Losing, in a curious way, is winning.

[Bridgestone]

but I hope you don't stop posting.

Things have been hectic here and yes I needed some time away from the emotions of everyone's sitch on here to concentrate on mine. I am a sensative person and pick up emotions easily (maybe I'm part Betazoid! so needing time & space for focusing on me meant not being as involved here for a bit.

He also for the first time last night opened up a lot about his view of himself as a workaholic and how it impacted his view of the M and me and the kids.

What were you thinking while this was going on?

A cross between thinking how much that song & dance has changed in the past 2 years, and just listening, not thinking to argue, but thinking to understand him better, if this is the 'new' H I need to understand his 'new' values & beiefs about himself & his actions.

I don't know. I guess I'd just be open and honest. Say "H, I'm apprehensive and nervous about this trip because of the awkward sleeping arrangements. It would be a great relief if you could simply accept that I need the space for my own reasons so that I can relax and enjoy the trip."

I like that.. thanks!

How's the writing coming along? Mine is at a stand-still. I have an overwhelming desire to 'organize' my stuff again to get in the mood. I feel as if I have stuff in portable file boxes, in 3 different places, and a few piles here & there.

I almost threw some things away the other day because other personal papers had piled up on top of them!! arggg!

Hate that feeling of what the hell was I thinking when I put that stuff there because I was not conscious of mixing personal papers with school work papers. I guess my mind goes other places & I am not in the moment. Still neeed to work on that one.

Off to take my D to her last babysitting clinic class at the Red Cross. I may stop at the nail place for a pedicure. Had one as a treat from a friend, for the 2nd time in May.. loved it. I think I may treat myself to one today.

Peace
Bridge

[lodo]

Organizing and re-organizing can become a project unto itself - don't let it become your sole purpose.

Persistence pays off. Many writers set aside a certain time each day and make themselves write. Otherwise it's too easy to avoid.

That said, I'm overwhelmed by how much time I've wasted staring at a blank screen. I keep telling myself to just write anything but I hate seeing awful prose on the page and would rather see nothing than poor sentences. I know I can go back and revise later, but I feel like too much sloppy work affects my ability to think about the overall subject clearly. Still trying to find my workflow, I guess.

Take care of yourself. lodo

[KenF]

So, back to those creative juices. If you go to DC and stay in a separate room, how can you do that in a way that sends a positive message?

Not sure how to make it a 'positive' message. Suggestions?

I don't know. I guess I'd just be open and honest. Say "H, I'm apprehensive and nervous about this trip because of the awkward sleeping arrangements. It would be a great relief if you could simply accept that I need the space for my own reasons so that I can relax and enjoy the trip."

on top of this, letting your H know that just having the OPTION of another room is important in making you more comfortable. you're not saying you'll have to sleep in one room or the other, but having the option is important to you at this stage.

[smartcookie]

Things have been hectic here and yes I needed some time away from the emotions of everyone's sitch on here to concentrate on mine. I am a sensative person and pick up emotions easily (maybe I'm part Betazoid! so needing time & space for focusing on me meant not being as involved here for a bit.

Nope, you're not Betazoid, Deanna Troi, lol, I'm betting you are a "Highly Sensitive Person". There's a book by Elaine Aron, & she has a website too. I just finished reading the book, & it was wonderful at explaining how I am so aware of other people's feelings, & emotions. Also, how others energy can be completely overwhelming. I'm not sure sensitive is the best word, I think it's more "awareness of subtle changes in people's energy & emotions".

When you're in a crowded restaurant, are you aware of the couple way across the room that is having an argument ? When someone walks into the room, can you just tell their mood ? Are you very empathic & perceptive? Do you just know when someone is upset, even if they deny it?

There's also a book by Aron called "The Highly Sensitive Person in Love". I'm sensitive, H is not. 3 of our kids are sensitive, 1 is not. My D14's best friend is not, & my D couldn't figure out how come her best friend would be so mean & insensitive at times. When I explained this concept to D, she instantly caught on to it, & realized her friend isn't "wired" the same way. This information has saved their friendship. Her friend just can't help it, she's not "in tune" like we are.

It also helps me to realize why I get over stimulated in large crowds, or too much house noise, & H is oblivious to the kids noise.

Hugs.

[Distressed67]

Nope, you're not Betazoid, Deanna Troi, lol, I'm betting you are a "Highly Sensitive Person". There's a book by Elaine Aron, & she has a website too. I just finished reading the book, & it was wonderful at explaining how I am so aware of other people's feelings, & emotions. Also, how others energy can be completely overwhelming. I'm not sure sensitive is the best word, I think it's more "awareness of subtle changes in people's energy & emotions".

