Just wanted to let you know Brian that I'm reading along but Ian, Mike and Gypsy at the very least appear to have a balanced enough view that hopefully you can sit back and ruminate on a little (not too much! that's bad for the head).
I like Gypsy's suggestion very much of the linking up with W on how to approach your dad. United front to your parents can't help but show you still consider the two of you to be a team, *particularly* where d11 is involved. Ditto to 'it ain't superman time'.
Under normal circumstances I would completely agree about the united front with your dad. Roght now however is not the time to approach her with a teamwork style of doing this given her current opinions on your marriage.
Brian, do not defend. I understand how you feel and that you tried to prioritize, take care of things, and be in charge. It is the nurturer and provider in you. Have you taken the Briggs Meyer personality profile, if not, do so. I imagine you will come out as a Provider. I am one myself. Your finances are tracking right along with how mine went with my wife. You believe you are doing what needs to be done, and they just don't agree because they weren't involved.
Acknowledge to her that you should have kept her more informed (you should have). Let her know that you understand that while you were simply trying to do what was best, you may not have gone about it the best way possible. Let her see that you understand that your tendancies as a provider are to take charge and sometimes that leads you to not communicate as well as you should have.
I know you see this as something you felt you did right, and your heart was in the right place. However you need to get your involved in the financial aspects of your marriage. It is importnat and she needs to see that you understand that she fealt uninformed.
I can totally relate to you in this. I handle all the finances and half the time i end up juggling things in order to pay bills. H doesn't want to know about it cause he says it stresses him out. He just asks if we are ok.
I know that we are in to very different sitch's but when my H got really really mad cause i mixed something up and he didn't know about it until after the fact, it helped to just agree with what i could... For instance in your case, you don't have to agree that she is stupid or that it's all your fault, but you could say "you are right, i should have made sure that you knew exactly what our finances looked like" You are validating her feelings without agreeing to the BS... It's amazing what hearing "you are right" can do.
My dad pretty much ignores my whole family (me, H and Ds), it used to make me feel better to yell at him about it, but i've realized that it's just the way he's going to be. Is it possible that he didn't see her? I can't imagine not acknowleging an aquaintence, much less family.
Keep going... ann
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
Sometimes this is a rollercoaster.. other times a storm at sea, a wildfire, whatever type of conflict comes to mind.
Emotional impulses are your enemy. Remove the wick from the candle.
As far as the finances go, get everything in order and show your thought process. A timeline and orderly paperwork takes the steam out of most situations. It is what it is. Work from the present.
Just wanted to let you know Brian that I'm reading along but Ian, Mike and Gypsy at the very least appear to have a balanced enough view that hopefully you can sit back and ruminate on a little (not too much! that's bad for the head).
I like Gypsy's suggestion very much of the linking up with W on how to approach your dad. United front to your parents can't help but show you still consider the two of you to be a team, *particularly* where d11 is involved. Ditto to 'it ain't superman time'.
Under normal circumstances I would completely agree about the united front with your dad. Roght now however is not the time to approach her with a teamwork style of doing this given her current opinions on your marriage.
Brian, do not defend. I understand how you feel and that you tried to prioritize, take care of things, and be in charge. It is the nurturer and provider in you. Have you taken the Briggs Meyer personality profile, if not, do so. I imagine you will come out as a Provider. I am one myself. Your finances are tracking right along with how mine went with my wife. You believe you are doing what needs to be done, and they just don't agree because they weren't involved.
Acknowledge to her that you should have kept her more informed (you should have). Let her know that you understand that while you were simply trying to do what was best, you may not have gone about it the best way possible. Let her see that you understand that your tendancies as a provider are to take charge and sometimes that leads you to not communicate as well as you should have.
I know you see this as something you felt you did right, and your heart was in the right place. However you need to get your involved in the financial aspects of your marriage. It is importnat and she needs to see that you understand that she fealt uninformed.
Hang in there Brian, and yes....be still.....
Ian
Ian...
I totally agree the last thing she wants at this point is to 'united' with me on any front.
