I just assumed the desperate part from his behavior--the separation, the divorce, the attempts not to see you face-to-face. I see the divorce as his last-resort desperation move to make some change, any change.
Have you ever been stuck in cramped position for a long time, and the cramping and the pain build up to the point where you can't take it, but you can't get up and stretch out? What do you do? You shift in whatever way you can. It doesn't fix anything and you know it's not going to fix anything, but it's a change. Anything that's different from what you're going through is better than nothing. That's what he's doing; changing for the sake of change.
This might all be projection on my part, because divorce was my last-last resort, the thing I swore I'd never do. So if I were in his shoes, doing what he's doing, it could only be from desperation. But he's not me, so again, be careful taking advice from me.
Looks like you're getting lots of good support and advice here - glad to see it!
One thing about telling him "what you're doing" - yes, I agree to call him and keep it light and casual. Along those lines, don't share TOO much about what you're doing. Leave a little mystery, and don't share more about your life than he's willingly sharing about his.
For example.. if he's not telling you where he is, what he's doing, and who with - he doesn't get that much detail from you. Where were you last night? Out with friends.. at the movies.. whatever it is that you did. Don't lie, just be vague and not too detailed.
From your post to me - I also wanted to let you know - there's no loophole on the site by which you can share your email address. However, there are a number of people from here who've joined Facebook, if you care to look for us. I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to share here, but if you look for an unusual user name (i.e. Kalni Sunshine) you should be able to find the group.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Why do I feel like I'm sinking in quicksand? Quickly. I know I'm not supposed to panic, and I'm trying really hard. Can't cry at work. Can't scream into my pillow p
Question: you mentioned that you know of people who came back from worse conditions than I have right now. Please tell me some more about this. I'm sorry if I'm sounding desperate, but I'm really scared.
you gotta calm down sweetheart...seriously...you are going to be OK. believe it. Can you go for a walk or something? Just to get out? Go to the bathroom and splash cold water on your face? Something to shake that feeling off of you.....
Panic Kills. Don't Panic.
Whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger.
Believe those statements...cause they are both true.....
relax
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
Look at the positives. Your H hasn't filed yet....he may do so he may not. I think what I said is that pretty much everyone at this board has had the same feelings that you are having. I know I have. I litteraly spent months crying at work.....basically "silent screaming" all day long. I spent the days hoping to have any sort of contact what so ever. I spent the evenings taking her emotional temperature (when she was home....when she wasn't she would get in at 2AM and say she didn't want t go home) and forget about her actually returning one of my calls! I was told things like "I'm done.....I love you but I am not in love with you......this has been coming down for a long time......that was the last straw......when I make up my mind that is all there is to it......You are the same and I have changed.....someone else would be better for you......I'm miserabe.....I don't want to come home" I begged, I pleaded, I tried to reason, I talked non-stop about the R, I snooped, I paniced, I tried to get her to go to counseling, I tried to get her to go to church, I became self righteous about my R views. Any of this sound familiar?
This was all before reading DR. All the above just lead to one thing.....that was definitely separating. After reading DR, I decided I could do this, I gained confidence, I took ownership of my own actions and faults, I realized I could do this on my own, and that regardless of what happened I was going to be ok and a better person.
This isn't to say there isn't work to do....there was plenty and always will be to some degree. Accepting your current state is key, finding ways to find peace is key in the beginning. If you read through any of the first threads for LBS you would probably find a lot of the first paragraph in any of their sitches.....if you read through any sitch that is steadily improving you will find a lot of the second paragraph.
((((((Poet)))))) we have all been or are in the same boat.....you are nt alone in this. If you want some inspiration then read some of the success stories. I believe there is a list of them in one of the forums (MLC I think). MY inspiration came from Diehards success story...find it read it....it gives hope through some pretty dark circumstances and is relativey new
Hang in their Sweetie, you will be ok
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Accepting your current state is key, finding ways to find peace is key in the beginning.
SO true.
What can you do to help find some peace today?
Quote:
Question: you mentioned that you know of people who came back from worse conditions than I have right now. Please tell me some more about this. I'm sorry if I'm sounding desperate, but I'm really scared.
I'd say darn near everyone on this site has felt the way you're feeling right now.
I wish I could find my posts from Oct - Dec 06 (right after the bomb), so you could see the difference. I found some starting January 07 but those are after the worst of it had subsided a little bit. Not to upset you, but so you could read "then and now" and know you'll be OK.
The shakiness might be something more than just nerves, too. You're probably hyperventilating or overbreathing. Yes, you can do this without even KNOWING you are doing it. Please, please take measures NOW to avoid it. I've been there, done that, and I don't ever want anyone to go through that! Please take a look at these links: http://www.healthline.com/adamcontent/hyperventilation http://www.bp.edu/What%20can%20you%20do.pdf
And see if any of these symptoms apply to you. If they do, work hard NOW to remedy them. The PDF gives great, great tips. Breathing too shallow but too rapidly, taking frequent deep breaths to try to relax yourself, not exhaling completely - all of those are things that I was doing and did not know it. The PDF gives some great tips to help recognize it.
