Steeler Fan 07/09/08

[Truelove]

Hi Steelers,

so if you don't see me posting much, it is not because I am ignoring you and others but I will check in much later.

That is OK. I don't expect people to post all the time. Have a nice and relaxing day. (((HUGS)))

[MidwesternGirl]

Thanks, TL!

It is difficult for me to get on here at times as I have four teens who also want access to the computer.

I hate to rush to read the postings and I hate to post so hastily as well.

It has been a quiet day.

[MidwesternGirl]

got some texts tonight and of course he said i love you. i asked him how he was feeling and he said better. then he said he would talk to me tomorrow.

do you know how badly i wanted to tell him that i hate his living arrangement????? i kept my mouth shut.

[SirPrizeMe]

SF, heya once again.
I haven't been keeping up but just read a month of posts from you. (It's a different experience to read em all at one go.)

Here's my $0.02 (and no charge for this!)

• Then I kept thinking: What does he have to be nervous about??? Maybe it is just facing all the stuff he has done. If he comes back he has to really admit how bad he has been for so long. Or, maybe he is nervous about the commitment that reconciling will mean. The realization that if he comes back, he has to be committed this time. No kidding. No backing out. No more escapes. He has to be accountable. Can't come and go as he pleases. Maybe that feels like a scary thing - that commitment.
• I also noticed that while you are very good at holding your tongue with him. So good, it seems in some cases that you could share more. Of course there is no way for me to have better insight into this that you do. It's just an idea. like just now, you wrote "how badly I wanted to tell him that I hate his living arrangement." I wonder, what's the right thing in that case? You've already talked of a 2nd honeymoon, of escaping to the greek isles, ... That seems pretty intimate. I know you want to avoid pressure - he doesn't need more of that. But could you say it gently without pressure? Very quietly or maybe in a very few words, almost offhanded. like a toss-off comment. Some people call it "truth darts." Or maybe a better message is that you need him.
  
  of course, who am I to give you advice - you have been patiently standing for a long time and staying in contact with him, and it has worked for you so far.
• I also notice that you tend to hold back here on the forums, whenever there is something a little too close to home. You wrote of a situation where H blamed you, but you didn't go into any details at all. You explicitly said you didn't want to.
  

  I've just had a rough few days and I really don't want to go into all the details.
  
  Not to mention that H made me out to look like the bad guy and I just listened to him talk and when he sounded very calm again and said he better get back to work, I just hung up on him.
  

  
  Sharing with us is your prerogative. I certainly understand someone who doesn't want to let everything out here. Is there anything about you that makes you want to pull back from sharing habitually?

[MidwesternGirl]

Okay let me try and answer your ?'s the best I can.

I think his coming home would be like coming into a pressure cooker. Not with me but because of what I have gone thru with S17. S17 has been known to do a dad said this and that and make me out to look like the bad person when it comes to rules and discipline. I do not think H will be back home until S moves out.

Now it would be pressure for me to tell him I don't like his living arrangement and that I need him. I base that on what I have said about what I have been thru with S17.

I hold back, yes, because I have to. It is not about H or about me, and if H did come home, I think we would have a lot of trouble due to what is going on with S17. I cannot really spell it out more than that.

I think sometimes we forget that MLCers such as my husband who it seems like I can talk to quite easily these days, has his moments, too.

He shows he is sorry in his own way. I accept that.

[Bworl]

Just my opinion, but if your S17 is all that's holding your husband back from coming home, and if it's all about the pressure that he would face dealing with S17 and his antics, what in the world is H going to do the first time you all have a rocky moment? Bail again?

I just don't buy these MLC'ers for whom life has to suddenly be perfect before they can return. Life is not perfect. It never is. The life YOU have been living has been FAR from perfect, in large part due to his abandoning his family. And no, I don't mean financially.

There does appear to be a decent amount of chaos in your house SF. On the one hand you seem to hold off on dealing with it, wanting H to take charge a bit. On the other hand you tell us that H is not capable of handling that chaos and that's why he's not coming home.

I think your husband has a pretty good setup in terms of being able to pay the bills and avoid as much as possible the stresses of making a household work on a limited income, and deal with teenage children and their friends. Pretty good deal indeed.

Personally, I think it's long past time that H got a bit of a reality check. MLC or no damned MLC, he's left you footing the bill. While he drinks, you worry. While he runs off to OW and his life there, you deal with the kids here.

It's not fair.

And to hold him up as though he is some noble MLC'er is just wishful thinking. Time for him to step up and man up.

Again, just MY humble opinion.


Blessings,

Bill

[mishka422]

SF - I'm sorry, but I have to agree with Bill in many ways.

Your H is being worked on by God, yes, but he also has escaped TRUE responsibility for years without any real consequences for his actions.

I'm just curious why you seem to make so many excuses for his bad behavior. Do you think that if you criticize the way he handles or doesn't handle things that it would somehow open a window you can't close?

Just thinking of you SF and how much CRAP H has left you holding the bag for. It makes me so upset for you!

((((((((SF)))))))))

[ACJ]

SF,
Like you I have had a difficult home life with my teens both before and since my H left. In fact I think one of the things that pushed his MLC to the forefront was the behaviour my D18 (then 15) had been exhibiting for some time. Interestingly she got her act together not long after he left.

Unlike you I don't see my H -at all. Not through my choice, through his and OWs protestations that he have nothing to do with me. As of today he is also reneging on his financial commitments to his family.

I want to be a little like you and keep turning the other cheek but it is getting harder and harder. Due to his latest actions I now have to go and very quickly find a third job just to keep my family solvent. This is solely b/c my S15 has gone to live with H.

I really don't know how you keep your cool. I'm finding it harder and harder as the seconds tick by never mind the days. Right now all I want to do is go and kick my Hs front door down but then where would that get me? Whatever I do he just kicks me down a little further. I am determined to keep my dignity but meanwhile my family and my health is suffering.

Take care

[SirPrizeMe]

Whoa! I didn't mean to set off a barrage SF.
Sorry 'bout that. I was just offering food for thought. I don't presume to say "It's HIGH TIME that such-and-such happened!" or something like that. I think you have learned that things happen in their due course. Patience is a virtue. Etc.

You are very accepting of the circumstances you find yourself in, and that seems to be a very good thing. If I were to come in here and get indignant on your behalf, that would be ME showing you my limits.

Like I said, I was just offering food for thought. And also, I thought I'd respond to let you know that I'm here. Still rooting and praying for ya.

[MidwesternGirl]

Let's just say that yes, I am not going to take control of the situation. If I were to get involved, tell H what to do, give ultimatums, that is taking back control of a situation. That might be okay for some but I allowed God to take that control back because when I had taken things in my own hands, it went from bad to worse.

This will work out in God's timing NOT mine.

I accept that and really, things are okay between H and I. He has to choose when he is ready to come back fully committed.