When you're in a crowded restaurant, are you aware of the couple way across the room that is having an argument ? When someone walks into the room, can you just tell their mood ? Are you very empathic & perceptive? Do you just know when someone is upset, even if they deny it?

There's also a book by Aron called "The Highly Sensitive Person in Love". I'm sensitive, H is not. 3 of our kids are sensitive, 1 is not. My D14's best friend is not, & my D couldn't figure out how come her best friend would be so mean & insensitive at times. When I explained this concept to D, she instantly caught on to it, & realized her friend isn't "wired" the same way. This information has saved their friendship. Her friend just can't help it, she's not "in tune" like we are.

It also helps me to realize why I get over stimulated in large crowds, or too much house noise, & H is oblivious to the kids noise.

Hugs.

I wonder if my W is like this. I do not think I am projecting my fears or my doubts when I am a little off but maybe I am. I'm not upset or mad just feeling uneasy with her or our R. Sort of like what happened on Thursday.

[ndsmhelp]

Things have been hectic here and yes I needed some time away from the emotions of everyone's sitch on here to concentrate on mine. I am a sensative person and pick up emotions easily (maybe I'm part Betazoid! so needing time & space for focusing on me meant not being as involved here for a bit.

Nope, you're not Betazoid, Deanna Troi, lol, I'm betting you are a "Highly Sensitive Person". There's a book by Elaine Aron, & she has a website too. I just finished reading the book, & it was wonderful at explaining how I am so aware of other people's feelings, & emotions. Also, how others energy can be completely overwhelming. I'm not sure sensitive is the best word, I think it's more "awareness of subtle changes in people's energy & emotions".

When you're in a crowded restaurant, are you aware of the couple way across the room that is having an argument ? When someone walks into the room, can you just tell their mood ? Are you very empathic & perceptive? Do you just know when someone is upset, even if they deny it?

There's also a book by Aron called "The Highly Sensitive Person in Love". I'm sensitive, H is not. 3 of our kids are sensitive, 1 is not. My D14's best friend is not, & my D couldn't figure out how come her best friend would be so mean & insensitive at times. When I explained this concept to D, she instantly caught on to it, & realized her friend isn't "wired" the same way. This information has saved their friendship. Her friend just can't help it, she's not "in tune" like we are.

It also helps me to realize why I get over stimulated in large crowds, or too much house noise, & H is oblivious to the kids noise.

Hugs.

That's pretty interesting. I have to check out the books, as I think those descriptions fit me very well.

How about pegging someone as good or bad the minute you meet them? That is a nack of mine that over the years has a pretty high percentage of being spot on.

My wife has told people about it and said over the years many times, "well I guess you were right about him, or her". Don't even get me started on kids that D has had for friends over the years.

This makes me think about something funny that she would laugh at me for. I am not really sure whether I still do it or not.

When we first met, we would be in the car with the music blaring and I would come to a stop sign, I would turn the radio down. She would say..what are you doing, listening for traffic?

The house noise is the same thing. W and D will have 2 TV's and a radio going throughout the house and I will feel like my head is going to explode.

[Kalni]

Nope, you're not Betazoid, Deanna Troi, lol, I'm betting you are a "Highly Sensitive Person". There's a book by Elaine Aron, & she has a website too. I just finished reading the book, & it was wonderful at explaining how I am so aware of other people's feelings, & emotions. Also, how others energy can be completely overwhelming. I'm not sure sensitive is the best word, I think it's more "awareness of subtle changes in people's energy & emotions".

When you're in a crowded restaurant, are you aware of the couple way across the room that is having an argument ? When someone walks into the room, can you just tell their mood ? Are you very empathic & perceptive? Do you just know when someone is upset, even if they deny it?

There's also a book by Aron called "The Highly Sensitive Person in Love". I'm sensitive, H is not. 3 of our kids are sensitive, 1 is not. My D14's best friend is not, & my D couldn't figure out how come her best friend would be so mean & insensitive at times. When I explained this concept to D, she instantly caught on to it, & realized her friend isn't "wired" the same way. This information has saved their friendship. Her friend just can't help it, she's not "in tune" like we are.

It also helps me to realize why I get over stimulated in large crowds, or too much house noise, & H is oblivious to the kids noise.

Hugs.