Yes I have taken the test, turns out I am ESTJ (supervisor/provider), I figured out with the latest convo it doesn't do any good to defend, cause right now she is not at any point to admit whether she was involved or knew about them at all right now it's just all my fault okay that's fine. Even though she had always said she wanted nothing to do with the finances as long as there was money she didn't care but I hear you, I should have still made a better point more often of talking about it.
It's weird she has gotten to the point where if I validate her she tells me to knock it and quit validating.
Hangin in there the ball is in her court as to what amount of importance she puts on this if it is enough to put her over the top or not, her comment about finding a lawyer that would give us a 2 for 1 deal (bankruptcy & divorce) kinda stung abit but didn't react to it.
I can totally relate to you in this. I handle all the finances and half the time i end up juggling things in order to pay bills. H doesn't want to know about it cause he says it stresses him out. He just asks if we are ok.
I know that we are in to very different sitch's but when my H got really really mad cause i mixed something up and he didn't know about it until after the fact, it helped to just agree with what i could... For instance in your case, you don't have to agree that she is stupid or that it's all your fault, but you could say "you are right, i should have made sure that you knew exactly what our finances looked like" You are validating her feelings without agreeing to the BS... It's amazing what hearing "you are right" can do.
My dad pretty much ignores my whole family (me, H and Ds), it used to make me feel better to yell at him about it, but i've realized that it's just the way he's going to be. Is it possible that he didn't see her? I can't imagine not acknowleging an aquaintence, much less family.
Keep going... ann
Hi ann...
Oh how I know the juggling all to well. Lik I said W was like as long as there is money in the checking account I don't care.
I should have not tried defending my position kinda gets to a point where you get abit tired of being the punchin bag for everything, so I backslid abit hopefully not too bad only time will tell if this was/is the deciding factor. Just abit confused as to why she is going to her D L with the financial info that could kinda go against me, I think she made the comment I am going to him cause I him leaving all my options open in this matter as to making a decision. She says she gets tired of hearing me validate her feelings and tells me to stop.
I'm pretty sure he saw her from what they said. The front door has one of those chimes on it when it opens and I think pretty much anybody always looks to the doot when they hear that. My parents are pretty petty people so unfortunately it doesn't surprise me in the least.
Sometimes this is a rollercoaster.. other times a storm at sea, a wildfire, whatever type of conflict comes to mind.
Emotional impulses are your enemy. Remove the wick from the candle.
As far as the finances go, get everything in order and show your thought process. A timeline and orderly paperwork takes the steam out of most situations. It is what it is. Work from the present.
Don't get yer pistons in a jam.
*hugs*
Hey Gypsy...
How right you are it's whatever conflict you can think of all rolled into one.
Interesting analogy, but I get it no wick/fuse nothing to light...
Funny thing is that I can tell her almost to the penny where it all went, but she isn't at a point to listen so I'm not gonna push it.
Just wanted to let you know Brian that I'm reading along but Ian, Mike and Gypsy at the very least appear to have a balanced enough view that hopefully you can sit back and ruminate on a little (not too much! that's bad for the head).
I like Gypsy's suggestion very much of the linking up with W on how to approach your dad. United front to your parents can't help but show you still consider the two of you to be a team, *particularly* where d11 is involved. Ditto to 'it ain't superman time'.
Purple...
Right now all I can do is wait and be still, she is bouncing the ball in her court. Just waiting for the whistle to blow...
Both D's are going to be going out of town with my Inlaws for the next 10 days and W is NOT looking forward to being alone. She has voiced to me that she is not happy about it, this will be the first time since they moved out she will truly be by herself. I am curious if she will reach out to me in this time frame. Had the financial sitch not reared its ugly head I had planned on asking her out but I don't think that would be a good idea in the scheme of things at this point.
Hopefully W will take the time to really do some sole searching as to what she wants her/our direction to be. She hates to be alone so don't know how she will fare, they have been her crutches so to speak in all of this, she will now be on her own to deal with it as I have been for the last 3 months...
Just breezing through. Keep your chin up man. We have a pact, if either one of us starts to have a chin that begins to slump, then the other one must raise it and prop it up with a stick or something. Kind of a funny thought. Stay positive brother. I believe in you and so does the Lord, of course.
