WAAAAAA, talk about gone bad! this thread has gone bad and I'm turning it back over to lodo to clean up after himself! Thanks for letting me stall up here for a while!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Here I am in the mood for a late night ramble and no thread to post on. I could start one, but WCW says I should clean up after myself.
Somehow it seems fitting to come back to Hopefulness. At first I was hopeful for my marriage, now I'm hopeful for myself. Surviving just wasn't a nice place to be, so maybe I'll move back in here if I feel like keeping a thread.
But, that isn't what inspired me to post. It was actually an oldtimer - einstein - who reposted after a long time away. That, combined with my own sitch, combined with others I read, combined with emails and chats with friends and family. It's all swirling around in my head and I start to sort out my beliefs and the whole tangled thing refuses to unwind. So here I am.
I guess it all comes down to accepting another no matter what they do. Am I really willing to do that? Unconditional love. Patience. Understanding. Blind determination to show support and care no matter how poorly you're treated.
Life is short. Why put up with that crap? You can leave tomorrow and probably find someone else that you're equally as compatible with. Well, maybe after a few attempts. Of course the history won't be there, but new history awaits.
But that isn't what DB and Dr. Phil and Marriage Builders and all the others tell us. Fight to right the wrongs. Show that patience and love and understanding no matter what they do to you, no matter how deep the hurt. And according to the success stories, it can work.
But that leaves me feeling like a failure. My XW refused to address anything, would only consider divorce, refused to give up OM. Now I'm supposed to DB after the legalities are finished instead of moving on and re-establishing a life with someone who cares for me and supports me?! I want to think that I should keep DBing, but others tell me to end contact, go dark, move on and refind myself.
So, there it is. I think many of us are struggling with the same issues. I'm finding I care less and less about XW - she certainly didn't show me much support despite my support of her. So why does DR make me feel guilty? Why does it make me feel more of a failure because I want to get on with my life? Yes, I could ignore the incredible pain and hurt my XW intentionally did to me. I could ignore the fact that she would immediately chuck a long term relationship in favor of a fleeting attraction. I could ignore that she did everything in her power to prevent us from reconnecting. But I won't. I don't want to because I wouldn't never accept that kind of behavior in anyone else, so why should I accept it in her?
So, there it is. I'm a DB failure, but in that failure I find hopefulness, because I can grow past the limits my XW imposed on me, grow past the emotional scars she left.
Not the way I see it. I see DB preparing people to withstand divorce if it is inevitable, but to be the best version of themselves so that they are attractive to the WAS if he/she should happen to change his/her mind. And if not, then you have centered yourself and strengthened your independence and are ready to go out in the world and begin again with more knowledge about human relationships than you had the first time around. And I think you have done that Lodo. I think you are a DB success. Now your wife is another story....
Hi lodo, welcome home. I was hoping you'd find your way back here. You're a bit like me in that I am hopeful about my life and what I am doing to make it better. What I don't know is if that will include H. Right now that part is not hopeful.
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My XW refused to address anything
Do you want to compare frustration? I understand that people are conflict avoiders, I am too when it comes right down to it. But, to bury things so deep that you can't get in touch with reality to even consider improvements...I don't know...it just doesn't make sense to not even try.
I think that is why you and I feel so helpless and at a loss what to do when it comes to dealing with a WAS that won't even look at issues. They just want to cut slack and run. It's easier for them, and they can move on without ever dealing with themselves. Staying in the R and doing the hard work to make it prosper doesn't seem to be in their genes (Wranglers for my H).
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So, there it is. I'm a DB failure, but in that failure I find hopefulness, because I can grow past the limits my XW imposed on me, grow past the emotional scars she left.
You're not a failure, the woman who left you is. I bet it feels great to have scars now instead of open gaping wounds. See how far you've come already?
I have a love/hate R with WT.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Good to be back in a forum with no DRAMA and where people don't spend their energy making fun of those they don't like.
Yes, I know you're frustrated and I'm sorry for that. I can understand avoiding an issue when you only have limited investment in it, but a marriage is different. It seems to me that a spouse should be willing to commit to a little bit of a opportunity to mend things, especially when they were part of the problem! I guess it's that last bit that they don't believe - they try to shove everything on to us so that they feel justified.
I don't think my XW is a failure - I just don't think she'll ever be willing to compromise herself for the good of a R. Maybe that's selfish, maybe not. Whatever the case, she doesn't want to change. I do.
I do feel like I've come far. I wish I was further along. It was funny, I got an email that included an accidental (?) forward of an email she had sent to a mutual friend, in which the friend expressed support for both of us. There wasn't anything bad in her email, but she did mention that it had taken her awhile to get over thinking of herself as a divorced person.
Awhile? The divorce isn't legal for 3 more weeks?! We're on different timescales, obviously. That's okay, I'm more and more able to get her out of my head.
BTW, as I watch the economy sink into the toilet, have I mentioned how glad I am that I didn't try to take over the house mortgage? Think she'll be able to refinance that jumbo loan all by herself in the next 6 months? I'm not backing down on that one - if she can't get refi'ed, the house goes up for sale.
lodo, if you're concerned about not having to worry about a mortgage I'd be happy to oblige and let you worry about some of mine. Just list your percentage and I'll bill you. Thanks!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
