Last night I had to do some work for my IL so the W started to cut the grass. when I got home a neighbor stop over and I needed to give him a check. I went in the house to get a check out of my W purse. She had a piece of clothing in it but I did not look at it because I was in a hurry. My W saw him pull up but did not know I had gotten home so she stopped mowing and come out front. When she saw i was there she left. When I went to put the check book back the piece of clothing was gone. I do not know what it was.
About 10 minuts later she stopped cutting and I ran into her in the garage because she had said at dinner that she was going over to a girlfriends house and could I finish cutting the grass. She was acting a little weird and asked when I got home and what I was doing. I said I had just gotten home when the neighbor arrived and I got a check out of her purse.
I had a rough night sleeping last night. Tossed and turned and all night did not get much sleep. I don't know why but I thought about it all night.
This moring she asked if I was ok. I said I had alot on my mind and that i was sorry to wake her up. She just called and asked again if I was ok and that I was talking or mumbling but she could not understand it and was I mad at her. I told her it was just work and that was it but then asked her if everytime I have a rough night does she think I am mad at her. She said that is the way it has been in the past. I tryed to reassure her that was not it and that I was sorry she felt that way. She said not to worry about it.
I hate back sliding and this BS. Not sure why it bothered me so much or why I really care what it was. It just seemed strange that she went in the house a got whatever it was before I could see it.
You cant control what it was or what your w was up to.
Dont let it stress you out too much. C,mon man you have been stopping me sliding down this slope and doing a great job.
It is normal to be concerned or frustrated as relinquishing control in any sitch for us can be hard. Her concern for your troubled sleep etc might be coming out of some guilty feelings and she is trying to sound you out over what you think is going on.
But dont try to read to much into this. It might be nothing
I think the way you handled the reassuarnce conversation was good too.
Kenny
Me:40 WAW, MLC?:39 Kids:S11,S9 T:25, M:14 ILYB:Apr 08 W moved out Aug 08 W:Does not Want to Try
Last night I had to do some work for my IL so the W started to cut the grass. when I got home a neighbor stop over and I needed to give him a check. I went in the house to get a check out of my W purse. She had a piece of clothing in it but I did not look at it because I was in a hurry. My W saw him pull up but did not know I had gotten home so she stopped mowing and come out front. When she saw i was there she left. When I went to put the check book back the piece of clothing was gone. I do not know what it was.
About 10 minuts later she stopped cutting and I ran into her in the garage because she had said at dinner that she was going over to a girlfriends house and could I finish cutting the grass. She was acting a little weird and asked when I got home and what I was doing. I said I had just gotten home when the neighbor arrived and I got a check out of her purse.
I had a rough night sleeping last night. Tossed and turned and all night did not get much sleep. I don't know why but I thought about it all night.
This moring she asked if I was ok. I said I had alot on my mind and that i was sorry to wake her up. She just called and asked again if I was ok and that I was talking or mumbling but she could not understand it and was I mad at her. I told her it was just work and that was it but then asked her if everytime I have a rough night does she think I am mad at her. She said that is the way it has been in the past. I tryed to reassure her that was not it and that I was sorry she felt that way. She said not to worry about it.
I hate back sliding and this BS. Not sure why it bothered me so much or why I really care what it was. It just seemed strange that she went in the house a got whatever it was before I could see it.
OK, I'll play devil's advocate here..Frist thign I'll say is don't assume. You did not see what it was you only assume it was something you were not supposed to see because she moved it.
You outed her EA with an old high school chum/olf friend correct? A couple of weeks ago you outed them right?? If I have you confused with another sitch forgive me, I am following many and they all seem to get cluttered in my head at times..
Ok, lets say she has gotten a gift from someone or bought herself something nice, or maybe it was a gift for you?? She did not want you to see it because it was a gift for you, or because someone else gave her a gift, not romantic, maybe not from her old friend but from someone else, Maybe she's afraid that if you saw it you will assume. Maybe her fears are founded because you do seem to be assuming. maybe it was clothing that neede to go to the dry cleaners or was dirty and she put them away..maybe it was clothing she ripped or tore and needed to be thrown out..it could be anything.
You've made good progress. Things seem to be better. Don't let assumptions side track you. I say forget it. I also say stay out of her purse. It may seem like a lack of trust for her if you go in it, even if you always have..
Forget about it..unless you know what was then you have nothing to worry about. JMO.
lack of sleep has your mind racing over this
Last edited by M from Tennessee; 07/25/0803:34 PM.
It's the same question the MC asked me when I told her I was drinking on the anti-depressents and it was when we were drinking that my wife and I had the biggest blowouts. I have quit drinking (again - quit for 17 years before). The anti-depressents won't do it's job if a person is drinking. So I was doing behavior which was opposite of what I was trying to achieve in my M.
You have been doing well and now you are throwing a wrench into it yourself. Why? If you chase it in you will find your answer.
