Thanks Jeff, I never ever had a cat that got hit by a car so I guess I,ve been lucky. She may loose her tail but I guess she,ll learn to cope. Often its the shock that kills them so fingers crossed. She,s semi feral so wanders and hunts!
I'm sorry I've been so swamped w/ the first two weeks of school that I've fallen miserably behind on this board. Anyway, I'm caught up and I've read some encouraging things from you over the past thread and a half.
1) You originally said you weren't against detaching, but you just "didn't understand how to do it." Well, it seems that allowing yourself to cut off contact w/ BF has shown you what you need to do. Did you stop caring for him? No. What you did do was stop pursuing him. You did make a small error by sending the e-mail, but he's now contacting you and that is the way it has to be for a while if not from now on.
naej was correct in saying you have to stop. Stop chasing. Stop blaming yourself. Stop wondering why. None of us will EVER know why and while we did play a part in the demise of our relationships, there is NO POSSIBLE WAY any of us did more than our share. No matter how flat you try to make it, there will always be two sides to a pancake. Our story is just side one. Our others are responsible for side two. Don't ever forget that.
2) You also said "it's over" and I couldn't agree more. Not only is it over, but it SHOULD BE OVER. Would you really want to go back to your old relationship? How long would it last? How many days, weeks or months would you give BF before he left again?
The point is your old relationship, like all of our old relationships, is dead. And that is a good thing. Remember we were all in disfunctional relationships and we should be learning, growing and changing. That said, there is no way we should ever want those relationships again. New or nothing. Old is so blasse. We're going new and different or we're taking our ball and going home. So, rather than mourn the fact your relationship is over, take a cue from those non-Protestant "trouble makers" north of you and give it a wake and wish it well. You are on to different and better things (maybe even w/ BF and maybe not).
3) You also said a few posts ago "I can't let go of the love I have for him." This too is completely ok. You will have a place for BF in your heart forever. We all will. It is a good thing. Ali will always love him, just like RTL will always love his W (even though I'd like for her to be hit by a bus at times during this divorce crap - it is sarcastic and I wouldn't like for her to really ge hit by a bus. I think.)
However, as we continue down this road, there may come a day when we all must be ready to do as Kalni and Kerry have done and realize that we may not be able to live w/ the one that we love. That too is ok. It isn't prefered and the thought of it makes me sad, but it may be a reality for some of us. I'm hoping that most of us will be able to save our marriages and relationships and rebuild them for the better. However, if we can't do this, we will know it wasn't for a lack of effort. We can only do so much alone and the rest is up to our others to decide.
Stop blaming yourself as you've done and are doing all you can. Lesser people would have left him a long time ago and most likely been involved w/ a rebound relationship that is also in the process of crumbling to the ground.
Loving is good. Caring for others is good. Too many of us walk through life not knowing love or how to love, so even in defeat, we are some of the lucky ones on this orb called Earth.
Hey Michelle, Naej, Jeff...yep, just felt sad when I looked in the tank!!! He's the only fish left from those that I bnought to Cornwall and he was my favourite too. Feel upset about it!
Rob - hello you, nice to see you back. I know what you are saying about the old R/new R thing and I'm not fightinng that, not at all. I can see HUGE positives in how I have changed as a result of this, I wouldnt want to go back to how I was before. And I always encouraged him to sort his issues out and not be a people-pleaser and follow his own needs more (I didnt think he would go and leave me though!!) so if he manages to get through this, thats positive too. I can see that we could have a much better R, with the solid basis we had before still there.
The bit I am angsty and anxious and fighting over, is he just doesnt want to start again with me. He just wont give me that second chance. Maybe I didnt do enough to show him things wouldnt be like they were, maybe he isnt through his own stuff enough to even consider it, or maybe he just cant get the love back that he once felt for me.
Thanks for saying I am right to be loving and hopeful, and I agree that I would rather have been than bale and go do that usual remedy...fall into another R (would have been a disaster yes!).
So, no contact from him. Sigh. To think all those months he ALWAYS called me on the weekends. He's not even away this weekend. Makes me wonder if he isnt seeing someone, again.
But then, as my BFF said, if he were, he wouldnt have rang you at 10pm on Wednesday, the night before his birthday. Also, he would have been more excited about it, and not saying he felt totally "un-birthdayish" and that he genuinely wasnt interested in his birthday at all.
