Advice from my DB coach #3

[NikB]

Sounding good, Poet!

I agree about the dog - hey maybe you can use him as your gauge to how well you're doing "acting as if."

Is the breathing stuff helping with the shakiness?

[poet]

Afternoon, Nik,

I just joined the other "group" today. Thanks!

Yes, the breathing stuff helps. I'll post more on this later.

Hugs to all,
poet

[NikB]

You're welcome! I'll loook for you.

[sgctxok]

Hi sweetie...


Moving back in is not for the faint of heart. (Have you talked with your coach recently?)


So no drama.


You did an AMAZING job with this last interaction....I am very very proud of you.


Don't worry about overanalyzing him. Just keep doing things as well as you just did them.

[poet]

You are NOT going to believe this. He and I have only talked today about the dog. I was going to call him last night because buddy has been shaking his ears and I was worried about him. I did not call him. He called me instead. LOL. That's when the last phone convo took place -- the convo where he said he's not going to go for the deal.

Believe it or not, I have another trick up my sleeve. I just got a call from the mgr. at a library only an hour away. I have an interview on Thurs. YEAAAAAH!

Anyway, H told me to leave the dog's ears alone and he'll deal with it next time he sees buddy. "You'll only hurt him," he said. Jeeesh! Am I a DAFemale or what? My vet taught me how to clean out a dog's ear YEARS ago, so I did it anyway. H just doesn't know it. Buddy's not shaking his head anymore and he seems happier. H thinks I'm inept. Too bad he has such a low opinion of me. Perhaps that's a contributor to my recent panic attacks and bad behavior. I'm doing much better now.

hugs to all.
poet

P.S. I called for a coach appt. for today, but she was full. The secretary said she would let me know if anything opens up. Why? Do you have any pull there? Just wondering.

[Frank V]

Hi Poet, I will give this thread a read and offer input son. Thank you for the invitation to your thread.

[poet]

Saturday, August 02, 2008

OK, here is the post that I promised TwinDad yesterday. He asked me if I was saying I had major problems, or if I was saying I didn’t

Here is my answer:

Nik helped me to put this into a little bit of a perspective, when she told me to look for short breathtaking signs in my behavior. Yes, I was having panic attacks, but there is more to it than that.

About a month ago, I was in the crying, desperate, pleading stage with my H. I would be at work or at my apt. 120 miles away from home and feeling totally powerless and helpless to change/fix my sitch with him. He was distancing himself continually and on a regular basis, and I was becoming more and more distressed. I found myself in a panic state, and I couldn’t/ didn’t understand it because I cannot ever remember feeling this way, except maybe once, after my first divorce, but for totally different reasons.

Anyway, I went to the doctor, who prescribed Zoloft, Xanax AND sleeping pills, which I was taking all three and never took drugs before. I then tried to stop the Xanax because I heard they were addictive, and I do not want to go there. I started having even more severe panic attacks at this time. And, these are the reasons: 1. I was withdrawing from Xanax. 2. I was ALLERGIC to the Zoloft and started having allergic reactions, which included but were not limited to, itching dry skin and red blisterery rash-like symptoms, hives, nervousness, headaches etc.

I figure enough out to stop them ‘cold turkey’ last week sometime. But, in the meantime, my sitch was just getting worse and worse. I was calling H constantly. He did not understand my physical or my mental state at the time, and he was freaking out too. In fact, I learned from my attorney, that his attorney told my attorney that I called him at work “30 times.” I’m sure he plans to use this info to strengthen his case. I hope I can mitigate it with my explanation here.

Anyway, to make matters worse, I began shaking and falling apart mentally BECAUSE I went off the meds cold turkey. I wasn’t myself for a long time. I’m just starting to feel more confident. I still have the shakes a little, but the stronger I am at resisting the Xanax, the better I am becoming. My skin is SOOOOOOO dry, right now. It's like I'm peeling from sunburn or something. I've always had good sking and I'm a little upset about this. I hope that it is just healing and there is no more to it than that.

These are the things I feel that have contributed to my problems at hand. I hope you do not look at me in a different light. It is not my normal self. I’ve always been pretty much independent and confident and useful to society.

Cheers,
Suzanne

"...independent and confident and useful to society." WOW! Did I just say that? Hmmm, I guess I do have some positive traits.

[Frank V]

ok, one quick thing to add here Poet :

1. What are you doing for yourself? I see a LOT of talk here a bout your relationship, but I don't see or read about you doing anything other than hovering around your H or wondering what he's doing when H is not being hovered around?

My advice is that you find THREE things to do with yourself. These three things must be physically active things, not reading, or anything that will allow you to get lazy and let your mind wander to unpleasant places.

a. Go swimming
b. Go biking
c. Join a jogging club
d. Learn karate
e. volunteer at a vet clinic

There a a million things you can do with your time. This will give your mind a chance to rest and reduce your stress. What I found was when I started doing something other than worry about my relationship, I found I was less anxious, less exhausted, and less stresed out. My relationship did'nt change, but I did. Its therapy that does NOT dry your skin out, try it.

2. I am not sure about all the phone calls. I sense your H is feeling anger, guilt, stress, fear, anxiety, etc. If he thinks that therapy takes eight months for a positive response he's misinformed. Tell him there are weekend retreats couples can go to that turn things in a positive direction in just days.

3. His problem is he's miserable, so all he sees is hopelessness everywhere. YOU need to bring that hope to him. You need to show him that he will feel better being around you rather than worse. This is a hard one to pull of, but it can help tremendously.

4. I think we need to do some one eighties here. your husband sounds like he thinks he has everything all figured out. I think if you throw him a few unexpected curve balls this may shock him a bit. He's kidding himself if he thinks divorce is a less destructive and much quicker solution to his pain. It will take him a LOT LONGER to get over you and his marital failures using his route alone than it would with you and a good marital therapist. Find some ways to shock him, show him you are a different person. You are reading like you are pursuing him and that will NOT help you.

5. I think you need to create some distance here. You are phoning him all the time, and telling him everything you are doing, reporting your whole day. He has no need to think or worry or FEEL for you at all. You are telling him you are all ok and he doen'st have to worry, so he can set his thoughts of you aside. You don't want this, you WANT him thinking about you, you WANT him to be working on his feelings for you. You need to give him a reason to look for that right now. You detaching would help a lot there.

Just tell him you are dealing with some problems, but you are working on them, and don't talk to him about it, change the subject. Also, talk on the phone a lot, laugh with someone on the phone and don't tell him who it was. Just say "it wasn't anyone you know" and leave it there.

You need to shake his world up a bit, he's way too comfortable. Do the one eighties, distance yourself a bit, go have some fun and do some things for yourself. Avoid his questions he's using to ease his guilt. Let him beat himself up a bit...you are taking his hands away from him and telling him you are fine...stop it. Let him beat himself up. Give him a LOT o fmixed signals. He's way too comfortable...shake up his world so he has to pursue you.

[stella_k]

Hi ((((Suzanne))))!

There is nothing I can add to Mark's excellent post, so I'm just letting you know that I'm thinking of you.

I'm glad you've made it home; now hang in there, you've changed a lot already, keep up the good work.

(((((HUGS)))))

[Neilh23]

not at all. i've been watching your thread....just really don't have anything insightful to add....actually, i've been posting on other people's threads a bit.....thought you were getting some really good advice..

don't worry, i'm still here!!! :-)