Thinking of you SMW. I actually found a secret phone H had just for his texts/calls to OW. I read 300 messages between the two of them. It still haunts me and I compare his actions with me to the things he said to ow. Calling her beautiful, sexy, etc. I understand how much it hurts. If I could go back I wouldn't read them, but like you, it's too late, we know what we know...
Any way, it doesn't have to mean anything in the long run. It just means in this moment he is having lots of contact with her. I found out recently with my H the increased contact in late spring was mostly arguments. So even though they talk a lot you don't know how much is positive...
Sorry so long winded. Just wanted you to know I am here for you!
BBj--
I am already past the initial shock of the discovery. I am glad that I have not had to see any actual communication from him to her, just those two instant messages I found that comprised the initial bomb. I think seeing more would have destroyed me.
For someone to have that much contact with another person, especially my H who HATES talking on the phone, I know that there has got to be something working behind the scenes. I HAVE to believe that God and Satan are tussling over the situation, and we KNOW who always wins in that battle!
Patience, Patience, Patience--It has become a mantra.
I am glad that I have everyone here. It is kind of a good thing, as you guys do not know him and will not be in the position of forced to forgive him when he comes home--like our RL friends.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I am sorry you got to see that. I am sorry for the pain you must feel. Stay strong, usually even if we know what is going on it really hits us when we get hard proof. It's just another bump. Don't lose focus, you fight for what you think is worth your efforts. Your family is. Love K
{{{{{K}}}}}
Hon, thanks for popping in to see me! I believe the whole shebang is worth every effort, as did you--you would not have fought as long or as hard as you did, if you ahd not believed that. My strength is in the Lord and I take comfort in the knowledge that He is there to support me when I feel the burden is to hard.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I am so sorry to hear about the snooping....it is very difficult to stay away. I still fight today to not snoop. I was at her office one day and I had access to her phone bills but did not look. The only outcome would have been negative. Still it took all of my will to not sneek a peak. You are one strong woman to have seen the bill and kept it together. Addiction or not it still pains me to read this stuff. Keep working at your goal...whatever it may be. I really believe that the most important thing for all of us regardless of where we are in our sitches is to get to a place where WE are content and not becasue of what our spouses do or don't do. Stay strong! J210
John
My goal is full restoration of my marriage. I am so glad that I have found DB and my way back to church. oth of these occurences have helped me in more ways than I can ever enumerate.
have to be honest, I usrprised my self at how well I ahve maintained i nthe face of what I found. I made it through an entire day of my visit with H's parents, then Sunday with the WHOLE family there. Of course, in between both of those events, I went to church and my pastor and I prayed together after services for me to let my anger and disappointment go and find the unconditional love that will allow me to continue my stand. I was at peace when I got home and knew thatthings would go well. They did.
Thanks for your support. Honestly, I have to attribute my strength to my faith, not to any great thing in me.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
You ARE amazing and an inspiration! I'm learning from you, my dear friend.
I'm happy to hear that both events went well, your H's parents sound very supportive of you. Tell us the details when you have a spare minute.
((((((HUGS))))))
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
To be told I am amazing in back to back posts by two women I really admire is just--WOW! Thanks SC and Stella!
On Saturday, the surf was too rough and the red flags were out when we got up. We decided to just take the kids over to the pool again, instead. They loved it and spent several hours being the little fish they are.
My MIL and I sat and talked for quite a bit, something that has not really happened for us before. I am feeling like either I am not so defensive around her or she has softened toward me. Perhaps it is a bit of both. I just know that the two of us enjoyed several conversations on a variety of topics. Of course for her, her biggest fear right now is what is going on in the Middle East and she has two sons in the service. They are her only children. Talks about H were limited to what I know about the deployment and talking about past deployments. I knew she would not get into any of the other stuff.
My FIL, however, was a different story. Dad and I did not really talk until we got back from the pool. S2 was exhausted, so I put him down for a nap, and the girls were playing with the Wii. MIL was getting sides ready to go with dinner and pretty much left FIL and I out on the patio by ourselves. In retrospect, I think it was on purpose.
Dad and I talked about nothing in particular, really, other than the fact that money is tight and the gas prices were not helping it. He asked when my car would be paid off, I told him about a year to 18 months. Said that was good, it would free up more money for the house. Told him payng it off would be good, but it needed work and I was not getting any help achieving that.
He asked what was wrong, told him I need an oil change, two rear tires, and the brakes started squealing a bit last week--however that may be from driving in all the rain, too, since I have not heard it since. He asked if H knew all this, I said all but the brakes--the oil change has been needed since right after H got home, the tires he knew about and were supposed to be done with the income tax return--instead I fixed the exhaust on his car so it would pass inspection. Then, it was supposed to come out of the stimulus--those who read my threads know what happened with that. He said that my not having a safe, operational vehicle was unacceptable and he would talk to H about it. I told him I hoped H would listen, but I did not expect him to. Dad said it was H's responsibility to make sure it was done.
I told him about H keeping $70-80 a payday for himself but only giving me $150-200 for me and the four kids. I asked how do you justify that, FIL said there is no justification and he is disappointed in his son. I told him I had papers drafted for Temp. Order of Support and Custody, but that I did not want to force H's hand like that. I drafted them myself and they are legal once filed. Thank goodness for my schooling so I did not need to pay an attorney for it. FIL sad doing that may prompt H to file a a bankruptcy to get out from under all of his other bills, and may cause me to lose the car. I said I know and that is why I have not done anythign and just managed. Also, a bankruptcy would be detrimental--big time--to his making advancement. Even if he made it and H filed bankruptcy after, they could pull it.
I told him I know that money is tight but there are some things I just cannot make do on--school supplies, the kids' shoes, etc. FIL told me not to worry about it, when the time comes it will be taken care of. I told him that was all fine and good, but that right now he does not want responsibilities, he does not want to be a husband or a father. FIL said seems to him H does not want to be a grown-up.
I got upset, and started to tear up a bit. My FIL says he has tried to talk to H but H has shut him out. H told his dad that he could never understand what he is going through. MY FIL said he feels like H is in some sort of a crisis. I told him about my IC's and my theory on H and the "perfect storm of events". FIL agreed with what we were saying and said he had seen it happen many times over the years with men he had served with when he was in the Navy still.
My FIL gave me a hug and told me he just wanted things back to where they were before and said he saw deployment as an opportunity for that to happen--that the distance would give clarity. I told him I hoped he would at least miss his kids, since H rarely calls them. This was my only reference to the phone. FIL said he knows EXACTLY how much time H spends on the phone and with who. So, they know, and are obviously not thrilled about it.
The rest of the evening went well. We ate dinner, sat and chatted about dinner for Sunday, since they were coming to my house to put up the playset. FIL told me to keep it simple and to not go spending a bunch of money on things. Told him not a problem, I have been stocking my freezer on good weeks to prepare for bad ones. The kids and I left around 7 to drive back home. H did not call them at all on Friday or Saturday, and my FIL made a comment about that, too.
I need to go mow my lawn, will be back in later to post about Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Well, ran to three stores and cut the grass. Weedwhacker is being difficult. The cord sucked back in and I cannot get it open to fix it. Screw it, at least the grass looks good! I will ask H to take a look at it when he gets here
Need to go get a turkey in the oven, take a shower, and finish the laundry that is all over my family room.
I will post later about the other stuff. Just checking in to see how everyone is.
I have a question, too, and am looking for some feedback about how to handle driving H to the pier this evening. I will be taking him by myself and am not sure if I should give him a hug when he gets out of the car. I am not sure what to say, anything!!! UGH Feedback, please!!!!
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