Forget the clothing. MFT is right on target. You have no idea what it was. But like me, you have to project negatively and make it out to be the worst possible scenario. Put a rubber band on your wrist and snap it every time you find yourself projecting negatively - then change it either a positive projection or a neutral one. (ie: maybe it's a gift for me, or better yet, I have no idea what it was and refuse to drive myself crazy by thinking it's something that's going to be a negative)
I'm a snooper, but realized it's just putting my POWER into someone else's hands. Not healthy. When I think the other shoe is going to drop I can easily find evidence of it from neutral things. I'm looking through lenses that are tainted with the fear of the other shoe dropping so everything looks like what I'm afraid of. Hope that makes sense.
Ken
Last edited by ken; 07/25/0804:19 PM.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
It's the same question the MC asked me when I told her I was drinking on the anti-depressents and it was when we were drinking that my wife and I had the biggest blowouts. I have quit drinking (again - quit for 17 years before). The anti-depressents won't do it's job if a person is drinking. So I was doing behavior which was opposite of what I was trying to achieve in my M.
You have been doing well and now you are throwing a wrench into it yourself. Why? If you chase it in you will find your answer.
Forget the clothing. MFT is right on target. You have no idea what it was. But like me, you have to project negatively and make it out to be the worst possible scenario. Put a rubber band on your wrist and snap it every time you find yourself projecting negatively - then change it either a positive projection or a neutral one. (ie: maybe it's a gift for me, or better yet, I have no idea what it was and refuse to drive myself crazy by thinking it's something that's going to be a negative)
I'm a snooper, but realized it's just putting my POWER into someone else's hands. Not healthy. When I think the other shoe is going to drop I can easily find evidence of it from neutral things. I'm looking through lenses that are tainted with the fear of the other shoe dropping so everything looks like what I'm afraid of. Hope that makes sense.
Ken
Makes complete sense, thanks I needed that 2x4. I was fine until she called this morning and wanted to know if I was mad at her. I had gotten over the piece of clothes but that comment hurt. I have not gotten angry or raised my voice in a long time but she still cringes when I am not in a good mood.
I can not always have a PMA around her but this just beats it home that I must until both of us heal form all of this. There are times I hurt and want to hold her but cant and remain positive thru it all this was just a slip on my part.
Hi Distressed.. finally found your new thread as the link in your signature links back to the one that is locked!
Just a thought about your past few days, from a wife who walked on eggshells for years.. all she can see is the BEHAVIOUR looks the same, she doesn't know the intentions or the thoughts that accompany it (& those are different??)
She asked you multiple times over multiple days, what is wrong & if you are mad at her for something. I think she will draw her own conclusions if you don't provide something. You are feeding her fear & insecurities it seems to me (not that she isn't doing the same for you, but you can only control your actions).
Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
The big thing I think is she is picking up something other than a PMA.
I too get frustrated a bit that I have to be 'perfect' in the PMA regardless of what is happening. We are not allowed to express our real feelings, but that comes with the territory.
I ask myself, would I rather have the freedom to express myself honestly, or would I rather get my wife back. Answer is a given. Hopefully there will come a day where I can express my feelings honestly. But not today. At least not to her.
Ken
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
I too get frustrated a bit that I have to be 'perfect' in the PMA regardless of what is happening. We are not allowed to express our real feelings...
The trick here is to make the PMA your true feelings.
thats it and thats all.
of course, I know thats the hard part.
thats what i'm fighting with too. that why you/I detach, GAL, etc etc.
You're doing great, you're in the friendship phase. look back a few weeks and what were you thinking then? let my tell you what i'm thinking: If i get in the friendship phase, i'll be the happiest DBing DAM you've ever seen.
of course, I know thats the hard part.
I'm a DAM, i'm not stupid.
Just keep up the good work, when the doubts creep in, hit them with the 2x4 so you dont have to hit to yourself.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Hi Distressed.. finally found your new thread as the link in your signature links back to the one that is locked!
Just a thought about your past few days, from a wife who walked on eggshells for years.. all she can see is the BEHAVIOUR looks the same, she doesn't know the intentions or the thoughts that accompany it (& those are different??)
She asked you multiple times over multiple days, what is wrong & if you are mad at her for something. I think she will draw her own conclusions if you don't provide something. You are feeding her fear & insecurities it seems to me (not that she isn't doing the same for you, but you can only control your actions).
Peace Bridge
It only happened last night. I have been at work by 5:30 all week, then have not sat down until almost 9:00 every night even last night. I'm tired, I have been fine and the W and I have been getting along and I was sleeping well. It was just strange to see an artical of clothing in her purse and I was not interested in it until she moved it.
I think she thought I was mad because she was out at her GF house till 10:30 and I was not but between the long hours and my overactive imagination I tossed and turned. She probably thougt I was upset about her being out late because I was asleep when she got home. I did not care but like everything in life it all happens at one time and we both are guessing at what the other is doing.
And Bridge I understand that how I was looked like the old me but it still hits me hard when she asks if I'm mad. It reminds me of how I was and all the pain I have caused her and worse of all she remembers it. I'm fighting my past and it sucks.
