Suzanne, you need to learn to soothe yourself. And you will be glad you did. When he agrees to call you, you are not in the position you want to be, so it isn't the reassurance you really want.
Wait, and get the love you want.
Give him his real space.
I KNOW how hard this is. I've lived it....and still live it's reduced versions.
The more you do this, the more you put of the longer wait, and the more you do it, the longer it will take (the going dark). Get it over NOW.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Suzanne, you need to learn to soothe yourself. And you will be glad you did. When he agrees to call you, you are not in the position you want to be, so it isn't the reassurance you really want.
Wait, and get the love you want.
Give him his real space.
I KNOW how hard this is. I've lived it....and still live it's reduced versions.
The more you do this, the more you put of the longer wait, and the more you do it, the longer it will take (the going dark). Get it over NOW.
Ditto..
Consistency... No blowing up his phone.... 180s
This is the hardest thing to go thru but if you can work on you , it will save you honey...... We all believe in you.... ~Ali
Suzzanne - You just gotta believe girl. People are telling you what they did and that it worked so now you gotta believe and copy, but not expect anything to happen all of a sudden.
Have a great Day (would say week, but take it one day at a time)
I finally decided that what I was doing wasn't working and hurt like anything. DB works and is my only chance. So, now I believe I can do this. (Granted, this waivers all the time.)
I wish there was a way I could give you my phone number here, then you could call me when you wanted to call him.
If you have to take your phone and pretend to call me until we can figure out how to get you my number, then do that!
Do not call him. Do not call him. Do not call him!!!!!!!! And do not ask him to call you.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
I can't stress enough how important it is to find something that gives you peace to do while having a rough day. Also SG's pedicure is an excellent way to reward yourself for doing a good job (i'm not into pedi's myself.....but it is probably a guy thing...lol).
Give your H loving space...even if you are in the same house...it is possible...it just sounds wierd if you haven't done it. Think of the good part you are in the same house.
What loving space means is let him be. Your post about the "wispering phone calls" I think is a perfect example. I know you set this as a boundary for you. Honestly, I don't think your R is there yet where you can make demands. This doesn't mean that you let him walk all over you, it just means you let him do his thing. From his perspective, stopping the wispering phone calls is controlling him....this will not bring him closer to you. Realistically you are only asking him to stop becuase they make your imagination run wild...."is it the other women"...etc. Your imagination runs wild because you are scared (every right to be so) and insecure and you don't trust him (for obvious reasons). If you continue to show your mistrust you are only going to drive him further away. Besides it would be very intrusive to "prove" what the conversation was about...he can always defend it as a friend checking on how he is doing...remember this isn't easy on him as well. My point is this is something you can't win at...so let it be.
I think a better approach is to just ignore the wispering phone calls, show that they don't bother you, show that you are secure. When he comes back in the room, instead of seeming hurt or insecure, smile at him and make some casual conversation. I imagine he has seen quite a different reaction in the past, show him a positive 180....show him a secure Suzanne, even if you have to act it in the beginning. This a big differnce from the 3rd degree he has received in the past (warranted or not). This is just an example of how to give him space but yet live under the same roof.
I have to agree with one of the posters, I am not certain requiring him to sepnd time with you is a good solution. Perhaps a better approach would be to defend your right to stay in the house....if he wants to stay great, if he doesn't that is ok as well. If he is forced he will resent it and it won't be pleasant.
As far as the lawyers having a phone conference, I would let all legal actions be initiated by his L, and then have your L respond (others may have opinions on this). I just feel this si not something you want to be viewed as pushing forward. Let him set the pace....he might just slow down.
Last edited by TwinDad; 07/28/0805:14 PM.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Sigh! I have a lot on my mind today. Plus, there is a lot to tell you. I have so much on my plate right now. I have the H's truck again, and I'm moving everything out tonight and leaving tomorrow.
He did call today and when I listened to the voicemail, there was no message. It sounded like he actually held his cell phone out of the window in his bronco and just let the wind hit it. He did that to me yesterday too.
Anyway, I need to write you all a long post with some explanations of me and H's personalities etc., but unfortunately, I won't be able to do it tonight. Hopefully, tomorrow. Still terribly sad and anxious.
OK, I know I'm whining now, but this is killing me. My H just called and left a message that he left dog food but didn't feed the dog. Must be testing me because I have his truck. He does not sound happy. No goodbye or anything.
I left him a note this morning saying I hope he doesnt mind that I took his truck. I left him some fajitas, and said I'm off tomorrow. I guess that was his cue not to stay home tonight. Tomorrow is the big day with the attorneys. I'm desperado. Where is Wifey?
OK, here's the deal. EVERYTHING is in his name, even my car. I was a victim of D.V. before I met him and the "monster" is in prison. But, I will fear him all the rest of my days. So, I have nothing in my name. My H honored that, and I "trusted" him. LOL.
best i can offer you there. besides the fact that it's "his anger" not yours......don't worry about it.
here's another idea to help with the calling/negative thoughts about your sitch...and i think either Wifey or SadMillitaryWife is using it too...
put a rubber band around your wrist...every time you think a negative thought about your sitch or think of calling your H, snap it. Every time. It's a bit of behavioral therapy...
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
Ditto..