Organizing my Life

[BeingMe]

Me: 50
H: 46
Married: 22 years Together: 23 years
4 children: D28 (married with 2 children), Twins 21 (B/G), and D15
Bomb: May 2004
Piecing since May 2005
Last Thread to Lock

Another thread locked, and these are the questions and issues that pervade my life at this time:

The wisdom of persevering with the M (how long, and when is it time to quit).
My own uniqueness in the universe, and how to find my own voice.
What is my legacy to the next generation?
How do I live a gratitude-filled life, as opposed to one that is guilt-ridden?
Balancing the roles of my life .... mother, wife, grandmother, friend, co-worker, student, spiritual being, relative, neighbour, and so on.

I think most of us feel and think these things, when they hit their fifties (or thereabouts). It's how one handles it, that will make the difference. At this point, I am coasting in my M, and just trying to enjoy the summer as much as possible. I have a trip to the USA coming up the last 2 weeks of August, visiting my eldest daughter and her family (I cannot wait to see my two grand-daughters). I have just finished a 1.5 weeks job at the local university, where I am on their secretarial casual list. I work a week here, a couple of weeks there, and it suits me very well. In September, I am back at university, full-time, hoping to get my BA at last.

So, I have a full life while pondering the larger growth issues in my life, as well as, spiritual and philosophical questions.

Prof. Randy Pausch (who recently passed away) asked in his book, The Last Lecture, "what makes me unique?" And, this has made me ponder my own uniqueness, and what makes me the person I am? I also then wonder what makes me connected to my fellow humans? Certainly is something to ponder during the last waining summer month. Prof. Pausch gave a lecture from which the book is based, and he felt this was a legacy to his children, so they could see, one day, who their dad was, and how he was perceived by those in his work environment (which was a culmination of his childhood dreams). I wonder, too, what my legacy will be, and what my children and grand-children will remember about me, and what they can learn from my life.

I have often felt guilty over things in my M, and other events, and am at last starting to let that all go, and learning to forgive myself. I also feel so grateful for all the miracles. and gifts that I have in my life. Most of them revolve around my children, but there are friends that I am grateful are in my life. I am also so grateful for this bb, for the beautiful place that I live, for all that I am able to experience, even the challenging times, for that's when we learn the most. I am grateful for my H, who is a good provider, and a good dad. Despite our problems, we are still friends.

My roles in life have been evolving of late, and changing. Sometimes, I find it hard to morph in to these different roles, such as that of 'mom of adult children'. It's all a learning experience, and I think that is what life is all about.

It's all a journey, and all we can do is try and learn, and change, and love, and be authentic and truthful (with ourselves, at the very least). So, with this in mind, let me end this post with a quote:

Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life. ~ Immanuel Kant (1724 - 1804)

[Dr LOve]

Being Me!!!!!

Wow, ya need to take a day off.
I know it's only 4:00am here but that was some heavy reading. I have not even had my coffee yet. Is it really that important to find out "what makes me unique?
I just turned 50 and the only thing I think about is am I where I want to be.
I sure hope I am not still "piecing" 3 years from now. But who knows... as it is I keep saying to my self one more day, one more week.... pretty soon those days and weeks add up.
Take care and if ya come to California stop by...

Dr LOve

[BeingMe]

Mmmm, heavy? Not really! Maybe, it's just the empty-nest syndrome approaching, and I am just wondering what the heck I'm gonna do when I grow up. What can I offer my piece of the world that would be enjoyable to me. I do not want to be one of those meddlin' moms who don't have their own lives, and live vicariously through their kids. I do have the whole summer off, so taking a day off would be too minimal (but, I know what you mean).

Thanks for your thoughts, Dr Love! You sure are an early riser!!! I have never been to California, so thanks for the offer. If you're ever on the westcoast of Canada, give me a shout.

[BeingMe]

Since it's the holidays, I thought I would post a joke (see below). It fits in with my issues regarding communication with my H, and I can tell ya, there are times I would quite understand how the attorney in the joke feels.

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her." Submitted by : Freddy

[Concerned_Listener]

Being,
You continue to spiral upward. I hope your H is working on things in his own way, too.

CL

[WCW]

That joke is a good example of misunderstanding of words. I wonder if the attorney was a female too!

[Phoenix_spark]

Just checking in to see if anything has progressed. Sat yesterday and had lunch with two other D veterans. Perhaps not the best thing to do considering my sitch. What a way to spend my B-day, next week I'll be in Vegas though.

I am kind of getting use to the idea that I have done what I can and will now need to move on. Some ways, being able to be with kids, without a dark cloud hanging over my head, will be a nice change. Not the way I wanted to get there, but there non the less.

[BeingMe]

Some thoughts on my M ....

I am feeling I should just be in the M, and not think about leaving or ending it. And, see where that gets me. Maybe, H feels that I am on my way out, and is putting up fences as a way to self protect?

We are in the process of buying a new house (investment for our retirement, apparently), and I think I need to see us together in the future, and plan for that. If things really don't work, then I think I will know, and I will change my plans accordingly. But, for now, I will just be and take whatever positives I can from the R. I spoke to a friend the other day, who went through a similar sitch ... she said it took her H five years to realise the pain he caused, and to truly reconnect (he was also not interested in ML, and mourned the loss of OW for a fairly long time, etc.), and now he is just a fantastic H ... and they are very happy. She said it took a lot of work, and a lot of patience on her side. She just decided that she did not want to be divorced, and took it from there. They did, however, go to a MC for those many years, which we are not doing.

I am thinking that we should go to retrouville. Or, find a MC around here. We definitely need a third party to help us work on communication, and how we can rebuild the trust.

Anyway, got a load of housework to do, so will leave it at that.

Take care, y'all!

[Concerned_Listener]

Being,
I like the tone of this post--a significant move towards acceptance of the situation as it is today, and a willingness to live the M day by day, and not hold onto emotions based on the past. This will be much better than tolerating things.

It will be interesting to see how it changes patterns in the M.

I'm hopeful.

CL

[BeingMe]

Thanks CL. I am hopeful too, and I thinks that's key ... not to lose hope of things being better, and different. You have certainly summed up my plan in a more succinct way.