Advice from my DB coach #3

[Neilh23]

put your phone in the freezer. go out and leave your phone home. anything......but don't do it.


alot of it is self control......find it. you have it in you. you are NOT addicted to him. you do NOT need to talk to him to survive. break yourself othat though process....

[poet]

Ok, Thanks Neil,

Will TRRRRRRRYYYYYYY! I hate to say it, but this REALLY S****ks. You're gonna hate me but I actually DID go out and leave the phone home. Then I went and called him from the restaurant. What a JERK!

hugs,
s

[NikB]

Suzanne - interesting on the house arrangement. I hope you can make that work. I've seen a few situations where people rented an apartment and then traded off weeks, too - i.e. you're in the house one week while H is in the apartment, then the next week you switch. Lets the kids stay in one place and it postpones the fight over the house. Just another thought, if the original plan doesn't work out well for either or both of you.

On the calling, yes, it's really just about self control and there's not much any of us can do to help with that except say YOU CAN DO IT!!! You have to CHOOSE to do it, then follow through.

[poet]

Thanks NikB,

I'm curious tho. I see you've been through a very tough time yourself, just by your signiture lines. How did YOU do it? My goodness. I'm really impressed. Did you answer when he called? Did you ever go dark?

Just wondering about you and those of you who are making it work.

hugs,
s

[sgctxok]

Dear Good Advisors,

I honestly need your advice now. I can...not stop calling my H. He is patient with me most of the time, but I do get out of hand and it's freaking me out! Seriously, How do I stop calling him? I'm addicted to it. Please help.


s

I was too. Do what Michele told me..........Just do it. Don't give yourself ANY reason/excuse to do it. It will make things worse, it won't make them better, don't do it.



NO MORE from this moment forward. Do ANYTHING else.

[Neilh23]

Ok, Thanks Neil,

Will TRRRRRRRYYYYYYY!

hey suzanne-------

read my quote. then decide what you are going to do.

i believe in you. you can do this.

just decide to.

it's really that simple.

look, about 5 months ago i decided to do everything in my power to save my M. everything. Now, i went off on some false trails....endured a physical separation.....and a legal separation...and quite possibly an EA or a PA.....and everyone, every single person i know, really honestly believes i should cut my losses and move on. I have people trying to set me up on dates all the time. I don't go.

you know why?

Because I decided to save my M. I know i can. Look at how few people are really on this site... the population of the world is 6.5 billion. HOw many people come to this site daily? Maybe 100? Maybe 200? WE go against the norm. WE go against what society has said we should do....cut our losses and move on. There's no chance. But we believe we can.

i don't know who said it, but....

if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.

I believe I am going to save my M. You need to believe it to. Start working towards that goal. Yes, we all struggle (even me! ) but that doesn't mean we should be silly and don't do what's right.

STart doing what works for you. You know it. Decide to do it.

I believe in you

[poet]

Neil,

I LOVE YOU, MAN!

OK, I'll set my *stupid, ignoramous* strong-willed mind to do this. I did do it one day, so I can do it again. Thanks. Still chuckling with you.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))

s

OOPs,

Just read your post too, SG. I LOVE YOU TOO, GIRLFRIEND!
((((((HUGS)))))))))))
S

[poet]

Ok, so one more thing. He says he'll call me before going to sleep. Can I ask him to call me tomorrow? Will that be OK? BTW, when I ask him, he always says yes. And, he always does.

s

[NikB]

Ahh yeah... been through a LOT and it's hard to believe I'm coming up on 2 years since the original bomb. How I did it... basically following the DB principles the best I could. GAL, 180s, work on improving myself, fixing those things that I could.

And yes, months of running to the bathroom or car to cry so H didn't see it (at least, most of the time). Acting As If and having that PMA are critical for sure. It is freaking HARD to act light and airy and happy around the person who just turned your world upside down, but you can do it.

I answered most of the time when he called, but not always. I almost always made sure to answer if I was out in a noisy place so he could hear the background noise and wonder where I was.

Dark... not totally, but pretty dim for awhile. I got to where I wasn't calling him, and that was big for me. Funny enough, not long after is when things started to turn around more. The big turning point was when I took a week long road trip down to San Diego (in fact, several of us DB ladies rented a house for the week and met there - it was great!). I talked to him when I arrived safely (he'd asked me to call), and he called once during the week, but that was all we talked. I KNOW that got him thinking. I went on a 10-12 hour drive, by myself, on vacation, to a place we both loved to go together... I'm sure he was going "WTF???" I wasn't crushed and crying and desparate anymore, and I was even starting to move on and accept reality a bit.

There's no one magic thing that works and the most important thing to know is that it will take more time and patience than you can even believe. That's scary, but it also helps take the "OMG I have to fix it all NOW!!" pressure. Time and patience.

NONE of it was easy and I totally understand that. In the beginning it's "breath in".. now "breath out." I was a mess for a few months - but the better I got, the better things got in our sitch.

I'm trying to think back.. in the VERY beginning the things that had the most impact were the 180s that I did. I kept my fingers and toes polished at all times, dressed really nice every day, bought myself a small bouquet of flowers every week and kept them on the table, styled my hair differently, bought new clothes, re-decorated the bedroom, lost weight (albeit the "bomb diet" is not that healthy but still.. I needed to), I'm trying to even remember everything I did. Some felt fake or forced but I stuck with the change to see if it was "me" or not. Some were, some weren't - so I kept the things that "fit" me and dropped those that didn't.

I hope some of that helps... I know it's so much to take in all at once!

[sgctxok]

Ok, so one more thing. He says he'll call me before going to sleep. Can I ask him to call me tomorrow? Will that be OK? BTW, when I ask him, he always says yes. And, he always does.

s

No.