Yes, Karen, they will be back this evening -- I will take custody of our S's tonight, in time for Father's Day. I'm looking forward to it.
I had a good time last night with two of my DivorceCare comrades. We had dinner and ended up closing Chili's together, talking about the latest in our sitch's. So I can't say as I was able to forget the "trigger" date, but at least I wasn't home alone brooding over it, like I would have a year ago.
The thing we've each been remarking about is how each of our spouses have been unusually nice to us these last few days. Is there a particular phase of the moon right now? It's really weird.
Happy Father's Day, nocode. Enjoy your sons. Glad you had a great time at Chilis. Sometimes you can't avoid triggers, but you can do what you can to distract yourself. Good job.
I had a pretty good Father's Day. The boys and I went to church, had lunch, went swimming, talked to family on the phone, caught a movie on VOD, and even got some homework accomplished. We were all pretty tired by the end of the day.
I picked up my S's on Saturday evening. W had them with her Friday night for the "SummerFest" carnival in Little Washington, where her mother and aunt live now. I asked W if she would make it to church the next day -- W got very annoyed that I asked her when she claimed to have told me she always has an early morning patient to see every other weekend when she doesn't have the kids. She asked me why I asked, in a very perturbed tone. I told her no reason, I asked because her plans sometimes do change to allow her to make an unplanned visit to church. But it wasn't important (other than being polite). W was obviously bothered, and said she could not understand why I can never listen to her.
She really needs to lighten up. If she was secretly planning to wake up on these days with OM, then that's her guilty conscious making her nasty, but I don't want to know about it. That's her soul, her responsibility, and I am not concerning myself anymore.
I just looked at her, as she was criticizing me for failing to hear her "the first time". I stared her in the eyes and saw how tired she was, how she has been worn down by her life. She's still beautiful in many, all-too-familiar ways, but she just looks so alien to me at times like that. I guess this alien has hurt me so badly over these many months that its appearance is so unattractive and downright disturbing.
...
Yesterday S7 started asking me again about his mother and how he could never believe her story. I told him that W is his mother and she loves him very much -- she deserves his respect and love as his mother no matter what. This is not something for which he can make such judgments at his age.
S7 is stubborn, like both of his parents, and kept persisting in asking questions. I told S7, once again, that what is going on his mother's life is not in his control nor in my control -- it was entirely up to her and God, mostly her. All he, S7, needed to do was to love her. I then told S7 we needed to drop the subject, as we had already said enough for one day.
The truth of the matter is that despite his sweet innocence, S7 is a very curious little boy, smart enough to see things for what they are for the most part. At the same time, he is a child and has such unabiding hope. Although it rips at my soul to do so, I am sorry to say it is time I and W lay all the cards on the table before him, though it means dashing his hopes. I hate to say it, but the hard truth is this family is headed unerringly for D, and there is nothing that has been done that will avert this. At this point, there is nothing that can be done. It's all in his mother's hands.
I thought this week, six nights with my sons, went very well. But W is now trying to spoil it. She started out by asking whether I was going to notify the mediator that her services as a mediator were not needed, then W could use her for her own legal advice (I didn't tell W that I am not going to waive the conflict of interest.) She then leveled a complaint/accusation that it was probably up to her alone to have to get a "paper" (separation agreement) drawn up. And she was even complaining at one point that I have not offered to take care of the dog or give him a bath, that he was due for his shots and that maybe she needed to include pet care expenses in the child support figures.
She then got her nose out of joint about having to catch up S7 on his homework. She said I had our S's seven days and should have been able to keep up with the homework. I corrected her that I only had them 6 nights and it was much too late when they got back Saturday night (the first night) for us to have gotten any homework accomplished. Wednesday night she had them out until bedtime too. So her complaint about not getting all the homework completed was very much half her fault as well.
I let none of her rants bother me, but when she then stated that we were going to have to go back to the 5-day/9-day parenting schedule instead of 7-day/7-day, that started to get under my skin. But I still kept my cool even if I was now no longer visibly cheerful. I calmly asked her on what grounds she wanted to go back. She responded simply that, "it is just not working."
I take that to mean she has decided it is not working for her. And that, furthermore, she was being selfish and petulant, not thinking that our S's were perfectly fine with this 50-50 arrangement. In fact, she really hasn't given it enough time to really make any such determination.
I simply told W that, if that's how she felt, then she would have to "make the case" -- meaning she would have to somehow convince a judge of her stance.
Driving back from the house (this conversation started right after I had dropped off a few personal effects for the boys after work this evening) I came to the determination that I was going to continue with the 7-7 plan regardless of how W was thinking at this moment. Let her try and stop me. Our S"s deserve as much time with each parent as they can get, and she has no grounds on which she can deny them equal time with their father.
--- I still have not lawyered up yet. I was hopeful we could avoid that, but I guess I am being too optimistic. The problem right now is that money is extremely tight at the moment. The demotion in my paycheck finally hit along with an extremely painful retroactive back-dating that killed my latest paycheck. I don't know how I'm going to make ends meet now. The next few months are going to be awful in the finance department.
Oh, well, it's only money -- no use worrying about what I don't have, right?
