Losing, in a curious way, is winning.

[Bridgestone]

Kalni,
thanks for stopping by & reading. It's comforting to know others out there have my back

my bosses ask me about people and what I think of them before they agree to something... Well, didn't help me much with my H but still, good to know there more of us out there (weird music playing).

my bosses ask me as well!!

I sit on a lot of interviewing committees for new hires because I get a read on people quickly and pick up nuances of things that either 'fit' or don't fit what they are telling us.

Bridge

[Bridgestone]

How about pegging someone as good or bad the minute you meet them? That is a nack of mine that over the years has a pretty high percentage of being spot on.

oh yeah... maybe not the minute but within a few of talking and interacting with them. I've been called judgemental because of it, but what is that book that is 'hot' right now about making snap decisions? in a blink or something like that? talks about going with your gut feeling when making decisions.

Not sure if that is always applicable to DB and reacting to emotion, but how do you explain to someone else..

"I just had a feeling about that or that or them..." and acted accordingly??

Thanks for stopping by!
Bridge

[Bridgestone]

My personal thought is that you two are focusing on "fixing" it at the break down point or before the break down point. I kinda think maybe you should just let the communication break.. and then take to your corners.

And by take to your corners do you mean in the boxing ring? Because that is usually where we go when communications break down. That is harmful to the R., feeds my fears & I pull further & further away, makes him feel like a failure so he pushes harder to 'fix it'. ugg...

or do you mean let it break down and go "opps!! We need to take a break come back when we can do it better" ??

by having space, thinking time, processing time, energy rebuilding time to have my confidence to state what I wanted outloud in the room

I understand that this is about changes you are making. We may drift apart here on this thought. The changes you make.. need to have a mindset of making both "people" happy. I mean the goal is to make the R better. So within the setting of DB.com.. you need to understand.. and I think you do.. something that works for you.. may not be so clear to the other person. The other person may.. see it as more of the same with cherries on top. The idea is to pull yourself out.. and in doing so they run along behind you. Someone used a dancing analogy once.. you can ask for someone to dance.. and leave the option for them to say yes or no.. or you can say nothing and hold your hand out.. and leave the option for them to say yes or no. You don't need to understand.. why they said yes or no.

I'm still ruminating on this one... I'm struggling to see how that fits my sitch? I'm suppose to make the changes that are good for me, doing what I need to do that is healthy for me, with the intentions of making us both happy??

If that is what you are saying, then as someone who is struggling with co-dependent issues.. that is a very narrow line for me to walk. I'm getting better, but I know I'm not there yet.

OR is it that

I'm suppose to work on me for the good of the R and hope he runs along behind working on himself??

Sorry if I'm being dense here.. I'm seeing a glimmer of light of understanding with this after thinking about it for a few days since you posted it. Just asking for some more clarification.

Thanks for your help & insight!

Bridge

[Forrest Gump]

And by take to your corners do you mean in the boxing ring?

Not really. But.. you just may have made my case more clear.

Because that is usually where we go when communications break down. That is harmful to the R., feeds my fears & I pull further & further away, makes him feel like a failure so he pushes harder to 'fix it'. ugg...

Because the communication.. becomes a fight. Fair enough. You walked into it thinking it would be a fight.. right? Gotta get your "gumption" up. It is that second guessing.. that expectation.. that gets you. You may walk into this.. whole communication thing.. with your gloves up. You gotta expect some fight will come your way. You don't want the fight.. It makes you WA. Leaves you feeling.. exactly the way you thought you would.

"Corners"

I like the preparing part.. get ready for battle. The thing most people miss is the "faking out" that comes from the "corner dance".. Some people sit.. some people dance around.. some people turn their backs. The other side can't see the preparation that came from knowing their opponent. That guy standing in the corner knows every move the other guy can make.. and is prepared to counteract what he knows is coming.

In RL we can't act like that.. we can be prepared.. but not for the fight. We need to be prepared to shut the fight down. I fail at it to. I don't always get it right. I expect you will to.

You are on the right track.

or do you mean let it break down and go "opps!! We need to take a break come back when we can do it better" ??

There is no "opps" to it.. you know it is going to break.. so that leaves us with...

We need to take a break come back when we can do it better.

Right here.. is where things need to change. Hence the little "pocket trick" I suggested.

I'm supposed to make the changes that are good for me, doing what I need to do that is healthy for me, with the intentions of making us both happy??

Is that what you want.. For both of you to be happy?

This is a walk of you.. I understand that.. and I don't want to take away from it. But.. if you want "things" to be better.. then YES.. 110% to the question you just asked me. And I get to use my catch phrase.. You posted.. you got my vote. Thats all that matters.

