It's where you write down what works and how you achieved it. So times he has really opened up to you look at the situation you were in and what you did to allow that to happen. Also, you can look at times when things didn't work and do the same. It is really good at identifying positive things and sometimes you can find a theme. I've found it really helpful (although it is a bit like homework :-)
Great job on the not asking what he was stressing about - I so would have tried to extract more from my h!
Hi Lea! I wondered what had happened to you, lovely for you to post to me! How strange that we are mirroring one another then. The doc said I had reactive depression but I am loathe to take the pills. Although earlier, I wished I had started on them. Everything just feels so bleak, you know? I'm sorry that you feel that way too, as a consequence of your H leaving.
Gosh, what you said, I hadnt put that in my posts, but I often think exactly the same thing.."He has lost his sparkle in his eyes, the care free laugh he used to have is gone. He's like a shadow of his former self. Sadder and angrier." - I was just thinking back earlier to a time when he was happier and was always laughing and his eyes would sparkle. Now he looks like someone just died, or he can 'turn it on' in front of friends and if he has had a drink. The last time I saw him, he looked agitated and had downcast eyes and was ranting about work and losing his thread, so wierd, he never used to be like that.
He sounds ok on the phone though and the old sweetness creeps back into his voice. Thats so hard to hear!
So have you not had contact for 5 months then? What happened about the house? Hugs to you.
Gee Ali, kick me when I,m down why don't you and I thought we were friends!
Quote:
Then you are very slim for your age though...
Now I deffo need my cocoa and bed.
I forgive you tho. I still remember one of my children asking me if I knew Queen Victoria!
I do yoga and dance but not so much walking now cos of my old fella, but classes all stop for the summer(summer being the operative word). I am standing on my head for a few minutes each day in the hope of reversing gravity so far its not working, guess we'll have to get Lisa to show us the face exercises.
Wow, that sounds hard...we had so much contact before and it seemed to mainly come from him and I never could work out what I did right or wrong, it just seemed pretty random. I wish now I had kept a diary.
I cant help thinking though, as Naej says, and Mishka, I have to take a hint and think, its over. Although, he is in bad shape, which clouds the issue and especially now he hsa been asked to move back near home against his wishes in a matter of weeks (but is totally avoiding it). I wish they would hurry up and tell him when he has to move by. The waiting is doing my head in, neverlone his! I cant believe he said to me on Thrusday night "No news is good news" - they have made their decision already !!! He is obviously hoping for a miracle.
I know Mishka said not to call him, but I am tempted to call him tommorow...probs a bad idea?
sorry Naej!!! Me and my big mouth. It was in direct response to you talking about "middle age spread" and I was saying, well, obviously not if you only weigh that much !! My Mum is your age and she went from 8 and a bit to 9 1/2 or more with the middle age sprea. Mind you, she does no exercise and gorges on cheese.
Oh lordy! Now I feel like quite a heel for suggesting you not call him and to take a hint. I don't want you to think that I'm being negative toward your sitch. I just want you to feel better and I feel that you need to detach completely from him in order to save your sanity.
Much love to you Ali!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Just thinking of you and wanted to see how you're doing.
You know, when I read the exchange with BF I was struck by his repeasted insistence that he's not feeling well/is down. Do you think there's any chance that that's actually what's going on here- he feels bad and is super-stressed about his job, on top of the depression and it's taking it's toll? Just a thought as I didn't read that he thought it was over at all; if that was the case he could just not speak to you and in spite of contact having reduced the past couple of weeks, he's not not speaking to you.
Anyway, I hope you're OK today and that it's not raining too much down there!
Hey Lisa..not been on here all day, just feeling too down, so thanks for your message.
I hear what you're saying. The tone of his voice to begin with (talking about himself and feeling ill/stressed) was grumpy and depressed sounding, as you'd expect. When he spoke about me, his voice became sweet and emphatic, no of course its not you, no I'm not upset/annoyed at you..etc. BUT he can see me as a friend and not be upset/annoyed at me, but still not want me back.
