I agree some get no direction at all from their WAS she is trying...
I wish the financial side wasn't screwing things up so much it is not helping her to be able to concentrate on herself all it is doing is fueling her anger at the moment and clouding her thoughts...
It means alot you think I am wonderful it would mean more if W thought so also...
Okay, the song hit me hard. It wiped me out. I had just read another sitch that was so similar to where I was a year ago, then the song, & whammo. I just checked out (dissociate) & couldn't think straight.
So you realize W is in a lot of pain. If her "stuff" is surfacing, she may go back to her old coping techniques. Mine were drinking, sexual attention, & dissociating from current emotional pain.
When she does that, tell yourself, she's not trying to hurt you. She's trying to numb her emotional pain. When the pain gets bad enough, she'll get help. She won't go to C yet, because of the shame & guilt of talking about it. You just keep telling her she did nothing wrong, & it wasn't her fault. Think of her like a child. At times, she will be. Her mind is going through a huge tornado of emotions & it's a journey I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But....the view from where I'm standing today is beautiful.
her anger...it's from feeling trapped, helpless, & confused about what to do. She's really not mad at you. She'll take it out on you, because that keeps her distant & safe. Did I tell you about the book "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" ?? Right now she's torn, hurting, confused. Just be the rock. You're doing awesome. Your compassion & empathy is impressive, & you should be proud of yourself.
Take care, & know I'd never forget you. Hugs.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
As much as her actions hurt you, she keeps turning to you. Old coping methods like defensiveness, insecurity, protectiveness surface. She goes to you, with flashes of what she is feeling.. sharing her fears; that she's to blame, that you should hate her, that she's unworthy. You are becoming her safe harbor, her emotional confidant. A beautiful gift.
Who knows where all this goes.. but what a joy it is to watch how you two interact.. where you give love, where she shows trust. As painful as this is.. it's a gift to both of you.
I always felt without trust, there could be no love.
Only firing on about 4 pistons outta 8 at the moment...
I fear for my W she is close to rock bottom...
They don't hurt as much as they use to kinda becomin numb frustration level is becomin higher though, I'm abit torn on the safe harbor some days I agree some days ya never know...
I wish I could say interactions went well last night but they were a bit strained to say the least...
Not gonna make this a long drawn out post will just give the highlights.
Obviously we are experiencing financial difficulties, due to some bad choices on both of our parts, most recently W moving out. Anyway, she decide that she was going to go and see her L about this stuff, I humbly said why go to a DL we should be going to a BL. Well given the sitch she trusts her L over me, okay fine whatever. So she goes yesterday and sees him well he didn't let ME down in what he told her to do. Basically said 'I' should worry about me and she should worry about 'her' cause he didn't want to see her credit go bad.
Okay that's all fine and dandy, but as I told her your credit is going to be just as bad as mine when this is done cause the house will more than likely go into foreclosure, so your L wanting to make arrangements with the CC comp. that we have jointly ain't gonna make a damn difference when the mortgage co. comes and takes the house, so we might as well do this together. Yes I made it about me I admit that and my tone changed in my voice, and told her I felt like I was gettin thrown under the bus & she didn't give 2 hoots about it. I also said this isn't fun for me you know she said I haven't heard that tone in your voice in a long time, and I know it isn't fun for you, and then she broke down and started bawlin she hit pretty close to rock bottom, saying all kinds of things, like I am not a robot I have feelings I do think about this it is driving me crazy, I know it's not fun for you, me, the kids but the best thing I heard her say during all of that was that she can't & won't do this again, she can't handle the stress anymore she needs to go to C'ing HOORAY!!! for that statement, I said good for you & if you would like I will go also she said NO I need to do this for myself, there is a god above YES!!!
She says I don't know what you want me to say, I can't say what you want me to right now. I said I don't want you to say anything, I expected your L to tell you what to do, he did you trust him at the moment, so we will do what he suggested, you call this other L and I will call L and then we will compare notes as to what they say. She still crying I say please don't cry it hurts me, she says no I NEED TO CRY I haven't through any of this, (there is a god again). I know what this is doing to you, the kids, me it's killing me. So I got her calmed down and said you just do what your L told you to do and I will do the same and then we will compare and go from there.
I know how I should have handled it could have done it better, but it is what it is. She made the comment that she was happy when she got my voice mail cause she didn't want to talk to me about it, and hoped that I wouldn't call her back, which I know I shouldn't have can't change that now...
Crying is a good thing. It releases hurt thats held in. It helps people (or at least me) think clearer afterwards.
You don't need to be a hero, you don't need to save her. You just need to be there.
It must hurt that she seems to trust her lawyer over you... but that is the message you get. My lawyer reminds me that spouse is my adversary. Her job is to make sure I'm taken care of. The lawyer can give advice, that's it.
You gave her a dose of reality, in a voice that scared her. You're human. This is a scary situation for all of you. Reacting with old behaviors is normal. Following it up with an explanation will help calm her down. After all, you'd do that with a business associate, wouldn't you?
Listen to what she says. She's telling you what SHE needs. Do that. It always works in your favor.
