Losing, in a curious way, is winning.

[Bridgestone]

"That's what learning is, after all; not whether we lose the game, but how we lose and how we've changed because of it and what we take away from it that we never had before, to apply to other games." R. Bach- The Bridge Across Forever


Re-cap of my sitch.

I am a WAW. I left Husband of many years, together many before we married. We have 2 kids, both teen-agers. After 8 months of counseling, both Individual and Marriage, his job, he is a work-aholic- continued to have priority over counseling appointments, in addition his verbal abuse and anger, which he exhibited for years was becoming worse. He was also taking physical actions to prevent me from leaving rooms when we would argue. Those things in combination were the proverbial last straw and I moved out in the summer of 2007.

I have been working a full-time job that is mentally demanding, yet flexible in its hours, and pursuing a graduate degree for the past 6 years. He is a part-owner & operator of a multi-generational family-owned business. His typical work-week is 70-80 hours, with more during certain high stress times of the year.

I continued in my counseling working on family of origin issues: perfectionism, self-esteem issues, passive-aggressive, self-silencing. His initial counselor referred him to an anger specialist, to whom he went 3 times between when I left & Halloween. He has not been back.

Upon the initial separation he seemed to be doing some DB techniques- "acting as if", "being my friend", but these were from articles our MC gave us initially during counseling. But he was also doing lots of non-DB things- calling at all times of the day & night, alternating between love & hate talk, making promises, then threats, etc.

One comittment we made to each other was to try and maintain a friendship. That has been the one thing that seemed to have kept both of us in contact outside of being parents.

I came to this site after I googled "while your spouse decides", the title of the article our MC gave us. I lurked because I felt like it gave me a glimpse into what I thought he might use a "playbook" to get me back. I stayed because I found that WAW/H voices need to be heard on this forum and it helps me see another perspective from others I don't find as threatening as my H and well as the incredible support from my VR team for the efforts I am making to be the best me I can be, either in or out of a marriage, something that has been lacking in my real-time life, from my real-time friends.

Currently, 13 months later, we are doing couple's communication counseling. My current philosophy is: it is almost impossible for us to tackle the major issues of the R without more effective communications tools. Without tackling the major issues of the R. there can be no M for me and it will continue to be a "friendship" R. If we can tackle the issues of the R, then work on rebuilding a new R for a new M. It still is a roller coaster of a ride, we're just in different cars.

My old thread is here.

[Neilh23]

Bridge-
when you get a chance, please see if i'm on the right track with what i'm doing....i know about my impatience...LOL..
thanks bunches

[Bridgestone]

Good morning all,
Another drizzly day here after a week-end of more rain, more rain, and oh yeah and then more rain.

I have been sitting here since 5:15am, writing my new thread intro (I locked a thread or SC locked it for me, couldn't have asked for a better way to go out!!).

I've been trying to think of what to write for my 1st posting after my intro..

How to recap the past 5 days... not sure I can effectively, but I'll try.

5 days ago- C for communication, big blow up after getting back. Told H. I would not play his 'games'.

4 days ago- Went dark, minimal contact only for the kids, GAL

3 days ago- GAL continued, told H. I can't control his choices, & he has to live with the consequences. He talked, I listened (nothing new there) but SC's bubble analogy made all the difference for me. Forgave H for his lies from 5 days ago, asked him to quit pushing me and this tenuous R back to a M before it is ready. He agreed.

2 days ago- GAL continued, H & I went out for a drive, commiserated about some friends actions which excluded the both of us. Took other friends up on their offer of supper & went to a concert we had been planning for several weeks.

Yesterday- Invited H to my place for lunch, worked on MC homework together, he went back to work, stopped back for ice cream with D after supper. We talked plans for a family vacation to DC. I'm anxious about that, asked him about getting 2 hotel rooms, he didn't see why.. ugg.

D has babysitting clinic all week this week, hopefully will give me some time to get things done for school.

Thanks to those of you who have sent your support via here and through other means. It has been more helpful than you know.

