Losing, in a curious way, is winning.

[lodo]

Hey Bridge,

Guess I'm DAM - I don't get how things went with H. Or how you're feeling about it.

lodo

[Bridgestone]

Hi Lodo,

Things went ok.. there were some tense moments, but all in all, it was ok. We both kept things polite & as upbeat as we could. Most of the time one or both of us were in that mode.

When there were times where 'drama' would have occured in the past, one of us or both, effectively walked away from it.


My first night back home, with just me & the kids, I remember taking a really 'deep breath'. I felt as if I had been holding my breath most of the time, but didn't realize I was until then.

I hadn't realized how much I have gotten use to having my 'alone time' and not having to answer to anyone about my actions/decisions. By the time vacation was over, it was starting to feel like 'walking on eggshells' again, not bad, just antsy.

The drama that occurred on Saturday was from some bad talks that arose from counseling on unrelated issues, but for me I think some of the stress from 'holding my breath' on vacation came out during that fight.

How do I feel about it? It reinforced for me how uncomfortable I still am around H for long periods of time. I enjoy his company for a while, but the 'comfortable stretches of time' we used to enjoy with each other seem to have evaporated.

We went out to a wine bar one night at DuPont Circle, which was fun, but just not the same.

I love to people watch and H has always loved the stories I spin about the people I see. It just didn't seem to have the vivaciousness that is has in the past. It felt forced to some extent, like we were both acting out roles in a play.

To use Kalni's puzzle analogy... the 2 pieces sort of fit, but when you really stepped back to look, the colors where the two pieces touched, were not matching.

Counseling again tomorrow.

I started back to some department meetings today for part of the day.. that was stressful. Not sure I'm ready to start this school year.

S18 leaves for college a week from tomorrow. A week from tonight will be his last night in my house (or maybe his Dad's) until Thanksgiving. He is out again tonight for what is probably the last of many 'good-bye' parties he & his friends have been having for the past 3 weeks.

sigh... and life goes on.

Peace
Bridge

[Distressed67]

Bridge,

You did very well on the vaction with your kids and H. You both were able to see the drama coming and most of the time walk away from it. I'm betting in the past a full blown fight would have erupted. So take that as a positive.

Being apart for as long as you both have been it is going to seem stange and awkward to be together so much. You are going to go through times that it is uncomfortable and forced. Maybe instead of trying to do things that you use to do together you need to find new and different things.

You both have changed and your R has change and will need to keep changing. You don't want the old R anyways so trying to do the same stuff is only going to bring back the old R. You both need to do different things I am sure that you have new interest and hopefully he does to, explore them and see where that gets you.

Take care and try not to dwell on your S leaving and school starting too much.

Tim

[Bridgestone]

Bridge,

You did very well on the vaction with your kids and H. You both were able to see the drama coming and most of the time walk away from it. I'm betting in the past a full blown fight would have erupted. So take that as a positive.

Thanks D67, I have been trying to spin it positive. The sad part is, some of it felt like it did to me the few months before I dropped the bomb. Walking on eggshells with a wall around my feelings & thoughts, just trying to keep the peace for the sake of the 'family'. Did NOT like that feeling. It hurt me. I need to find a way to reframe that.

Maybe instead of trying to do things that you use to do together you need to find new and different things.
I am sure that you have new interest and hopefully he does to, explore them and see where that gets you.

No he does not actually. The only other interest I can see that he has started doing is spending time working on the homework for communications counseling we are doing together.

He still has no hobbies or outside interests or friends that he spends time with. One of my complaints from the 'old R'. I reiterated this to him in Counseling over a month ago, he expressed some interest in kite flying.

I sent him some website & have tried to start conversations about it (as I went and did some research to have something 'new' to talk about) & now I think I know more than he does. And this is during his 'slow' time at work when he would have the time to explore a new hobby.

Take care and try not to dwell on your S leaving and school starting too much.

Thanks.... I'm trying.

[goldeylox]

Bridge, S18 leaving Friday. Driving me crazy. Help! Peace.

[Distressed67]

If anybody on this board needs a smack upside their head with a 2x4 its your H. Is he in the running for president of the DAM's club of America. DC was his chance to shine, prove to you that he is the man of your dreams and show you a rocking good time and he blows it. He lets you guys fall right back into the same routine that made you move out in the first place. UUGGGHHHH!

Have you ever thought about having him read DB or DR it seems these books are more for him than you. I would normaly say not to but he needs to GAL, kite flying, come on with all the great sports and hobbies out there he suggests kite flying. And then you do more research on the subject than him. Pathetic.

I don't know what to tell you to do. I wish I could talk to him and tell him what an idiot he is being. He needs to be posting here more than you. Not that I want you to leave just that I could help him alot more than you because I don't know how to get through to him. You keep extending the olive branch and he uses it for fire wood. I truely hope he wakes up soon either in MC or CC. Your a hell of a woman Bridge to be putting this much effort into it, I hope you get what you want out of all of this.

Take care,

Tim

[Forrest Gump]

If anybody on this board needs a smack upside their head with a 2x4 its your H.

I am not sure I agree.

Is he in the running for president of the DAM's club of America. DC was his chance to shine, prove to you that he is the man of your dreams and show you a rocking good time and he blows it. He lets you guys fall right back into the same routine that made you move out in the first place. UUGGGHHHH!

I hadn't realized how much I have gotten use to having my 'alone time' and not having to answer to anyone.