Been debating texting him asking if he wants to go watch the Man U game on Monday, but guess I should leave him be...?
Can you send the text/invite BF with no expectations? I think if you can do it and not be disappointed with a 'no' or other excuse (and not see it as a decision he's reached), then yes, go for it. On the other hand, if you'll be upset/hurt by him declining, I think it'd be best to not send the text..... actually, thinking about it could you say you were going anyway even if he declined? That might surprise him and get him thinking.
I honestly think (especially with Essie's awesome results) that you shouldn't see a period of NC as the end. It's cave time; that's all. Essie has had about 9 months of limited contact, and from what I recall a really hard year before that too.....
Of your three options for not having got a second chance, I think the likelihood is that he isn't through his own stuff. Can I ask what you've done to show him things would be different? I know you've been listening a lot and have made lots of changes yourself (job, art, friends); do you think he's noticed them?
Hey Lisa...yes, the olympics is pretty good isnt it!
I havent sent it yet..he doesnt get mobile signal in his flat, but even if he's out somewhere with signal, I have a feeling he will ignore my text. Its just more rejection if I send it?
I know what you are saying about Essie, but I feel that we have missed our moment, if we were going to get back together, something should have triggered it over the past year and it hasnt materialised.
Its confusing as we did spend so much time together and even now hes practically NC, he did phone me on Wednesday, I cant work out why he called...probably something about feeling sorry for himself becuase it was his birthday and maybe he felt unloved? He mainly talked about work and his game of football. He didnt mention money. He did tell me to scribble his name on the lease though and get it sent off... although he had already suggested that by email in the day, so its not like he had to phone me to tell me that.
I havent seen him now for 3 1/2 weeks. His best mate is away this weekend...he's here, probs at a lose end and he chooses to not even phone me. I think its just over. I know I keep saying it, then saying...but I'm hoping to see him... I guess I just want to see him one last time, now that the landscape is so different to a month ago before those bl**dy eclipses trashed our R, what remained of it.
I think the main things I changed was saying yes to stuff.. so before, whenever he asked me to the Cinema/pub/out with friends/ to bike ride long distances, I always said yes. In our R, in latter years, I mostly said no to stuff like that, becuase of my own complex reasona and so, as he said last August, he gave up asking. This past 6 months, I have been happy to be sociable at a drop of a hat and would have done more things, had he still been with me, but there was only so much I could do with him.
Where I have slipped us is, I havent done enough off my own bat, bits and bobs, he was really pleased that I have made 2 new friends at work I have been having lunch with...but my social life has been nowhere near as packed or varied as his. I dont know if that has anything to do with him leaving or not taking me back, I'm probably just beating myself up unnecessarily here.
All I can say is, I demonstrated to him that I had changed, even if I wasnt very good at doing those things when he wasnt around.
I also got more feminine, stopped wearing jeans and jumpes all the time as I didnt feel the cold as much and have stopped getting ill all the time (which did put a strain on our R).
Hey thanks T. Nice to hear from you! Its not looking good is it?
I've come to two realisations these past few days... one, that he is gone. He's gone. I get it now.
Second, I behaved badly in our R. I was caught up in my own stuff and we drifted along for years like that. I was 'in control' of myself and therefore of us and our R. I didnt listen to him enough or give him enough respect (and he is a bad communicator anyway). I didnt have enough fun with him over about a 4 year period, I went to a really wierd place in myself, as I got ill all the time and became fearful and vunerable. This is one of the reasons I have given him so much rope and waited so long as I know how long it took me to emerge from that. And once I had and corrected how I had been with him, it was already too late and he started to withdraw from me and wouldnt talk to me. We were out of synch.
So, yep, lessons learnt, tough lessons. I am tired of feeling not good enough and rejected and I want someone to want to spend time with me and to give me a hug. Clearly, he isnt that man anymore.
You seem to be well on your way to being a better, stronger, more aware person. That is the test we must pass to get through this to a richer, fuller life. We can't yet see what comes next, but many people never get to where you are. Pat yourself on the back. You deserve it. It's much easier to blame someone or something else, but only when we look within do we see how we contributed to what happened. That is essential for finding a deeper happiness and love in the future. You have had the courage to face your own fire. That's tough, and it's rare. Well done.
