Losing, in a curious way, is winning.

[Bridgestone]

when you get to the end of that circle (right back where you started from) you have to find a way to move left or right.. and start a new circle. Now.. someone has to lead.. really they do.

I'm in counseling, reading new things trying to get a different perspective that allows me to 'do something different' in the moment than I would otherwise. Having the confidence to Speak up for example. There have been times I have chosen to speak my mind & make my thoughts, emotions, wants clear in the room. Sometimes it makes a difference, yet during the times he 'shoots holes in them with his logic', I want to quit. Someday I'll have more energy to be confident in the assertations I put out in the room longer. I am different than I was 2 weeks ago, and definately than 2 years ago. Right now, changing me in a way that is healthy for me, is enough right now.

I have long felt that the WAS is in just as much pain.. and has endured more pain than the LBS. So we can take from that.. the WAS is breaking the cycle.

I would agree

Thats a good thing.. and yet.. its a bad thing. Right here is the fight that is DB.com How does one LBS.. or WAS.. make things better?

I'm trying to make me better. I hope he is trying to make him better. When we come together how the new 'me' & 'he' interact needs to be tried on. And sometimes it is still really really ugly... but I also think it is at those times that we are not the 'new me & he' but the old. The patterns of interaction, percpetions, assumptions, & attitudes, didn't get to this place over night, it will not change over night either.

One commitment we made to each other was to try and maintain a friendship. That has been the one thing that seemed to have kept both of us in contact outside of being parents.

How can you be friends with someone who is WA. How can you be friends with someone who acts like a crazy fool? This.. I don't get.

detachment to a level that their choices don't create the gut reaction in you the way it does when you're emeshed.

My current philosophy is: it is almost impossible for us to tackle the major issues of the R without more effective communications tools.

The second you think it.. someone can see it.

You do need some Snap-On quality tools. Now you do pay a premium for them. Usually about 3 times what a tool normally costs. The reason they cost so much.. is because they take the time to make them right. There is that "Time" word again.. it always seems to come up.

It will take Time.. we have only been trying these new tools for a few weeks, maybe a hour or so a day. I need to give it Time. The see-saw need a chance to rebalance. I just hate it the bone-jarring hurt I get when it doesn't rebalance before my end slams to the ground. I need to remember that when it is hurting, is when we have the opportunity to learn.

If we can tackle the issues of the R, then work on rebuilding a new R for a new M. It still is a roller coaster of a ride, we're just in different cars.

The second you WA.. "He" moves to the front.. "You" move to the back.

Not sure I understand this analogy so much. But I can say that when he is verbally abusive or make work-aholic choices that affect our kids... we aren't in the same car then either. I can only change me, living with him is not healthy for me when he is verbally abusive. I can not change that, only he can. I can do what I need to do for me to be healthy, which at this point is for me to live separately. I can not change his work habits & choices, only he can. I don't have to like it though. No more than he has to like me WA.

I have always thought the back was more "Fun".

Oh me too!! Way more air time from the seat!!

How bout we get off.. stand in line.. and ride in the middle?

Not sure about that one right now. I suppose it's an option, but until there are some changes, especially for my safety, that he can provide through consistant & regular behaviours, I'm choosing not to be in the same car where I'm strapped in with him.

[Bridgestone]

So.. you went to the C.. for communication training.. and came home with a bucket full of crap. It happens. That "person" sitting in that chair.. with the degree.. expects both of you to get it. The C was showing you something.. you both get a F.

Yep.. for the end results that day I agree, however, I am happy with my effort for as long as I made it. 2 hours home in the car with him after being 2 hours in the car to C and an hour in C, was a long time for me interacting with him. It will hopefully get better as we use the tools more.

4 days ago- Went dark, minimal contact only for the kids, GAL

So... the question becomes.. is this not a "repeat" of what has happened before? At some point.. this tool worked. Stop using it.. this tool does not smell like cheese.

It did work, at least from my perspective. It quit giving him/me/us the opportunity to digress down the old spiral/circle/pattern. Provided breathing room, thinking time, processing time, energy building time. Sometimes going dark is just as much for me as for him.

3 days ago- GAL continued, told H. I can't control his choices, & he has to live with the consequences. He talked, I listened (nothing new there) but SC's bubble analogy made all the difference for me. Forgave H for his lies from 5 days ago, asked him to quit pushing me and this tenuous R back to a M before it is ready. He agreed.

