I say I will put my foot down, but it's not quite that easy. W is, as I have mentioned, a major control freak. The primary reason I acquiesced on so many things during our marriage -- finances, budgeting, decisions on schooling, schedules, etc -- was not because I was incompetent (I was in charge of all that and more long before I met W) but because it seemed to cause everyone so much less stress. But in retrospect, I truly see how it has caused more harm than good. W has gotten worse about stressing over her control of things.
So as I begin to assert my rights & responsibilities over our two S's, W is going to freak out. I see this causing an avalanche of animosity and poor behavior by W. I've gotten plenty of this already as W sees me acting more and more independently of her "wishes".
She totally denies this, but there is no other explanation for much of her reaction. Our MC/IC pegged her key problem exactly.
So as I begin to assert my rights & responsibilities over our two S's, W is going to freak out. I see this causing an avalanche of animosity and poor behavior by W. I've gotten plenty of this already as W sees me acting more and more independently of her "wishes".
She totally denies this, but there is no other explanation for much of her reaction. Our MC/IC pegged her key problem exactly.
I have this problem too, NC! I try to stand firm and not let him yell at me or whatever, but sometimes that's tough for me to do. Does your MC/IC have any suggestions/ideas for how you should handle it when your W freaks out???? If not, I was thinking that would be good to discuss with my IC, also! Karen
W and I have been continuing to spar via email. She sent me a barrage of emails the other day, mostly her trying to dictate to me the terms of settling our marital affairs. She still is demanding that I release the mediator so she can act as W's personal lawyer -- which I am not going to do. Then she expects to control the discussion on child support and child custody.
She is calling my stance on her mileage pay "ugly" -- I insist on it being included as part of her income, and according to my lawyer, it meets state guidelines.
I have written several drafts for a letter I have been contemplating, to send to W, partly in response to what she said in her emails and phone arguments. I have sent nothing yet. I am feeling the urge to send W something as a last resort, since July 7 will be here before we know it and W will surely file that day.
Yes, I know that anything I say to her is highly unlikely to deter her from her reckless course. Especially if she is still lost in the fog of adulterous romance. But still I wonder if I would regret not saying something even so. A last ditch LRT maybe.
She is calling my stance on her mileage pay "ugly" -- I insist on it being included as part of her income, and according to my lawyer, it meets state guidelines.
Ok - I can understand you wanting to use this as a bargaining chip, or perhaps you just want to stick it to her since she's the one ending the marriage. BUT - if you take the emotion out of it and just look at it logically - mileage pay is not really income. It is reimbursement for the additional expenses involved in operating a vehicle, wear and tear, and buying gas for the travel, no?
How much does she get paid for her mileage? Let's say she drives an additional 12,000 miles a year that is work-related. In addition to,say, $2500 worth of gas, she loses maybe an extra 1/10 of the value of her car from those miles - say $2,000 on a $20,000 car. Add in additional car maintenance, tires, oil change and repairs for those extra 12,000 miles - add at least another $500 - $1,000. So in reality - at least the first 40-50cents per mile is just covering her expenses and not real income to her.
So it would not really be fair to include that in her income calculations. It would be like you having a shop, and your income being calculated on your gross receipts rather than on your profit after you paid for the items you sell.
NC- Before sending anything, ask yourself this question: Can anything in this letter be used against you if this goes to court?
Ellie-As a general rule, the criteria for income calculations is whether or not the income is taxable. Using your shop argument, my mortgage payment and bills should be taken off of my income before calculations. We all know that wouldn't be fair.
Me: 44 S: 17 and 7 Final-6-13-08 I once went to a psychic who told me I would soon feel cheated......
I truly understand what you're saying. I've considered this myself. But the state child support guidelines are based on gross income, not net. If we were talking about factoring just our net incomes, after expenses, that would be fine.
Besides, if one wants to look at the sizeable monthly mileage pay as a reimbursement, then one could easily look at one's regular paycheck as nothing more than reimbursement for time and expenses as well.
But I guess it is beneath me to get into a argument of semantics when I have to admit that I am indeed feeling some resentment at W, and that it is coming into play in this. These emotions are suppressed but they are still there, coloring my motives.
I admit that.
I feel like I am having to pay for the consequences for all of her decisions. She wanted to keep this "low-profit" (or so she claims) job when she is the one who complained the most about our finances. She drove up our auto insurance premiums because she insisted on staying in a job driving 3000+ miles a month, when there were good jobs in her profession that don't require such travel. She is the one who used this job, with its lack of scheduling accountability, driving all over creation, to hide her adulterous affair.
I need to get this residual anger out of me. I know. But its so hard when my sense of justice and fairplay has been regularly assaulted. I just don't want her to take anything more from me and my sons than she already has.
Thanks for letting me vent, and for letting me re-examine this. I will consider this some more.
If you or anyone has any more thoughts, please feel free to offer them. I appreciate all of you.
The letter would be nothing more than a statement of how I still feel about her. I have detached from her about as far as I can while still having love for her. But the point is that I do still love her and want what's best for her. Despite the avalanche of pain she's caused me in this last year, I still haven't been able to let go of that love.
I wish I could.
As for it possibly containing anything that could be used against me in a legal proceeding, I don't know. If she wanted to do that, with something that personal, then I guess she wouldn't be worth a last appeal anyway.
The question then -- is she worth it?
I haven't seen anything in her current behavior that I find becoming. She's not the same person. Her contempt for me is beyond anything I thought the woman I thought I married was capable of. And yet I think I can say anything to her she might truly hear?
No, maybe not. I guess I need to really and truly give her over to God instead. I can say nothing to her that won't be twisted by her fog, nothing for the time being. I just need to continue to pray for her and minimize what interactions with her as I can.
