Remember, you can only control YOUR actions, not his. Don't respond negatively....respond with caring indifference..... say to your H "I'm surprised you didn't come home to feed (dog's name)" and leave it at that. Gauge the sitch. by putting the dogs name in, it makes it a little personal. The only reason you would bring this up tho, is if he brings up why he didn't come home......you don't want to make him feel guilty.
make sense?
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
Thank you for responding. This, I wanted to tell you last night, but it got too late. No sooner did I post that H wasn't home last night, and I was on the computer at this Web site, when I heard the key in the lock. It was 10:50 p.m. H used to be asleep by this time every night for the duration of our marriage.
In fact, he was in bed by dark, sometimes as early as 7 p.m. but mostly by 8 p.m. every night. So, coming home in his work clothes was extremely unusual.
Anyway, I was surprised and immediately got off the computer and wiped out the history just in time, before he stepped into the computer room. I jumped up and faced him and said, 'in a neutral tone, bear, "You're home." No positives, no negatives. He was ... um distressed, using his whiney voice said, "Yes, but I'm not staying because you're here. Why can't you at least tell me when you're going to be here so I can know whether to be here to feed "Buddy?"
Me: You told me you wanted to leave you alone? H: I have laundry that I wanted to do and everything. Me: There is some clean laundry for you on the fireplace. (That's where he likes me to leave it). H: Are you coming home every night now? Me: Whenever I want to. H: Do you still have your job? Me: Yes. H: Where, are you still at the same place or are you working somewhere else? Me: Same place (He's told me in the past that he will serve me at the apt. or at work. I can only conjecture that he's getting ready to serve me and it will be at work.) H: I'll come back and get it in the minute. He leaves and goes outside, probably to make a phone call. Me: I'm extremely tired and go to bed. H: Comes back in a few minutes later. I can hear him puttering around in the kitchen. Then he comes into the bedroom. H: "Hiding again, you can't even tell me/talk to me." (not sure what exactly was said here). Me: It's late. H: I know. Me: I'm tired. I was going to bed. H: You're not even going to turn the lights off. Me: I was going to let you do that since you're still here. H: Fine. He goes out and comes back into the house again with his dirty clothes. As he was leaving, he was on the phone AGAIN. I was very calm throughout the whole exchange. When he was in the bedroom talking to me, he was walking away from me rubbing his head. He does that sometimes. Not sure why and it doesn't really matter, I guess.
Bear, yes, he's told me that he's miserable. But, he always adds that he'll be "...happy when this is all over 'you'll see'".
End of story. It's really over. No hope here. Any comments?
It is good that you kept your cool and it was a fairly neutral exchange which must have been a nice change for both of you. Don't give up hope....you are not anywhere where many others haven't gone and saved their M. Even if he files it is still not over.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Poet- Twindad is right...don't ever give up hope. we have all felt hopeless at one point. Remember, you are the one responsible for your happiness....don't let his mood/actions effect you. I know it's hard..believe me, i know!!...but you are on the right path.
you did good to keep yoru cool yesterday
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
Forgot to tell you something. When he was in the bdroom talking to me, he said, "you can't even call me and tell me when you're coming home so I can know what to do with dog.
I said, You told me to "leave" you alone. He said, at least once or twice a day so I know what you're doing?
Also, I called him this morning when he was "with his boss" and he reiterated the same thoughts. He wants me to call him one or two times so he can know where/what I'm doing and for the dog. That's all.
I don't want to do this. I'm thinking what all ya'll have been telling me not to call him. I told him this morning that he was confusing me. He said, again, not every five minutes, once or twice so I can know when you are home, dog "something is wrong" etc. I think he was being "nice" in front of his boss.
I'm confused as to what to do. Do I call or don't call? Help.
What I have said in the past is don't use the "going dark" as a weapon and be so litteral in it.....that will hurt you and the R. Your H is giving you specific informaiton on what he expects. He wants to touch base with you a couple times a day.....that is great. He doesn't want you to call 50 times in a day (that is very smoothering at the least). Make the couple phone calls a day, it could be these little "no pressure" conversations that get you too back to somewhat a normal state.
When you say something like "you told me to leave you alone", it is taken by him as being "well do you want me to call you or not, obviously you want me to call you" and comes off somewhat spiteful. It almost comes across as "you wanted to know what life is like without me, here is what is like, you don't like it do you". I don't think this approach is going to bring you closer to your goal.
I understand how this can be confusing. What your H is asking for is space.....loving space.....he also loves you and wants to make sure you are ok. His wanting space means, give him the couple phone calls a day....make them pleasant, don't bring up the R, the D, any issues....he doesn't want any pressure from anyone. He wants sopmeone that is going to call a coupe times a day and make some small talk. If you continue to pressure then you are going to complete the pushing him out of your life.
You have proven you can be calm around him, then making these phone calls should be pretty easy. The more you do them the more natural they will be.
Leave the R out of it....just be a casual friend.....and don't panic
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
If he was so sure divorce would make him happy, he wouldn't have to repeat himself. That's not to promise you that he won't be happy after a divorce, but he doesn't actually know that will happen. He sounds like he's desperate to do something, anything, and divorce is the thing he hasn't tried yet.
Don't freak out if he serves you. Desperate people make snap decisions. They do things you know, watching, that they're going to regret in the morning. I'm not a marriage expert, but I've been dealing with scared, desperate people for a long time.
This is all just my conjecture, you understand. I don't actually know what's happening. Be careful about placing any authority in what I say.
I would not say that repeating himself makes him desperate. Repeating a dubious assertion is commonly something people do when they're unsure. It's reassuring to them. It's the same behavior as the "affirmations" that pop psychologists tell people to do--you know, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me." Repeat it to yourself enough and you start to believe it.
He's telling himself over and over that he's going to be happy if he can just stick it out and get as far as the divorce. He's struggling just like you are, just not in the same ways, and he needs to tell himself that the struggle will be worth it in the end.
IF this is true (and again, this is just a WAG from somebody who doesn't know you!) then he's not saying it to hurt you. He's saying it even though it hurts you because he needs to hear it said again.