The thing about him not feeling well could be genuine. Or, as Mishka said, he could be making excuses. I also have to remember that he has repeatedly said (when drunk) that its not me, he is mental, crazy, needs to sort himself out, just needs some time...So its not as though he had an OW, or had any issues with me. But, saying, I'm just going to relax, chill, veg...thats all excuses and not saying whats really going on, that he doesnt want to see me/spend time with me anymore, because...?
a. I've been done and you're not, but I cant handle seeing you anymore b. I wasnt sure before, but now I am, I'm done c. I spoke with my BMF and he said/I decided I need to let go and leave you be d. I have been seeing you as I am needy and leaning on you and decided to stop e. I have been seeing you as I felt sorry/responsible for you, but its been 9 months and I have decided to stop and put myself first f. I havent got the capacity for you and your sad face/voice as I feel rubbish g. I feel rubbish and stressed h. I am seeing someone new and dont want to hurt you by saying that
Its very confusing. Some folks here say he's done. My sister said, go dark on him and see if he responds in a few months (although admittedly not practical as we have so many tangled financial issues and I'm anxious about having to remind him again next week to pay some money in). Should I go dark?
My Mum thinks it is over, but that he is very unhappy and who knows what might happen in the future once he has sorted himself out, but...do people really go backwards once they've moved on?
I think it is over, isnt it? Its been over for 9 months, I havent seen him for 4 weekends now, eventhough we are both here. I just looked at where he would have to move and its not a great area and he doesnt like it there. I am sure as you say that he is super stressed about it. Thanks for reading the convo with him again!
Feeling stressed about our house. He has done this and is in the driving seat yet never mentions it. I dont know why he doesnt want to sell up, probably because he cant be bothered to, nothing about me or us. The problem is, as has been the last year, he wont tell me what he's thinking. I could ask him this?
If I had broken up with him and was done..I would have broached selling or buying him out by now. I did own a house with a previous bf and I paid him off within about 3 months of him moving out. Plus I never phoned him to see how he was after 6 months apart. Although I was seeing my current ex by then.
I'm feeling a bit paranoid today that he has met someone else already (unlikely considering his mental state?), I find it hard to believe he would choose to be alone all weekend, thats SO not like him. Unless he has realised he has a drink problem, which I think he has (binge drinking every weekend).
I don't really know what to say- I don't think I have the answers, just opinions, as everyone else who responds has. The only thing that really matters is what you think and what you want to try; no-one else is in your shoes, so no-one else knows the answers.
What I will say is that you have two options. Either
1. Decide it's over (not based on his actions, but on your own, from a place of feeling you've tried everything you can). Then get on and live your life as though it it. No more feelings being tied to what he does, wondering what his actions mean, what he's doing, or where he's going.
2. Decide it's not over until you're ready to give up. Evaluate your options and then try doing something different, which might be either withdrawing or talking to him- you need to decide what to try and to do it without expectations of any particular response on his part. Go dark, or speak to him about his feelings, or be still- there are options available, but you need to decide which to try and in which order. What do YOU think?
I thought it was interesting about you needing to remind him to put money into the account for the mortgage. It reminded me a little of JCJ's interactions with her H and caretaking. I believe her DB Coach said that she needed to stop caretaking this kind of thing, so I wonder if you could do a 180 of some kind here?
If there was OW, would that be a deal breaker for you? And how would it affect your interactions with BF?
If he has realised he has a drinking problema nd is trying to do something about it, that's HUGE. It's going to make his depression more real as he's not covering it up any more. Don't you think? And if he's facing his depression, he might want to be alone and unpressured so he can think on things. A conversation about his R with you might not be what he needs, even if it's what you need..... JMHO.
About the money...there was money in there when he first left, when that was gone, our mortgages bounced (rent doesnt cover them anymore), eventually I paid money in to cover and had to ask for half back. If I remind him, it would be because we cant have any more defaults (its joint names). Its not caretaking of him, its just reality!?? He's paying no attention to it and its very stressful. I dont think he's going to stop drinking though as he told me (sounding reassured) that the Doc said it was ok to drink on his tablets!
If he had an OW, yes that would be it, as that would effectively be his new GF, seeing as we've been split up and he's not been in love with me, as he says, for 9/10 months. Thats moving on proper right?
My BFF says, I have made it this far, I should continue to wait the year, till November, like I said all along I would. So I guess I will do that but need to cope better in the meantime. Its discouraging that he wont deal with me though. Although I did get a couple of emails this week (brief). Its just such massive rejection, its like he's left me twice. I cant believe how much power he has, or I feel he has and how powerless and weak I feel in the face of his actions and rejection of me.
Maybe I should see how it goes this week, if he contacts me to meet up. I guess I shouldnt contact him at all.
Although, its his birthday Thursday and I cant ignore that?
and I thought we were friends!