Distressed.. the books should be here today and am looking forward to reading them.

Lodo- lots of thoughts, hesitant to act, still "watching & waiting"

SC- Your bubble analogy was shared with H and he told me he could live with bubbles but not with walls. I liked where he took it and it has given us a common understanding now of that 'emotional separateness' that we needed to be healthy. Thank you

Kalni- It's nice to know someone is reading and thinking of me, as I do you in yours.

Forrest- The conflict cycle seems to fit. She does not feel loved, so she does not give respect. He does not feel respected, so he does not give love. Am still working on how to break that cycle. thanks for all your insights and support, despite our different polarities, possibly resulting in poor solubility, I'm willing to learn.

Peace
Bridge

[Purple]

This time zone crap sux...I have to go put d to bed.

Hi Bridge!!!!

[Purple]

Oh. And I posted an invite to the alternate universe...

[Neilh23]

We talked plans for a family vacation to DC. I'm anxious about that, asked him about getting 2 hotel rooms, he didn't see why.. ugg.

Hey Bridge...

this struck something with me. If he doesn't see why, so what? If he refuses to acknowledge your desire to get separate rooms, just get one yourself and tell him. It's his choice to be stubborn about it and see the bigger picture.....not yours. My impression from this board is that if you want something and the S doesn't, just do it, esp. if they don't want/see the need for it.

My W would always want a coffee from Tim Hortons when we left my parents house. Sometimes we would stop...sometimes we woulnd't because I didn't see why she would want it. The times we didn't stop built alot of resentment in my W, when all she had to do was say "I want this." instead, she shut down.

Now, it's not the same sitch, but the concept is the same. You want something, he doesn't see the need for it. Tell him you need this (perhaps you already have.) Just do it then if he still doesn't get it.

I hope that makes sense....from a DAM (occasionally an Advanced DAM)

[upside_downer]

I like what Neil had to say. Most men are too dumb to understand that even little things are important, like his coffee example.

Be kind to us dummies, Bridge. Oh yeah, and HI I'm a newbie to your thread.

[Bridgestone]

We talked plans for a family vacation to DC. I'm anxious about that, asked him about getting 2 hotel rooms, he didn't see why.. ugg.

Hey Bridge...

this struck something with me. If he doesn't see why, so what? If he refuses to acknowledge your desire to get separate rooms, just get one yourself and tell him. It's his choice to be stubborn about it and see the bigger picture.....not yours.

Since I'm in charge of making reservations, I think I will just make a 2 room reservation.

My W would always want a coffee from Tim Hortons

I was introduced to Tim Horton's about a year ago by a friend from Canada. Didn't realize they were a US coffee thing too. Much better than Staryucks.

I was told to order my coffee by the # of creamers & sweeteners I wanted.. not sure if that was a canadian thing or a Tim's thing. So I'd like a double-double please!! On ICE today!

Peace
Bridge

[Bridgestone]

Most men are too dumb to understand that even little things are important, like his coffee example.

Be kind to us dummies, Bridge.

I find there is a difference between ignorance and stupidity (dumb).

Ignorance is not being aware of something, but having the capacity to learn it.

Stupidity is being aware of it, but not having the capacity to learn it.

I believe some men are ignorant initially and whether they want to be stupid after they have been told
"HEY the little things matter" is a choice.


Finding the line between kind & co-dependent is where I have issues. I will self-silence my needs & wants if I feel that following through with them will hurt him. That is part of what got us into this mess in the first place.


As a teacher I believe all are capable of learning. But not necessarily to the level that NCLB (no child left behind) says they should!

[Neilh23]

Ignorance is not being aware of something, but having the capacity to learn it.

Stupidity is being aware of it, but not having the capacity to learn it.

yes....this is so true. i was ignorant of that fact. i've learned it.

As a teacher I believe all are capable of learning. But not necessarily to the level that NCLB (no child left behind) says they should!

i'm a teacher too. LOL. and yes i agree with what you've said. LOL......we all have the ability to learn...just that NCLB doesn't quite apply all the time!