So I am not crazy after all? My friends call me witch, my bosses ask me about people and what I think of them before they agree to something... Well, didn't help me much with my H but still, good to know there more of us out there (weird music playing).

Bridge, I am reading, following... Take your time and get yourself "grounded". "Overheating" never helped anyone...
(I hope my English is just funny and not tragic),
Take care,
L&XXX
K

[Forrest Gump]

I'm in counseling, reading new things trying to get a different perspective that allows me to 'do something different' in the moment than I would otherwise. Having the confidence to Speak up for example. There have been times I have chosen to speak my mind & make my thoughts, emotions, wants clear in the room. Sometimes it makes a difference, yet during the times he 'shoots holes in them with his logic', I want to quit. Someday I'll have more energy to be confident in the assertations I put out in the room longer. I am different than I was 2 weeks ago, and definately than 2 years ago. Right now, changing me in a way that is healthy for me, is enough right now.

Ok.. so you have a idea of what works. It's not perfect.. but it seems to effect things for the better when you talk clearly. When he responds with logic.. he is most likely telling you he does not understand everything. Or he sees a way you should be able to fix it. He is fixing it from his frame of mind. Again.. I go back to the whole.. start talking.. stop talking.. both digest theme. You have to allow for both points to be understood. He does not need to respond.. neither do you.. at that specific moment. I think you have the point where communication breaks down.. defined pretty clearly. My personal thought is that you two are focusing on "fixing" it at the break down point or before the break down point. I kinda think maybe you should just let the communication break.. and then take to your corners.

by having space, thinking time, processing time, energy rebuilding time to have my confidence to state what I wanted outloud in the room

I understand that this is about changes you are making. We may drift apart here on this thought. The changes you make.. need to have a mindset of making both "people" happy. I mean the goal is to make the R better. So within the setting of DB.com.. you need to understand.. and I think you do.. something that works for you.. may not be so clear to the other person. The other person may.. see it as more of the same with cherries on top. The idea is to pull yourself out.. and in doing so they run along behind you. Someone used a dancing analogy once.. you can ask for someone to dance.. and leave the option for them to say yes or no.. or you can say nothing and hold your hand out.. and leave the option for them to say yes or no. You don't need to understand.. why they said yes or no.

[Bridgestone]

Say "H, I'm apprehensive and nervous about this trip because of the awkward sleeping arrangements. It would be a great relief if you could simply accept that I need the space for my own reasons so that I can relax and enjoy the trip.
on top of this, letting your H know that just having the OPTION of another room is important in making you more comfortable. you're not saying you'll have to sleep in one room or the other, but having the option is important to you at this stage.

Great ideas.. thanks so much for them!!

We are doing the talking/listening wheel tonight as homework for the communications counseling we are going to .. I think this will be what I ask him to listen to for me.

I need to go practice this as it is not how I'm use to talking with him.

I need to change that.

Peace
Bridge

[Bridgestone]

I am a sensative person and pick up emotions easily (maybe I'm part Betazoid! so needing time & space for focusing on me meant not being as involved here for a bit.

Nope, you're not Betazoid, Deanna Troi, lol, I'm betting you are a "Highly Sensitive Person". There's a book by Elaine Aron, & she has a website too.

OMG... this sounds so much like me & mydaughter. I am ordering from Amazon today!! thank you so much.

I'm not sure sensitive is the best word, I think it's more "awareness of subtle changes in people's energy & emotions".

much better explanation!!

When you're in a crowded restaurant, are you aware of the couple way across the room that is having an argument ?

yep and the drama in the kitchen and the lovers in the corner and etc. etc.

When someone walks into the room, can you just tell their mood ? Are you very empathic & perceptive? Do you just know when someone is upset, even if they deny it?

yep, yep, yep

When I explained this concept to D, she instantly caught on to it, & realized her friend isn't "wired" the same way. This information has saved their friendship. Her friend just can't help it, she's not "in tune" like we are.

I am hoping to get my D to read pieces of the book to help her understand herself better as well.

It also helps me to realize why I get over stimulated in large crowds, or too much house noise, & H is oblivious to the kids noise.

This is not me so much, but is my D. I love to people watch. I can tolerate a lot of 'chaos', must be the teacher in me? Being sensitive is good in a teaching situation because i can tell pretty good with minimal body language which students are 'stuck', which ones 'have got it' and which ones are apathetic!


Thanks for all the good ideas & thoughts!
Glad you're home safely.
Bridge