My symptoms started off as feeling kinda shaky, then I started getting these bizarre muscle cramps in my hands. My thumb and forefinger would form a "u" shape and I literally couldn't stop it (and trust me I wanted to, having the muscle locked up like that hurt!). That happened a few times but never got worse and I had no clue what it was - I blamed all the typing I do. Then I had the full on anxiety attack. OMG.. I was at a hair salon and I actually thought I was going to die. My whole body was convulsing and all my muscles locked up, I was curled up in a ball in the chair and literally couldn't stop it. Of course, that led me to REALLY hyperventilate, making the symptoms worse, etc. Viscious cycle. When it very first started I asked them to call my H, but it got worse so fast I said nevermind I need help NOW, call an ambulance. This came and went for HOURS in the ER.. it sucked! What ended up fixing it... the old trick you thought was only in the movies - breathing very deliberately into a paper bag for about half an hour.
Not meaning to hijack and definitely not meaning to scare you, but please take this seriously and work on getting those nerves/shakes under control.
((((Poet)))))
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
PS - thanks for the note "you know where." I wonder if you sent it to someone else as I didn't see it?
If it was to Kalni - that's not actually me, just a more easily identifiable name there. If you go through her friends list you'll see lots of familiar names including mine. I'll look for you too.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
SG found my early posts - so if you're curious, feel free to read them. They're on page 1 of my current thread (linked in my signature).
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Thank you all for talking to me, and trying to help me through this. I gotta say, tears are streaming down right now. I'm a mess, but I'll try to answer some of what ya'll are saying to me and some of what I experienced when I got home tonight.
First, TD, yes, it all sounds familiar gosh dern it! I have to drive two hours again to work in the morning but I have off saturday (thank God), so I'll try to get to that thread you were talking about. Thanks so much for your support. You have no clue how much I appreciate you and need your words. ((((hugs))))
Neil, Shucks! You called me sweetheart. I've not hear that in YEARS. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am calming down, I go through spurts at work because I don't want to be there. I really don't know how I'm making it through. I'm sure my boss is not happy.
Nik, I have to say, it took me a LOOOOONG time to scroll back to whatever thread this is below, and I'm sure it's not at the beginning, but I got to the part below, and could not read any further. I'm sick about the cell phone business.
If you're at all familiar with my sitch, I caught him coming out of the driveway of our house on June 13th and ran out of the house. He literally ran me out of the way with his truck and then I followed them. Later, the next day (or week - can't remember) He said, "maybe it's good that you found out." And I said, "A lot of people get to this point and make it work out. We can still make it work if you'll get rid of that girl." And he said, "Yeah, but I don't want to." (he meant he didn't want to get rid of her, and he still has her).
So, your paragraphs below really make me cry. Maybe this cry is good for me. I'll see if there is an easier, faster way to get to your beginning so I can read some of it. Thanks for the connection.
As far as me, I got home from work at 8:30 p.m. I had to go to the apt and finish up the cleaning, mopping etc. and leave another month's rent for the landlord, who said if I didn't she would hold me liable until Dec.
Anyway, when I got home, there was a note on the counter from H. He has been here. The note said, "I fed Buddy tonight (thurs). and he signed his name. There were dirty clothes in the laundry. He likes to leave them for me for some reason. And I like doing them for him. He also left three rolls of bathroom (you know what I mean) paper. So, that was nice, I guess.
So anyway, his dark clothes are in the wash now, and I added to his note. "Thanks for feeding Buddy. I really appreciate it. You've got some clean clothes in the livingroom." If I'm not exhausted in the morning, I'll do his lights too.
Gotta get some rest. The panic stuff is livable. My doc started me on Celexea, which I've only taken twice. I was allergic to Zoloft, which started all the panic and hives and red itchy, dry very dry, skin and other reactions, which H took as my going crazy, I'm sure.
Anyway, give me a week, and if I'm not allergic to it, too, I'll be back together again, finally.
Anyway, I love you all.
poet (will explain the change too at some point).
P.S.
Below is Nik's paragraphs that I was talking about above. night to all
"As for the cell phone - NO they don't need to use them at work. But, his answer made sense, and I don't think it'll happen again. A little back story is I found out that H did talk to her briefly on Sunday (first time they'd had phone contact in a month). She called because she was all upset about finalizing the D details and dividing up the rest of the stuff with her H, and wanted to talk. Which means I was wrong in my assumption that he had initiated contact. He did add her back to his phone list, but he didn't initiate the call. The Sunday call was a minute and a half long - he said he basically listened for a minute then told her he was sorry but that he couldn't help her (wow.. that blew me away).
Fast forward to work on Tuesday. A bunch of the mechanics were trying to find her because there was a problem in the parts dept and they needed her help, no one could find her, and someone said they had seen her walk away crying. Guys being guys all of them heard "crying woman" and went "Well I'm not calling her!" H is the only one "close" to her (other than her boyfriend who refused to call), so H called to find out where she was and if she was coming back to work. The call was only about 15 seconds.
The calls after work that same day, the ones I saw come in, were weird. He kept insisting he hadn't called her and she hadn't called him, which got us looking at the phone log. He was really scratching his head when he saw the calls - seemed very honestly confused. He kept pulling up the call details and such, and it turns out the calls were 0 seconds long. Huh?? So it's like they came in long enough to pop up on the screen, but they weren't really calls. I don't get what happened and neither does H, but I believe him that it's just some weird technology glitch (not unheard of for his phone). And as I said to him also, it doesn't really matter - the point isn't what happened with the past calls, the point is letting him know how much their contacting each other hurts me. Which he seemed to already be aware of, actually - made me feel pretty good since he used to act like I was over-reacting to their friendship/contact."