I'm Sorry... who is supposed to shine? Last I checked.. it was the person posting here!! If.. for some reason.. you find yourself posting here.. you better learn how to shine.

I give you props.. for trying to find the answer.

Have you ever thought about having him read DB or DR it seems these books are more for him than you. I would normaly say not to but he needs to GAL, kite flying, come on with all the great sports and hobbies out there he suggests kite flying. And then you do more research on the subject than him. Pathetic.

I have a collection of kites.. people are amazed at what I can do with them. I have had 100's of people watching me fly my tiny little kite.. the only reason I know.. people were watching.. is because my wife told me.

You keep extending the olive branch and he uses it for fire wood.

One of the big things.. I have wanted to say is.. I see the effort on your part.. but I see his lack of.. "Heart". A DAM needs to have some Heart. It will disappear.. when he feels attacked.. or has lost interest.

Your a hell of a woman Bridge to be putting this much effort into it, I hope you get what you want out of all of this.

A big part of me.. thinks you stand out too much. He does not like your C.. that I am.. 99% sure of. He likes.. that you stand out.. he just wants you to tone it back some. Call it a "little bit."

I.. may have missed.. you bending.. and Doing Work. If I did.. can you point it out?

Distressed67.. I am not attacking you. I liked your post. Most of this is directed at Bridgestone.

I am so going to hel*!!

[Coach]

[quote] [Bridge, S18 leaving Friday. Driving me crazy. Help! Peace. /quote]

What you don't realize about your sons is that this is a scary deal for them as well. Moving out of their childhood home, no more homecooked meals, the dog isn't there, academic challenges, etc. They are just trying to look cool in front of you. Big step from being a boy to a young man. It will be OK.

[Bridgestone]

If anybody on this board needs a smack upside their head with a 2x4 its your H.

I am not sure I agree.

I agree with Forrest.. at least he is willing to try things. I may not like how his actions & words still affect me or the R, but he is at least trying. And most of the verbal and all of the physical abuse has stopped.

Is he in the running for president of the DAM's club of America.

Nah... Forrest has assured me he has this wrapped up!

DC was his chance to shine, prove to you that he is the man of your dreams and show you a rocking good time and he blows it.

No DC was about helping realize our son's dream vacation. We didn't get here over night.. going to DC for 4 days was not going to 'rock my world'. Did we have some laughs.. yes.. did we have some fun memories, yes. Was there tension.. yes. Did we each visibly bite our tongues at various points, yes. Did we each look at the other at various points with heartfelt gratitude.. yes.

He will show me how he shines when he makes the hard choices on a daily basis, not when we're on vacation.

He lets you guys fall right back into the same routine that made you move out in the first place.

no that was my choice to feel that way given the situation. I need to reframe my feelings & ask for what I need when that happens. I chose to bite my tongue because I was not sure we could deal with drama on vacation & I didn't want to find out.

I hadn't realized how much I have gotten use to having my 'alone time' and not having to answer to anyone.

Yep.. hard to admit.. but right now it is the truth. I like the independence that the last year has given me. going back in an R, will mean renegotiating what that looks like. Being in close contact for 5 days & 4 nights in DC made this hit home.

I'm Sorry... who is supposed to shine? Last I checked.. it was the person posting here!! If.. for some reason.. you find yourself posting here.. you better learn how to shine.

I give you props.. for trying to find the answer.

And slowly & steadily I'm trying to shine & to answer. Some days & questions are easier than others...Thanks for the help

One of the big things.. I have wanted to say is.. I see the effort on your part.. but I see his lack of.. "Heart". A DAM needs to have some Heart. It will disappear.. when he feels attacked.. or has lost interest.

I know he feels 'attacked' by my telling him what I need (he asks!) and his somewhat improved self-awareness recognizing how little he has done that in the past.

He does however, engage in self-deprication.. even worse than I could do to him if I tried. He is like Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde. one minute the abuse is directed at me, the next at himself.

I have said "I feel.... & I need..." lots of times this past 2.5 weeks and then I have thanked, appreciated, touched, ooo'ed, ahh'ed over the slightest improvement. Those are my efforts that are true to me to this point.

I.. may have missed.. you bending.. and Doing Work. If I did.. can you point it out?

See above... what else would you recommend? I'm open to ideas.

A big part of me.. thinks you stand out too much.

Huh?? I've never been accused of that..

He does not like your C.. that I am.. 99% sure of.

I asked again today on the way up, if this guy was someone he would be comfortable moving forward with once the communciation stuff was done, he hedged.

He likes.. that you stand out.. he just wants you to tone it back some. Call it a "little bit.

Still not sure what this means.. if I stand out (which I'm struggling to understand) how can I be 'less of me'? I felt like I was disappearing the way it was in the old R.

Most of this is directed at Bridgestone.
I am so going to hel*!!

Ahh.. Forrest.. it would take so much more, given what I have taken in my R up to this point to make me feel bad..geez.. you'd think you expected me to run screaming from the boards..." I hate you, I hate you! Forrest"

Thanks for the feedback & encouragement & props for pondering, both of you. Much apprecaited.

Peace
Bridge

[lodo]

No DC was about helping realize our son's dream vacation.

Ahh, youth. How much longer before he realizes it's the Bahamas, not DC?

As far as standing out, I agree with FG. You outshine him to the point he can't see or feel himself anymore. He doesn't feel appreciated for who he is.

lodo