Not much to add to what's been said by others. You're doing great. You going out did end up driving him crazy.
I got him thinking more last Wednesday, and again tonight!
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1) I would be very liberal with the visitation thing. I wouldn't have even said, "you'll be able to go at 7:30" or however you worded it. If it had been me, I wouldn't have been happy with the idea. I mean, you weren't going to be there, so I wouldn't have given him the idea that you'd still like him to leave at the end of the scheduled visitation. Things with a "rigid" visitation feel to them may be part of the reason he hasn't ask for more time. Plus, to be honest, it sucks to ask, kind of like the mom owns them. I would see my kids every day if I could, but I hate calling my ex-w about that stuff. Were I you, I'd probably let him know (if you haven't already) that you want him to see the kids liberally.
Actually, when he said he needed to be in bed by 9. I told him that D16 would be home between 7 and 7:30, so he could leave when he needed to.
The problem with letting him see the kids liberalyl is that he would come over EVERY day, from after work until he put the little kids to bed, then would bolt out the door right after. The kids were not handling it well when he would leave and I was an emotional wreck, feeling like I had to be on point all the time. I did tell, him before, thought, that if he wants more time, he just needs to check and make sure I did not already have somethign planned with the kids.
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2) While staying at the house some of the time is okay, you may want to suggest somehow that he should take them elsewhere for the afternoon. You could kill two birds with one stone (you getting out and having someone to watch the kids) by asking him if he'd mind watching them for a few hours while you ran some errands.
He is supposed to be taking them out, but when the wildfires got really bad, I had suggested ONE time that he could stay here, so that the kids were not out in the smoke. The following week he set up the pool, and has stayed here every visit since then. I usually do leave the house at some point. I babysit my 9 month old great-nephew, so Icannot leave until he is piscked up every day. Here lately, I am out the door within 30-45 minutes of that happening. That is bothering him, as I go out dressed up and he has no idea where I am going.
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3) You did to a certain extent already, but I'd go ahead and flaunt your stuff when you get any opportunity. The swimming was a great time to do it. You could have switch to a bikini and got in the pool to (or did I miss that you did). Wanting what he can't have is a start (but don't give in should the opportunity arise).
LMAO I am still a LONG way from a bikini, but thanks for the vote of confidence. I would have loved to jump in the pool that day but Mother Nature had a different idea and I was not prepared for it. The "girls" are taking center stage a lot more than they have in the past, and that IS getting noticed.
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4) Lastly, don't be blatant about it, but guys do like to have their egos stroked a bit. If you think he looks good without his shirt, don't be afraid to tell him so. Compliments, unless it makes him draw further away, are not completely off limits. Just be casual about it. I think it's great that you complimented his plywood idea...us grunting cavemen need our feminine validation.
I tried this today and did not realyl get a reaction. I asked was he making use of the gym on the ship, as it looked like he had really built up his upper body. He said no, just his regular pushups and situps. I told him, well whatever it was, it looked good on him. He just said, thanks.
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All in all, I think you are doing well. Obviously, you are more used to being husband free more than most wives, so it isn't quite as hard on you. I'm sure you'd like him to just get off the snide and start showing you his intentions, but you'll just have to be patient.
Yes, being a Navy wife does make the separation a little easier--I pretend he is on deployment. However, always in the back of my mind is that he is not home by choice, not because the Navy needed him elsewhere. my patience has increased ALOT since this all started, trust me!
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I am back and glad to find you are your usual self, strong and in control. I know being this way is hard and there are moments when you wish you could quit, but that is normal. Those moments pass quickly, feeling down is human and understandable granted the situation you are in. I admire you. K
Being called strong by you is definitely a compliment!! I will drop by with breakfast later for you!
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I think it will only make things worse--I mean, heck, H's best friend could not get through to him, I am pretty sure someone he barely knows will not either.
May be it won't - make things worse, I mean. I think that my H was looking for approval (or disapproval) of what he's done when he started confessing the A to our friends. And I really appreciated those who went out of their ways to talk sense into him. Of course, he wouldn't listen to them, but it was still sinking in.
((((SMW))))
H's best friend just became a dad for the first time. He now wants to beat my husband until he comes to his senses. He said, and I quote " I am going to bring him to Jesus real soon, mark my words." I am a little nervous about that one!
