"Men somehow see what needs to be done ,when we are letting our emotions run amuck, and find solutions."
LOVE you, Ali.
Gotta admit tho. Half the time, I don't understand what you're talking about with your "abbreviations." I'm still learning them. I have go look a couple of them up, ones you just used.
(((((((((Ali, Mark, Neil, and, of course, I can't forget TwinDad))))))))))
((((((((Wifey, Stella, SG, Max, OD, Arthur, Bear, Nik and everyone else I might have missed))))))))))))))
I feel extremely blessed. And, ya know what? I'm starthing to believe my H really DOES still love me, in some sort of weird/abnormal/strange way.
ok Poet, I am gonna say this again, but I wont repeat myself too many times here :
1. Stop calling him. 2. Stop cooking for him. 3. Stop making your ear available to him. 4. Stop babying him.
Take your damn dignity back and detach.
He asked you to call him back, and then he baited you into an argument, and then YOU ended up looking like the bad guy. He is unconsiously sabotaging your relationship to ease his guilt - stop taking the bait and stop letting him do that.
Any interaction you should have should leave him feeling MORE like reconciling than LESS, but that's not what is happening, and its him baiting you into the damage and YOU taking the bait. Stop it.
The list of activities you put there was mostly about your relationship, moving back home, etc. How on earth is cooking dinner for your husband getting a LIFE? Sorry I dont want to be mean here, but are you reading what you are writing? That get a life list is "move back closer to husband so I can pursue him more" list.
The only valid one in there was the swimming, the dog, and the movies...and movies are passive, GAL actions should be active to keep you moving and stimulated.
Sorry, but the rest of that is pursuit and you moving back into your home, which I do reccomend, but its not you getting a life.
I think you need to read the GAL section from DR again and then look atyour list and ask yourself if you are bieng totally honest here.
Hypnotist? No, you need DISTRACTIONS, and swimming is the only one you have offered yourself. And TWO WEEKS is NOT enough TIME to GAL, it should be done for several months before you look for a response from your spouse.
Let me get this right :
1. You move back into your home, hide your things there, spend most of your time doing and thinking about how your breathe and movement will affect your husband. 2. Then you call him up and criticize him for not recongizing all the wonderful changes in yoruself you have made over the last mere two weeks?
How many times have you gone swimming?
Stop babying that overgrown child and find some fun for yourself my dear, or you will completely drive him away.
You are throwing a pillow of panic over his face every move you make. Knock it off he's stressed enough as it is.
You want to make YOU a STRESS FREE FUN person to be around, you want to be something that EASES his stress, not aggravates it.
My guess is if he asked you to sleep with him right now you would give in to that too. YOU need to take your life back and show him you are be fun to be around and that HE is not the beginning and the end of your world. THAT will take a load off his mind.
I am sorry poet, and I applaud your moving back in. Its hard to do, and a little scary, but you just keep dodging his bullets.
Be casual, don't panic if he asks, just tell him what you have been saying, but DONT INSULT HIM. Your reply sounded a BIT insulting and we dont want to do that either.
Just say I am here when i want to be here and elsewhere when I want to be elsewhere. That's more or less what you have beeen saying so far, which is excellent.
Stop doing his laundry, stop cooking his meals, stop calling him, stop treating him like some big baby. If you treat him like a baby he will act like one. Treat him like an adult and he will act like one...eventually.
You are NOT detaching. You are pursuing and deluding yourself.
Once he stops with this divorce idea THEN you can START to do some nice things like cooking him a dinner, but as long as he is moving AWAY FROM YOU, then you need to let him do that and work on yourself.
Get a Life, simply put is your classic "24 days to live" scenario.
Imagine you just went to your doctors office and he says you have less than one month to live. Is this what you will do with those 24 days?
Originally Posted By: poet
1. Going to church with and without friends. 2. Renting a storage unit. 3. Applied for a job half as far away from home. 4. Driving to work two hours a day and back two hours for two weeks. 5. Borrowing my H's truck three times and virtually moving in back home (with help from one man in each place - called Angels of Mercy - it's a church thing). 6. Talking to my pastor. 7. Cleaning up the apt. and getting electricity and water shut off. (I'm all moved out now. That was very stressful on me because I was working a full day and then going to the apt. to move and clean, and then driving home two hours). Ugh! 8. Watching movies, but not really getting into them. (I watched the "Bank Job" last night). 9. Eating out a lot and cooking dinners for myself and H too. (I leave them for him, and sometimes he bites, and sometimes he does not). 10. Playing with the dog. 11. Swimming 12. Reading DB stuff on the here mostly and in some of the books. 13. Unpacking and hiding some of my things around the house. (I think this might be what you're calling a "subtle" hint. H did notice the bike, if you remember from an earlier post. 14. And last but not least; just yesterday, I got a call from the mgr. of that job I applied for closer to home. I have an interview on Thursday, my day off.
Seriously...you have one month to live and this is what you have to show the man upstairs?
Go skydive Go run a marathon Go dancing Go Horseback riding Go fly a kite Go to a kareokee bar and sing your heart out Go buy yourself a new wardrobe Go to Tahiti Go plant a tree Go join the theatre
That is getting a life, this person here knows how to live, they understand that living without breathing is a tragedy and they dont' waste a minute of it.
THAT is the cool person that your husband would want to be around, and that is a person that won't give a damn if their husband is having an affair and his head is all messed up.
That is where you are aiming my dear...your list is a bit short of that.
Note : I haven't done all of these either, its a sample. I did start guitar lessons, I did join a theatre part time, I did plant a tree, I did take dance lessons, and I did buy myself a new wardrobe. It feels GREAT.
I think I get the point. Maybe I'll go horseback riding next Sunday. I'm not sure about the skydiving. I did do a little bit/well a lot of gambling a couple of months ago when the bomb dropped. That didn't make me feel good tho.
I did go to the movies. I have bought some new clothes. I'm just now settling into the home, and now I have a tough job interview coming up. Other than that, I'll soon have a good time of it, OK?
I gotta tell ya tho, this is the opposite of what I've been told. I've been told to be loving to him. I see this as another 180 from what I've been told to do. Yikes! My head is now spinning. Maybe I'll take the dog to the beach in a couple of weeks. I only have a whole weekend off once a month.
You gave me good advice. I've been known to be neglectful of my H in the past, during our M. So, I see this as a bit more of the same. But, I'll take this as another turn in the road. Thank you for your advice. I feel much stronger now than I did this morning.
poet P.S. Maybe I'll go "buy" a kite! P.S.S. I did sing my heart out this morning. Amazing Grace, TD. And it sounded purdy dern good!
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Being LOVING to him does not mean treat him like an infant.
It means don't say anything hurtful.
And you can be loving for a while, but if it pushes him away, which it appears to be doing, then you need to distance yourself.
He has complained about all the calls, he has complained about you being at your house often, he clearly finds your presence difficult for him. Smothering him is NOT going to help you, so LOVING in this sense is subject to some interpretation.
Sorry, but being loving sometimes means hurting someone. Read the articles I posted to you. The second one in particular. The first one may not be all that relevant, but it was important that you know it.
I have just read the second article twice. The first time, I laughed halfway through it. (Probably nervous laughter because I could sense what was coming). Then, I cried through the second half.
After reading it the second time, I realized "This is *tough love.*" I've done this *tough love* before, with other people who I sponsored in step groups. I've never done it with someone I love. It's going to be incredibly hard, but - with coaching and direction - I think I can.
Thank you for your insight. How do you find these apprapo articles? I'll read the first one tomorrow.
goodnight and God bless. poet P.S. I'm not an idiot. I'm just a hard-headed woman.