If that is what you are saying, then as someone who is struggling with co-dependent issues.. that is a very narrow line for me to walk. I'm getting better, but I know I'm not there yet.

How fine is the line I am walking now.. with you? Trust me.. I am applying myself.

You don't need him to be the best you can be. You want him to see the best you can be. Am I wrong?

I'm supposed to work on me for the good of the R and hope he runs along behind working on himself??

Is this not a somewhat redundant question. If he can see the best in you.. would he not follow? And if he did not.. what did you loose? What if he already knows you are the best.

Sorry if I'm being dense here.. I'm seeing a glimmer of light of understanding with this after thinking about it for a few days since you posted it. Just asking for some more clarification.

I knew you were a thinker. I am too. I think about stuff all the time.. it gets out of control at times. The thing you may not have seen was.. I did not push the issue.. I waited for you to come to me. I knew that one day.. we would talk. I made sure that I was on solid ground... and made my approach. I did not know what you would say.. I just knew "something" would happen.


You are smart.. and yet cautious.

Sometimes you think too far ahead.

If you lead a bit.. I think he will follow you.

[lodo]

hey bridge,

Nothing to add - Just saying hi - hope you're doing okay.

What did you do today?

[smartcookie]

The house noise is the same thing. W and D will have 2 TV's and a radio going throughout the house and I will feel like my head is going to explode.

Me too ! I have started driving in my car with no radio on at all. Then at home, I keep my Ipod nearby, & turn on soothing music when the house gets too loud with tv's & video games.

Just realizing why it's bugging me helps too. Before I thought everybody was agitated, & couldn't figure out why they didn't say something. lol

[smartcookie]

<<OMG... this sounds so much like me & mydaughter. I am ordering from Amazon today!! thank you so much.

You're so very welcome. I love when I find book that helps explain why I'm weird. LOL (okay, maybe unique is a better word).

<< yep and the drama in the kitchen and the lovers in the corner and etc. etc.

exactly !

<<yep, yep, yep

doesn't it drive you nuts when they try to deny it ???

<<I am hoping to get my D to read pieces of the book to help her understand herself better as well.

It sure helps.

<<This is not me so much, but is my D. I love to people watch. I can tolerate a lot of 'chaos', must be the teacher in me? Being sensitive is good in a teaching situation because i can tell pretty good with minimal body language which students are 'stuck', which ones 'have got it' and which ones are apathetic!

Maybe you're got good enough boundaries to block it out in chaos. My mom texted me the other day, she said she was on a ferry with a bunch of people from another country, & they were all talking so fast in their language, & she was about to jump overboard from the stress it was causing her. We had to laugh about it together. Then I reminded her about her "bubble" & she said that helped tons.

<<Thanks for all the good ideas & thoughts!

It's my pleasure. Hugs

[Neilh23]

hey bridge...

I can tolerate a lot of 'chaos', must be the teacher in me? Being sensitive is good in a teaching situation because i can tell pretty good with minimal body language which students are 'stuck', which ones 'have got it' and which ones are apathetic!

i assume you said that to SC somewhere......being a teacher, we have to have infinite patience. HOw do you apply your "teaching" patience to your sitch? I'm having difficulty doing that....any insights would be greatly appreciated...thanks!

[Bridgestone]

Hi everyone
((lodo)) ((SC)) ((FG)) ((NEIL))
for stopping by my thread

had communications counseling again yesterday which ended up being more MC, which was good actually.

I'll add more later...D13 (almost 14) & I are going to my parents where we'll do the annual sweet corn cook & freeze event. Hoping to get through 2 bushels this morning before it gets too hot.

This is usually an event with H's side of the family (we've done 200 quart in a day with them before- it is quite an assembly line!!)

I decided to do it with my family this year.

I have a shower to attend for H's nephew on Saturday, as one of the 'aunts' I asked what H's immediate (me, H, S, D) family could do to contribute to the shower, I'm now making fruit salad for 3 dozen women

(no modern day couples showers for this midwestern, family no sir-ee...fun & stupid games galore... uggg) Oh well, I asked for it. I'll act as if..

I guess DB comes in handy in lots of places!

[Neilh23]

hey bridge...

I can tolerate a lot of 'chaos', must be the teacher in me? Being sensitive is good in a teaching situation because i can tell pretty good with minimal body language which students are 'stuck', which ones 'have got it' and which ones are apathetic!

i assume you said that to SC somewhere......being a teacher, we have to have infinite patience. HOw do you apply your "teaching" patience to your sitch? I'm having difficulty doing that....any insights would be greatly appreciated...thanks!

bridge...actually..this is what i'm looking for..your input on this! thanks!