NO ONE is validating H except the OW. His family has told him he needs to get things right and come home, so have his friends.
SMW
Last edited by sadmilitarywife; 07/11/0804:24 AM.
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
If your husband's friend insists on talking to your H, maybe he should say, "Just wondering, cuz if you don't want her, I have a friend that would be perfect for a great woman like her."
LMAO Phoenix! The guy that wants to talk to H is a casual acquaitance--they work together. His wife and I are goodfriends, and ou r kids spend a lot of time together. He has no use for H right now unfortunately.
When they were walking out of their respective work shops on Tuesday, they ran into each other. had a little exchange about work, then F said, well, I will see you tomorrow--I am going home to play with my kids. Said H looked a little taken aback, but then, today F was talking with another friend and H was right behind them. F said, "I am glad I can go home and play with my kids at the end of the day. It makes it easier to let the work crap go." Said H looked very thoughtful and very unnervd. Like I have posted before, this mini deployment will be interesting!
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Thanks for all of the congratulations about my grade!
Not too much to post about my sitch. The ship pulls out soon for a mini deployment and H has still not given me an email or regular address for the kids to write him. Oh well, his loss. The kids can tell him off when he gets back.
I went to visit my new "adopted" nephew. He is beautiful. It is H's best friend's new son. I got to see first hand how mad F is at H now, it is not pretty!
On an interesting note, I got dressed to leave, adn I put on an older tank top. Well, it is pre-weight loss, and now scoops REALLY low in the front. I put on a really nice bra with some lift to it, and then proceeded to lean over the table to give S2 a kiss good night--directly across from H, so he got a great view--and he took full advantage of it!
Got to F's house and they wanted to know where I was going. Told them jsut coming to see them and the baby. they asked if H knew that was where I was going, said nope! LOL F started laughing and said good keep him guessing, cause I am sure he is by now!
H did not leave until almost 8:30, again. I got home around 10:45. D5 was screaming for her dad--she had just woke up from a bad dream. I got her settled and she asked could we pray again for daddy. I told her absolutely, so we did.
Will not see H until Sunday and I am going to his parents' house for tomorrow and Saturday. The kids will enjoy it and I might get a little break.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I was reading back over my first thread--I cannot believe it has only been two months since I first posted!
I see some big changes in my attitude, not too much in H but I am not surprised about that. But, it seems like he is thinking more--time will tell.
I just keep my faith in Him and know that He will restore my husband in His time. That is something else good that has come out of this--my strengthening faith. God allows thingsto happen as a way to help us grow in Him and I know I had gotten too far from what He wants in my life. so, for now, I keep working on finding me and getting the kids through this with minimal damage and with His guidance to light the way to the end of the tunnel.
I am really glad I found this forum, too. Knowing others support your decision to stand, in the face of what our spouses are putting us through, is big. Some of my RL friends think I am nuts, but say that WHEN he comes home, they will still be there and will welcome him back with open arms too. If I will forgive, they know they can too.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
You know how we always say no good comes from snooping? Well, it is true! My inlaws gave H a cell phone so they could call him. The room that I am sleeping in at their house is where the computer is ans apparently where my FIL pays the bills. I saw the cell phone bill and dumb me had to look.
My H's number has the OW listed as one of his faves and he had over 3000 minutes in calls to her last month! He calls his kids once, maybe twice a week--they get, if they are lucky 10 minutes between the three of the little ones in those calls.
I am absolutely sick to my stomach over it--and I see now how obsessed my husband is with this woman. WHY?????? I do not understand it at all and I do not think I want to know. I do know, though, now, why they say an OW is like an addiction.
I am exhausted and need to pray before I go to sleep.
On a good note, my inlaws are acting as if nothing has changed--like they used to when H was on deployments and I would spend time with them. Maybe I should take lessons from them????
They are coming up to my house to put up a big playset they bought for the kids. Asked my FIL did he think that was a good idea under the circumstances--I might have to move in a year or so. My FIL said "you are not going anywhere any time soon, do not even think like that. Besides, we can always move the set, too."
Off to bed for me--we are going to the beach tomorrow!!
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