Seems like everyone I know is going through pain this week. It must be the full moon.
NCB, if your W was a guy you know I'd think we were married to the same person!!! If they do want us to hate them, they are doing a pretty good job aren't they? (Although it hasn't happened yet for me, H is doing his best I think).
You know I've been meaning to post on your thread. I obviously think it was ridiculous of W to give you the "nice guy" article--I mean yes, you are a nice guy, but the whole slant that is ruinous to Rs is crazy obviously. But when I read that my 1st thought is I bet your W loved that article--I'm sure she doesn't do any of the things that they mention "nice guys" doing--don't you think???? Karen
Karen, with God's help I am managing not to hate my W -- I hate her actions, her sins, but not the person. Of course, to my crazy W, my not reciprocating the hatred back at her would be construed as a "hateful act" in and of itself.
The theory behind this so-called "Nice Guy" syndrome is that by not being forthright and open with others in what is perceived by the "perpetrator" (me) as being discreet and considerate of others feelings, such as when we do not voice our objections to what we disagree with, we are really being "passive aggressive" and dishonest. As a result we build up a lot of resentment that will eventually spill out in more harmful ways.
While some of it might have some bearing in reality, I don't fully agree with this notion. The cynical part of me wonders whether this is just a perversion of the situation to make mean, callous people feel better about themselves by contrast. Thus, being "nice" is really bad.
---
I have not given a current update. Sunday morning, W and I had an argument again over the phone, it started over the parenting schedule but devolved into a petty R disagreement. We said some harsh words, mostly W.
She is back to her original difficult self -- and even more so. She is saying she has been too compromising, that even five days is too much for me with the boys, especially S3 ("He's only three.") She says I have proven incapable of being able to get S7 to do all of his homework (nevermind her interference).
She wants me to let the mediator off the hook so she can be her personal lawyer. She says she cannot afford a lawyer and wants our mediator to still be able to produce her version of a separation agreement (SA). I told her I'm not inclined to waive the conflict of interest. Why should I give W a break when she's (re)declared war? I mean I have to start from scratch when comes to finding legal counsel, why not her?
When W then started to turn this into a rehash of her long complaint list against me and our M, I first tried to end the conversation. Once again she wanted to turn this into a chance to aggravate me and pass off all the blame onto my shoulders. I tried to cut her off and ended the call. But she called me back. And then I tried to offer my own counterpoints. But I didn't get much of a chance to rebut since W kept interrupting me.
And then, in the end, she stopped me from responding, saying she needed to get the boys to church (huh?! I wasn't the one who called the other back.) She told me to put it into an email as she was "really interested" in getting my words in writing since I had said many times she continues to misconstrue anything I have ever said in the past and put words in my mouth. (Why? For her lawyer to use against me?)
She is still insisting that I give her the remaining details so she can draft her version of a SA.
In retrospect, I screwed up and allowed her to take the offensive yet again. She automatically assumes she should have the right to make all decisions and to have control over the lives of those around her. And taking the offensive gives her a strong measure of that control she demands.
I've got to stop that. Where the "nice guy" in me would rather acquiesce to her unreasonable demands just to keep the peace in the R, now that W is determined to kill the M, it is time to stop worrying about W's feelings and think more about myself and my S's. Once she manages to get her precious D, I will no longer have any obligation to maintain any compassion for her sensitivities, least of all her megalomaniacal demands for control.
Once she gets her D I won't owe her jack!
In fact, I started to tell her that I am no longer going to defer to her control in matters related to our S's. She still automatically assumes that she alone has our S's best interests in mind for any decision she makes. I am putting my foot down where it comes to these unilateral decisions being made for our S's -- no longer will she be calling all the shots.
She goes back and forth on the kids. First, she mentions its too long (the 5 days) for both of you, the one with the kids and the one without. Then she thinks that its just YOU that shouldn't have them for 5 days straight due to S3 all of sudden being so young, and S7 not doing his homework (which I know you help with!)
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She wants me to let the mediator off the hook so she can be her personal lawyer
Wow. I wouldn't agree to this either. The mediator we hired is so strict about this. She won't even see a new client without stating why you are there (mediator or atty). Everything is null and void if one of us seeks legal advice elsewhere (I believe we can have the agreement read by someone else though).
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I am putting my foot down where it comes to these unilateral decisions being made for our S's -- no longer will she be calling all the shots
I am putting my foot down where it comes to these unilateral decisions being made for our S's -- no longer will she be calling all the shots.
I think that is a great idea! I think that your W is a lot like my H maybe--I believe my H lost respect for me when I was letting him make all the decisions. I think he thought (thinks) of me as more of an employee or something, (esp. since I am a sahm). I think my H sees being nice as weakness, and kind of the same way as that article you were talking about it--"nice" is bad.
Although I have to admit the 2 decisions I have made (where the kids and I want to live after the D) and moving my son's bedroom upstairs so he could have more privacy, my H went ballistic. I think he really likes having the control, and the fact that I would make decisions drives him crazy. But I wonder if eventually maybe he will respect me more--or not, but even if he doesn't, I think I respect myself more, and maybe that's good enough. Karen
Karen