shoe prints. Because I know she would have went to town on me. If I would have let it go then she would think nothing of it.
What I'm saying is whatever is good for the goose is never good for the gander with her.
She can walk into our house with her shoes on, but I can't even walk on her foyer rug. I got dirt on it a couple months ago. Now she can just waltz in the house with her nasty work shoes on and create a giant mess.
It was like that with everything. She gives me a hard time about everything, and when I call her on her faults I'm the a$$hole.
Insolent, vexatious, and quarrelsome. WHY?
Why do I want her back? Because I love her? I always did? It didn't matter to me how she acted, what she said.
But then I would get to the point when I just could not take it anymore.
I do need peace in my life, but I just do not see it.
Yes your right. When she hung up on me I should have just let it go. Not texted. Like I was looking for an excuse to talk to my wife. Yes, your right, because I yearn to hear her voice.
I should have not told my children to put their mother on. For one it was a bad time. She was flustered trying to get them to school. Etc... Bad timing. I should have been just happy with the fact that she said she was sorry.
YEARN!
Imageer, I'm sick of the high fiving and supporting of others peoples post. Keep your comments about what others say to yourself.
Quote:
Then why would you want to be with a person who treats you this way?
Because when you are verbally abused for 13 years by the person you love, you are used to it. It is normal, and you know what. Someone already said. They all act that way.
Bighands, go away you were not helpful. I'm only angry now because the situation is so crazy. I have no control. I can't control it, and I'm a person about cosmic order and logic.
I haven't posted to you before and you may think it is a bit random that I do now as I see you have been here for quite a while but your last post interested me so I caught up (as much as possible as you have lots of threads!!) on your situation. I just wanted to share with you one thing that worked for me that you may or may not find helpful in your situation.
Pretty much for the first few weeks of DBing my only interactions with my husband were through text and before discovering DBing my texts only succeeded in winding him up possibly antagonising him and vice versa. I realised that was because we didn't have any empathy for the others wants or needs and were working to our own agenda or needs. It wasn't either of our faults we just had come to a point where we misunderstood each other so much we took everything the wrong way and probably quite personally, I know for sure I did at least.
The thing that changed that for me and brought us from smashing our heads together to collaboration and being able to come up with solutions together was a) me choosing the battles I wanted to fight and b) checking my texts before I sent them - often writing them and coming back to them in 2 hours and re-reasing. Posting my texts here before I sent them also helped so I could get advice on wording and clarity.
There were two effects. It cut the number of texts I was sending my h dramatically so as to give him a bit of headspace (I see you know what it is like to feel bombarded) and also my texts were less loaded and emotive so didn't bring out a negative response in him. It took time and perseverance but it really paid off for me and reduced my stress levels too.
Michelle says that changing your actions has an effect on your partners actions. I really have seen this work in practice. It also has given me so much personal strength and power to do this and I also regained the dignity I felt I had lost this past year. The main end product has been it has helped me to reconnect with my husband and that is what I have been trying to do for a year now. That was the first time that I saw any results.
Here is something else I didn't mention. Last night after she left. She texted me about a half hour later.
I do not have a BF so quit asking the kids.
I text. You act like you do. Do you love me?
I text: You went from being done to hating me. Son said he does not want to live in two houses. Stop me names in front of them. I did the paperwork so you would not have to worry about doing it. Never good enough for you. I do everytihng wrong. I never seen you as a texter and that is all you do. I tried to use radios and you would not use them. Then you give a bs line that I never loved you.
I text: They say all you do is text. I just asked if it was boys. Why do you want me to think you have some one else. You do not want me. And you just killed my soul.
I text: Quit drinking. Not good enough. Quit calling you the b and c words, not good enough. Daggers and verbal abuse. Your friend is a piece of work. I could only imagine one of my friends talk to you the way she talks to me. I would seriously f them up. If my friend talked that way at you.
I text: Good night!
Nothing... Not a peep... Why? because she knows she is wrong.
That's why she is running. That's why teens run.
The radio story... i'll tell it. Because she said I was never home, and didn't want a cell phone so she could keep track of me.
No, I don't want bothered by a phone. They make life harder. I answer the phone enough at work. I don't want a cell phone bill. I got radios, so that the kids could talk to me when I was at the shoots a couple of miles down the road. She always thought I was down there galavanting. I wasn't shooting skeet. Unwinding. She never used the radios. Plus everyone of my friends had phones if she wanted to get a hold of me. She never did.
It's all BS... All of it I tell you... All of it.
You see how the story got changed to does mommy have a boy friend. No, the kids told me all mommy does is text. My daughter said she reads her text, and next year she will probally be texting. I said does mommy talk to boys. She said no. Then it gets turned into some drama event.
Everything I do it wrong. Even now what I do is wrong. I can't let the BS go. I have to respond to it. Even on this board. When I see BS I have to respond to it and say why it isn't so.
And Forrest H, if that is you on FB, you can forget it. You are the king of driving me nuts.
Yes I see your point. I do believe that her and I totally misunderstand each other. I do not know how to bridge the gap. It has been like that for the entire relationship. I think this is our biggest problem. We do not understand each other, or each others view points and we consider ours to be right.
To be honest... I have left her alone. These last two days I have been going nuts on her with text. Yes there were lingering text when she initiated, because of the yearn factor. In the early days of seperation every night she would text that she loved me. Then it quit. Because I quit. I don't know.. and she got worse now.
Last night, I kissed her cheek. I leaned in and she leaned in.
I see how I'm making things worse. Point is, she got a year lease. She isn't going to break the lease. She wants to be on her own. I'm trying to make things easier for her, but she doesn't want them easy. Then she acts all crazy, does crazy things, and puts my kids in the middle.
Then her parents enable. Everyone makes things easy for her.
Then she expects weird favors from me at odd times, because the kids are driving her nuts.
That's why she would show up at the house unannounced to dump the kids. She can't handle them. But she created the mess. They do not listen to her. When they are around her, they know what buttons to push. Then when we are all together and I discipline them, she says leave them alone they are fine. So reward for bad behavior.
Put it this way... This is a long journey... And guess who is getting scr3wed.... LOSTPHIL!