Right here.. you made a choice. You expressed it.. and it worked. Right here would be a focus point. Look at this circle.. and figure out how you got there.

by having space, thinking time, processing time, energy rebuilding time to have my confidence to state what I wanted outloud in the room

Keep your head up Bridgestone... it is the only way you can see whats coming.

I'm trying to forrest thanks for the neck brace

[Bridgestone]

Distressed.
I have been through both books< love without hurt, and HTIYMWT.. great books for my sitch. I need to go over them again and again... I need to work on the parts it asks me to work on. Getting in touch with my feelings is hard. I have stuffed them & taken on H's for so long.

As much as I see this pattern described in the book explaining how we got here, it doesn't just seem to be from his perpsective. It also fits me I have told him I feel shamed & disrespected, he has told me he is fearful. So in some instances I see the reverse being true for us, from what is described in the book. Not all the time, but some of the time.

Your perspective is helpful. Thank you so much. I hope you can keep posting.

[Bridgestone]

Glad you're feeling the satisfaction of a DIY project.

Next lesson, start earlier so that the hardware store isn't closed when you accidently strip the pipe threads. Starting a plumbing project after dinner is kind of like deciding to install a new version of powerpoint right before you give a presentation. It SHOULD work but sometimes there are some unexpected outcomes.

lodo

ahh.. but I had already learned a little lesson from the 'plumbing for dummies' book I checked out from the library. After I disconnected the water lines from the old faucet, I installed shut off valves first on my sinks water lines.. so if I did have problems with what I installed new, I could shut off the water to it and turn it on to the rest of the house! THEN call the plumber in the morning.

But, no need for that phone call

sometimes I get lucky.. sadly it was with the plumbing LOL

[Bridgestone]

(((Bridge))) I actually came looking for you. Sounds like you had a conquest, albiet with the neighbor's help. Still, I'm easily impressed. I hope things are good for you all day.

Thanks for coming to look for me Wifey. I have a had a few good days now and a few good things in every day.

I hope you have had the same.
Peace.
Bridge

[Bridgestone]

Hey Bridge, be careful talking about plumbing around here, the natives get restless. LOL

Congrats to you !!

Hugs.

bring it on.. i could use some restless natives or even calm immigrants.


Seriously, Thanks SC... that project has been waiting for a while.. you're plumbing story got me inspired kudos to you.

Peace & hugs
Bridge

[Bridgestone]

Hey BridgeS,

So I'm supposed to go to DC to research some primary sources. Wanna do it for me while you're there? Is the Smithsonian going to be one of your stops? It'd be fun!

lodo

Sure, I love a mission... what do you need?
Bridge

[Distressed67]

Glad you liked the book. Like I said I read it before I got DB and it really hit home. After IC and reading a book on anger management I started on DB.

I take a little bit from each book I read that applies to my sitch or I feel is what I need to use to make myself better.

I will keep posting and giving you my DAM POV. I am happy the MC and your trip to Wally World which I assume is WalMart was a more pleasent experience with your H. Hopefully you build onto it.

[lodo]

dang bridge, you're starting to post like sandi2. This'll take all night to read! Were you just storing up?

[lodo]

Hi bridge, was wondering if you'd be back or not.

Yeah.. me too.

I sent you a message by another medium, but I hope you don't stop posting.

The C yesterday (we went again yesterday) said it is common as a couple tries new tools it upsets the balance of how we hear & listen & we are out of our comfort zone. So while it hurts and things get said & heard differently, it also is a good sign that we are both changing.

I'd say listen to that C - but it's also about accepting those changes. That takes time.

He also for the first time last night opened up a lot about his view of himself as a workaholic and how it impacted his view of the M and me and the kids.

What were you thinking while this was going on?

So, back to those creative juices. If you go to DC and stay in a separate room, how can you do that in a way that sends a positive message?

Not sure how to make it a 'positive' message. Suggestions?

I don't know. I guess I'd just be open and honest. Say "H, I'm apprehensive and nervous about this trip because of the awkward sleeping arrangements. It would be a great relief if you could simply accept that I need the space for my own reasons so that I can relax and enjoy the trip."

lodo