The continuing story of the Lake Erie Shore

[poet]

Good job on the goals, Neil.

SG has another site where we can put our goals too. I added three the other day. Maybe I'll even put them in my thread. One of them already came true. LOL H spends more time at home when I'm there.

s

[sgctxok]

Hi Neil...good job!

Let's refine them....and try to keep only 2 or 3 DB goals. DB goals are action oriented, positively stated, small, attainable in the next 2 weeks (or so)...things you Want More OF.

So you have them listed as things you will do....but they are positive and small enough. So here's the tweak:



I want to make my wife Smile
Simple. Newly stated:

She will smile at me.



I want her to feel comfortable talking to me about things other than our sitch

This is vague. How will you know when she is comfortable? What will she be saying? Where will you be? What will she talk about?


I want to be able to spend QT wit hher and the kids

Again this is vague. What will you be doing? Are you at your house having a movie night? Will you all go to a park? What does this look like to you and your family? Is this doable in the next 2 weeks? If not, what would have to happen first?



I want to give her "words of affirmation"
I want to be creative in trying to speak her LL.


This is a 'to do' item, which is different than a DB goal. It's still a good thing to do. I assume you've detected that Words of Affirmation is one of her primary LL.

How will you go about doing this. And How will you know you've achieved that goal.....What will she be saying and what will she be doing? (Maybe this is connected to that smile above)


good job.




And smartcookie: that was very solution oriented advice

[sgctxok]

doh! I got your message.....but you see what I did with your previous goals. Your new goals look like continuing the same plus:

I want to increase the amount of QT I spend with her and the girls together

By how much...again....what do you want to be doing.


I want to be "myself" when i am around her...and not walk on eggshells worrying about saying something wrong


This is a to do list item when written. When you achieve it, how will you know....what will she say, what will she do?



I want to continue to work on myself, esp. at expressing my emotions (not necessairly to her...yet)


Again, a 'to do' list. When you have expressed your emotions, how will you know you've done a good job?

I want to work on having patience

Actually, patience works you.
How will you know when you have it?

[pisces9]

Neil- the list you made of your progress is just like putting pebbles in a jar like Bill said- they are really starting to add up- and i agree with everyone else...she wants them to have a more normal expectation when they are with the both of you-- i think that will work in your favor and she will want to do more family stuff...

also- SG's input is amazing above- you are making srides in the right direction...
good work GRASSHOPPA...

[poet]

"How will you know when you have it?"

Good Question, SG,

I fear/doubt I will never have it. I shiver/shake at the very thought of it. I'm too strong-willed.

s

[Neilh23]

SG-
so i need to have something definable written down...such as

My wife will start opening up more aobut things to me when i don't walk around on eggshells around her.

is that what you mean?

Pisces....whilst i know it....i have this self-doubt thing going on....LOL.....it's also tough to do something for myself when i have the kiddies...mind you, i don't mind...but i've come to realize the importance of that.....getting the chance to do that soon tho.............

suzanne.....if i can have patience, so can you. trust me. LOL

[pisces9]

im sure having the kiddies is a lot of play/work and fun....i bet they make you smile all the time...for the most part -LOL!

self doubt is a scary creature- it is something to work on forever..i dont think it will ever go away..it is with us and pushes us to be better people...

[Bworl]

Here are my new goals...

I want to continue to make my W smile when she's around me

What makes her smile Neil? Why did she smile when you were together? Are there other things that would make her smile?

I think what you're really saying is that you'd like your wife to see you and smile because she's happy that you're there.

So the question is, what do you need to do in your interactions with her that would make her HAPPY to see you? And maybe that involves also considering what kind of behaviors from you make her unhappy to see her.


I want to continue to increase her confidence and comfortableness in talking to me

Talking to you about what Neil? Just things in general, or things specific to the relationship between the two of you?

The first one will be easier than the second. What are you learning about communication and being an active listener? Showing her that you are interested in what she has to say, and are capable of really listening actively are the things that will make her WANT to talk to you about things.

Sharing her feelings about your relationship will only come when you've succesfully accomplished the first kind of communication. And remember, you're NOT pressing for relationship talk at this time anyway - in fact I would submit that you would do well to AVOID relationship talk for a while yet.



I want to increase the amount of QT I spend with her and the girls together

More days like the one at the pool will make this happen. Show her, as you did that day, that you can enjoy the moment as a family and not turn the day into "Neil and Wife time to get things fixed" and I believe she will be open to spending time as a family.

Very important here to not get caught in the trap of making suggestions or extending invitations with expectations on her response. Remember that she will cycle emotionally and will not always respond favorably.

You offer ideas (hopefully not too much - perhaps a limit on yourself here would help, maybe once a week or every two weeks?) or extend an invitation because you want her to be involved, but you understand completely if she refuses. And no, you don't have to say I understand completely. Just a simple, "That's ok, maybe next time" in a friendly voice will do.


I want to be "myself" when i am around her...and not walk on eggshells worrying about saying something wrong

How detached are you Neil? Have you let go of the rope, so to speak? Being yourself should be a natural thing. You know that your wife is struggling with issues, and you know that YOU are not the only or real cause.

Do you have compassion for her struggles? Are you loving her unconditionally, that is without expectation of reciprocation?

All of these things allow you to walk through your time with her with confidence and assurance. You KNOW you will be alright. You KNOW that a slip of a word, or a funny look is NOT the crucial element in the future of your relationship. Your mind is set that you are going to be you, because YOU is just what she will eventually realize she wants.

It's all attitude. And if you have to ACT AS IF for awhile until it becomes real, so be it.



I want to continue to find innovative ways to speak her LL
I want to continue to give her words of affirmation.
I want to continue to work on myself at expressing my emotions.
I want to work on having patience

As SG pointed out, these are all personal goals. Journaling and getting your thoughts on paper may help you see ways that you need to improve and ways that you are improving.

If you are seeing a counselor, these are things you can share with him/her as goals and seek help in attaining them.

Attach some specifics to these. What are some words of affirmation you can use with her and when? That kind of thing.




This is a bit of a long term goal......... but I want to spend QT with JUST HER by the end of August.


Ah, the Holy Grail.

I'm glad you are realistic enough to realize that this is a long term goal.

And chances are that as you accomplish the goals above, you will begin to realize that your chances are also improving on accomplishing this one.



Great job.

Now, let's get to work.


Blessings,

Bill

[Neilh23]

ok Bill, so what you are telling me is that they need to be focused more on my actions that help me to accomplish my goals.....and detach. How detached am i? LOL....funny...somedays...really well...others...not so much.

i believe i understand. If i am wrong, please correct me

[Bworl]

Yes.

The goals are good. You have identified specific actions you would like to see in your wife.

Now it's time to do some thinking about how to make that happen.

Use what you already know about her and what you've learned as your sitch has developed.


Bill